Complete Lack of Meaning

 I am very frustrated...at my self.  After all of this time, I still fall in traps set by Sybil and allow myself to manipulated.  This past weekend brought into stark contrast how little depth she has.

I was planning on going to play DnD (topic of another post). Because of recently having an employee test positive with COVID, Sybil has really become more stringent.  She started making little noises about me going to someone else's house to play.  Sadly, I gave her ample opportunity to use her emotional blackmail to manipulate me.  The day prior to the argument, the massage chair she ordered had finally arrived and was assembled (another post).  She claimed the right of using it first.  Now, she was not making it much of a priority, really.  I had an opportunity to use the chair, so I did.  She commented on how rude I was to use the chair first when she "called it".  I explained that I saw an opportunity and took it, but agreed that it was thoughtless of me and could understand her irritation.

The day of DnD comes.  Sybil asks if I am still going to which I tell her that I am.  Instead of using a direct tactic (something she rarely does), she starts in with how could I go?  I should realize that I need to stay and make up for what happened the day prior.  I did not work to show her how contrite I am.  I am totally selfish because all I could think about was going to someone's house and not be with her.  Her "depth" of emotion eventually gave way to tears and even threats of divorce.  All because of me not re-apologizing and working to make her feel better for using the chair first.  All because I did not give her every ounce of energy I have.  I was just not a good person because I wanted to go do something that she is not involved in.  Let me repeat: Threats. Of. Divorce.  I did what any weak willed man would do...I caved.  I did not go.  I spent the rest of the day with her and Son #3.

While my lack of backbone is galling enough, the next day I did what Sybil demanded that I do: I checked in with her.  First thing.  I asked how she was doing.  She starts talking about how the massage chair (she did finally use it) really helped her.  She felt pretty good.  I asked how she is emotionally after the day prior's conversation.  Judging by her reaction, she had totally forgotten it. I let myself be manipulated.  I let myself be sucked into her "crocodile tears".  In doing so, I reinforced (again) that she can be dominant and get her way.  Her reaction brought into focus how superficial it all is; how meaningless it is.  I would think that threatening your spouse with divorce would mean that you are really serious about things.  In my mind divorce is kind of like murder.  Apparently, not so for Sybil.  The whole rest of the day she was happiest I have seen her in a long time.

For me, I am very angry and disappointed in myself.  This toxic relationship has become something that is like a deadweight.  While I knew that Sybil was superficial, this episode really revealed how superficial she is.  To go from threatening divorce the one day and, literally, less than 24 hours later not even really thinking about it, is mind boggling.  Yet, I cannot fault her.  I am the one that has reinforced this behavior over the years.  I am the one that let's her trample over my boundaries.  I am the one that refuses to call her bluff.  I have to be the one that is willing to say, "You know, that's a good idea.  I think we should divorce."

Interesting Take on Things

 As we all know by now, life with a narcissist can be a challenge.  Every. Single. Conversation. Is about them.  If the conversation isn't about them, be patient because it soon will be.  They will manipulate you to, somehow, get a reaction from you.  This will "recharge" their battery, as they are emotional vampires.

Over the years I have struggled with a very diminished libido.  A combination of age and stress with living with Sybil, have seemingly robbed me of desire.  Adding a lack of reciprocation on Sybil's part only seems to cement this downward spiral.  For example, Sybil loves attention that a back rub with lotion gives her.  In her mind the excitement and joy of my touching her is all that is needed to start my motor.  In reality, she does nothing to me: she does not touch me and while she is being administered to, she is looking at Fakebook.  Eventually, this leaves me empty and feeling like a schmuck.  These feelings add to my stress with Sybil.  Before anyone asks...I have told Sybil, but she chooses to continue.

I write this to set up last night's conversation.  I am so powerful that I can alter Sybil's biology.  See, we have not had sex in about 2 months.  This lack sex caused her monthly period to come early.  While she did not overtly say so, it is my fault.  I explained that possibly entering menopause may cause her periods to become irregular.  Instead of accepting even a modicum of responsibility, she claimed that entering menopause is from lack of sex (she's 49 years old).  Ridiculous does not begin to describe it.

I have the power to alter someone's physiology.  I am all powerful.  Sadly, the root cause will never be fixed: combination of age and stress kill any desire.  Sybil never wants to own any responsibility for her role in this situation.  She will never see that constant conflict, complaining, negativity, lack of respect, and just general lack of seeming to care only compounds the situation.  Same stuff different day.

Ups and Downs

 

Normal ups and downs of life.  Curves are shallow. Less of them.

Ups and downs with a narcissist.  Curves are very sharp and there are more of them.

Life's ups and downs are normal.  We have periods of laughter and periods of anguish.  No one can escape this fact.  I think this a good thing because the bad stuff makes us appreciate the good stuff.  All we can do is try to minimize what we can and roll with the things that we cannot.

Life with a narcissist is never this.  The normal stress of life is compounded by periods of love bombing/idealization with periods of being discarded.  The dopamine from the love bombing phases is intense and really gets us to bond with these people.  That neurotransmitter brings on a feeling of well being.  This stuff really muddle our thinking and make us forget the pain the lows of the relationship.  There is no way anyone would stay with a narcissist for any length of time if it were not for the highs of the dopamine period.

One must be ever diligent about the extreme highs and extreme lows of the life with the narcissist and be prepared for them.  It is not about one; it is always about the narcissist's perception of one.  Very different thing.

One More Thing Placed on My Shoulders

 

Maybe someday I'll stop getting sucked into Sybil's drama.  Yesterday was not that day.

Sybil mentioned that she needed to talk to me about something.  I waited until we had a quiet moment and reminded her.  I know...I know...big mistake.  The thing is...I knew better.  I knew that we cannot have a civil discussion on things that are kind of personal.  This was no exception.

Here are the details of the latest episode:

We were supposed to go to a friend's house to pick grapes as he is an amateur wine maker.  We were anticipating a day of fun and frivolity.  The weather was going to be perfect.  The day before he text to cancel, since the weather was so good they decided to go camping, instead.

We called the kids that may be going to let them know.  Not a big deal.  I'm not surprised he flaked.  Generally, he does whatever he wants, but one is welcome to come along.  Sybil announced that she would like to talk to me later about something.  Naturally, I knew this was not going to be to tell how much she loved me and appreciated being married to me.

So...last night I reminded her about her request to talk later.  Turns out that Sybil was letting me know that if I wanted to these fun things (camping, hiking, canoeing, etc) then I needed to work to make her "feel safe".   This left me quite confused.  We have had this discussion before.  I questioned Sybil to ascertain why she was bringing this up, as I had not even mentioned anything about camping or doing anything "risky" (I'm not sure how risky canoeing in calm water is but that's another thing).  She kind of dodged the question and, basically, repeated herself to let me know that I have to work to assuage her fears about doing anything "adventurous".  I expressed confusion, because we have had this discussion before and I thought it was resolved.  Sybil just kept repeating herself that I must make her feel safe.  Finally and this is what touched my last nerve she said that when I received word of our friend flaking and the reason (camping); I seemed happy. I was smiling or whatever.  I explained, that I may have been but not because I wanted to go camping (generally speaking I do but that never crossed my mind) but because he flaked...as expected.  I thought it was funny that he invited us over and then canceled because something better came along.  I was irritated at Sybil because without confirming (something she HATES) she assumed (something she HATES) and prejudged me.  I hate hypocrisy with a passion.

Basically, this is a form of control.  Sybil exerts her neurosis and uses that as a cudgel to control my actions.  I will never be able to allay her fears enough to do anything.  So like the mighty Atlas, I have more and more placed on my shoulders.  If I want to involve the family in these outings, I must take on her fears and somehow slay them.  Anything outside of her comfort zone causes a lot stress and anxiety for her.  Sybil has to have things planned not only to a "T" but also to her liking.  The concept that someone can plan something differently than others is an anathema to her.  I think that is an impossible task. What if I, simply, shrug?

Blogger Versary

It's hard to believe that I've been blogging about this stuff for 15 years.  I realized this a couple of days ago.  I just checked...yup...February 2005.  I missed the actual anniversary.  Let's take stock...


First of all, any woman contemplating becoming a wife should read this article.  I checked off about 7 out of 10 things that Sybil does on a routine basis.  Mainly she just creates a ton of drama.  This has not changed, nor do I expect it to.  We are the same people.  I have started working on myself over the years, so I work very hard to keep it together.  Still, she knows all of my buttons and knows how to push them.  I still struggle maintaining Grey Rock and Medium Chill.  I know that I am delaying the inevitable.  The center cannot hold.  A relationship cannot remain, if one person keeps creating drama.

An easy example, yesterday I came to Sybil to discuss the plans for the day.  I told her that I need to mow the grass at the office and the rental house.  It was 10:30 in the morning and I should be done a little after lunch.  My simple, innocent suggestion was the wrong thing.  See, I did not include her.  It was only what I wanted to do, and I did not include her.  Therefore, that proves that I only care about what I want; I could care less about her.  So...this led to a day long argument with the chores being done at a much later time.  Because of her drama, we wasted the whole day.  We didn't start the chores until 5 pm and by the time we finished we barely had time to eat dinner.

This episode encapsulates our lives.  We have wasted, literally, years over petty bickering because Sybil was triggered.  It feels like that she must know where I am and what I am doing at all times. She must feel included in the decision making process.  Sybil has no concept of division of labor.  In this grass mowing incident, we could have gotten the chores done (hers and mine) and still had time for a relaxing afternoon.  Sadly, she was triggered, so we had a tense most of the day, followed by completing the most of the (not all) of the mowing.  The day ended with her finding something else to complain about me.

Throughout all of this, I have realized I am a massive cautionary tale.  A huge joke.  I have become that shining example of what not to do.  I know there are ways to extricate myself, and I believe that will happen.  There is only so much someone can take.

Interesting perspective

A couple of videos that seem to help elucidate the situation with Sybil.  Firstly, This good doctor in one of her videos states that to be diagnosed as having NPD, it must cause distress in one's life.  The example was someone addicted to drugs.  Until that person recognizes what it does to their life, they may not have a problem.  Therefore, let us redefine Sybil.  She is a narcissist.  In my layperson opinion she has 60% covert narcissism (raging especially) and 40% neglectful narcissism (can only think of work).  In this case is she is a Hybrid Narcissist.  

It has taken me, literally, years (beginning of the blog) to come to this conclusion.  While having a name is nice, it does not change our situation.  The situation is this: she can only think of how a situation affects her feelings.  NO ONE sees this.  In public, she is courteous, conscious of other's feelings.  Sybil bends herself into a pretzel trying to putting the other person on a pedestal.  I get the left overs.  

Sure, there are times Sybil knows things have gone too far, and I am checking out.  She will use the only arrow in her quiver: sex.  With sex she knows that she gets me to focus only on her.  Funny thing...I am getting older and sex is less important to me.  Really the only thing she has over me is our young child.  That's it.

It is nice to put a name on Sybil: Hybrid Narcissist.  It does not really change anything, though.  The parties involved are the same.

Causing Brain FOG

Pretty much just going to leave this right here.  Living with Sybil is time consuming, mentally.  I tend to be of the sort that ruminates anyway.  How do I spend my mental time?  I think about the narcissist in my life.  Ironic.  Like a computer that has too many apps open and slowing down, there are times that I can tell that my mental capacity is overwhelmed and slowing down.  Heck, even Sybil has noticed that.  She is convinced that there is something wrong with me.  This situation may not have been 100% of my doing, but I can only have myself to blame.  I have allowed events to continue and float along.  Coupled with the economic slowdown and spending a lot more time with Sybil, I am not sure how much more I can take.

Nice Little Graphic of Sybil's Pet Name for Me

I'll just leave this right here.  As soon as last night, I was called "A$#hole".  In this case, I will own that I did do something wrong.  In a moment of weakness, I was not honest with Sybil.  In my weakness I did not confront her with a demeaning comment she said to me in front of others.  I'll take 50% of the blame.  In my mind there is no point in confronting her with stuff because even on the very, very rare occasion I get her to somehow apologize, the apology is hollow.

This is my conundrum: I do not feel that I can (safely?) confront Sybil with things that she does.  I have to wade through a river of crap with a rare reward.  This leaves me with the choice of having a closed relationship with my wife or constantly fighting battles.

There is a third option...Sybil keeps talking divorce.  Now, my mind is made up.  I will not be the one to divorce.  Maybe that is stubborn pride, but she will have to be the one to make that decision.

Any Response Will be Wrong

In this scene, Private Joker makes the statement that no matter what he says will be wrong and the Drill Instructor will abuse him more.

I have noticed this with Sybil.

First a quick update...not much to update.  After that tremendous blow up last week because I don't know her after over 26 years of marriage.  If I DID know her, I would know that she likes a slow wake up and not more sleep.  This just means I know NOTHING about her.

The thing about Sybil is she likes to keep the drama (hurt) going as long as possible.  She likes for us to work on our marriage (really that is a euphemism for "fixing" me).  What this means we have to communicate about everything.  It does not matter that when I do try to open dialogues of communication with her, she criticizes the techniques of opening the dialogue.  Naturally, this totally derails the conversation and makes me think, yet again, what a colossal waste of time this is.  No matter how I try, it will be wrong.  This will reinforce her resentment towards to me.  Then we are spiraling to nowhere.

I am the stupid one here.  I keep trying.  Sadly, Sybil has no desire for calmness and happiness.  She thrives on the conflict.  Watching her face light up and her gaze intensify is almost alarming.  What should only be greeted with sadness is really watching her get a charge off of the conflict.  I have seen this before: sports.  Watching someone get into the zone (psyched up) before a playing a sport is the closest thing I've seen.

Last thing as I document our situation.  Last night after trying to work on our marriage (by the way if one has to work on their marriage there is something terribly wrong) and failing to do it to Sybil's standards; she remarked that I do not "help her with her emotions".  She actually said that!  Then she added that she helps with my emotions and does not feel that I reciprocate.  Stupidly, I replied that I do not think I should manage someone's emotions; I do not think it is even possible to manage someone's emotions; and I asked for example of where she tried to manage my emotions.  Naturally, she was silent.  I can only assume she did not like me stating the obvious: one cannot manage someone else's emotions and she could not offer proof that she had tried to managed mine.  I could think of last week's blow up and how her seeing me visibly upset by her verbal abuse only led to her seeing an opening to "twist the knife" and become more abusive.

To work on our marriage is impossible.  Sybil demands that I change without any commiserate change from her.  How can I want to talk to someone that hurls insults and acts like a petulant child?  I cannot, but I still must.  The ol' obligation kicks in: my 5 year old son.  He is the only reason we are still together.  If not for him, I would have left years ago.

Zombie Marriage

So Sybil and I have had a couple of dust-ups these past few weeks.  Sadly, I am so stupid that I do not recognize the pattern of slow, creeping escalation until it blows up in my face.  Last night, the bomb blew up...big time.  Like many other blow-ups, it was focused on how I marginalize how she feels.

Yesterday started like any other day.  In the morning I was in the midst of my ritual, when I heard Sybil's alarm on her phone in the living room.  Strange.  Apparently, the night before she had forgotten to take her phone to bed, plug it in to charge, so she would not be able to hear her alarm.  Now, I know that Sybil is not a morning person.  She likes her sleep.  I, also, know that she usually is not out of bed until around 6:50 am.  That is when I hear her get into the shower.  Her alarm went off at 6:30.  I found her phone, turned off the alarm, and plugged it in to charge.  I waited 20 minutes until 6:50 to wake her up.  She was surprised, thanked me and got up.  I went back to complete my morning routine.

Later, I came into the room and Sybil was looking at what clothes to wear for the day.  She stated, "I don't like to be wakened suddenly. I like a gradual wake up".  To which I stated, "When you make comments like that, it makes me feel like I am stupid for trying to be nice to you."  Wrong answer!  It was game on...big time.  In Sybil's mind I do not care about how she feels (I thought she likes to get her sleep in the morning), therefore I must be destroyed.

After dropping off our son at school, Sybil started yelling at me.  Cursing.  Called me an a#$hole.  Saying that I only care about how I feel and do not care about her feelings at all.  I turned the car around, went back home, as I did not want to be in the same car with her.  As I exited the car to get into my car, I was visibly upset (tears in my eyes).  What did this woman that I have pledged my life to do?  Turned the knife...of course.  She kept yelling at me, telling me how terrible I am, how I am not a nice person.  It is all about me; I never care about her or anyone else.  Yelling this the whole time.  Finally, she stated that she was done and was going to talk to a lawyer.  All because of my statement.  This lasted about an hour with Sybil becoming more and more enraged.

Last night, I broached the subject by saying, "Do we need to talk about this morning?"  Naturally, this was the wrong approach and shows I only care about how I feel; not how my actions affect others.  She had packed two bags, threw them into the car, started the car, then turned off the car, and stormed off walking into the night.  This was in the middle of the night.  She kept saying that she "just wanted to die".  She took off her coat and shoes to, I guess, expedite it?  I spent over an hour talking her back into the house.

A couple of thoughts...
It should be painfully clear by now that Sybil just does not care about how her comments affect me.  She cannot see beyond herself.  She does not care about intent but only were her feelings mollified. She will use bullying tactics (tantrums, threats, manipulation) to achieve her goals...at any cost.  We cannot have an intimate relationship.  How can I when making one comment opens a Pandora's Box of pain?  Our marriage is a zombie marriage.  It is not dead...it is not alive.  It needs a mercy killing.  A, metaphorical, bullet to the head.  Because of my convictions, I seem unable (unwilling?) to perform the coup de grace.  This will not end well.

Conflict...Another Redux

In an earlier post, I discussed conflict.  Now, when I was younger, I hated conflict.  I did not enjoy the anxiety it produced in me.  My nerves would start unraveling, and I would use a quick joke to lighten the mood.

As I am older, I still do not enjoy conflict, but I recognize that it can be a positive thing.  If BOTH parties are seeking an understanding and a consensus.  If one party is just wanting to "win" then that means someone is a "loser".  That path does not lead to growth in an intimate relationship.  Sadly, it only leads to a simmering resentment.  I have come to realize that I suffer from this resentment.

My resentment stems from years and years (decades really) of pointless conflict.  This conflict never really seems to resolve anything, and many times feels more like a winner versus a loser.  Since Sybil never really ever sees how she projects onto me, I can only be the loser.  How can I "win" if her approach is to subjugate?  How is that using conflict for a force for good.

To wit, last night Sybil does her usual thing of manipulation.  Her statement of "can you put lotion on my back" is code that she wants to have sex.  Now, I realize many men are in a sexless marriage and would kill for that.  Sex was never our problem.  Anyway, I am putting lotion on her back (as requested) while she, literally, lays there watching TV.  Not doing anything.  Unmoving.  I get tired of this, it is getting late and time for my therapy (nightly exercise session).  I'm kind of turned off by her lack of attention, so I go exercise.  I know, I know her awesomeness in allowing me to touch her should be all that is needed to "get my motor running".  She has even said that.  I have always thought she is joking, but last night it was obvious: I am only there to serve her in whatever fashion she desires.  I am there to serve her whims.

Flash forward to this morning.  Sybil makes it known that she is disappointed that I seemed to not care about sex with her last night.  I chose to watch TV (as I was giving her a back rub) and did my nightly exercise ritual.  She felt like she was not the center of the universe.  I thought about it; I told her that I can see why she might feel that way; while exercising is very important to me for both mental and physical help, I can see why she felt that way; and I will show her that she is more important.  Basically, agreeing with her and letting her know that I will take the necessary steps to change things.  I am the LOSER.

Here's why: Sybil was not satisfied with that answer.  She starts using that as a broad "attack" to air her generalized feelings of being not a high priority.  I care more about the kids, exercise, the office (that one is TOTAL projection).  She is not even in the top five.  At this point I am starting to feel like a sucker...again.  Once again, I feel like I gave Sybil and opening and she went for it.  I continue to be the villain in her story.  Now, I see it for what it is: gaslighting.  She is using techniques to make me change my reality.  This is so common with her.  She'll start with a fairly legitimate issue and then expand it in an effort to make start believing that by doing what I did that I don't ever show her love.

Yes, I am a sucker.  I am a slow learner.  However, Sybil may have a point.  I do think that I have...kind of...dissociated myself.  I have built up walls and defenses; I have worked to keep my engagement with her superficial.  This way I cannot be taken advantage of.

A Brief Overview

If being married to Sybil is so bad, why have I stayed?  Like many things the answer is complicated.  We can simplify it to FOG:

Fear.  "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration".  - Dune Frank Herbert.
     What do I have to fear?  Certainly not death nor dismemberment.  No, the fear I have is, somehow,  ruining our children's lives.  I know the statistics and children of divorce do not do as well in life as children from intact families.  I fear screwing up my children's lives before they are really started.  I fear failure.  Failing to live up to the standards I have set for myself.

Obligation.  I have a very strong sense of obligation.  Of three aspects of the FOG, obligation is my downfall, and Sybil knows this.  I have made a vow to her, and I strive to be an honorable person and keep my vows.  Without honor what are we?  This realization has made me realize that I can never have real leverage against Sybil.  I took divorce off the table.  I will not file for divorce, unless some unknown something occurs.  I guess in some way this is a for of narcissism.  I feel that to be dishonorable is a reflection on myself; I care about I appear.  Morally, there is no question.

Guilt. Right now I have no guilt.  While in some ways I feel that Sybil is my nemesis to my past hubris and is the price a pay.  A kind of penitence.  I must serve this sentence for past crimes.  Let us say that in my youth I was impertinent.  However, this is not a compelling reason.  I feel that any wrongs I have caused have been more than rectified.

There you have it, dear reader.  Of these reasons of staying with someone that makes life unbearable, I would say that Obligation is the biggest for me.  It is a strong motivator for me.  Fear and guilt have less hold over me.

I'm Just Going to Leave This Right Here

Whether or not Sybil is a true Narcissist, or someone that just wants a "pat on the back", I do not know as I am not a mental health expert.  However, she fits many of the profiles.  This screen shot of a Tweet is really how things roll.  In my last post I wrote about conflict.  I am not averse to conflict but I am averse to pointless conflict.  Until I started learning about "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill", I would react to something she said.  Naturally, Sybil would take this reaction as a sign that I am the problem.  Even when told that my reaction is not in a vacuum but a reaction to something she said/did.  This why "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill" is so important when dealing with them.  It cuts off their supply.  It is hard because they do poke and probe to get that reaction they desperately need.

Conflict

War is merely the continuation of politics by other means

                                                     Carl von Clausewitz

Conflict is inherent in humans.  It is part of who we are.  We vie for our point of view to be dominant; we struggle for resources; the result can be death and destruction. Conflict can lead to a rebirth and renewal, or conflict can lead to larger conflict in the future.  Sadly, we humans never learn this.

I am sure that every relationship has conflict.  Two people living together in very close proximity will lead to disagreements.  In a relationship we hope that these disagreements  lead to greater understanding and an improved relationship.  This couple cares about each other and knows the goal is to improve the relationship.  They are not interested in winning a war but care about making the couple better.  At least this what I envision the two people trying to do.

The problem in a relationship is when conflict becomes pointless.  It seems that one or both parties are more interested in winning a war and not strengthening and improving the relationship.  The one only wanting to win the war fails to see that it is a war of attrition.  The unstated goal seems to be to wear down the opposition until they can no longer fight (defend themselves).  The party that loses the will to fight just surrenders...unconditionally.  The victor smugly sees that this is a winning strategy and continues it.  Again and again.  This seemingly internecine war like all such conflicts wears down the population until all parties are broken and in despair.

This is conflict with Sybil.  She strives to win at all costs.  A typical argument may start with something legitimate...usually a breakdown in communication.  A conversation will ensue and we start laying out our sides of the debate.  So far so good.  As the conversation moves along, I may start to see Sybil's point of view, and in the hopes of reaching a mutually satisfactory conclusion will try to defuse the situation.  I am faced with two choices: I can continue this conflict with mutually assured destruction or I can retreat to fight another day.

In winning that particular battle, Sybil does not realize that she is losing the war.  By being a bully, she only sets up the next, future conflict.  In an argument, the winning party should not try to continue the conflict by means of character assassination.  Saying that I am not a team player because I forget to mention something that pertains to an unimportant (in the scheme of things) topic, will only create more resentment and dislike.  When getting one's way in a conflict, it is not wise to set the table for a future conflict that may a worse conflict.  I should think that a wise negotiator gives the other side something.  This way the deal can be mutually beneficial.  Otherwise, what is the incentive for the other side to make concessions?  Parting character assassinations, broad statements of supposed intent, or blanket statements of how they no longer care will not mend fences.

Conflict can lead to growth or destruction.  The participants have that choice to make.  Both sides have to be in agreement, otherwise it is simply surrender, unconditionally.  The victor's victory is usually short-lived, unless the loser is completely demoralized.  The demoralized party will sink to apathy and despair.  I know my history.  I chose this graphic because the victors of World War I simply laid the table for World War II.  WW2 was way worse.  The thing about history is that always repeats itself just with different players.  Human nature does not change.

I Guess Twitter Isn't a Total Dumpster Fire

Seen on Twitter:

Actually, my father did not really say this.  I'm sure he thinks it every day of his life.  I have written how I feel that I am the buffer between my kids and Sybil.  I often wonder if this how our kids see things, too.  So many times things are not clear about our childhood until we are adults.  I hope they understand.

As for any updates...

Sybil still likes to create drama, especially when things are not focused on herself.  Her new tactic is threaten divorce.  I think she hopes that I will start the process, so she will not have to be responsible.  In her mind she can say it was, literally, all of my fault.  I will resist.  It is very, very tempting, though.  I keep thinking about or 5 yo, God's plan, and vows I took.

Stay tuned.

I missed Haiku Sunday

Bitterness

Causes hatefulness

Let it go