Conflict...Another Redux

In an earlier post, I discussed conflict.  Now, when I was younger, I hated conflict.  I did not enjoy the anxiety it produced in me.  My nerves would start unraveling, and I would use a quick joke to lighten the mood.

As I am older, I still do not enjoy conflict, but I recognize that it can be a positive thing.  If BOTH parties are seeking an understanding and a consensus.  If one party is just wanting to "win" then that means someone is a "loser".  That path does not lead to growth in an intimate relationship.  Sadly, it only leads to a simmering resentment.  I have come to realize that I suffer from this resentment.

My resentment stems from years and years (decades really) of pointless conflict.  This conflict never really seems to resolve anything, and many times feels more like a winner versus a loser.  Since Sybil never really ever sees how she projects onto me, I can only be the loser.  How can I "win" if her approach is to subjugate?  How is that using conflict for a force for good.

To wit, last night Sybil does her usual thing of manipulation.  Her statement of "can you put lotion on my back" is code that she wants to have sex.  Now, I realize many men are in a sexless marriage and would kill for that.  Sex was never our problem.  Anyway, I am putting lotion on her back (as requested) while she, literally, lays there watching TV.  Not doing anything.  Unmoving.  I get tired of this, it is getting late and time for my therapy (nightly exercise session).  I'm kind of turned off by her lack of attention, so I go exercise.  I know, I know her awesomeness in allowing me to touch her should be all that is needed to "get my motor running".  She has even said that.  I have always thought she is joking, but last night it was obvious: I am only there to serve her in whatever fashion she desires.  I am there to serve her whims.

Flash forward to this morning.  Sybil makes it known that she is disappointed that I seemed to not care about sex with her last night.  I chose to watch TV (as I was giving her a back rub) and did my nightly exercise ritual.  She felt like she was not the center of the universe.  I thought about it; I told her that I can see why she might feel that way; while exercising is very important to me for both mental and physical help, I can see why she felt that way; and I will show her that she is more important.  Basically, agreeing with her and letting her know that I will take the necessary steps to change things.  I am the LOSER.

Here's why: Sybil was not satisfied with that answer.  She starts using that as a broad "attack" to air her generalized feelings of being not a high priority.  I care more about the kids, exercise, the office (that one is TOTAL projection).  She is not even in the top five.  At this point I am starting to feel like a sucker...again.  Once again, I feel like I gave Sybil and opening and she went for it.  I continue to be the villain in her story.  Now, I see it for what it is: gaslighting.  She is using techniques to make me change my reality.  This is so common with her.  She'll start with a fairly legitimate issue and then expand it in an effort to make start believing that by doing what I did that I don't ever show her love.

Yes, I am a sucker.  I am a slow learner.  However, Sybil may have a point.  I do think that I have...kind of...dissociated myself.  I have built up walls and defenses; I have worked to keep my engagement with her superficial.  This way I cannot be taken advantage of.

A Brief Overview

If being married to Sybil is so bad, why have I stayed?  Like many things the answer is complicated.  We can simplify it to FOG:

Fear.  "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration".  - Dune Frank Herbert.
     What do I have to fear?  Certainly not death nor dismemberment.  No, the fear I have is, somehow,  ruining our children's lives.  I know the statistics and children of divorce do not do as well in life as children from intact families.  I fear screwing up my children's lives before they are really started.  I fear failure.  Failing to live up to the standards I have set for myself.

Obligation.  I have a very strong sense of obligation.  Of three aspects of the FOG, obligation is my downfall, and Sybil knows this.  I have made a vow to her, and I strive to be an honorable person and keep my vows.  Without honor what are we?  This realization has made me realize that I can never have real leverage against Sybil.  I took divorce off the table.  I will not file for divorce, unless some unknown something occurs.  I guess in some way this is a for of narcissism.  I feel that to be dishonorable is a reflection on myself; I care about I appear.  Morally, there is no question.

Guilt. Right now I have no guilt.  While in some ways I feel that Sybil is my nemesis to my past hubris and is the price a pay.  A kind of penitence.  I must serve this sentence for past crimes.  Let us say that in my youth I was impertinent.  However, this is not a compelling reason.  I feel that any wrongs I have caused have been more than rectified.

There you have it, dear reader.  Of these reasons of staying with someone that makes life unbearable, I would say that Obligation is the biggest for me.  It is a strong motivator for me.  Fear and guilt have less hold over me.

I'm Just Going to Leave This Right Here

Whether or not Sybil is a true Narcissist, or someone that just wants a "pat on the back", I do not know as I am not a mental health expert.  However, she fits many of the profiles.  This screen shot of a Tweet is really how things roll.  In my last post I wrote about conflict.  I am not averse to conflict but I am averse to pointless conflict.  Until I started learning about "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill", I would react to something she said.  Naturally, Sybil would take this reaction as a sign that I am the problem.  Even when told that my reaction is not in a vacuum but a reaction to something she said/did.  This why "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill" is so important when dealing with them.  It cuts off their supply.  It is hard because they do poke and probe to get that reaction they desperately need.

Conflict

War is merely the continuation of politics by other means

                                                     Carl von Clausewitz

Conflict is inherent in humans.  It is part of who we are.  We vie for our point of view to be dominant; we struggle for resources; the result can be death and destruction. Conflict can lead to a rebirth and renewal, or conflict can lead to larger conflict in the future.  Sadly, we humans never learn this.

I am sure that every relationship has conflict.  Two people living together in very close proximity will lead to disagreements.  In a relationship we hope that these disagreements  lead to greater understanding and an improved relationship.  This couple cares about each other and knows the goal is to improve the relationship.  They are not interested in winning a war but care about making the couple better.  At least this what I envision the two people trying to do.

The problem in a relationship is when conflict becomes pointless.  It seems that one or both parties are more interested in winning a war and not strengthening and improving the relationship.  The one only wanting to win the war fails to see that it is a war of attrition.  The unstated goal seems to be to wear down the opposition until they can no longer fight (defend themselves).  The party that loses the will to fight just surrenders...unconditionally.  The victor smugly sees that this is a winning strategy and continues it.  Again and again.  This seemingly internecine war like all such conflicts wears down the population until all parties are broken and in despair.

This is conflict with Sybil.  She strives to win at all costs.  A typical argument may start with something legitimate...usually a breakdown in communication.  A conversation will ensue and we start laying out our sides of the debate.  So far so good.  As the conversation moves along, I may start to see Sybil's point of view, and in the hopes of reaching a mutually satisfactory conclusion will try to defuse the situation.  I am faced with two choices: I can continue this conflict with mutually assured destruction or I can retreat to fight another day.

In winning that particular battle, Sybil does not realize that she is losing the war.  By being a bully, she only sets up the next, future conflict.  In an argument, the winning party should not try to continue the conflict by means of character assassination.  Saying that I am not a team player because I forget to mention something that pertains to an unimportant (in the scheme of things) topic, will only create more resentment and dislike.  When getting one's way in a conflict, it is not wise to set the table for a future conflict that may a worse conflict.  I should think that a wise negotiator gives the other side something.  This way the deal can be mutually beneficial.  Otherwise, what is the incentive for the other side to make concessions?  Parting character assassinations, broad statements of supposed intent, or blanket statements of how they no longer care will not mend fences.

Conflict can lead to growth or destruction.  The participants have that choice to make.  Both sides have to be in agreement, otherwise it is simply surrender, unconditionally.  The victor's victory is usually short-lived, unless the loser is completely demoralized.  The demoralized party will sink to apathy and despair.  I know my history.  I chose this graphic because the victors of World War I simply laid the table for World War II.  WW2 was way worse.  The thing about history is that always repeats itself just with different players.  Human nature does not change.

I Guess Twitter Isn't a Total Dumpster Fire

Seen on Twitter:

Actually, my father did not really say this.  I'm sure he thinks it every day of his life.  I have written how I feel that I am the buffer between my kids and Sybil.  I often wonder if this how our kids see things, too.  So many times things are not clear about our childhood until we are adults.  I hope they understand.

As for any updates...

Sybil still likes to create drama, especially when things are not focused on herself.  Her new tactic is threaten divorce.  I think she hopes that I will start the process, so she will not have to be responsible.  In her mind she can say it was, literally, all of my fault.  I will resist.  It is very, very tempting, though.  I keep thinking about or 5 yo, God's plan, and vows I took.

Stay tuned.

I missed Haiku Sunday

Bitterness

Causes hatefulness

Let it go

Wife - Haiku

Antagnostic
Wonders why distant hubby
Resentful woman

Same Bat Time...Same Bat Channel

So...we are getting close to the crazy season...and Sybil is acting crazy.

For the last 4 out of 5 years (give or take), Sybil has concocted drama and refused to travel to visit my parents for Christmas.  One year it was because I did not immediately drop what I was doing and help her with a computer issue (I was actually working on a computer issue of my own).  This year, ironically, it is because she is tired of how my mother speaks to my father.

Father has been ill and Mother has to bear the brunt of taking care of, since my Brother and I are not close by.  I have spoken to Mother about toning down how she speaks to Father.  I have asked her to try to be patient with Father (she is the root cause of many of the issues I am grappling with...Freud was correct in some things).  We saw Mother and Father this past weekend, and Mother lost control and snapped at Father.  It was not bad, but naturally Sybil is looking for a way to isolate me from the family.  So, last night Sybil decided that she cannot tolerate Mother and her way of speaking to Father.  I was able to maintain a straight face.  I said that is her choice but I will be taking Son#3 so he can visit his grandparents.  Under no uncertain terms will she allow me to take him.  I said in that case I would just not go.

After sleeping on it, I told Sybil that I will be going to my parents' house, I would like everyone to come with me, and I would be sad if she did not come.  No reply.  We'll see.  I think her stubbornness will win out.  I am not sure how to approach it any differently.  As my parents are elderly (Son #3 came along when I was in my mid 40s), there is not much more time for them to be together.  Sybil just cannot stand for him to be in such a toxic environment, therefore he cannot go.

Stay tuned...

Blog update

I updated the theme on the ol' blog.  Sadly, I lost a lot of my links.  If anyone wants me to link to their page or another page, you can leave me a comment or send me an email.  Thanks.

Just a Day in the Life

So life with someone on the Cluster B (OCPD with a splash of narcissism) spectrum means that I am, effectively, a single parent on weekends.  Unless the family has something going on, Sybil, literally, does not leave our room as she works and works and works.  I don't even ask her to go to church anymore.  In the future I doubt that I'll even ask her to go to lunch.  Anyway, Son #3 (the 5 year old) and I had an enjoyable lunch.

It seems that Sybil's hierarchy is:

1. Work
2. Son #3 (5 years old)
3. Daughter (22 years old)
4. Son #1 (25 years old)
5. Son #2 (20 years old)
6. Me...maybe

Oh well...

Self-Awareness

Sybil came in possession of Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson, PhD.  It was written in 1981.  I have not started reading it, yet.  I am curious how it relates to other books I have read on that topic.

Sybil's "gift" has gotten me thinking about why she chose me to give that gift to?  Does she, on some level, know how difficult she is?  Does she realize how her treatment of me makes living with her a living hell?  Is she self-aware?  If the answer to any one of those questions is "yes", then that would make her evil.  To consciously continue acting the way she does and the treatment of me (and others) can only mean that she is diabolical and should be avoided.

On some of the forums, someone will post a question about whether or not the PD person is aware of how they are acting on some level.  I am no psychologist, but if they are aware, then they are evil.  That means their actions and treatment are, to some extent, planned.  Now, we all make mistakes.  This morning I was gathering towels in preparation of Daughter doing laundry.  Sybil had not finished using hers.  I did not know this and did not ask.  Since Sybil has strong OCPD tendencies with a heavy dose of NPD, she saw this as me just really caring about her.  My, mistakenly, gathering the towels was an evil act...in her mind.  She knows it was a mistake but her OCPD will not allow her to see it that way; it must have been a deliberate act.  I, purposefully, gathered the towels before she finished using hers because I do not love her.

Evil?

Anyway, in truth I do not think Sybil realizes how difficult she is to live with.  She gave me this book because my mother is difficult.  She was hoping I can learn how to cope with her.  I have: I moved across the state.  I may have to do that with Sybil.  Sybil cannot see the log her own eye but angrily points out the dust mote in mine.

Triggered

We need a minesweeper. There's too many triggers under the surface.

Well, I struggle to find time to do videos.  It is still something that I am noodling about.  For now, y'all will have to content yourself with the written word.  Personally, I like that better than a video anyway, but I'm a Gen Xer.

Beware...rambling post as I unpack stuff.

Triggers.

We've all got 'em, I guess.  Per PyschCentral an emotional trigger is:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

 I think that most of us have past traumas that never really healed.  For Sybil, her reaction to a trigger is the fault of the "offender" instead of realizing that, maybe, the other person did not mean to set her off.  Exhausting having to dodge mines that laying under the surface.  Naturally, this creates a daily drama.

I have slacked off on posting.  Not because the drama is less but because it wearisome.  Plus, I'm not sure how many want to read it.  We don't make any progress.  I find myself stuck in the same rut because I have end up saying the same things just so I can escape the conversation and get on with my life.  Literally, could post something everyday.  It is rare that a day goes by without some sort of manufactured drama.

I will say that anytime a person says that they are emotional and wear their emotions on their sleeve: run!  That is an indicator that their emotions control them rather that vice-versa.  A normal, mature person realizes that and takes that into account.  A child blames their emotional acting out on the person doing the triggering.

The fun begins when the conversation goes down a dark rabbit hole because the triggered cannot let it go.  When I explain (I am really trying to limit JADEing...I really am) why I said what I did, it does not good.  Sybil must keep going.  We have to dissect the simplest conversation until I am just trying to say the right words to escape not the just the conversation but also the room.

This is life with the disordered.  I am like a police negotiator trying to talk the jumper off the ledge.  All because Sybil becomes very triggered if she believes that she has been ignored, or marginalized.

Anyway, triggers.  Great fun.

Is this the way couples are?  Are they mired in this slog?  Are issues and slights never resolved?  Is the job of one to always try to correct the other?  Criticize?  I don't know anymore.  I am starting to believe I am that hostage that starts to empathize with his captors.

I try to NOT to put Sybil on a Profit/Loss sheet.  I try not make a listing of her good points and bad; I know that if I do, it will not end well.

Finding Joy in a Joyless World...er...Marriage

No one is responsible for my emotional state of mind but me.  I can only control myself.  

The above statement is setting me free.  I find that repeating it to my head really helps me focus on Joy.  From Merium-Webster:

I find it interesting that Sybil cannot find Joy.  Nothing is good enough for her.  This isn't just her approach to me, but also her approach to everyone and everything.  I think she gets more "joy" out of food than anything else (yes...she has really packed on some weight).  I stand back and examine her lack of joy.

People that are of a negative bent really suck the Joy out of life.  No one likes to be around them.  For me, my Joy is inversely proportional to the amount of time I spend with her.  I find myself having less anxiety and are more calm.  I have written extensively about how Sybil treats me and others her in this bog over the years.  Thankfully, I have had many commentors provide helpful insight and advice.  If not for these wonderful people, I might have been stuck an a morass of self-loathing.  My Stockholm Syndrome would have kept me in a perpetual state of self-defeat and self-blaming.

So...I am finding Joy.  I have had to swallow a bitter pill of realizing that I will not get Joy from Sybil.  Instead, I have Joy because of my kids.  I have Joy because my strawberry plants have strawberries, and I have Joy because the blueberry bush I thought was dead has now sprouted leaves.  These little things provide Joy in my life and a distraction from my marriage.

On another note, this blog has kind of run its course.  I will still be writing, but I will be starting vlogs from Youtube.  Stay tuned...

Survival Mode

Well, we're still together.  Naturally, not a day goes by (literally!) where Sybil does not find something to complain about me.  I cannot remember when the last time she made a positive comment.  At one point I told her that, if she wants a divorce, then she should just do it.  Quit messing around.  So far she has not.  I truly think that she is hoping to push me into divorcing her.  That way she can claim the high road.  Maybe I am too.

I have been putting off having a very painful conversation with Sybil about finances.  Frankly, our finances are in the toilet.  Our credit card balances really ballooned last year.  When pressed for an answer, Sybil cannot really give me one.  Ultimately, I feel that I have failed.  Realizing my weakness in regards to organization, I let Sybil deal with the household bills.  While she does do a better job of keeping us organized on paying bills, she really sucks at budgeting and discipline.  Sadly, I took the path of least resistance, and our finances have taken a hit.  I know that broaching this subject in a meaningful way will make Sybil feel blamed and cause her to lash out.  However, we cannot go on like this.

The event that really brought things into focus was a business seminar.  In the seminar one of the speakers was talking about budgeting.  From there he went into creating a system to make one become disciplined on spending.  It sounded good to me because it made perfect sense and seemed fairly simple.  Naturally, Sybil became mildly upset.  She told me that she was trying to get me to implement this system (she had not) a while ago and to make things more organized (fairly true).  Her system helps one with organizing bills by creating a spreadsheet that lists all of the things that need to be paid, when they need to be paid, and what their balance is.  It does nothing for budgeting.  It does not systematically change how things are done.  I know this to be true.  How do I know this? I know this to be true because of how our finances are today.  We have zero savings and nearly six figure credit card debt. 

Since Sybil cannot accept responsibility for anything, she blames me for the debt.  Now, the debt was from a horrible IRS audit.  We owed a lot in taxes, because our CPA was clueless and gave us bad advice.  That was EIGHT years ago.  Any debt that accumulated from that audit should have been paid off by now...if WE were disciplined.  Sadly, Sybil has used that audit as a metaphorical cudgel to bash me over the head.  She wanted to fire the CPA...not for incompetence...but because he spoke to her in a disrespectful manner.  I took the blame for the audit, and the financial stuff it caused because I felt that I should have known, somehow.  Looking back, that was a mistake.  She was at every single meeting with the CPA.  In that meeting every single time, all she would talk about was how much we are paying in taxes.  Since Sybil has the emotional age of 7, she does not see that, maybe, she has some role to play in that mess.

When I brought up the credit card issue, Sybil actually mentioned the audit from EIGHT years ago.  Mark Twain was right: denial isn't just a river in Egypt.  How can an event from EIGHT years ago cause our credit card debt to balloon up last year?  Since I do not see her making any changes to how she does things, I will have to.  I know that she will bring on the full court press of manipulation, shaming, guilt, etc.  I know that I will be painted as the bad guy for bringing order to chaos.  I will be surprised if we are still together at the end of the year. 

After the last blow up (I didn't write about it...basically it stemmed from me stating that I FEEL that she being a bully and "pounding on me"...she stormed out of the house threatening...wait for it...divorce), I know that things will get worse instead of better.  This brings me to point of the post: Survival Mode.  I have to realize a few things: Sybil cannot keep a house, does little cleaning, almost no cooking.  As for the office stuff, a lot of what Sybil does is "rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic".  It looks like she is really busy, but in reality she stays bogged down in tasks that could be delegated or done more easily.  By striving for 100% error free work, she gets very little done.  Therefore, I am starting to realize more and more that I need Sybil less and less.  I need little and want for less than I used to.  If she makes good on her threat, then I know I will come out the other side better off in many ways.  So sad.

Brinkmanship

Sybil was really at again two days ago.  Things had been brewing, so I was not really surprised.  Sadly, now that I know what the wizard behind the curtain looks like, I know this is just another part of the cycle of living the ups and downs of Personality Disorder (PD).  Ironically, we are on an upswing, but I am not getting the dopamine rush that I got in years past.  The knowledge that with every upswing is the inevitable downswing keeps me looking over my shoulder.

The trigger was how I spoke to her.  During the conversation to try to resolve the issue (yeah, yeah...I know), I owned that my demeanor was one of frustration.  However, I kept trying to tell Sybil that I was really just surprised, and it came across as frustration.  As I have withdrawn and trying to go Low Contact, she sensed that and did not like it one bit.  All weekend there were rumblings.

Sunday evening Sybil confronted me with a "need to have a conversation on how to divide our assets".  While I was surprised by the bluntness, I was not really surprised.  Anyway, she was adamant that she wanted the process to be as amicable as possible.  I explained that we have a hard time paying for one household, much less two.  I was told that would be my problem.  I am sure that Sybil really thinks that the cudgel to hit me over the head is money.  Hit me in the pocketbook, and I'll acquiesce to whatever she wants.

Really it is about a 4 year old boy.  He hates when we have this type of conversation.  He will leave the room.  It makes me so sad to see how we affect him.  I am sure that Sybil thinks it is all my fault.  I try to keep my tone civil to keep his anxiety to a minimum.  He is the reason I gave in to her demands of paying more attention to her.  I know I got "played", but I cannot risk creating damage to him by divorce.

How do I know I got "played"?  Easy.  After she got what she wanted, Sybil commenced the upswing.  Now she is loving, happy, etc.  If a person was really serious about killing the family (to me that is what divorce is: murder), then they would not do a 180.  To me that just confirms that Sybil is a manipulative, conniving, shallow person.  Even if she does not have PD, a person that was so serious about destroying the family and in less than a few hours is having sex, that is sure sign of mental illness. 

In my darkest hours, I believe that Sybil sensed that I was less than enamored with her.  Sensing this, I believe that she became pregnant on purpose.  That is a really dark place to go.  That means that she knows about my very strong sense of obligation.  Normally, that might be a good trait, but she uses that to her advantage.  She knows that for the next 14 years, I will continue to stay with her.  As the blinders have come off of my eyes, I realize what is in store for me.  It ain't pretty.

An Answer to Anon

I really appreciate comments here.  I know I do not have the traffic that I used to have, which is fine.  The thing that I really appreciate are the people pointing me into directions that I need to go.  Like a lot of folks living with a PD person, I am isolated.  The isolation creeped up until I realize that I am pretty isolated.  Without these comments I would not have gone down the rabbit hole of PDness.  I would have known something was not quite right between Sybil and me, but I would have allowed myself to be gaslighted (and isolated) into believing that most of the problem was me.  Thankfully, these blessed commentors helped me find the resources to coping with Sybil.

On my last post, Anon wrote:

I'm just curious, what kind of Mother-in-law do you predict her to be...?

I have been wondering about that for awhile.  As we have two weddings within the next year, I am curious about that too.   I do not really know.  However, I can make some pretty educated guesses.  With our kids, Sybil has worked to try to keep them as close as possible.  While the oldest has a good job in our town, she has him living in our basement to save money.  Superficially, that seems logical (save money for a house), but I wonder if she needed one more person to defer to her.  In order to get her work done on weekends, she puts pressure on the kids to help with the 4 yo.  That is a whole other post.  Lastly, the 3rd child came home with the news that one of his professors may be able to help him get an internship at a National Laboratory.  Her comment was not, "Wow! That is great."  It was more, "That's too far away."  Really took the wind out of his sails.  I tried to tell him to go for it.  We'll see.

I fear that she will be meddlesome.  Sybil has stated that she will not, but I know that she likes control and is opinionated.  Hopefully, I am wrong.  Hopefully, she will learn to give advice when asked but not nag or cajole.  I know that she will not be able to hold her tongue, and she will be letting me know her thoughts over and over, ad nauseum.  I had hopes that the kids would move away to get away from her. I tried to encourage them to move away.  I made statements about moving overseas whilst they are young, or go wherever the jobs are, or it's ok to move away.  Fate or Sybil seem to have other plans.

No matter what happens, I know that Aphron will be the one in the middle.  I will be expected to bear the brunt of her frustrations, be expected to sooth her, and be expected to tell the kids that they are making mother angry.

Documenting Stuff

Well, I'm glad that weekend is over.  Naturally, it ended on a low note.  Sybil is under a lot of stress right now: we have the older 2 kids becoming engaged, we hired a new employee at our business, and she feel anxiety because she is behind in her work.  This creates bad ju-ju for Aphron.  Last night I, literally, had to talk back into coming home.  I did not want to.  I had to because we have that little guy and his needs are more important than ours (mine anyway).

Things kicked off with son #1's proposal to his long-time girlfriend.  Sybil was unable to be there to experience it.  She relied upon me to give her all of the juicy details.  Naturally, I failed her.  She became hurt because I did not tell her everything and she had to ask for the details.  Her word is "probe".  This made her feel like she was left our of the whole thing.  I sent pictures and video of the proposal.  I tried to give her a play-by-play, but my stuff was too vague for her.  Therefore, I just do not care about her.  I only care about what I care about.

Last night Sybil was wanting to go to the office to spend some time trying to get things ready for the new hire.  I needed to do some stuff and tried to not go to the office.  I explained that I could work on things at home.  I plead my case, explaining I need a couple of hours to get stuff done.  Since I did not state that Sybil needed to do some things, too, I do not care about her.  I only care about myself; she is an omission.

I have committed unspeakable acts of only caring about myself.  It is obvious that Sybil is unimportant in my life.  Therefore, I must be punished.  Last night I had to talk her into not leaving the family.  Deep in my heart I think one of us should have left.  My main thought was the little guy.  When I told I would like for her to come home, she stated that she is not going to babysit.  I thought he was OUR kid and did not need us to baby sit.  I tried to reassure her that she is not an "omission" but an important part of my life.  I fell back into bad habits: JADEing, circular arguments, etc.  She goaded me into giving her an emotional response.  It's like an alcoholic that fell off the wagon.  Naturally, this did not really solve anything.  This morning Sybil is crying, keeps telling me that I make her feel like an omission, etc.  Nothing was solved.  Nothing will be solved.  I think I have to leave.  I really, really do not want to leave.  I take all of this to try to keep things "normal" for the little guy.

A Moment of Clarity

In this article Debbie Baisden writes about losing her husband.  Sadly, she had an epiphany that maybe she did not treat him as well as she should have.  Maybe she was a "butthole".

I found this article interesting because I have struggled with coming to terms with whether Sybil has a Cluster B personality disorder or simply being a butthole.  Is it possible that she really isn't defective, but just a person that likes to dish-out criticism?  I have thought about that possibility for some time.  I have to come to the conclusion that Sybil is on the Cluster B (NPD) spectrum.  She may not be a full blown narcissist, but she has many traits.

What is the difference?  I do not think a butthole wife would rage at her husband, emotionally manipulate him, and/or say hurtful things.  How can someone profess to love someone, yet say and do things that have been documented here?  A butthole wife would probably nag and complain about small things (why is leaving dirty socks on the floor a running refrain?).  However, I am not an expert on the matter.  I have never seen a non-dysfunctional marriage.  My parents' marriage was filled with arguments with mother raging at whomever was in close proximity.  I moved six hours away.  My own marriage is dysfunctional, as I have documented here.

The butthole wife is the wife that feels that whatever is bothering her at the time must be shared with whomever is nearby.  Since the husband is the one that is the closest, he must bear the brunt of her criticism.  However, the PD wife still dishes out the criticism, but it is not laced with love and respect.  For the PD, it is snark or rage or verbal abuse.  The butthole wife looks at the socks on the floor as, "he is making a mess and expects me to clean it."  This creates irritation.  The PD wife looks at the same socks and things, "he is making a mess, he must not love me, this fills me with anxiety, so I must rage at him to get even."  The PD takes it personally.  Those stupid socks on the floor are proof that he/she does not love me.  There is irritation but the overwhelming feeling is anxiety and fear.  The PD lives in a world of fear: fear of being discarded, fear of being ignored and marginalized, and the fear of not being THERE.

I will take a butthole wife any day over a PD wife.  For instance, Sybil has been acting really well for the last week or so.  This has my alarm bells ringing.  My cPTSD is off the charts.  I have lived through this before with moments of a kind, loving spouse with long stretches of rage and manipulation.  I think that is the fundamental difference.  While a butthole wife can be irritating as they get worked up over small, inconsequential things, she can move on and shake it off.  It does not color her overall treatment of her husband.  The PD wife must punish the husband for his transgressions.  He must feel the same pain that she feels.  If he does not, then he will be punished until he does.  He must feel unloved just as she does.

Anyway, this period of relative peace is leaving me unsettled.  Oddly, I feel more angst over this than the normal raging, manipulation, jabs, etc.  After all of this time, I know this is just an act.  Those metaphorical socks will make Sybil just know that I do not love her, and she will be triggered.  There is no respite: raging creates anxiety and peace creates anxiety.

Documenting More Vomitous

Here's the loving text Sybil sent me this morning:

Now, what egregious act did I do to warrant this loving text?  Well, I did not follow her wishes immediately.  It seems that, per Facebook, many hotels reservations in our area are being cancelled due to hurricane Florence.  My parents are supposed to come visit for Daughter's event.  Sybil has been like a "dog with a bone" about letting my parents know what the weather situation is in our area.  We are not in a direct line, and we are hundreds of miles away.  We are not even in the Carolinas.  I've been monitoring the weather situation and noticed that things are not supposed to happen here until my parents have already left the area.  Since I did not immediately send an email laying out our (her?) concerns, Sybil feels that I don't take her concerns seriously.

Now, I understand what Sybil is saying, but she spends way too much time on Facebook.  We have weather apps to check weather.  I know that weather forecasting is an inexact science, but it isn't without merit.  I think it is more secure than posts on Facebook from people that we do not even know.

I am able to look at the weather forecast and ascertain what is going to happen in our area.  I can look at the storm track and get an idea about how things will play out in our area.  Yes, it is an assumption, but it is a valid, logic assumption.  Sadly, Facebook posts and Sybil's feelings on the matter mean more.  I never said I would not email my parents about the weather (I, actually, agreed); it just is not a high priority.  I have many other things weighing on my mind than a few comments on Facebook.

Sigh. This morning's mini argument really isn't about some email to my parents.  Sybil needs attention and didn't feel like she was getting it.  Like a child that throws a tantrum, she has to have that supply.  I struggled to maintain Medium Chill.  I let her vomit forth her comments.  She twisted mine.  I realized this is circular and a tempest in a teapot.  I just made a script and stuck to it.  As we can see from the text above, Sybil was left unsatisfied with our conversation.  She felt compelled to fire off the last word.

I just want off this crazy train.

Running on Fumes

From Infogalactic:

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.^[1][2]

Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to Gas Light, a 1938 play and 1944 film. It has been used in clinical and research literature.^[3][4]

One of the things that have happened as I continue my journey out of the FOG is the realization of how I was manipulated and made to feel like a terrible person.  For years Sybil used a steady, relentless stream of manipulation to wear me down.  While I always knew that something didn't jive (hence the genesis of this blog), I could never put my finger on it.  Sybil was telling me how selfish I am; how inconsiderate I am; and how I didn't care about her.  In the beginning, I did not believe it.  How could that be true, I wondered.  I did everything I could: tried to be cognizant of her feelings, tried to take care of her needs, tried to help out at home, and did at least my fair share of raising the kids.  This was never enough.  I kept hearing, "More! More!"  A steady, constant stream of it made me question, "Am I doing enough?"

I was so deep into the FOG and so deeply gaslighted that I could not see what was before me.  I could not see the root problem.  What I have come to realize is that Sybil has worn be down and worn me out.  I have come to realize that I could never do enough.  Some people are inherently unhappy and will never be happy.  Instead of figuring out what needs to be done to be happy, these people would rather make everyone else unhappy.  Their currency is misery, since they are miserable.

It took me too long to see this.  I have heard it before and knew it.  Gaslighting made me unable to see that I was living it.  While I knew something was "off" with Sybil, I always thought I was root cause.  Over these last few months, now I know the problem is not her.  It is shameful how I let events determine me.  While I fought against it, I do not believe anyone can withstand it given enough time.  I do not know if it is a PD trait, but I know that it was unrelenting.

Now I feel very used and kind of discarded.  Sybil demands attention/affection, yet I get none; Sybil demands that I listen attentively and remember every detail, yet she does not pay attention to me; Sybil demands that I help out with kids, yet she is content to look at her phone while I do the work.  It was insidious.  I was totally unaware of the manipulation and using me for her own gains.  Now, I am constantly questioning any request.  Is it really something that is needed to do, or is it a way for Sybil to manipulate and control.  Sadly, many times it is the latter.

The constant jabs of criticism with no positive reinforcement has emptied my tank of caring.  As for love...I'm kind of running on empty.

UPDATE-

Last night had a another session with Sybil.  I just can't seem to stop JADEing.  It seems that "I just know that THIS time I'll get through."  Anyway, he bone of contention is that I don't "woo" her anymore; I don't act like a love struck boy chasing the girl.  Her biggest is that I don't try to talk to her and be open with her.  I explained that I understand where she is coming from, I know the pain she is experiencing, but I explained that how can I climb the walls or cross the chasm she has put in place.  Literal walls.  She has a pillow placed between us.  When I point out these facts, I get either silence (actual silence), or I get an over-the-top emotional response about I am not listening, I only care about myself, etc.  I explain that I care about us, but how can I "woo" someone that is either cold (I said a block of ice) or raging at me.  She never gives a compliment or says something nice to me.  I point out recent times I have.  Not enough! I must "woo" her and ignore all of the abuse and manipulation.  Narcissism is ugly.