Another Post

I felt the need to post...so that's what I'm doing. Just a quickie update.

Things with Sybil are ok. Not great but not awful either. I guess I have come to terms with my lot in life.

Marriage is definitely difficult. I won't lie and say I'm easy to live with either. However, I've learned things about Sybil over the last 18 years that I didn't know, when we were dating. Kind of a bait and switch, really.

Ultimately, it's about control. Sybil loves to be in control (ironically, she hates making decisions, though). Case in point: we were at the Post Office early one morning to mail some packages. There are a couple of cars in the parking lot. As I was about to back up to leave our parking space, Sybil starts fussing about my plan to back out of the space. Why not pull forward and loop around? That's so much easier. Well, not really, but Sybil hates putting the car in reverse. That discomfort was transferred to me. Therefore, she nags at me about not backing out of the space.

Back when I was enamored with Sybil, that would have seemed like an isolated incident. Now I know her oh so well. It ties in beautifully with my last post about control. The problem is that I truly don't understand the need to critique everything I do. It's tiring.

See, the thing is I hate being controlled. I hate being told what I can and cannot do. I bristle at authority. Therefore, the thing with Sybil's need for control in all aspects really creates a lot of tension for me. It causes me to act out in ways that may be self-destructive. For example, Sybil's need to control our sex life. She has the need to control how it is done. I've taken to controlling the when. I know it's passive-aggressive. However, I've spoken to her on more than one occasion. Sadly, her selfishness can't see beyond her needs and into mine. So I don't try as much. It's isn't exciting. I used to try different methods, positions, etc. only to be rebuffed. So what's the point?

Quick update

Yep...I'm still alive and well. Things are coasting along. I am writing for myself, as always. My readership has dwindled to nothing. That's ok, because this blog was in the real sense a web log. I am logging my relationship with Sybil. My lack of posting has nothing to do with some big time breakthrough in our marriage. Nope. I just got tired of writing the same stuff. I'm coming to the end of the road.

But...I've got a little time, and I wanted to blog what happened earlier today. I'm always amazed at the ability people have to rationalize stuff. We all do it. All of us. We never seem to realize that we are doing it, either. Just today Sybil did it. She was talking about this woman we know. She has 4 kids from 2 different fathers, debt up to her ears, can't pay her rent, car has died, and divorced (again). However, she managed to find a guy to not only give her a car free and clear, but also pay her rent for the year. I made the remark of a sexual quid pro quo (involving her performing oral sex on him). Her only remark: "If you had played your cards right, you would be getting a bj too." Nice. Sex as a weapon. Nothing like trying to manipulate someone into doing your bidding. I don't think she saw how she sunk herself to that woman's level. The only difference is that Sybil chooses to use negative reinforcement, instead of positive reinforcement. The other woman is getting a free car and her rent paid. Sybil is getting my ire and resentment. Who is smarter? One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It's that kind of thing that has worn me down. Eighteen years of it. Nothing like being made to feel like a puppet on the end of the string. Naturally, if all I do is what she wants, she isn't happy with that either. Doing so means that I am not thinking for myself.

Seething Resentment

Sybil and I are coming up on 18 years of marriage. These days, that is an accomplishment. I am always wondering how other couples deal with past hurts both big and small. Do they forgive and forget, or do they use the hurt as a bludgeon? Do they use these mistakes as a way to win the argument, or are the mistakes brought up as a way to show a pattern of behavior? Or is this bludgeon a way to change the other's behavior?

I don't have the answer to those questions.

In this blog, I have written about Sybil's behavior. I have not posted even half of the stuff that goes on. "Mommy Dearest" comes to mind. Very similar behavior at times. At other times, she is nothing like that, hence the moniker of Sybil.

My question in this post is about the statute of limitations. I will be the first to say that I have made two huge errors in my marriage. They both were business decisions that were extraordinarily bad. One sprang from my pride, and one sprang from my not wanting to "upset the apple cart". I'm not talking about infidelity or anything that big. No, I am talking about two times that I failed to listen to Sybil and got bitten for it. I have admitted to my poor decisions. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that has been done. I cannot. I can only move forward and try to learn from them.

So what is the statute of limitations? When am I off of probation? Whenever a disagreement comes about, Sybil uses these two issues to undermine my position. Her resentment and even anger towards me is palpable, yet despite my best efforts, she will not forgive me. She says she does, but why bring these issues up at every turn? That tells me that she does not forgive me.

Between these decisions and Sybil's demeanor towards me, my self-confidence is at an all time low. Sybil has always questioned everything I have done and sought ways to control my behavior (I don't say the right thing, don't act the right way, etc.). With new ammunition, she is able to step up the assault on me. If she resents me so much, why not just do us both a favor and leave? Stubbornness. Sybil is stubborn (in fairness, I am stubborn also). Leaving would admit defeat. That cannot happen.

Although Sybil feels that everything wrong in her life is because of me, she will have to be the one to get over it. I cannot make her. She will have to be the one to either "fish or cut bait". Either way the resentment will end.

I'm Not the Only One

I read this post at The Good Men Project. It fits a lot of what I see/feel. I was such a laid back kind of guy. Sybil knows how to punch my buttons.

It's amazing how she complains about my lack of confidence, yet does everything in her power to make sure I'm torn down. A good example of a "death by a thousand papercuts": called to bring her lunch (it was lunch time, and she was at the office on Saturday). I had gotten up at 5AM to work at a charity event from 6AM to 12 PM. I called her to ask what she wanted, I bought her lunch, I brought the lunch to her, and she complained that I didn't get her fries (the same Sybil that complains about her weight). She didn't appreciate my efforts in caring about what she wants. I really don't care about this incident, because this is typical Sybil. I use it to illustrate how nearly 18 years of this and worse wears the other person down.

I have two choices: quit trying or quit caring. Since it's obvious that Sybil is a complete bitch and always has been, I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed.

I'm an Ol' Meanie

"You're so MEAN!!," yelled Sybil.

I had just turned off the TV and turned towards her as I prepared to go to sleep. It was late (~11:30 pm), and I had to get up early. Sybil had gone to bed around 7:30 due to a bad headache (combination of staying up too late the night before and stress at the office). When I came to bed around 10:00, she was sound asleep. I watched a little TV before going to sleep.

At one point Sybil awoke and asked, "What time is it?"

"Around 11:30," I answered.

"AM or PM?"

"PM."

At this point, I thought Sybil was asleep: she asked an obviously stupid question (it was pitch black in our bedroom) and had gone silent. Imagine my surprise, when she yelled, "You're so MEAN!!"

WTF?!?!? I literally jumped out of bed. I was almost asleep, and her exclamation was so surprising I reacted by nearly jumping out of my skin.

Since I turned off the TV and turned towards in preparation to go to sleep without asking about her headache, I just do not care. I only care about myself. I defended myself that she seemed about to go to sleep judging by her reaction and her inability ascertain whether or not it is PM or AM. Nope. I. Just. Do. Not. Care.

After that tiff, she might be on to something. I just about do not care. If it were not for the kids, I would be out of here. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me here. Sybil has created a home life that is just unbearable. It's not that I don't care about Sybil's well-being. I just don't care about the abuse.

I must maintain for the kids' sake. I am just an Average Married Chump.

Was: The Walkabout Continues

This is what I intended to write about

I have been away reading various blogs on what women want. I am familiar with the mainstream version: women want a nice guy that will listen to them and treat them special. This makes for a "Princess on a Pedestal". I have noticed a running theme in today's culture that says women are, somehow, superior to men. I see it in TV shows, movies, on the news, etc.

Now, the blogs I am reading are ones that run counter to what is in pop-culture. These blogs deal with doing exactly the opposite of what a woman tells you they want. Ideas are boiled down to "Alpha" behavior verses "Beta" behavior. Our culture says women want a Beta provider to take care of them, yet what men see are Alpha males getting the women.

Beta males are the providers. These men get up early and go to bed late. They work hard and die young. They see themselves as the provider for the family. They try to do what they're wives/girlfriends ask at all times. Obviously, the vast majority of men are in this category. Think of them as the steady, wage earner. Kind of dull but consistent and steady.

Alpha males are the "bad boys". They are only out for themselves and whatever they can get from others. They tend to treat women as objects and have a misogynistic streak. He would never treat a woman as the most important thing in his life. As a matter of fact, he expects the woman to treat him as the most important thing. He is not interested in a family life.

The idea that women are attracted to the Bad Boy is nothing new. I wish I had a nickel for every woman that said she wished she could find a nice guy, yet this same woman kept going after the Bad Boy. These women never seemed to be self-aware enough to realize they are responsible for the Bad Boy. Men are simple creatures. However, men are not stupid. If men start seeing that what women really want is a Bad Boy to move them, then that is what they will become.

Well, I'm not really in the mood. Yes, I've been traipsing around the "manosphere" with its men's rights. Too many times it seems too jaded. No, instead I'll talk about my favorite subject: Sybil and our Co-Dependent Marriage.

I'm really tired of being married right now. It is too hard. It is too hard being told that being decisive means I don't listen to her opinions. It's too hard being told that I'm not decisive enough. It's too hard having the feeling of Charlie Brown trying to kick that football only to have it pulled away. It's too hard having strict boundaries in the bedroom.

I think I could put up with a lot of Sybil's BS, if the bedroom stuff was ok. Type A, control freaks never shut that aspect of their personality off. It defines who they are. That aspect makes for a difficult living arrangement. They feel the need to ALWAYS be in control no matter the situation. Not only must they be in control but others around them must accept their control. If others do not, then they are selfish people. Sadly, these controlling people never see themselves as the actual narcissus. They never see that their mentality leaves no room for other's opinions or feelings.

The Ideal Parent

Amy Chua wrote this article in the Wall Street Journal about the supremacy of a Chinese upbringing. In it she describes her parenting style, and it being an anathema to Western thought. She compares and contrasts Chinese moms to Western moms. Since Sybil is Chinese (immigrated from Hong Kong when she was 7), I'll chime in, also.

Ms. Chua has a point about the positives of how Chinese moms parent. They are much more strict and take less B.S. than their Western counterparts. Sybil is a perfectionist, which goes along with the Chinese stereotype. She expects her children to as perfect as possible. Of her siblings, she is the least successful: oldest brother is a physician, second oldest is an aeronautical engineer, third oldest is an electrical engineer, older sister is a pharmacist, and younger brother is a pharmacist. Sybil by contrast was a stay-at-home-mom until our youngest was old enough to go to school. Now she helps me in my business. I have seen first hand how a Chinese mom can be. In a word, they are tyrants.

That does not mean that Chinese moms do not love their children. They express their desire to have the best for their children by trying to mold them into being the best. Chinese women have a control freakishness about them that is surprising. The stereotypical Chinese woman is subservient to her husband. That may be true in movies. I have never seen it. Not her mother nor her sister. This need to control extends to their children. Couple that need to status (having "face"), and that is can be a bad mixture.

This mixture makes Chinese people great employees. You want a software written without bugs? Get a Chinese person to do it. You want a doctor to operate on you? Get a Chinese person to do it. You get the drift. Sadly, this form of upbringing makes for poor entrepreneurs. The perfectionist, play-it-safe upbringing makes for a terrible skill set for striking out on one's own. The fear of failure and, therefore, loss of face is too great. A Chinese upbringing makes for too much emphasis to be placed on getting the right credentials and not developing a skill set.

What skills are needed? In my opinion, the ones listed below:
1. Self-esteem. To start a business or move up in the corporate ladder one needs self-esteem. Being a worker bee trapped in a cubicle, while safe, is a soul-sucking existence.
2. Networking. Controlling the types of people one's children come in contact with, leaves that person in a poor position to be able to relate to others. Many Chinese people have a hard time relating to non-Chinese people.

3. Broad knowledge. Thinking that one has the right credentials guarantees life long income and comfort is wrong headed. As the economy changes, getting more credentials only means one becomes more and more specialized. The more specialized one becomes the less able to adapt to change. Also, credentialism has little to do with intelligence or knowledge.

What happens to these Chinese kids in the real world? They've gone to be best universities and have seemingly successful careers, yet they are "socially autistic". They become disillusioned with their life's path, which leads to bitterness.

I think life has to be a balancing act. Only focusing on getting "A's" in school, being the best in piano, etc. with nothing else to make one a well-rounded person makes for a sad, shallow existence. Life is a challenge. Being so caught up being the best, creates more stress and challenges.

I'm Not Dead

Sorry for the dearth of posts. It seems that as a blog ages, the posts become less frequent.

Things with Sybil and me are pretty good right now. It comes down to acceptance. She is starting to accept my faults, instead of trying to change them. I'm starting to accept the fact that this is as good as it gets. With the exception of her over the top, exaggerated histrionics, she's a pretty decent wife. Naturally, I wish the sex was better. I guess vanilla ice cream is better than no ice cream.

After over 17 years of marriage, it boils down to love. What is love, though? It isn't that tingly feeling that one gets. It is much calmer. Although I wish the lust portion of our marriage was better, I think we are more in love now than we have been in a long time. We still have a our blow-ups, but she is more calmer. I think Sybil decided to make peace with me. I think I have decided to make peace with her. That is the key to it.

People spend so much of their time being resentful that it becomes like a virus. When a virus infects a cell, it takes over the machinery of the cell. The cell starts producing more viruses that are spread to more cells and so on. Stopping the process of resentment infection can be very difficult. Forgiving someone for a slight (either real or perceived) is very key. Oh sure we can say, "I forgive you," but until that is in one's heart, it's meaningless. Many people have resentment towards their spouse and can't let it go. This leads to divorce which is very destructive on so many levels. That destruction can be staved off by forgiveness. Sounds so simple, yet it is so hard.

That's why I haven't been posting much. Sybil and I have come to a consensus. This blog was about my struggles with Sybil. Since we haven't been struggling as much, I don't have as much to post about. I will be posting, periodically. The focus will, probably, change to other topics. Topics that I have been thinking about as far as marriage in general, rather than focusing on my marriage only.

Thanks for reading this pitiful wretch's blog. Life is a struggle. We must always endeavor to persevere.

New Horizon or SSDD*?

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":

1. Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
   
2. Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
   
3. On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
4. Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
   
5. Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."

Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.


*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.

This Sums It All Up

Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. His Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.

On That Road to Hell...Redux

Well, I haven't posted a good fight between Sybil and me in awhile. This one is a doozy. I had to look up a fight that was similar to this one.

It all happened Saturday. Sybil asked me to install a special type of thermostat at the office. It automatically changes from heat to cool depending on the settings. Now, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I know it will take me awhile. Since there are two, I know it will take me awhile longer for two (although the second one was easier). While I'm trying to figure this out and install it correctly, Sybil sent me a text message. Since I'm deep in thought and really wanting to get the project done as quickly and efficiently as possible, I ignore the text. Sybil decides to call me. I had to stop everything and answer the phone. Apparently, I sounded irritated (which I was). This adds to up to a big no-no.

Later that night, my parents, Sybil, and I are in the living room talking. She wanted to know, if the thermostat in the house was same as the living room. I answered, "Yes". It wasn't, but the setup was the same. That is what I was trying to say, but I totally botched it. My father and I continued to talk about thermostats. Then I said, "No" to it being the same. Not realizing that I had contradicted myself. This was the final straw. As everyone drifted to bed, I noticed Sybil acting withdrawn. I thought, "WTF did I do THIS time?"

I let Sybil go to bed. I waited about 45 minutes (I was pretty steamed). I went to the bedroom. Now it is on. I kept asking Sybil what the problem was. She kept saying "Wow" like it was so obvious. Everytime I asked she said "Wow!" This went on for a long time. I was racking my brain about the conversation. She kept saying it had to do with what I said. "WTF," I thought. I went through the topics of conversation. Finally, I landed on the right one: the thermostat. Apparently, I lied to her about the thermostat, when she asked me about it. I told her one thing and told my father something else. Now, Sybil is in full victim mode: no one listens to her, no one cares about her, she is nothing but a "hole", she will just sleep on the floor because she is beneath me.

I apologized for my inconsistent answer. Profusely. I didn't mean to give inconsistent answers, but I did not lie. Why would I? Besides a lie has to do with intent: intentionally trying to mislead someone. I did not do that. I admitted to giving her a dumb answer but I did not lie. In giving her this answer, I revealed that I don't care about her. Sybil is nothing but a "hole" to me. I kept trying to reassure her that was not the case. I apologized many times.

Then Sybil brings up the texting thing. Whenever I hear my phone, I should check it no matter what I'm doing. Now, we have had discussions before about the proper role of texting: it is used for communication when one knows that the other party is busy. If the topic is more pressing, then one calls. Sybil says, "What if I had a wreck and I was bleeding profusely? You wouldn't know because you wouldn't answer your text." Huh? I answered that is pretty stupid because if someone is bleeding profusely, then I would expect a phone call. Saturday night conversation ended with Sybil sleeping on the floor and me sleeping in the bed.

Sunday morning comes along. I try to restart the conversation. Again, I am met with how I am a liar and don't care. Again, Sybil brings up the texting thing. Again, I apologize profusely. She refuses to accept it. She's heard it all before. She knows it is empty words. I don't think, I don't care about her, etc.

Since that day, Sybil has not worn her ring. She has a nice white mark there where it was. Right now, I don't even care. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the resentment. I'm tired of having to watch every little thing I do. I'm tired of Sybil's constant criticism. What I did was stupid, but it does not rise to this level of drama! I didn't go out bar hopping without permission, I did not sleep with another person, I did not hit her, I did not do anything except make a stupid comment. Period. If she wants to take ring off as a symbol of divorce. Fine. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm ok with her divorcing me. If I am such a terrible husband, then she should leave.

So I'm on that Road to Hell...again.

I'm Not Dead

But I am not really feeling alive. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'm definitely in a funk. I'm not sure why. Probably stress. Living with Sybil, work, and kids make for a lot of stress.

I wish I could say my lack of posting means that Sybil and I had some sort of break through. Alas, it is more of the same. After nearly 17 years of marriage, we seem to be moving from romantic love towards agape love. Maybe that will be much deeper and satisfying? Sadly, all I want to do in bed is sleep.

Is this how affairs happen? When someone says, "I didn't mean for this to happen," are they in the same mental state as I? I've never believed that whole excuse. I will not be having an affair. The whole idea of having an affair is repugnant to me. The lingering pain that would cause is too much. Affairs are self-centered acts. Marriage is supposed to self-less. That being said, I do have more empathy for those that stray. The feeling of plodding along through life is a weight that is bearing down upon me.

Yup!

Denial Isn't Just a River in Egypt

Denial is a subversive thing. One never knows one is denial. We all have aspects in our lives that we subconsciously turn a blind eye.

I've been living with an abuser for over 16 years. There, I said it. I don't mean in a physical sense but a verbal and psychological sense. Years of yelling and constant criticism have taken their toll. The affects are insidious. Kind of a frog in boiling water kind of thing. It's amazing really. It has only been recently that I've noticed its effects on me: I've taken on the negative attributes of Sybil.

In an epiphany after one of our numerous spats, it came to me. I have, unwittingly, started to act like Sybil. I've developed an extremely short fuse; I've started trying to shout down any opposition; I've started to shift the blame to others; I've become ultra-defensive. I used to be such a laid back person. Sadly, I've noticed a change in my behavior. I've noticed an ugliness about me that smacks of Sybil.

I've been in denial about this for a long time. I won't go into details about what brought everything into focus. It was my response during one of our numerous, stupid arguments. Sybil started yelling at me; I retaliated by yelling at her; it ended with my yelling, "Whatever!", which brought the argument to an end. That was 10 days ago. Sybil is acting distant. I wish she could see that her way of going into an argument ratchets up the emotional response from me. I've tried to bring this to her attention, but she always blames me for her reaction. Typical for an abuser. Abusers never take responsibility for the abuse they dish out. If only the abusee would stop doing ______, the abuser would not have to react that way.

Not only has years of abuse changed my behavior in these situations, but also it has affected my self-esteem. Only now I am coming to realize that years of putting up with being made to feel inferior by constant criticism and verbal abuse has really taken its toll on my self-image. In this struggle, I have to maintain my self. I must rely upon my inner strength to keep going.

Denial is at an end. Like many victims of abuse, I defended Sybil in my mind. If only I hadn't done ______ or had done ______, then everything would have been great. The only problem is I'm not perfect. I know I am a hopelessly flawed person. EVERYONE is, though. Until a few years ago, I have always been able to forgive Sybil and move on. Within those dark times, I held anger and resentment towards Sybil. These emotions were brought on by Sybil's attacks. When I had my epiphany, I realized that I will never be able to be that happy, self-confident person again unless I forgive Sybil. Sybil is hopelessly flawed. I must be able to forgive her and not give into my baser instincts of lashing out. I must take the high road no matter what happens.

I don't know what the future will hold for Sybil and me. Divorce? Reconciliation? Status quo? Two strangers living together? All I know is that I must regain my self.

Later,
Aphron

That Third Option is Almost Here

I'll bet that within my lifetime sexbots will be available. This article about one such 'bot tells me that we are getting closer. It won't be long now. It will be the death of human race.

For men, we can have someone to satisfy our physical pleasures and not hear: "whether this dress makes me look fat." We can focus on our favorite sport without being made to feel guilty for focusing on something besides the female in our lives for three to six hours a week. Since most women under the age of 40 can't cook anyhow, we can either continue feeding ourselves or we can program our 'bot to do it for us. There is no downside.

For women, a sexbot will be the perfect answer. It will be able to last as long as needed. It is always a captivated audience. The 'bot won't complain about have to sit through another episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." It love you no matter what dress size your wear. The toilet seat will remain exactly how you left it.

I predict, with the advent of these wonderful humanoids, we will see birth rates drop, marriage rates drop and divorce rates will increase. Within a 100 years, the human race will be no more.

Housekeeping

Well, my blogging is way down...kind of like my libido.

We survived the trip to the beach for Thanksgiving. We survived the holidays, although I've learned that too much together time with Sybil is not a good thing. That doesn't bode well for retirement.

Who's seen the the new law in France would ban psychological violence. What is that, exactly? Seems rather open ended. If that law were passed here, could I bring Sybil up on charges? Since women love arguments and wade into controversy much easier than men, I would think that women would be against this law.

I've come to discover that Desperate Housewives is a guilty pleasure. Since the show is basically written by some woman hater, it shouldn't come as any great surprise. Each of the female characters is a caricature of all that is wrong with the "fairer sex".

Right now, I don't like women very much. I could never be gay, so I'm hoping for a third option.

Five Go Out; Four Come Back

Well, we plan on going to the beach this year for Thanksgiving. Not only are we going to the beach, but also we are camping...in a tent.

I wish I could tell you that I am REALLY looking forward to it, but I cannot. I'm not looking forward to the 6-7 hour drive to get there. I'm not looking forward to setting up our campsite in the dark (Sybil wants the kids to go to their half day of school). I'm not looking forward to spending the weekend with Sybil.

Don't get me wrong; I love to camp. I love the primitive nature of shedding the stress of the office and slowing down. When we went to this particular place a couple of years ago, it was a lot of fun. The weather was great. The bright spot is we always go with our friends of ~15 years. They can act as our referee.

Hours in a car; sleeping in a tent; what could go wrong?

Keep me in your prayers.

Later,

Aphron

We Don't Live in North Carolina:

From This Website:

Grocery Store | Greensboro, NC, USA

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

The process of "de-balling" is slow and inexorable.

Later,

Aphron

Wow! Another Post

Another post in the same month. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Resentment is what's ricocheting in my head right now. Pure, evil resentment. Resentment is an amazing thing. It is a very sneaky bugger. One doesn't know about one's suffering from it until one has a full-blown case of it. It has many causes but the end result is the same: anger. Sadly, I think this phenomenon is the root cause for discord in a marriage.

Resentment can make one seem childish. How to deal with resentment? How does one let go of the poison in one's system? I stand (actually, sit in front of my screen) as one that suffers from this calamity. As one that suffers from it, I, alone, can solve it. In theory, it is very simple. Confront the reason for my resentment. In my case, it is Sybil.

As an illustration, let me offer an example of the cause of resentment. As I was helping daughter with learning the states and capitals in the Pacific time zone last night, Sybil thought of a different way of doing it. I will admit to her way being simpler than mine. Let us say that I was "over engineering" the solution. When Sybil saw what my solution was, her response was to call me "Idiot".

Verbal abuse? To be sure. How did I deal with it? I didn't. Why? In times past I have confronted Sybil in these situations. She likes to hurl what I've called "verbal hand grenades". By lobbing these hand grenades, Sybil had blithely toss them and run, figuratively speaking. The defense she offers up is "well, you were acting like an idiot" or "you frustrated me with how you did it". As she uses these excuses, I ask her, "if our kids called another an idiot for whatever reason, would that be ok with you?" Her response is to still continue to blame me for her bad behavior.

This leads to resentment. Sybil does not offer an apology. Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind. She does not see the long term effect this would cause someone. Multiply this sort of thing by 16 years, and one sees what I mean. This is just one little thing (sticks and stones kind of thing). Add that product to years of sexual suffocation and the end result is not pretty.

What is the answer? If I were not a Christian and more narcissistic, I would leave Sybil. That is not off of the table. Sadly, she is too intertwined in my professional life. Not mention the three ankle biters I have living with me. I guess I'll continue to blog about my personal problems. I guess I haven't, totally, vented my spleen.

Later,
Aphron