Blogger Versary

It's hard to believe that I've been blogging about this stuff for 15 years.  I realized this a couple of days ago.  I just checked...yup...February 2005.  I missed the actual anniversary.  Let's take stock...


First of all, any woman contemplating becoming a wife should read this article.  I checked off about 7 out of 10 things that Sybil does on a routine basis.  Mainly she just creates a ton of drama.  This has not changed, nor do I expect it to.  We are the same people.  I have started working on myself over the years, so I work very hard to keep it together.  Still, she knows all of my buttons and knows how to push them.  I still struggle maintaining Grey Rock and Medium Chill.  I know that I am delaying the inevitable.  The center cannot hold.  A relationship cannot remain, if one person keeps creating drama.

An easy example, yesterday I came to Sybil to discuss the plans for the day.  I told her that I need to mow the grass at the office and the rental house.  It was 10:30 in the morning and I should be done a little after lunch.  My simple, innocent suggestion was the wrong thing.  See, I did not include her.  It was only what I wanted to do, and I did not include her.  Therefore, that proves that I only care about what I want; I could care less about her.  So...this led to a day long argument with the chores being done at a much later time.  Because of her drama, we wasted the whole day.  We didn't start the chores until 5 pm and by the time we finished we barely had time to eat dinner.

This episode encapsulates our lives.  We have wasted, literally, years over petty bickering because Sybil was triggered.  It feels like that she must know where I am and what I am doing at all times. She must feel included in the decision making process.  Sybil has no concept of division of labor.  In this grass mowing incident, we could have gotten the chores done (hers and mine) and still had time for a relaxing afternoon.  Sadly, she was triggered, so we had a tense most of the day, followed by completing the most of the (not all) of the mowing.  The day ended with her finding something else to complain about me.

Throughout all of this, I have realized I am a massive cautionary tale.  A huge joke.  I have become that shining example of what not to do.  I know there are ways to extricate myself, and I believe that will happen.  There is only so much someone can take.

Interesting perspective

A couple of videos that seem to help elucidate the situation with Sybil.  Firstly, This good doctor in one of her videos states that to be diagnosed as having NPD, it must cause distress in one's life.  The example was someone addicted to drugs.  Until that person recognizes what it does to their life, they may not have a problem.  Therefore, let us redefine Sybil.  She is a narcissist.  In my layperson opinion she has 60% covert narcissism (raging especially) and 40% neglectful narcissism (can only think of work).  In this case is she is a Hybrid Narcissist.  

It has taken me, literally, years (beginning of the blog) to come to this conclusion.  While having a name is nice, it does not change our situation.  The situation is this: she can only think of how a situation affects her feelings.  NO ONE sees this.  In public, she is courteous, conscious of other's feelings.  Sybil bends herself into a pretzel trying to putting the other person on a pedestal.  I get the left overs.  

Sure, there are times Sybil knows things have gone too far, and I am checking out.  She will use the only arrow in her quiver: sex.  With sex she knows that she gets me to focus only on her.  Funny thing...I am getting older and sex is less important to me.  Really the only thing she has over me is our young child.  That's it.

It is nice to put a name on Sybil: Hybrid Narcissist.  It does not really change anything, though.  The parties involved are the same.

Causing Brain FOG

Pretty much just going to leave this right here.  Living with Sybil is time consuming, mentally.  I tend to be of the sort that ruminates anyway.  How do I spend my mental time?  I think about the narcissist in my life.  Ironic.  Like a computer that has too many apps open and slowing down, there are times that I can tell that my mental capacity is overwhelmed and slowing down.  Heck, even Sybil has noticed that.  She is convinced that there is something wrong with me.  This situation may not have been 100% of my doing, but I can only have myself to blame.  I have allowed events to continue and float along.  Coupled with the economic slowdown and spending a lot more time with Sybil, I am not sure how much more I can take.

Nice Little Graphic of Sybil's Pet Name for Me

I'll just leave this right here.  As soon as last night, I was called "A$#hole".  In this case, I will own that I did do something wrong.  In a moment of weakness, I was not honest with Sybil.  In my weakness I did not confront her with a demeaning comment she said to me in front of others.  I'll take 50% of the blame.  In my mind there is no point in confronting her with stuff because even on the very, very rare occasion I get her to somehow apologize, the apology is hollow.

This is my conundrum: I do not feel that I can (safely?) confront Sybil with things that she does.  I have to wade through a river of crap with a rare reward.  This leaves me with the choice of having a closed relationship with my wife or constantly fighting battles.

There is a third option...Sybil keeps talking divorce.  Now, my mind is made up.  I will not be the one to divorce.  Maybe that is stubborn pride, but she will have to be the one to make that decision.

Any Response Will be Wrong

In this scene, Private Joker makes the statement that no matter what he says will be wrong and the Drill Instructor will abuse him more.

I have noticed this with Sybil.

First a quick update...not much to update.  After that tremendous blow up last week because I don't know her after over 26 years of marriage.  If I DID know her, I would know that she likes a slow wake up and not more sleep.  This just means I know NOTHING about her.

The thing about Sybil is she likes to keep the drama (hurt) going as long as possible.  She likes for us to work on our marriage (really that is a euphemism for "fixing" me).  What this means we have to communicate about everything.  It does not matter that when I do try to open dialogues of communication with her, she criticizes the techniques of opening the dialogue.  Naturally, this totally derails the conversation and makes me think, yet again, what a colossal waste of time this is.  No matter how I try, it will be wrong.  This will reinforce her resentment towards to me.  Then we are spiraling to nowhere.

I am the stupid one here.  I keep trying.  Sadly, Sybil has no desire for calmness and happiness.  She thrives on the conflict.  Watching her face light up and her gaze intensify is almost alarming.  What should only be greeted with sadness is really watching her get a charge off of the conflict.  I have seen this before: sports.  Watching someone get into the zone (psyched up) before a playing a sport is the closest thing I've seen.

Last thing as I document our situation.  Last night after trying to work on our marriage (by the way if one has to work on their marriage there is something terribly wrong) and failing to do it to Sybil's standards; she remarked that I do not "help her with her emotions".  She actually said that!  Then she added that she helps with my emotions and does not feel that I reciprocate.  Stupidly, I replied that I do not think I should manage someone's emotions; I do not think it is even possible to manage someone's emotions; and I asked for example of where she tried to manage my emotions.  Naturally, she was silent.  I can only assume she did not like me stating the obvious: one cannot manage someone else's emotions and she could not offer proof that she had tried to managed mine.  I could think of last week's blow up and how her seeing me visibly upset by her verbal abuse only led to her seeing an opening to "twist the knife" and become more abusive.

To work on our marriage is impossible.  Sybil demands that I change without any commiserate change from her.  How can I want to talk to someone that hurls insults and acts like a petulant child?  I cannot, but I still must.  The ol' obligation kicks in: my 5 year old son.  He is the only reason we are still together.  If not for him, I would have left years ago.

Zombie Marriage

So Sybil and I have had a couple of dust-ups these past few weeks.  Sadly, I am so stupid that I do not recognize the pattern of slow, creeping escalation until it blows up in my face.  Last night, the bomb blew up...big time.  Like many other blow-ups, it was focused on how I marginalize how she feels.

Yesterday started like any other day.  In the morning I was in the midst of my ritual, when I heard Sybil's alarm on her phone in the living room.  Strange.  Apparently, the night before she had forgotten to take her phone to bed, plug it in to charge, so she would not be able to hear her alarm.  Now, I know that Sybil is not a morning person.  She likes her sleep.  I, also, know that she usually is not out of bed until around 6:50 am.  That is when I hear her get into the shower.  Her alarm went off at 6:30.  I found her phone, turned off the alarm, and plugged it in to charge.  I waited 20 minutes until 6:50 to wake her up.  She was surprised, thanked me and got up.  I went back to complete my morning routine.

Later, I came into the room and Sybil was looking at what clothes to wear for the day.  She stated, "I don't like to be wakened suddenly. I like a gradual wake up".  To which I stated, "When you make comments like that, it makes me feel like I am stupid for trying to be nice to you."  Wrong answer!  It was game on...big time.  In Sybil's mind I do not care about how she feels (I thought she likes to get her sleep in the morning), therefore I must be destroyed.

After dropping off our son at school, Sybil started yelling at me.  Cursing.  Called me an a#$hole.  Saying that I only care about how I feel and do not care about her feelings at all.  I turned the car around, went back home, as I did not want to be in the same car with her.  As I exited the car to get into my car, I was visibly upset (tears in my eyes).  What did this woman that I have pledged my life to do?  Turned the knife...of course.  She kept yelling at me, telling me how terrible I am, how I am not a nice person.  It is all about me; I never care about her or anyone else.  Yelling this the whole time.  Finally, she stated that she was done and was going to talk to a lawyer.  All because of my statement.  This lasted about an hour with Sybil becoming more and more enraged.

Last night, I broached the subject by saying, "Do we need to talk about this morning?"  Naturally, this was the wrong approach and shows I only care about how I feel; not how my actions affect others.  She had packed two bags, threw them into the car, started the car, then turned off the car, and stormed off walking into the night.  This was in the middle of the night.  She kept saying that she "just wanted to die".  She took off her coat and shoes to, I guess, expedite it?  I spent over an hour talking her back into the house.

A couple of thoughts...
It should be painfully clear by now that Sybil just does not care about how her comments affect me.  She cannot see beyond herself.  She does not care about intent but only were her feelings mollified. She will use bullying tactics (tantrums, threats, manipulation) to achieve her goals...at any cost.  We cannot have an intimate relationship.  How can I when making one comment opens a Pandora's Box of pain?  Our marriage is a zombie marriage.  It is not dead...it is not alive.  It needs a mercy killing.  A, metaphorical, bullet to the head.  Because of my convictions, I seem unable (unwilling?) to perform the coup de grace.  This will not end well.

Conflict...Another Redux

In an earlier post, I discussed conflict.  Now, when I was younger, I hated conflict.  I did not enjoy the anxiety it produced in me.  My nerves would start unraveling, and I would use a quick joke to lighten the mood.

As I am older, I still do not enjoy conflict, but I recognize that it can be a positive thing.  If BOTH parties are seeking an understanding and a consensus.  If one party is just wanting to "win" then that means someone is a "loser".  That path does not lead to growth in an intimate relationship.  Sadly, it only leads to a simmering resentment.  I have come to realize that I suffer from this resentment.

My resentment stems from years and years (decades really) of pointless conflict.  This conflict never really seems to resolve anything, and many times feels more like a winner versus a loser.  Since Sybil never really ever sees how she projects onto me, I can only be the loser.  How can I "win" if her approach is to subjugate?  How is that using conflict for a force for good.

To wit, last night Sybil does her usual thing of manipulation.  Her statement of "can you put lotion on my back" is code that she wants to have sex.  Now, I realize many men are in a sexless marriage and would kill for that.  Sex was never our problem.  Anyway, I am putting lotion on her back (as requested) while she, literally, lays there watching TV.  Not doing anything.  Unmoving.  I get tired of this, it is getting late and time for my therapy (nightly exercise session).  I'm kind of turned off by her lack of attention, so I go exercise.  I know, I know her awesomeness in allowing me to touch her should be all that is needed to "get my motor running".  She has even said that.  I have always thought she is joking, but last night it was obvious: I am only there to serve her in whatever fashion she desires.  I am there to serve her whims.

Flash forward to this morning.  Sybil makes it known that she is disappointed that I seemed to not care about sex with her last night.  I chose to watch TV (as I was giving her a back rub) and did my nightly exercise ritual.  She felt like she was not the center of the universe.  I thought about it; I told her that I can see why she might feel that way; while exercising is very important to me for both mental and physical help, I can see why she felt that way; and I will show her that she is more important.  Basically, agreeing with her and letting her know that I will take the necessary steps to change things.  I am the LOSER.

Here's why: Sybil was not satisfied with that answer.  She starts using that as a broad "attack" to air her generalized feelings of being not a high priority.  I care more about the kids, exercise, the office (that one is TOTAL projection).  She is not even in the top five.  At this point I am starting to feel like a sucker...again.  Once again, I feel like I gave Sybil and opening and she went for it.  I continue to be the villain in her story.  Now, I see it for what it is: gaslighting.  She is using techniques to make me change my reality.  This is so common with her.  She'll start with a fairly legitimate issue and then expand it in an effort to make start believing that by doing what I did that I don't ever show her love.

Yes, I am a sucker.  I am a slow learner.  However, Sybil may have a point.  I do think that I have...kind of...dissociated myself.  I have built up walls and defenses; I have worked to keep my engagement with her superficial.  This way I cannot be taken advantage of.

A Brief Overview

If being married to Sybil is so bad, why have I stayed?  Like many things the answer is complicated.  We can simplify it to FOG:

Fear.  "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration".  - Dune Frank Herbert.
     What do I have to fear?  Certainly not death nor dismemberment.  No, the fear I have is, somehow,  ruining our children's lives.  I know the statistics and children of divorce do not do as well in life as children from intact families.  I fear screwing up my children's lives before they are really started.  I fear failure.  Failing to live up to the standards I have set for myself.

Obligation.  I have a very strong sense of obligation.  Of three aspects of the FOG, obligation is my downfall, and Sybil knows this.  I have made a vow to her, and I strive to be an honorable person and keep my vows.  Without honor what are we?  This realization has made me realize that I can never have real leverage against Sybil.  I took divorce off the table.  I will not file for divorce, unless some unknown something occurs.  I guess in some way this is a for of narcissism.  I feel that to be dishonorable is a reflection on myself; I care about I appear.  Morally, there is no question.

Guilt. Right now I have no guilt.  While in some ways I feel that Sybil is my nemesis to my past hubris and is the price a pay.  A kind of penitence.  I must serve this sentence for past crimes.  Let us say that in my youth I was impertinent.  However, this is not a compelling reason.  I feel that any wrongs I have caused have been more than rectified.

There you have it, dear reader.  Of these reasons of staying with someone that makes life unbearable, I would say that Obligation is the biggest for me.  It is a strong motivator for me.  Fear and guilt have less hold over me.

I'm Just Going to Leave This Right Here

Whether or not Sybil is a true Narcissist, or someone that just wants a "pat on the back", I do not know as I am not a mental health expert.  However, she fits many of the profiles.  This screen shot of a Tweet is really how things roll.  In my last post I wrote about conflict.  I am not averse to conflict but I am averse to pointless conflict.  Until I started learning about "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill", I would react to something she said.  Naturally, Sybil would take this reaction as a sign that I am the problem.  Even when told that my reaction is not in a vacuum but a reaction to something she said/did.  This why "Grey Rock" and "Medium Chill" is so important when dealing with them.  It cuts off their supply.  It is hard because they do poke and probe to get that reaction they desperately need.

Conflict

War is merely the continuation of politics by other means

                                                     Carl von Clausewitz

Conflict is inherent in humans.  It is part of who we are.  We vie for our point of view to be dominant; we struggle for resources; the result can be death and destruction. Conflict can lead to a rebirth and renewal, or conflict can lead to larger conflict in the future.  Sadly, we humans never learn this.

I am sure that every relationship has conflict.  Two people living together in very close proximity will lead to disagreements.  In a relationship we hope that these disagreements  lead to greater understanding and an improved relationship.  This couple cares about each other and knows the goal is to improve the relationship.  They are not interested in winning a war but care about making the couple better.  At least this what I envision the two people trying to do.

The problem in a relationship is when conflict becomes pointless.  It seems that one or both parties are more interested in winning a war and not strengthening and improving the relationship.  The one only wanting to win the war fails to see that it is a war of attrition.  The unstated goal seems to be to wear down the opposition until they can no longer fight (defend themselves).  The party that loses the will to fight just surrenders...unconditionally.  The victor smugly sees that this is a winning strategy and continues it.  Again and again.  This seemingly internecine war like all such conflicts wears down the population until all parties are broken and in despair.

This is conflict with Sybil.  She strives to win at all costs.  A typical argument may start with something legitimate...usually a breakdown in communication.  A conversation will ensue and we start laying out our sides of the debate.  So far so good.  As the conversation moves along, I may start to see Sybil's point of view, and in the hopes of reaching a mutually satisfactory conclusion will try to defuse the situation.  I am faced with two choices: I can continue this conflict with mutually assured destruction or I can retreat to fight another day.

In winning that particular battle, Sybil does not realize that she is losing the war.  By being a bully, she only sets up the next, future conflict.  In an argument, the winning party should not try to continue the conflict by means of character assassination.  Saying that I am not a team player because I forget to mention something that pertains to an unimportant (in the scheme of things) topic, will only create more resentment and dislike.  When getting one's way in a conflict, it is not wise to set the table for a future conflict that may a worse conflict.  I should think that a wise negotiator gives the other side something.  This way the deal can be mutually beneficial.  Otherwise, what is the incentive for the other side to make concessions?  Parting character assassinations, broad statements of supposed intent, or blanket statements of how they no longer care will not mend fences.

Conflict can lead to growth or destruction.  The participants have that choice to make.  Both sides have to be in agreement, otherwise it is simply surrender, unconditionally.  The victor's victory is usually short-lived, unless the loser is completely demoralized.  The demoralized party will sink to apathy and despair.  I know my history.  I chose this graphic because the victors of World War I simply laid the table for World War II.  WW2 was way worse.  The thing about history is that always repeats itself just with different players.  Human nature does not change.

I Guess Twitter Isn't a Total Dumpster Fire

Seen on Twitter:

Actually, my father did not really say this.  I'm sure he thinks it every day of his life.  I have written how I feel that I am the buffer between my kids and Sybil.  I often wonder if this how our kids see things, too.  So many times things are not clear about our childhood until we are adults.  I hope they understand.

As for any updates...

Sybil still likes to create drama, especially when things are not focused on herself.  Her new tactic is threaten divorce.  I think she hopes that I will start the process, so she will not have to be responsible.  In her mind she can say it was, literally, all of my fault.  I will resist.  It is very, very tempting, though.  I keep thinking about or 5 yo, God's plan, and vows I took.

Stay tuned.

I missed Haiku Sunday

Bitterness

Causes hatefulness

Let it go

Wife - Haiku

Antagnostic
Wonders why distant hubby
Resentful woman

Same Bat Time...Same Bat Channel

So...we are getting close to the crazy season...and Sybil is acting crazy.

For the last 4 out of 5 years (give or take), Sybil has concocted drama and refused to travel to visit my parents for Christmas.  One year it was because I did not immediately drop what I was doing and help her with a computer issue (I was actually working on a computer issue of my own).  This year, ironically, it is because she is tired of how my mother speaks to my father.

Father has been ill and Mother has to bear the brunt of taking care of, since my Brother and I are not close by.  I have spoken to Mother about toning down how she speaks to Father.  I have asked her to try to be patient with Father (she is the root cause of many of the issues I am grappling with...Freud was correct in some things).  We saw Mother and Father this past weekend, and Mother lost control and snapped at Father.  It was not bad, but naturally Sybil is looking for a way to isolate me from the family.  So, last night Sybil decided that she cannot tolerate Mother and her way of speaking to Father.  I was able to maintain a straight face.  I said that is her choice but I will be taking Son#3 so he can visit his grandparents.  Under no uncertain terms will she allow me to take him.  I said in that case I would just not go.

After sleeping on it, I told Sybil that I will be going to my parents' house, I would like everyone to come with me, and I would be sad if she did not come.  No reply.  We'll see.  I think her stubbornness will win out.  I am not sure how to approach it any differently.  As my parents are elderly (Son #3 came along when I was in my mid 40s), there is not much more time for them to be together.  Sybil just cannot stand for him to be in such a toxic environment, therefore he cannot go.

Stay tuned...

Blog update

I updated the theme on the ol' blog.  Sadly, I lost a lot of my links.  If anyone wants me to link to their page or another page, you can leave me a comment or send me an email.  Thanks.

Just a Day in the Life

So life with someone on the Cluster B (OCPD with a splash of narcissism) spectrum means that I am, effectively, a single parent on weekends.  Unless the family has something going on, Sybil, literally, does not leave our room as she works and works and works.  I don't even ask her to go to church anymore.  In the future I doubt that I'll even ask her to go to lunch.  Anyway, Son #3 (the 5 year old) and I had an enjoyable lunch.

It seems that Sybil's hierarchy is:

1. Work
2. Son #3 (5 years old)
3. Daughter (22 years old)
4. Son #1 (25 years old)
5. Son #2 (20 years old)
6. Me...maybe

Oh well...

Self-Awareness

Sybil came in possession of Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson, PhD.  It was written in 1981.  I have not started reading it, yet.  I am curious how it relates to other books I have read on that topic.

Sybil's "gift" has gotten me thinking about why she chose me to give that gift to?  Does she, on some level, know how difficult she is?  Does she realize how her treatment of me makes living with her a living hell?  Is she self-aware?  If the answer to any one of those questions is "yes", then that would make her evil.  To consciously continue acting the way she does and the treatment of me (and others) can only mean that she is diabolical and should be avoided.

On some of the forums, someone will post a question about whether or not the PD person is aware of how they are acting on some level.  I am no psychologist, but if they are aware, then they are evil.  That means their actions and treatment are, to some extent, planned.  Now, we all make mistakes.  This morning I was gathering towels in preparation of Daughter doing laundry.  Sybil had not finished using hers.  I did not know this and did not ask.  Since Sybil has strong OCPD tendencies with a heavy dose of NPD, she saw this as me just really caring about her.  My, mistakenly, gathering the towels was an evil act...in her mind.  She knows it was a mistake but her OCPD will not allow her to see it that way; it must have been a deliberate act.  I, purposefully, gathered the towels before she finished using hers because I do not love her.

Evil?

Anyway, in truth I do not think Sybil realizes how difficult she is to live with.  She gave me this book because my mother is difficult.  She was hoping I can learn how to cope with her.  I have: I moved across the state.  I may have to do that with Sybil.  Sybil cannot see the log her own eye but angrily points out the dust mote in mine.

Triggered

We need a minesweeper. There's too many triggers under the surface.

Well, I struggle to find time to do videos.  It is still something that I am noodling about.  For now, y'all will have to content yourself with the written word.  Personally, I like that better than a video anyway, but I'm a Gen Xer.

Beware...rambling post as I unpack stuff.

Triggers.

We've all got 'em, I guess.  Per PyschCentral an emotional trigger is:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

 I think that most of us have past traumas that never really healed.  For Sybil, her reaction to a trigger is the fault of the "offender" instead of realizing that, maybe, the other person did not mean to set her off.  Exhausting having to dodge mines that laying under the surface.  Naturally, this creates a daily drama.

I have slacked off on posting.  Not because the drama is less but because it wearisome.  Plus, I'm not sure how many want to read it.  We don't make any progress.  I find myself stuck in the same rut because I have end up saying the same things just so I can escape the conversation and get on with my life.  Literally, could post something everyday.  It is rare that a day goes by without some sort of manufactured drama.

I will say that anytime a person says that they are emotional and wear their emotions on their sleeve: run!  That is an indicator that their emotions control them rather that vice-versa.  A normal, mature person realizes that and takes that into account.  A child blames their emotional acting out on the person doing the triggering.

The fun begins when the conversation goes down a dark rabbit hole because the triggered cannot let it go.  When I explain (I am really trying to limit JADEing...I really am) why I said what I did, it does not good.  Sybil must keep going.  We have to dissect the simplest conversation until I am just trying to say the right words to escape not the just the conversation but also the room.

This is life with the disordered.  I am like a police negotiator trying to talk the jumper off the ledge.  All because Sybil becomes very triggered if she believes that she has been ignored, or marginalized.

Anyway, triggers.  Great fun.

Is this the way couples are?  Are they mired in this slog?  Are issues and slights never resolved?  Is the job of one to always try to correct the other?  Criticize?  I don't know anymore.  I am starting to believe I am that hostage that starts to empathize with his captors.

I try to NOT to put Sybil on a Profit/Loss sheet.  I try not make a listing of her good points and bad; I know that if I do, it will not end well.

Finding Joy in a Joyless World...er...Marriage

No one is responsible for my emotional state of mind but me.  I can only control myself.  

The above statement is setting me free.  I find that repeating it to my head really helps me focus on Joy.  From Merium-Webster:

I find it interesting that Sybil cannot find Joy.  Nothing is good enough for her.  This isn't just her approach to me, but also her approach to everyone and everything.  I think she gets more "joy" out of food than anything else (yes...she has really packed on some weight).  I stand back and examine her lack of joy.

People that are of a negative bent really suck the Joy out of life.  No one likes to be around them.  For me, my Joy is inversely proportional to the amount of time I spend with her.  I find myself having less anxiety and are more calm.  I have written extensively about how Sybil treats me and others her in this bog over the years.  Thankfully, I have had many commentors provide helpful insight and advice.  If not for these wonderful people, I might have been stuck an a morass of self-loathing.  My Stockholm Syndrome would have kept me in a perpetual state of self-defeat and self-blaming.

So...I am finding Joy.  I have had to swallow a bitter pill of realizing that I will not get Joy from Sybil.  Instead, I have Joy because of my kids.  I have Joy because my strawberry plants have strawberries, and I have Joy because the blueberry bush I thought was dead has now sprouted leaves.  These little things provide Joy in my life and a distraction from my marriage.

On another note, this blog has kind of run its course.  I will still be writing, but I will be starting vlogs from Youtube.  Stay tuned...

Survival Mode

Well, we're still together.  Naturally, not a day goes by (literally!) where Sybil does not find something to complain about me.  I cannot remember when the last time she made a positive comment.  At one point I told her that, if she wants a divorce, then she should just do it.  Quit messing around.  So far she has not.  I truly think that she is hoping to push me into divorcing her.  That way she can claim the high road.  Maybe I am too.

I have been putting off having a very painful conversation with Sybil about finances.  Frankly, our finances are in the toilet.  Our credit card balances really ballooned last year.  When pressed for an answer, Sybil cannot really give me one.  Ultimately, I feel that I have failed.  Realizing my weakness in regards to organization, I let Sybil deal with the household bills.  While she does do a better job of keeping us organized on paying bills, she really sucks at budgeting and discipline.  Sadly, I took the path of least resistance, and our finances have taken a hit.  I know that broaching this subject in a meaningful way will make Sybil feel blamed and cause her to lash out.  However, we cannot go on like this.

The event that really brought things into focus was a business seminar.  In the seminar one of the speakers was talking about budgeting.  From there he went into creating a system to make one become disciplined on spending.  It sounded good to me because it made perfect sense and seemed fairly simple.  Naturally, Sybil became mildly upset.  She told me that she was trying to get me to implement this system (she had not) a while ago and to make things more organized (fairly true).  Her system helps one with organizing bills by creating a spreadsheet that lists all of the things that need to be paid, when they need to be paid, and what their balance is.  It does nothing for budgeting.  It does not systematically change how things are done.  I know this to be true.  How do I know this? I know this to be true because of how our finances are today.  We have zero savings and nearly six figure credit card debt. 

Since Sybil cannot accept responsibility for anything, she blames me for the debt.  Now, the debt was from a horrible IRS audit.  We owed a lot in taxes, because our CPA was clueless and gave us bad advice.  That was EIGHT years ago.  Any debt that accumulated from that audit should have been paid off by now...if WE were disciplined.  Sadly, Sybil has used that audit as a metaphorical cudgel to bash me over the head.  She wanted to fire the CPA...not for incompetence...but because he spoke to her in a disrespectful manner.  I took the blame for the audit, and the financial stuff it caused because I felt that I should have known, somehow.  Looking back, that was a mistake.  She was at every single meeting with the CPA.  In that meeting every single time, all she would talk about was how much we are paying in taxes.  Since Sybil has the emotional age of 7, she does not see that, maybe, she has some role to play in that mess.

When I brought up the credit card issue, Sybil actually mentioned the audit from EIGHT years ago.  Mark Twain was right: denial isn't just a river in Egypt.  How can an event from EIGHT years ago cause our credit card debt to balloon up last year?  Since I do not see her making any changes to how she does things, I will have to.  I know that she will bring on the full court press of manipulation, shaming, guilt, etc.  I know that I will be painted as the bad guy for bringing order to chaos.  I will be surprised if we are still together at the end of the year. 

After the last blow up (I didn't write about it...basically it stemmed from me stating that I FEEL that she being a bully and "pounding on me"...she stormed out of the house threatening...wait for it...divorce), I know that things will get worse instead of better.  This brings me to point of the post: Survival Mode.  I have to realize a few things: Sybil cannot keep a house, does little cleaning, almost no cooking.  As for the office stuff, a lot of what Sybil does is "rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic".  It looks like she is really busy, but in reality she stays bogged down in tasks that could be delegated or done more easily.  By striving for 100% error free work, she gets very little done.  Therefore, I am starting to realize more and more that I need Sybil less and less.  I need little and want for less than I used to.  If she makes good on her threat, then I know I will come out the other side better off in many ways.  So sad.