The End is Nigh?

Well, as the title should reveal the end is nigh for Sybil and my marriage.  At least that is what she has said.  We really haven't spoken about our marriage (or anything else) in over a week.  She seems quite willing to go Hiroshima and nuke our family.  What prompted such a dramatic action?  That's what this blog is for: a web log of our dynamic.

Last weekend, my parents were in for the weekend to celebrate my birthday.  That Saturday morning Sybil and I had to run to the office before going to Largish City close by to Son #1 play trumpet.  Our plan was to bring my parents along, also.  Anyway, as we were driving back to the house to begin our journey, we came upon a guy jogging down the road.  The road we were on has no shoulder whatsoever.  He was on the road side of the white line.  I noticed that as we came closer there would be hill coming up and there was no way to know if another car would crest the hill in the opposite direction.  This posed a bit of a conundrum: how to get past the driver and deal with the hill and the possibility of oncoming traffic.  I mumbled, "crud" under my breath.  Sybil said, "What?!?"  It was not quite yelling but was, definitely, not conversation tone.  In the moment of stress (caused by both the jogger and Sybil's demeanor), I said, "What do mean 'What'?  Can't you see the jogger and the hill?  What if another car hit us head on as I'm trying to not hit the jogger?"  I'm sure my tone was...sharpish.  The words I used (and possibly tone) caused Sybil to get very angry.  She said I was rude to which I said that the words were not rude it may have sounded that way due to a moment of stress.  This continued for less than 5 minutes on the way to my house.

Meanwhile, my parents are anxious to go see their grandson.  As we pull up to the house, I see them and my other two children standing outside waiting for us.  By this time Sybil is in one of her rages.  She storms out of the car, doesn't say anything to anyone, and goes inside.  Judging by the raised eyebrows of my parents, I'd say they knew that something was up.  I go inside to try talking her down.

Inside the house, she starts yelling at me for my rude behavior.  Now she has decided that we can go without her.  Basically, being her normal self.  I say that I did not mean for my comment to be rude.  I apologize  for it, but it was said in a moment of stress.  Sybil doesn't care and continues to say it's too late. She's not going.  This ten minute "discussion" eats up valuable time.  Everyone is still outside wondering what is the deal.  I finally talk Sybil down enough to get her in the car.  We drive to Largish City just in time to miss the performance.

As we are standing there, I'm still not in a good state of mind and Sybil is not in a good state of mind.  We kind of stand there looking at each other and elsewhere not saying anything to each other.  I'm thinking I've apologized and everything should be good.  Later, I will find out how wrong I was.  Anyway, Sybil wonders off to look at some shops are located in the area.  My parents and other kids wonder off to do their thing.  I'm left standing there by myself.

On the way home, I have to get fuel.  Our car is a diesel and requires a certain kind of diesel that was hard to get, when we first purchased the car.  However, that was five years ago.  Everywhere has the correct diesel.  I pull into a certain gas station that we had a problem getting diesel before.  Sybil starts yelling at me (in front of my parents and other 2 kids) to go to the one across the street.  I calmly explain that the placard indicates the correct diesel is sold there now.  Sybil is not having it.  We MUST continue to gas station across the street.  Finally, I say fine we'll go.  Sybil says that she told me before ever turning in to go to the other one but I didn't listen (that is possible...more likely she wasn't making herself clear).  Finally, we get the correct diesel and go home.  Sybil promptly marches to her room without a word to anyone.  My parents are wondering what just happened.  Very uncomfortable for me.

Finally, everyone goes to bed to conclude my parents visit.  They ask us not to try to get up to see them off.  They planned to leave very early.  I say good night and safe trip.  I go to bed.  Sybil is still awake.  I say that I am not happy with how she acted in front of my parents.  She really showed her "ass".  Instead of feeling remorse or anything, she says that she is tired of the act.  She pointed out that I have done the same before in front of her family.  I guess this excuses her behavior.  To tell the truth, we have had two blow-ups in front of her family.  I did apologize to her at the end (to date she has never apologized for her actions in front of my family).  We begin our long conversation (it takes over two hours).  Sybil contends that I was being abusive in the car, when I made the rude comment about the jogger and the hill.  I acted like an "asshole".  (Aside: I guess verbal abuse only means anything but name calling).  I was a jerk for not talking after we arrived at the Largish City.  It's my fault things escalated to the boiling point.  I should have listened better about the fuel.    We, finally, go to sleep sometime after 1:00 am.

The next day we have a five hour long continuation from the night before.  We had made plans to do some work at the office and run some errands, but these plans had to be delayed to have our talk.  In the car ride to Large Office Supply Box Store, Sybil continues the conversation.  By my count, the conversation lasted about twelve hours total.  In the Large Office Supply Box Store parking lot, we are still at it.  I'm trying to diffuse the situation, but Sybil is not having it.  Finally, she says that she doesn't think we should go on.  I say to her to be careful of starting down that path.  I tell her that starting down that path there will be no return.  She continues saying that it is pointless to continue the marriage.

This took place over a week ago.  While Sybil has not come out and said she wants a divorce, she hasn't come out and said anything is ok.  For my part, I'm feeling kind of numb about it.  When I weigh the pros and cons of divorce, I can say that the cons of staying together outweigh the pros.  Sybil has many negatives.  However, she is the mother of children and I made a promise.  Those are the two things that are keeping me here.  If she demanded a divorce and asked me to move out, I already have planned on what to take.  It amounts to very little.

Temptation

I felt moved to post another thought/situation. For those that are keeping up with this blog (both of you...eh eh), you know that Sybil's and my marriage is contentious to say the least. It has not been easy.

I have been grappling with temptation. What causes temptation? Does temptation just spring up out of nowhere, or is it nurtured and allowed to grow? We are all tempted in our lives. It is how we deal with the temptation that defines our character. Jesus was tested for 40 days and nights even with kingdoms of the earth. He prevailed. Humans, however, are not the son of God. We often times fail our tests with temptation.

What is my temptation? With the power of the internet, I have been able to track down an ex-girlfriend. I have not spoken to nor even seen her in 20 years. Using a social website, I was able to see a picture of her and her husband. She looks happy, and I am happy for her. However, the pangs of "what may have been" remain. That is my real problem. It isn't that I want to radically alter my life and hers by reaching out and contacting her. What is really going on is my disillusionment of my own life. I have chronicled it here.

As I have noodled this temptation in my mind, I came to the realization that I created my life. I can complain about Sybil and my predicament. However, I am solely responsible. I could have altered things between Sybil and me a long time ago. I didn't for various reasons (excuses?). Sybil and I are not in a good place. This leaves us open to temptation.

Another Post

I felt the need to post...so that's what I'm doing. Just a quickie update.

Things with Sybil are ok. Not great but not awful either. I guess I have come to terms with my lot in life.

Marriage is definitely difficult. I won't lie and say I'm easy to live with either. However, I've learned things about Sybil over the last 18 years that I didn't know, when we were dating. Kind of a bait and switch, really.

Ultimately, it's about control. Sybil loves to be in control (ironically, she hates making decisions, though). Case in point: we were at the Post Office early one morning to mail some packages. There are a couple of cars in the parking lot. As I was about to back up to leave our parking space, Sybil starts fussing about my plan to back out of the space. Why not pull forward and loop around? That's so much easier. Well, not really, but Sybil hates putting the car in reverse. That discomfort was transferred to me. Therefore, she nags at me about not backing out of the space.

Back when I was enamored with Sybil, that would have seemed like an isolated incident. Now I know her oh so well. It ties in beautifully with my last post about control. The problem is that I truly don't understand the need to critique everything I do. It's tiring.

See, the thing is I hate being controlled. I hate being told what I can and cannot do. I bristle at authority. Therefore, the thing with Sybil's need for control in all aspects really creates a lot of tension for me. It causes me to act out in ways that may be self-destructive. For example, Sybil's need to control our sex life. She has the need to control how it is done. I've taken to controlling the when. I know it's passive-aggressive. However, I've spoken to her on more than one occasion. Sadly, her selfishness can't see beyond her needs and into mine. So I don't try as much. It's isn't exciting. I used to try different methods, positions, etc. only to be rebuffed. So what's the point?

Quick update

Yep...I'm still alive and well. Things are coasting along. I am writing for myself, as always. My readership has dwindled to nothing. That's ok, because this blog was in the real sense a web log. I am logging my relationship with Sybil. My lack of posting has nothing to do with some big time breakthrough in our marriage. Nope. I just got tired of writing the same stuff. I'm coming to the end of the road.

But...I've got a little time, and I wanted to blog what happened earlier today. I'm always amazed at the ability people have to rationalize stuff. We all do it. All of us. We never seem to realize that we are doing it, either. Just today Sybil did it. She was talking about this woman we know. She has 4 kids from 2 different fathers, debt up to her ears, can't pay her rent, car has died, and divorced (again). However, she managed to find a guy to not only give her a car free and clear, but also pay her rent for the year. I made the remark of a sexual quid pro quo (involving her performing oral sex on him). Her only remark: "If you had played your cards right, you would be getting a bj too." Nice. Sex as a weapon. Nothing like trying to manipulate someone into doing your bidding. I don't think she saw how she sunk herself to that woman's level. The only difference is that Sybil chooses to use negative reinforcement, instead of positive reinforcement. The other woman is getting a free car and her rent paid. Sybil is getting my ire and resentment. Who is smarter? One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It's that kind of thing that has worn me down. Eighteen years of it. Nothing like being made to feel like a puppet on the end of the string. Naturally, if all I do is what she wants, she isn't happy with that either. Doing so means that I am not thinking for myself.

Seething Resentment

Sybil and I are coming up on 18 years of marriage. These days, that is an accomplishment. I am always wondering how other couples deal with past hurts both big and small. Do they forgive and forget, or do they use the hurt as a bludgeon? Do they use these mistakes as a way to win the argument, or are the mistakes brought up as a way to show a pattern of behavior? Or is this bludgeon a way to change the other's behavior?

I don't have the answer to those questions.

In this blog, I have written about Sybil's behavior. I have not posted even half of the stuff that goes on. "Mommy Dearest" comes to mind. Very similar behavior at times. At other times, she is nothing like that, hence the moniker of Sybil.

My question in this post is about the statute of limitations. I will be the first to say that I have made two huge errors in my marriage. They both were business decisions that were extraordinarily bad. One sprang from my pride, and one sprang from my not wanting to "upset the apple cart". I'm not talking about infidelity or anything that big. No, I am talking about two times that I failed to listen to Sybil and got bitten for it. I have admitted to my poor decisions. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that has been done. I cannot. I can only move forward and try to learn from them.

So what is the statute of limitations? When am I off of probation? Whenever a disagreement comes about, Sybil uses these two issues to undermine my position. Her resentment and even anger towards me is palpable, yet despite my best efforts, she will not forgive me. She says she does, but why bring these issues up at every turn? That tells me that she does not forgive me.

Between these decisions and Sybil's demeanor towards me, my self-confidence is at an all time low. Sybil has always questioned everything I have done and sought ways to control my behavior (I don't say the right thing, don't act the right way, etc.). With new ammunition, she is able to step up the assault on me. If she resents me so much, why not just do us both a favor and leave? Stubbornness. Sybil is stubborn (in fairness, I am stubborn also). Leaving would admit defeat. That cannot happen.

Although Sybil feels that everything wrong in her life is because of me, she will have to be the one to get over it. I cannot make her. She will have to be the one to either "fish or cut bait". Either way the resentment will end.

I'm Not the Only One

I read this post at The Good Men Project. It fits a lot of what I see/feel. I was such a laid back kind of guy. Sybil knows how to punch my buttons.

It's amazing how she complains about my lack of confidence, yet does everything in her power to make sure I'm torn down. A good example of a "death by a thousand papercuts": called to bring her lunch (it was lunch time, and she was at the office on Saturday). I had gotten up at 5AM to work at a charity event from 6AM to 12 PM. I called her to ask what she wanted, I bought her lunch, I brought the lunch to her, and she complained that I didn't get her fries (the same Sybil that complains about her weight). She didn't appreciate my efforts in caring about what she wants. I really don't care about this incident, because this is typical Sybil. I use it to illustrate how nearly 18 years of this and worse wears the other person down.

I have two choices: quit trying or quit caring. Since it's obvious that Sybil is a complete bitch and always has been, I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed.

I'm an Ol' Meanie

"You're so MEAN!!," yelled Sybil.

I had just turned off the TV and turned towards her as I prepared to go to sleep. It was late (~11:30 pm), and I had to get up early. Sybil had gone to bed around 7:30 due to a bad headache (combination of staying up too late the night before and stress at the office). When I came to bed around 10:00, she was sound asleep. I watched a little TV before going to sleep.

At one point Sybil awoke and asked, "What time is it?"

"Around 11:30," I answered.

"AM or PM?"

"PM."

At this point, I thought Sybil was asleep: she asked an obviously stupid question (it was pitch black in our bedroom) and had gone silent. Imagine my surprise, when she yelled, "You're so MEAN!!"

WTF?!?!? I literally jumped out of bed. I was almost asleep, and her exclamation was so surprising I reacted by nearly jumping out of my skin.

Since I turned off the TV and turned towards in preparation to go to sleep without asking about her headache, I just do not care. I only care about myself. I defended myself that she seemed about to go to sleep judging by her reaction and her inability ascertain whether or not it is PM or AM. Nope. I. Just. Do. Not. Care.

After that tiff, she might be on to something. I just about do not care. If it were not for the kids, I would be out of here. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me here. Sybil has created a home life that is just unbearable. It's not that I don't care about Sybil's well-being. I just don't care about the abuse.

I must maintain for the kids' sake. I am just an Average Married Chump.

Was: The Walkabout Continues

This is what I intended to write about

I have been away reading various blogs on what women want. I am familiar with the mainstream version: women want a nice guy that will listen to them and treat them special. This makes for a "Princess on a Pedestal". I have noticed a running theme in today's culture that says women are, somehow, superior to men. I see it in TV shows, movies, on the news, etc.

Now, the blogs I am reading are ones that run counter to what is in pop-culture. These blogs deal with doing exactly the opposite of what a woman tells you they want. Ideas are boiled down to "Alpha" behavior verses "Beta" behavior. Our culture says women want a Beta provider to take care of them, yet what men see are Alpha males getting the women.

Beta males are the providers. These men get up early and go to bed late. They work hard and die young. They see themselves as the provider for the family. They try to do what they're wives/girlfriends ask at all times. Obviously, the vast majority of men are in this category. Think of them as the steady, wage earner. Kind of dull but consistent and steady.

Alpha males are the "bad boys". They are only out for themselves and whatever they can get from others. They tend to treat women as objects and have a misogynistic streak. He would never treat a woman as the most important thing in his life. As a matter of fact, he expects the woman to treat him as the most important thing. He is not interested in a family life.

The idea that women are attracted to the Bad Boy is nothing new. I wish I had a nickel for every woman that said she wished she could find a nice guy, yet this same woman kept going after the Bad Boy. These women never seemed to be self-aware enough to realize they are responsible for the Bad Boy. Men are simple creatures. However, men are not stupid. If men start seeing that what women really want is a Bad Boy to move them, then that is what they will become.

Well, I'm not really in the mood. Yes, I've been traipsing around the "manosphere" with its men's rights. Too many times it seems too jaded. No, instead I'll talk about my favorite subject: Sybil and our Co-Dependent Marriage.

I'm really tired of being married right now. It is too hard. It is too hard being told that being decisive means I don't listen to her opinions. It's too hard being told that I'm not decisive enough. It's too hard having the feeling of Charlie Brown trying to kick that football only to have it pulled away. It's too hard having strict boundaries in the bedroom.

I think I could put up with a lot of Sybil's BS, if the bedroom stuff was ok. Type A, control freaks never shut that aspect of their personality off. It defines who they are. That aspect makes for a difficult living arrangement. They feel the need to ALWAYS be in control no matter the situation. Not only must they be in control but others around them must accept their control. If others do not, then they are selfish people. Sadly, these controlling people never see themselves as the actual narcissus. They never see that their mentality leaves no room for other's opinions or feelings.

The Ideal Parent

Amy Chua wrote this article in the Wall Street Journal about the supremacy of a Chinese upbringing. In it she describes her parenting style, and it being an anathema to Western thought. She compares and contrasts Chinese moms to Western moms. Since Sybil is Chinese (immigrated from Hong Kong when she was 7), I'll chime in, also.

Ms. Chua has a point about the positives of how Chinese moms parent. They are much more strict and take less B.S. than their Western counterparts. Sybil is a perfectionist, which goes along with the Chinese stereotype. She expects her children to as perfect as possible. Of her siblings, she is the least successful: oldest brother is a physician, second oldest is an aeronautical engineer, third oldest is an electrical engineer, older sister is a pharmacist, and younger brother is a pharmacist. Sybil by contrast was a stay-at-home-mom until our youngest was old enough to go to school. Now she helps me in my business. I have seen first hand how a Chinese mom can be. In a word, they are tyrants.

That does not mean that Chinese moms do not love their children. They express their desire to have the best for their children by trying to mold them into being the best. Chinese women have a control freakishness about them that is surprising. The stereotypical Chinese woman is subservient to her husband. That may be true in movies. I have never seen it. Not her mother nor her sister. This need to control extends to their children. Couple that need to status (having "face"), and that is can be a bad mixture.

This mixture makes Chinese people great employees. You want a software written without bugs? Get a Chinese person to do it. You want a doctor to operate on you? Get a Chinese person to do it. You get the drift. Sadly, this form of upbringing makes for poor entrepreneurs. The perfectionist, play-it-safe upbringing makes for a terrible skill set for striking out on one's own. The fear of failure and, therefore, loss of face is too great. A Chinese upbringing makes for too much emphasis to be placed on getting the right credentials and not developing a skill set.

What skills are needed? In my opinion, the ones listed below:
1. Self-esteem. To start a business or move up in the corporate ladder one needs self-esteem. Being a worker bee trapped in a cubicle, while safe, is a soul-sucking existence.
2. Networking. Controlling the types of people one's children come in contact with, leaves that person in a poor position to be able to relate to others. Many Chinese people have a hard time relating to non-Chinese people.

3. Broad knowledge. Thinking that one has the right credentials guarantees life long income and comfort is wrong headed. As the economy changes, getting more credentials only means one becomes more and more specialized. The more specialized one becomes the less able to adapt to change. Also, credentialism has little to do with intelligence or knowledge.

What happens to these Chinese kids in the real world? They've gone to be best universities and have seemingly successful careers, yet they are "socially autistic". They become disillusioned with their life's path, which leads to bitterness.

I think life has to be a balancing act. Only focusing on getting "A's" in school, being the best in piano, etc. with nothing else to make one a well-rounded person makes for a sad, shallow existence. Life is a challenge. Being so caught up being the best, creates more stress and challenges.

I'm Not Dead

Sorry for the dearth of posts. It seems that as a blog ages, the posts become less frequent.

Things with Sybil and me are pretty good right now. It comes down to acceptance. She is starting to accept my faults, instead of trying to change them. I'm starting to accept the fact that this is as good as it gets. With the exception of her over the top, exaggerated histrionics, she's a pretty decent wife. Naturally, I wish the sex was better. I guess vanilla ice cream is better than no ice cream.

After over 17 years of marriage, it boils down to love. What is love, though? It isn't that tingly feeling that one gets. It is much calmer. Although I wish the lust portion of our marriage was better, I think we are more in love now than we have been in a long time. We still have a our blow-ups, but she is more calmer. I think Sybil decided to make peace with me. I think I have decided to make peace with her. That is the key to it.

People spend so much of their time being resentful that it becomes like a virus. When a virus infects a cell, it takes over the machinery of the cell. The cell starts producing more viruses that are spread to more cells and so on. Stopping the process of resentment infection can be very difficult. Forgiving someone for a slight (either real or perceived) is very key. Oh sure we can say, "I forgive you," but until that is in one's heart, it's meaningless. Many people have resentment towards their spouse and can't let it go. This leads to divorce which is very destructive on so many levels. That destruction can be staved off by forgiveness. Sounds so simple, yet it is so hard.

That's why I haven't been posting much. Sybil and I have come to a consensus. This blog was about my struggles with Sybil. Since we haven't been struggling as much, I don't have as much to post about. I will be posting, periodically. The focus will, probably, change to other topics. Topics that I have been thinking about as far as marriage in general, rather than focusing on my marriage only.

Thanks for reading this pitiful wretch's blog. Life is a struggle. We must always endeavor to persevere.

New Horizon or SSDD*?

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":

1. Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
   
2. Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
   
3. On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
4. Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
   
5. Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."

Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.


*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.

This Sums It All Up

Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. His Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.

On That Road to Hell...Redux

Well, I haven't posted a good fight between Sybil and me in awhile. This one is a doozy. I had to look up a fight that was similar to this one.

It all happened Saturday. Sybil asked me to install a special type of thermostat at the office. It automatically changes from heat to cool depending on the settings. Now, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I know it will take me awhile. Since there are two, I know it will take me awhile longer for two (although the second one was easier). While I'm trying to figure this out and install it correctly, Sybil sent me a text message. Since I'm deep in thought and really wanting to get the project done as quickly and efficiently as possible, I ignore the text. Sybil decides to call me. I had to stop everything and answer the phone. Apparently, I sounded irritated (which I was). This adds to up to a big no-no.

Later that night, my parents, Sybil, and I are in the living room talking. She wanted to know, if the thermostat in the house was same as the living room. I answered, "Yes". It wasn't, but the setup was the same. That is what I was trying to say, but I totally botched it. My father and I continued to talk about thermostats. Then I said, "No" to it being the same. Not realizing that I had contradicted myself. This was the final straw. As everyone drifted to bed, I noticed Sybil acting withdrawn. I thought, "WTF did I do THIS time?"

I let Sybil go to bed. I waited about 45 minutes (I was pretty steamed). I went to the bedroom. Now it is on. I kept asking Sybil what the problem was. She kept saying "Wow" like it was so obvious. Everytime I asked she said "Wow!" This went on for a long time. I was racking my brain about the conversation. She kept saying it had to do with what I said. "WTF," I thought. I went through the topics of conversation. Finally, I landed on the right one: the thermostat. Apparently, I lied to her about the thermostat, when she asked me about it. I told her one thing and told my father something else. Now, Sybil is in full victim mode: no one listens to her, no one cares about her, she is nothing but a "hole", she will just sleep on the floor because she is beneath me.

I apologized for my inconsistent answer. Profusely. I didn't mean to give inconsistent answers, but I did not lie. Why would I? Besides a lie has to do with intent: intentionally trying to mislead someone. I did not do that. I admitted to giving her a dumb answer but I did not lie. In giving her this answer, I revealed that I don't care about her. Sybil is nothing but a "hole" to me. I kept trying to reassure her that was not the case. I apologized many times.

Then Sybil brings up the texting thing. Whenever I hear my phone, I should check it no matter what I'm doing. Now, we have had discussions before about the proper role of texting: it is used for communication when one knows that the other party is busy. If the topic is more pressing, then one calls. Sybil says, "What if I had a wreck and I was bleeding profusely? You wouldn't know because you wouldn't answer your text." Huh? I answered that is pretty stupid because if someone is bleeding profusely, then I would expect a phone call. Saturday night conversation ended with Sybil sleeping on the floor and me sleeping in the bed.

Sunday morning comes along. I try to restart the conversation. Again, I am met with how I am a liar and don't care. Again, Sybil brings up the texting thing. Again, I apologize profusely. She refuses to accept it. She's heard it all before. She knows it is empty words. I don't think, I don't care about her, etc.

Since that day, Sybil has not worn her ring. She has a nice white mark there where it was. Right now, I don't even care. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the resentment. I'm tired of having to watch every little thing I do. I'm tired of Sybil's constant criticism. What I did was stupid, but it does not rise to this level of drama! I didn't go out bar hopping without permission, I did not sleep with another person, I did not hit her, I did not do anything except make a stupid comment. Period. If she wants to take ring off as a symbol of divorce. Fine. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm ok with her divorcing me. If I am such a terrible husband, then she should leave.

So I'm on that Road to Hell...again.

I'm Not Dead

But I am not really feeling alive. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'm definitely in a funk. I'm not sure why. Probably stress. Living with Sybil, work, and kids make for a lot of stress.

I wish I could say my lack of posting means that Sybil and I had some sort of break through. Alas, it is more of the same. After nearly 17 years of marriage, we seem to be moving from romantic love towards agape love. Maybe that will be much deeper and satisfying? Sadly, all I want to do in bed is sleep.

Is this how affairs happen? When someone says, "I didn't mean for this to happen," are they in the same mental state as I? I've never believed that whole excuse. I will not be having an affair. The whole idea of having an affair is repugnant to me. The lingering pain that would cause is too much. Affairs are self-centered acts. Marriage is supposed to self-less. That being said, I do have more empathy for those that stray. The feeling of plodding along through life is a weight that is bearing down upon me.

Yup!

Denial Isn't Just a River in Egypt

Denial is a subversive thing. One never knows one is denial. We all have aspects in our lives that we subconsciously turn a blind eye.

I've been living with an abuser for over 16 years. There, I said it. I don't mean in a physical sense but a verbal and psychological sense. Years of yelling and constant criticism have taken their toll. The affects are insidious. Kind of a frog in boiling water kind of thing. It's amazing really. It has only been recently that I've noticed its effects on me: I've taken on the negative attributes of Sybil.

In an epiphany after one of our numerous spats, it came to me. I have, unwittingly, started to act like Sybil. I've developed an extremely short fuse; I've started trying to shout down any opposition; I've started to shift the blame to others; I've become ultra-defensive. I used to be such a laid back person. Sadly, I've noticed a change in my behavior. I've noticed an ugliness about me that smacks of Sybil.

I've been in denial about this for a long time. I won't go into details about what brought everything into focus. It was my response during one of our numerous, stupid arguments. Sybil started yelling at me; I retaliated by yelling at her; it ended with my yelling, "Whatever!", which brought the argument to an end. That was 10 days ago. Sybil is acting distant. I wish she could see that her way of going into an argument ratchets up the emotional response from me. I've tried to bring this to her attention, but she always blames me for her reaction. Typical for an abuser. Abusers never take responsibility for the abuse they dish out. If only the abusee would stop doing ______, the abuser would not have to react that way.

Not only has years of abuse changed my behavior in these situations, but also it has affected my self-esteem. Only now I am coming to realize that years of putting up with being made to feel inferior by constant criticism and verbal abuse has really taken its toll on my self-image. In this struggle, I have to maintain my self. I must rely upon my inner strength to keep going.

Denial is at an end. Like many victims of abuse, I defended Sybil in my mind. If only I hadn't done ______ or had done ______, then everything would have been great. The only problem is I'm not perfect. I know I am a hopelessly flawed person. EVERYONE is, though. Until a few years ago, I have always been able to forgive Sybil and move on. Within those dark times, I held anger and resentment towards Sybil. These emotions were brought on by Sybil's attacks. When I had my epiphany, I realized that I will never be able to be that happy, self-confident person again unless I forgive Sybil. Sybil is hopelessly flawed. I must be able to forgive her and not give into my baser instincts of lashing out. I must take the high road no matter what happens.

I don't know what the future will hold for Sybil and me. Divorce? Reconciliation? Status quo? Two strangers living together? All I know is that I must regain my self.

Later,
Aphron

That Third Option is Almost Here

I'll bet that within my lifetime sexbots will be available. This article about one such 'bot tells me that we are getting closer. It won't be long now. It will be the death of human race.

For men, we can have someone to satisfy our physical pleasures and not hear: "whether this dress makes me look fat." We can focus on our favorite sport without being made to feel guilty for focusing on something besides the female in our lives for three to six hours a week. Since most women under the age of 40 can't cook anyhow, we can either continue feeding ourselves or we can program our 'bot to do it for us. There is no downside.

For women, a sexbot will be the perfect answer. It will be able to last as long as needed. It is always a captivated audience. The 'bot won't complain about have to sit through another episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." It love you no matter what dress size your wear. The toilet seat will remain exactly how you left it.

I predict, with the advent of these wonderful humanoids, we will see birth rates drop, marriage rates drop and divorce rates will increase. Within a 100 years, the human race will be no more.

Housekeeping

Well, my blogging is way down...kind of like my libido.

We survived the trip to the beach for Thanksgiving. We survived the holidays, although I've learned that too much together time with Sybil is not a good thing. That doesn't bode well for retirement.

Who's seen the the new law in France would ban psychological violence. What is that, exactly? Seems rather open ended. If that law were passed here, could I bring Sybil up on charges? Since women love arguments and wade into controversy much easier than men, I would think that women would be against this law.

I've come to discover that Desperate Housewives is a guilty pleasure. Since the show is basically written by some woman hater, it shouldn't come as any great surprise. Each of the female characters is a caricature of all that is wrong with the "fairer sex".

Right now, I don't like women very much. I could never be gay, so I'm hoping for a third option.

Five Go Out; Four Come Back

Well, we plan on going to the beach this year for Thanksgiving. Not only are we going to the beach, but also we are camping...in a tent.

I wish I could tell you that I am REALLY looking forward to it, but I cannot. I'm not looking forward to the 6-7 hour drive to get there. I'm not looking forward to setting up our campsite in the dark (Sybil wants the kids to go to their half day of school). I'm not looking forward to spending the weekend with Sybil.

Don't get me wrong; I love to camp. I love the primitive nature of shedding the stress of the office and slowing down. When we went to this particular place a couple of years ago, it was a lot of fun. The weather was great. The bright spot is we always go with our friends of ~15 years. They can act as our referee.

Hours in a car; sleeping in a tent; what could go wrong?

Keep me in your prayers.

Later,

Aphron

We Don't Live in North Carolina:

From This Website:

Grocery Store | Greensboro, NC, USA

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

The process of "de-balling" is slow and inexorable.

Later,

Aphron

Wow! Another Post

Another post in the same month. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Resentment is what's ricocheting in my head right now. Pure, evil resentment. Resentment is an amazing thing. It is a very sneaky bugger. One doesn't know about one's suffering from it until one has a full-blown case of it. It has many causes but the end result is the same: anger. Sadly, I think this phenomenon is the root cause for discord in a marriage.

Resentment can make one seem childish. How to deal with resentment? How does one let go of the poison in one's system? I stand (actually, sit in front of my screen) as one that suffers from this calamity. As one that suffers from it, I, alone, can solve it. In theory, it is very simple. Confront the reason for my resentment. In my case, it is Sybil.

As an illustration, let me offer an example of the cause of resentment. As I was helping daughter with learning the states and capitals in the Pacific time zone last night, Sybil thought of a different way of doing it. I will admit to her way being simpler than mine. Let us say that I was "over engineering" the solution. When Sybil saw what my solution was, her response was to call me "Idiot".

Verbal abuse? To be sure. How did I deal with it? I didn't. Why? In times past I have confronted Sybil in these situations. She likes to hurl what I've called "verbal hand grenades". By lobbing these hand grenades, Sybil had blithely toss them and run, figuratively speaking. The defense she offers up is "well, you were acting like an idiot" or "you frustrated me with how you did it". As she uses these excuses, I ask her, "if our kids called another an idiot for whatever reason, would that be ok with you?" Her response is to still continue to blame me for her bad behavior.

This leads to resentment. Sybil does not offer an apology. Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind. She does not see the long term effect this would cause someone. Multiply this sort of thing by 16 years, and one sees what I mean. This is just one little thing (sticks and stones kind of thing). Add that product to years of sexual suffocation and the end result is not pretty.

What is the answer? If I were not a Christian and more narcissistic, I would leave Sybil. That is not off of the table. Sadly, she is too intertwined in my professional life. Not mention the three ankle biters I have living with me. I guess I'll continue to blog about my personal problems. I guess I haven't, totally, vented my spleen.

Later,
Aphron

A New Post at Last

Before I begin, let me just say that I have not been a good blogger.

I have thoughts of stopping blogging all together. I started "Foolish Mutterings" as a kind of catharsis for the frustrations inside my marriage. While I have not REALLY solved many of the frustrations inside my marriage, I have learned to cope better with Sybil. This blog has helped with that coping mechanism. By typing all many of the goings on over the past few years, a kind of therapeutic effect has occurred.

We all make choices in our lives. We have to live with those choices (unless you're AIG). I chose to marry and reproduce with Sybil. Actually, I chose to reproduce and marry Sybil. Being the honorable person that I am, I "did the right thing". Two more kids later, I am still "doing the right thing". Like many on my blogroll, I am in a less than ideal situation. But...who is? No one. We are given choices, we make decisions on those choices, and we make the best of things. That is what I have done.

My lack of posting has more to do with losing interest in typing the same thing over and over. I love chocolate cake, but I don't want it every day for every meal. As much enjoyment I get out of "venting my spleen", I have learned that this oral masturbation is less than satisfactory. Like sexual masturbation, it may help fill a need, but it only dampens the appetite not satisfying it. Therefore, I have less enthusiasm about posting. Even blogging in general.

Instead, I've tried to focus on real resolution of my problems with Sybil. It's hard. If Sybil had her own blog (she may; I don't know), she would be writing about how difficult living with me is. That is the way of marriage. Eventually, one has two choices: accept the person and try to love him/her OR leave. I have come to realize that I could never leave Sybil. I may be a lot of things, but disloyal I am not. I still subscribe to romantic notions of honor and loyalty. Leaving Sybil would be terribly dishonorable for me. Although there are times... I feel that I am destined to be with Sybil. Also, there are three other people that need me to be there. I can't abandon them. Lastly, things between Sybil and me are improving, but it took a health scare to really bring it home. Everything is ok, but I'll post on that at a later time.

All of this has been rattling around in my little head. I will still post on occasion, and I'm sure my readership is down drastically. However, I just don't feel the compulsion anymore. I just don't feel the need to bare my heart here like I did. I guess I feel that I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

Sadly, I've not written about love. Where is love in all of this? I do love Sybil, but it is not the hot, romantic love we had years ago. I guess this is normal for couples. Things cool down due to little resentments and annoyances that have occurred over the years. It's hard to be hot and bothered about someone, when that person was a bitch/bastard earlier today. It's hard to be let down, sexually, speaking time and again. Love becomes something different. This love burns slowly and warmly, but this love does not consume. That elderly couple that has been together for 50 years are probably no different that Sybil and me.

Well, I'll wrap up this rambling post now. There, are you happy FTN? Heh, I may be posting more to noodle out other thoughts rattling around in that space above my neck.

Later,
Aphron

Hello,,,Is Anybody There?

Yes, I'm alive. Just not a lot going on. Sybil and I are in a pretty good place. We have learned how to communicate with each other better. I mean it only took 16 years. That's not to say we don't have our disagreements; we do. It just means they aren't quite to the same level of vitriol as they once were. Yes, she still is a drama queen. Her drama doesn't send me around the bend like it used to do.

Physically speaking, things are about the same. Like many of the blogs I read, we suffer from differing views of what we want. Sybil erected walls that I cannot scale, and boundaries I cannot cross. No amount of communication will ever change that. When I read other blogs, I am grateful to be having sex. Sadly, I am human and always want more than I have. Ratcheting down my wants has seemed to do the trick. Kind of sad, but that is the state of my "affairs".

Although we tend to have our disagreements and have differing sexual "appetities", we have come to realize that we have a pretty good thing going. We, also, have to come realize that we will never be perfect, and we will never have a perfect marriage.

A Snapshot in Time

I love the ability to stay connected with Sybil.  For us to be able to
communicate with each other at the drop of a hat.
Today's communication in action is seen below.  This is pasted from our
Blackberry Messenger chat.

Aphron: Whatcha want?
Sybil: Moo shee? Wat u want?
Aphron: Sho. 
Aphron: Bout (daughter)?
Sybil: Watz tat?
Aphron: Wut duz (daughter) want?
Aphron: Um, hello. Anyone there?
Sybil: If u want, order 2 go 
Aphron: K. 
{At this point Sybil calls me to let me know
I didn't read the message about what daughter wants}
Sybil: Y did u hang up on me?>:O 
Aphron: Ordering. 
Sybil: I sed 2 order pork fried rice 2!
Aphron: Oops. I guess I was rude. 
Aphron: Sorry. 
Sybil: R u getting mesgs!
Aphron: Now. 
Aphron: What does she want. 
Sybil: Huh?
Aphron: Nuttin. Ordering: gen chick, dump, phat nood
with chick,mu shu pork,  2 chick soup, pork fried rice. 
Sybil: R u getting any mesgs?
Aphron: I got this one
Sybil: Wat r u doing wrong?
Sybil: >:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: Dunno. Y r u so angry?  
Aphron: :( :( :( 
Sybil: Don't lik 2 b ignored! DUH!>:O >:O >:O 
Sybil: & CUT OFF!!!>:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: I'm not ignoring. I didn't get a message. :( :( :( 
Aphron: I did cut off. I apologize. 
Sybil: Sur! Tats always ur excuse! ITS OLD!!!
Aphron: Well, how is it my fault that I missed a message?
Sybil: U didn't mis mesg! U got it & deleted it! But
I hav poof!!!
Sybil: Fat Noodle & soup I ges
Aphron: What?  I deleted it?  Why would I delete it?
Sybil: 2 hide ur meanus! U not very brite! Hahahahhah
Aphron: What is a 'meanus'?  Is that me anus?
Sybil: =D no u r so gross, meanus=meanness! Get ur hed out
o guttr!  Yuk:& 
Aphron: Oh...meanness. Well, you got me. I like to ignore u
because I can'tbe truly happy unless you are angry.
I'm masochistic like that. 

Busted!

I admit it. I was busted yesterday. Sybil and I were eating lunch talking about the day's happenings. Since we were seated with a view looking directly at the front door, we could see every one as they entered the restaurant.

A reasonably attractive, young woman walked in with her boyfriend/significant other. What was noticeable was that her top was low cut with a "V". Apparently, as we talked my eyes followed her to her seat. Sybil noticed this and made a comment. Now, I do not remember thinking unclean thoughts. I did remember thinking that she was reasonably attractive, with a shorter, goofy looking guy, and her hair was similar in cut to the restaurant owner's wife.

When Sybil made her comment, I, jokingly, remarked, "Yeah, but I'll be going home with you." Well, Sybil did not find that funny. She asked what I was thinking as the woman moved towards her seat, because I couldn't complete a sentence. At that time, I could not remember. I still thought it was no big deal (forgetting that EVERYTHING is a big deal to Sybil). Finally, I said something about the similarity of the hair. Sybil rolled her eyes. Then she said something about this being just like what happened before we were married. Yep, that's over 16 years ago.

The incident she is referring to is a meeting with an ex. It was not meant to be clandestine. Sybil and I were not that serious (I guess in my mind). It was in an extremely public place (we walked down a public street). For me the meeting was to try to get some closure (it's complicated). Anyway, that was event that was thrown into my face.

Now, I totally get her being unhappy with me ogling another woman. I understand her insecurity (well...kind of). It was stupid of me, but I admit it was an unconscious act. I don't get having something that happened a long time ago used to bash me over my head. Sigh. That's Sybil.

Drama, Redux

*WARNING* Long, possibly disorganized post.

I posted awhile ago about drama. I wrote how I thought it was mainly in the realm of women, but I have learned that men engage in it also but under a different name. I will say that Sybil seems to attract an inordinate amount of it. If she is not starting the drama, then she is still, somehow, in the middle of it.

One of the things I have not posted about is my relationship with my church, specifically its pastor. I'll call him CH. CH has been the pastor of my church for over two years. As an United Methodist, we tend to change pastors regularly. We were fairly regular attendees for a number of years at this church. We may not have gone EVERY Sunday, but we attended more often than not. This all changed last late Fall/Winter. CH's son, who kind of drifted from one thing to another, joined the Marines and was shipping out one Sunday afternoon. On that particular Sunday, CH spent most of the worship service tearing up and talking about his son leaving. He called people up to the altar to offer up prayer for his son. It was rather creepy; I felt like I was at a funeral. Also, it was rather narcissistic; he took most of the service not talking about God or Christianity but talking about his son. It's not like the church hadn't already had an event for his son the day before. It turned me off from going to worship service.

About this time my work became exceedingly hectic with Sybil and me working long hours in my office. With our kids having many activities, hectic work, and the above story, Sunday service became less important. We, essentially, quit going to service and would rarely go to Sunday school. We went from being regular attendees to rare attendees. Apparently, CH noticed this. Instead of calling us and asking what was wrong as a good leader (aka. shepherd) should, he asked, "Is Aphron and Sybil doing ok?" Insuating that we were on the skids. This floated around and got back to the youth. We heard about it and had to have a frank conversation with our children (Son#1 is/was in youth). So instead of trying to bring back a lost sheep, our shephard busily engaged in rumor mongering. That killed our desire to go to church. Add Son#2's baseball schedule in late Winter through Spring/early Summer, we stopped attending altogether.

Now, Sybil has been the chair of Christian Education for over 6 years. She has worked with 3 program directors and 2 pastors. Due to scheduling, she missed one meeting (I went as her proxy) and wasn't going to church. When Son #2's baseball finally ended, the first thing she did was to call the program director (PD) and work on scheduling a meeting and an agenda. PD informed Sybil that the committee was being dissolved and folded into another committee due to lack of attendence. Sybil was quite surprised because this was the first she had heard of this. If she hadn't called PD, she still would not know. Needless to say, Sybil was very disturbed by this, so she scheduled a meeting with CH. Apparently, she was last to find out. That's a funny thing, when one is the chairperson.

Sybil and myself met with CH 4 days ago to try and clear up the situation. Sybil was confused as what her role would be in the church. I expressed that I thought PD could have done a better job of communicating with Sybil about something this important. No sooner had I said it than PD barged in, uninvited, to our meeting. She became quite defensive, started attacking Sybil, and basically making a nuisance of herself. The whole time CH engaged in "naval gazing". He never said a word. I asked PD to excuse herself, which she promptly ignored. It was only that PD felt that she had exhausted herself that made her leave. Stunned silence ensued. We asked CH about why the door wasn't closed to which he replied that it was "against the law." Sybil had scheduled the meeting after hours, so the sudden appearance of PD was a shock. I tried to keep the conversation going and focus on the lack of communication our church as a whole has. Sybil expressed that she was quite shocked at what PD had done. She felt attacked. No sooner had she said this, when PD, again, barged in and started her attack on Sybil. Again, CH studied his naval. This was too much.

We never resolved what we had come to do. We had the issues I laid out above to discuss, but we never made it to those topics because of PD's attitude. I told CH that PD's behaviour was rude and unprofessional. I told CH that he needs to talk to PD and reign her in. Since there was to a committee meeting in two days, I asked CH to schedule a meeting with Sybil, PD, and himself to iron this situation. He agreed.

The next day Sybil appeared at the appointed meeting time. Only CH was attendance. He told her that PD would not be coming due to that situation being between PD and Sybil. He, instead, focused on Sybil's lack attendance and asked her to resign from her chair. Sybil, naturally, was surprised (who ever heard of a volunteer being fired). She thought the meeting was about PD's behaviour. Again, Sybil was ambushed and attacked. After talking with CH for nearly 45 minutes, she decided it was futile to continue the conversation and excused herself.

I'll try to shorten this long, meandering post. Sybil did attend the Christian education meeting. It was a productive meeting. She and PD had words after the meeting. Several people, including CH, stood outside the room to eavesdrop. CH got a good look at his naval. Since no one can win an arguement with Sybil, PD admitted her behaviour was out of bounds. The next day Sybil decided this BS wasn't worth it and resigned her chair.

This is why people have a negative view towards church and church goers. Righteousness is a grand thing. It, apparently, has a switch to be turned on and off at will. We are still grappling with these events and trying to decide our next course of action. Sybil wants me to let it go. That is out of character for her. It did take a toll (she lost a lot of sleep). I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I must confront CH and demand his apology to Sybil and myself. If none is forthcoming, I feel that my next course of action is drafting a letter to the District Superintendent, the Bishop, and the Staff/Parish relations committee. Sybil is adamant that I should let it go. I am so pissed off at CH. To top it off, I have two children that need baptizing, but I refuse to let this ungodly person do the honors. Sybil wants us to withdraw from going to service and focus on Sunday School. Right now, all I can do is go to God in prayer and hope the answer is forthcoming.

Drama

Ah, the human condition. We seem to be hardwired to engage in drama. I'm truly amazed at what people get bent on the least of things.

Sybil's drama has been chronicled here. In fairness to her, our personal drama has decreased. I guess I finally caved in. The path of least resistance is to finally say, "Yup, you're right. I screwed up." All of the while thinking, "Of all of the things in my life to stress out about, we have to stress out about this." The other night, she managed to bring up stuff from when we were dating over 16 years ago to prove her point. By doing so, she made the discussion more about how much can she pummel Aphron over the head with past deeds and less about the issue at hand. I didn't even remember this deed, but she had. So, another strike against me.

Sadly, I'm beginning to think that Sybil is more the norm. I see drama everywhere. I read it on blogs, I see it at church, I see it in my office, etc. I used to take the misogynistic position that only women engage in drama. I've since learned that men do to...we call it sports (especially youth sports...especially youth baseball). I digress. The human condition is take situations that reveal a failing in someone and find ways to make sure they become personal.

Where does that lead us as a species? Not very good. Probably, the cold war was nothing but a bunch of people sitting around getting bent about some perceived slight. At the tender age of 40, I am just too naive. I really thought that life was stressful enough without having to go around and invent more stress.

On a personal note, Sybil and Daughter are out of town for a few days. That leaves me with the boys. I don't have to watch any Miley.

Aphron

That Crazy, Zany Sybil

Although my frequency of posting has gone down considerably, do not think for an instant there is less drama, gently reader. Oh no. Much of the reason for my dirth in posting has to do with being very busy (I run my own business, have 3 active kids, and, oh by the way, am married). I do want to post this, which happened about 2 days ago.

Sybil awoke and informed me that she was hurt and angry with me. Now, I had not even had time to do anything to her, since I was about to leave for the office, and she had just popped her eyes open. What, pray tell, was the matter? It seems that I was divorcing her for another woman. That was news to me. I have written here before about divorce and my feelings about it (I'm too lazy to link to it). Also, not only was I going to divorce Sybil, but also for my brother's wife's sister. It seems that Sybil has had a miniseries of dreams for the past few days in which I was leaving her and the family for a woman that met once several years ago at my brother's wedding.

I know dreams can be powerful things. However, I was not prepared for how much Sybil was bothered by this. There is no logical reason for this to occur, yet for the next 3 days she was throwing comments around about the "incident." Enough so that I was left with the feeling that she truly believed that her dreams were a harbinger of things to come.

I do wonder, if that goes to her insecurity? If Sybil is insecure, then why hasn't she modified her behavior towards me?

Sybil, is that you?

I'm Not Dead, Yet

I apologize for being a terrible host. I have two good excuses:
1. I haven't had the time.
2. I haven't had anything to say.

Blogging under those conditions means less of it. I will pass along a few items, though.

Sybil and I have broken through a lot of our issues. She still is way over the top in terms of anger. I have come to realize that is her way of dealing with a stressful situation. I am learning to try not to react in a similar fashion. That just leads to an escalation. We have become more patient with each other. I think she also realizes that her behavior is destructive. However, I doubt she would ever admit to that.

Like many people, I am apprehensive about the economy. My apprehension grows, when I hear the President and other politicos talk about matters that will directly effect my profession, and, therefore, my family's income.

So pretty mundane around here. That's the way I like it. I have had so much drama in my life, and I am enjoying not having any.

Cheers,

Aphron

Thought I'd pass this along

My father is always forwarding stuff to me. That's the joys of retirement, I guess. I thought I'd post this in lieu of an actual, substantive post.



Enjoy,
Aphron

Wrapping It Up

After referencing the Apostle Paul in my last two posts, it is very important to see the role of sex in a marriage (I won't get into sex outside of marriage...I'm not trying to make a moral statement). Sex in the marriage is very important. Sex is part of the glue that holds the marriage together. Healthy sex is needed to keep out sexual temptation. One commenter spoke of Paul as being a misogynist. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is the line about wives submitting to their husbands. With the exception of that bit, I don't see Paul as a misogynist. Paul describes himself as asexual. He would rather no one got married but sees a need for marriage to keep people from falling into sexual temptation.

In today's world, we are not taught to share ourselves with others. Today's world is all about the individual. Yet, marriage is the ultimate team sport. If marriage means the complete bonding of two people, then it follows that means physically as well. The question of control should never come up. One person should not be able to hold all of the cards. This is not bonding; this is a dictatorship. When one spouse (I, generally, use women because that's my personal experience) withholds ANYTHING from the other, that is a means of trying to control. It could be money, sex, the TV. It does not matter.

Sadly, we humans are fallen creatures. None are perfect. Therefore, whatever we create falls short of perfection. This can be seen in marriage. In a perfect world, both spouses would be on the same page. However, that is rarely the case. That goes back not relinquishing individualism. Putting oneself in first place before the marriage is a recipe for disaster. In different areas of a marriage, one spouse gives authority to the other; while that spouse will have authority in other areas. Many times one is independent and the other is dependent.

In terms of sex, this leads to frustration and resentment. The spouse with looser boundaries will start having to change to mold to the spouse with rigid boundaries. Therefore, having control over one's body invariably means having control of one's spouse's body too. If both spouses are ok with this arrangement, then more power to them. It seems that is not really how things in the real world operate. The rigid spouse feels pressure to loosen boundaries. The more lax spouse feels confined. Both end up resenting the other for the pressures placed on them.

That is the problem. What's the solution? I do not know. In the end successful marriages are full of compromise. A marriage based on one spouse having all of the control usually fails. It believe that one should sacrifice for one's love. That comes in many different forms. Although I have been concentrating on sex, sacrifice can be other ways. One spouse may work harder, so the other can stay home with kids; one spouse may give way on certain TV programs because he/she knows their spouse enjoys that program; or one spouse may have to go on search and destroy missions to rid the house of spiders.

Sex is different because it involves physical intimacy. That is what makes it so beautiful. When one has sex, it is surrendering to another. That's why it is the glue to that holds together marriages. That's why it has room for so much anger and resentment. Withholding sex means that one has not totally surrendered the self to the other person. That is what makes it a sin to withhold sex. By withholding sex, that person elevates their needs over their spouse's. How can love coexist with selfishness?

Does that mean one has to be a doormat for the one they love? No. What it means is that sometimes it's ok to watch football (or Desperate Housewives). Sometimes it's ok to give that backrub, although one had a long day and is need of sleep. Sometimes it's ok to engage in oral sex. When we love another, we should strive to put that person's needs before our own. If love is reciprocated, then being a doormat never comes up.

Or...I could be living in a fantasy world.

Continued

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)

When reading this passage, it seems that the Apostle Paul was talking about expectations for sex in marriage. Neither the husband nor the wife has complete control in their body. In today's world that flies in the face of what we are taught.

Since I am male, I will speak from a purely male perspective. Men are taught that the woman has final say in sex. If a woman is not up to it, does not want to do certain acts, or whatever, then the man has to respect her wishes. Before anyone goes onto a rant about rape and certain kinks, in other writings Paul instructs the husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church. I am not talking about that kind of stuff. I am talking about control. Who is in control? Does the man get a vote? How far can things be pushed?

In reading the letter from Paul, sex is confined to marriage only. Sex is a way of strengthening the bonds of marriage and way to keep sexual immorality from creeping into the marriage. Despite what some faiths or denominations teach, Paul says that sex is not just about procreation but about bonding through recreation. Sex is fun. What does that mean about someone that is a killjoy? The fun disappears. It becomes another chore, like taking out the garbage.

Not in the Mood

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

That passage is the Apostle Paul telling the folks in Corinth that married couples should be getting it on. It even talks about the husband owning the wife's body, and the wife owning the husband's body. What does that mean? Is a wife supposed to submit control over to her husband? Husband to wife? Control still keeps cropping up. In today's post, boys and girls, I am setting that aside. You see, I am not in the mood.

I have chronicled Sybil's and my interactions fairly faithfully up until recently. I stopped, because I saw it as a form of complaining and inaction. Just because I have lessened my posting on Sybil does not mean things have really improved.

It seems that I am not in the mood...to have sex with my wife. At this moment in time, if I had choose between sex with Sybil and reading an interesting book, I'd choose the book. We have not had sex in over 2 weeks. Now, that may not be a long time for some, but that is a long time for us. The stress of marriage and the stress of work seemed to have sapped my desire away.

The decrease is almost scary. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be going through this. Maybe raw oysters are needed?

Developing...

Control Continued...

I've just gotten around to trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. I just read Digger's latest post. He tends to be a very introspective person and is struggling to obtain more sex. He wrote:

Sexual leftovers is what every couple has when it comes to sex. Each person makes a list of what is too disgusting and perverted and then the other person makes their list and then you agree on the leftovers. That’s what you call compromise, right? But that leads to sexual boredom which leads to tension and eventual gridlock. At some point, the anxiety comes to a head and then has to be dealt with.

I'll be posting on this thought soon. It is very enlightening and ties in with my last post.

Control

How many of us yearn for control? How many need that illusion of being in control of one's life, or at least certain aspects?

Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.

The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.

I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.

Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.

This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.

One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.

Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.