No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

So it's winter time, almost.  The temperatures are pretty chilly even for our area.

This morning Sybil and I are trying to leave to go to the office.  Son #3 wakes up right before we need to leave.  Since he's two, that is a problem.  Daughter is there to help, but the boy loves his mother.  I tell Sybil that'll go start my vehicle to get it warm for her and she can sneak out when able.

I go to the vehicle and get it started.  The temp is 33 degrees.  I cannot go back inside because we are trying to sneak away from Son #3.  I decide to sit in the vehicle while it warms up.  I figure the odds that Sybil can get away are about 65 to 35 against.  After waiting about 10 minutes, Sybil manages to come out the front door.  I move the vehicle closer so she can get in without having to manage with the edge of drive way.  Her first comment is my not have the seat warmer on for her. The second time she made that comment, I told her I made the whole vehicle warm.

Apparently, Sybil had time to think on the way to the office. As soon as we were in the warmth of the building, she let me know how I failed. I didn't have the vehicle positioned correctly (so Son #3 could not hear), I did not have seat warmer on, and I did not get her bag. I explained that those issues seem to totally negate the fact that I sat in a cold vehicle for 15 minutes. 1 told her that there is no point in trying to do something nice for her because she will find a way to turn it into a negative.

Hateful

Hateful \ˈhāt-fəl\: 1. Full of hate. 2. of or deserving hate

Which definition is apropos?  Is Sybil "full of hate", or am I "of or deserving hate"?

The simplest conversation seems to take the turn for the surreal as Sybil expresses her "disappointment" by projecting herself to be hateful.  Today's episode is my trying to engage her in a conversation about what to do for the office Christmas.  Do we need to go to a certain store after work today and purchase items?  The conversation went sideways as I did not readily remember the other parts of what her plan was: gift cards in addition to purchased items.  Sybil could barely keep her contempt in.  The way she expressed herself to me made her feelings very palpable.  Since I only got half of the plan correct by not remembering the gift cards, is Sybil "full of hate" or am I "of or deserving hate"?  That is the question: where is someone no longer allowed to be patient and understanding?  I'd like a ruling.

By the way, we did not decide on going to the store today.  At the end, Sybil acted hateful; and I disengaged.  Like so many of our conversations, nothing got accomplished.  Well...that's not true.  We're pissed at each other.

The drama continues...

Powerless

Many times those that have been in a car wreck know that everything seems to slow down and no matter what the wreck still happened.  It's like the event was pre-ordained and no matter what there was going to be a wreck.  That's how it's going with us.  Here is a nice pic of what Sybil presented to me last night:        

Sybil in her altruistic way spent valuable time Googling, downloading, printing, and completing a divorce petition for me, or that was the reason she gave me.  I just do not know how to respond.  If I REALLY wanted a divorce, I would taken care of this myself.  I'm not the one that during every spat that isn't going my way starting saying I want a divorce. We seem to have one about every Sunday.  Makes for an interesting Monday.

Quick details for documentation's sake: Saturday morning I did not pickup the rent check because Son#2 had a parade (we didn't know).  I had something to do at the office and did not feel that I would have time to pick up the rent check and be back in time for the us to go to the parade.  I thought I communicated with Sybil, but I guess I did not.  Anyway, major blow up.  When I get home from office to go to the parade, she calls me and starts yelling.  It's stereo due to yelling from upstairs and into my phone.  Calls me a liar because I thought I had talked with her.  We got off of the phone.  I took Son#3 outside to play.  Thought about it.  Came back in, apologized, gave her affection, asked forgiveness, did not receive.  After the parade, we eventually get the rent check.  On the way, we go through the conversation again.  Sybil lets me know how hurtful it was that I did not follow through with the plan and communicate with her.  I was contrite and accepted responsibility.  Later that night, she got a text from Son#2 that Son #3 like Reese's candy.  I try to let her know that I have a weakness for these kinds of foods (she had just bought 2 packages of Chocolate Chunk cookies) and to not buy them.  I let her know that I struggle with sugar and may be a sugar addict.  Instead of trying show empathy or concern, she spends most of the conversation poking holes in my theory.  I get angry because, again, she does not seem to take my concerns seriously.  Sybil knew I was angry, and I know this because she told Son#2 that I was angry.  If the roles were reversed, she would expect me to confront and comfort her to assuage her angry towards me.  She did not do this with me.  I do not expect her to, because I will confront you if I have a problem with you.  Anyway, the next day during conversation I said made comments in a way she disapproved.  I don't think I was angry still (I never expected her to talk with me, and I knew that talking with her would go nowhere).  Later she asked, if she had done anything wrong and I told her no.  I told her I had apologized for the way my words came out.  Since she started the conversation, I took the opportunity to express my irritation (by now) with how she talked to me last evening.  Eventually, she gave a verbal apology.  Normally, I would accept it, but Sunday I could not.  Too many times I've apologized for the slightest infraction, and my apology not being good enough.  The reason Sybil would not accept my apology was the way it was delivered: no showing of true remorse and emotion in my delivery.  I did not hug and comfort her.  On Sunday I pointed out that Sybil did the same thing that I do to her.  I pointed out that her apology was no different than the way I deliver one and she was not following her dictum.  Her reply?  Full on snark.  She replied, "Since when did you become an expert on apologies?"  I gave her a chance to walk it back; she doubled down.  Things went downhill from there.  So she performed a web search, downloaded, printed, and completed a Petition for Divorce.  Her rationale is that she did it because that is what I wanted.

At this point, I do not know who is the crazy one.  I'm sure her point of view is different.  I'm sure she feels justified in doing and saying everything she did.  However, at no point during the 23 years of marriage did I present her with said Petition.  On about 3 occasions I have used the "Divorce" word in a heated moment.  Sybil has come to use during nearly every spat.  One thing I have come to realize is that we do not have the ability to resolve conflict.  I have to realize (because she has told me so) that I will never receive forgiveness for past transgressions.  I have come to realize that I must take steps for my protection.

Today I opened an account with an online bank.  I am resolving to set up some savings.  If she nukes our marriage, I have to be prepared.  My goal is to put enough money in the account to pay a lawyer to be on retainer and get a place to live.  I have to expect to be ejected from our house.  The Sword of Damocles hangs over me.  I hope to have several thousand dollars set aside within a year.  That may not be realistic, but that is my goal.  Sybil just does not understand the toll a divorce will take on her, the kids, and me.  It would devastate the kids; she would actually have to get a real job (she worked in her family's restaurant and has been working in my business after that); and we would be thrust into poverty.  Sybil has no concept of setting up and sticking to a budget.  In fairness, I struggle in that regard, too.

Developing...

The Saga Continues

Well, Sybil and I are stuck.  She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment.  She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend).  I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail.  Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.

During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago.  There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out.  Sybil did not like that.  She felt that I was ignoring her.  Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us.  She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her.  In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy.  Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.

This is where Sybil is: stuck.  I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her.  I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money.  Nope.  All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored.  To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical.  I don't know how to break through and resolve things.  I'm not sure it's possible.  Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce.  Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family.  She is stuck.  I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out.  I want to be able to get out within an hour or less.  Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable.  I hope it does not come to that.

What are the reasons for divorce?  Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity.  Period.  At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them.  In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse.  If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time.  However, I am neither.  No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy.  I am not bound to make her happy.  I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church.  That is it.  While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept.  I pray she will.

Wow! A New Post

I haven't died, kidnapped by space aliens, or fallen off the face of the planet.  Truth-be-told, I lost interest in blogging.  I think this happens to a lot of bloggers.  For most of us, it is a hobby...maybe even an obsession.  Eventually, that hobby kinds of fades away.  Having said (written?) that, I do feel moved to write an update about my situation.

There is no update.  My situation is, basically, the same.  Sybil is the same.  Our stress level is the same (high).  I wish I could say we have made some strides into improving things.  We have not.  I think it boils down to a "Frog and Scorpion" kind of thing.  I feel that I will be posting more here because I have a feeling that things are disintegrating.  I feel that, if it were not for the kids, she would have left by now.  She has made threats about divorcing me.  I don't deal well with threats or ultimatums.  Each time she makes that threat, I call her bluff.  Most of it emotional bluster, but who knows?

It would seem that I will be reviving the blog, if for no other purpose, but to document things.  In my profession, we have to extensively document to protect ourselves.  This situation is no different.

Therefore, let us examine the latest event.

Let me preface by saying we had planned on seeing a movie for quite some time.  A new movie theater had been built that was supposed to be awesome.  We explained to the kids that they could not go to the movies until we had gone.  This was explained over and over again.  Now, on the night before we were supposed to go (I bought tickets several days prior), we had a big argument.  To be honest Sybil became enraged with me.  Sybil, Daughter, and I were in the bedroom at night; working.  The television was on and I had headphones on.  Sybil asked for my help with something on her computer.  Since I was in the middle of something, I told her I would help her in a minute.  Unbeknownst to me, I started watching TV.  It was an unconscious act.  Sybil saw this; slammed her laptop shut; and said she was done (she was working on Christmas cards).  I could tell that she was upset.  I apologized and immediately stopped what I was doing and started to help.  Daughter and I started working on the Christmas cards.  Sybil stopped and started another task.  She would not longer participate in helping.  Eventually, it got late Daughter went to bed.  Then it began.  Sybil was very angry.  It stems from the fact that I stopped working and was watching TV, instead of helping her.  I apologized.  She was not mollified.  Sybil went on and on.  We were up to 2 AM arguing.  Finally, I told her that no one TOLD her to do the Christmas cards.  She took that upon herself.  Her vitriol does not fit the infraction.  I apologized many times for being distracted.  To no affect.  Finally, I told her that the conversation was over and I went to sleep.

The new day arrived (the day of the movie).  Sybil is still upset, barely talking to me.  We rehashed the previous night's conversation.  Again, I apologized (she did not feel I was apologizing sincerely nor correctly).  I explained that she needs to get ready to go to the movie.  She says she's not going.  Despite my protestations, she was unmoved.  I took Son #2, instead.  Son #2 and I watched the movie, but the whole time I was stewing in anger and frustration.  I did not enjoy myself.  She won.  The next day she admitted to "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

I am at my wits' end.  I do not know how to handle the immaturity of this woman.  This woman that is quite intelligent and insightful.  My life is miserable.  

The "Red Pill" would instruct me to not care about her emotional outbursts or her spitefulness.  It would say that a parent does not care about the outbursts of a small child, so why should a husband care about the emotional outbursts of crazed woman?  Sadly, the "Red Pill" has to have a bit of shallowness that I do not possess.  I truly care about other's well being, especially my wife's.  We are stuck.  I do not know how to proceed.  I will not divorce her (we have 4 kids and my faith).  I need to find excuses to get away from her.  I need to find ways to be around her less.  What a terrible thing to think much less write.  She's my wife!

Interestingly, I see the same pattern of immaturity in Son #1's girlfriend.  I see this pattern in my mother.  Is this the state of woman?  Or, did I pass this along to my son.  Things have been so contentious for so long that Son #2 has decided he is never getting married.

The struggle continues...

No Snip For You!

Sailor asked in the comments from my last post about why Sybil is against any form of permanent birth control.  I wanted to get my thoughts out there, and I felt that a comment would be too long.

First of all, Sybil eschews any time of surgery unless it is definitely required.  A few years ago she was having suspicious pap smears, so the gynecologist was pushing for a partial hysterectomy.  She spoke with her sister's husband (a health care provider in another state), worried and gnashed her teeth, and convinced her gynecologist to just do a LEEP procedure.  Ever since then, she goes every 6 months for a recheck.  This has been years ago.  In fairness to Sybil, it worked; she hasn't had a problem since.

The idea of me getting a vasectomy is not new.  I wanted one after the birth of our third child.  I DID NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, PERIOD.  Well...you see how that went.  Sybil used the same logic as now: why get something done if you don't need to.  It is unnatural.  Granted this is a want and not a need.  I think there are elements of control in the situation, but overall the problem is her belief in maintaining a whole body.

Since I believe that her body is mine and my body is hers as a married couple, I cannot go against her wishes.  Sadly, this puts us in a terrible bind.  I am just as adamant about her not taking the Pill.  I, firmly, believe the Pill did more to damage our marriage (from my point of view...like others with issues she doesn't really think she had a role to play).  If I am demanding her to not to take the Pill, how can I demand for a vasectomy?

Of course, I could "man up" and just "git 'er dun".  However, the long term ramifications to my marriage would be very, very bad.  Although I complain about my situation on this blog, I do believe in my marriage; I do believe that I should remain marriage; and I do believe that remaining married is the best for my family.  This will have to be one of those situations that I have to give in.

Or...maybe...I'm a puss.

Time for a New Post

Wow!  It has been a year since my last posting.  Things have been very busy with Sybil and me.  I am still working out my issues; I'm not sure I'll ever completely have them resolved.  I have come to some realizations though:

1. I am an introvert.  Most people will think I am the most outgoing, witty person in the room.  However, being around people tires me out.  Since I am around people all day, I really treasure my alone time.  Unfortunately, my alone time is from 5:45 am to 6:45 am M-F.  Not much there.  In the past, Sybil and the kids would go visit her parents in another state.  I enjoyed my alone time so much that I didn't miss them that much.
2. Sybil is an extrovert.  She gets her energy from being around people.  She cannot stand being alone.  I guess that is because she has never really been alone.  Being the youngest girl in a family with 7 kids, Sybil was always with someone.  This can create friction, because she cannot understand why I need my space.  I find myself hanging around her because it's just easier.
3. I have deep areas of resentment towards Sybil.  Over the years, I have chronicled our marriage here in this space.  Ironically, Sybil got off of the Pill last summer.  It was the best 6 weeks of our marriage.  She wasn't a bitch and the sex was great.  It was so great that we had a baby.  Number 4.  We are in our middle age.  Since we have 4 kids and are older, I repeatedly stated my desire for a vasectomy.  However, due to some sort of personality quirk (I think her need to control), Sybil has adamantly refused.  Now what?  I refuse to have her back on the Pill.  I believe it set motion events that led to some of my resentment issues.  She refuses to let either of us be permanently fixed.  We are back to using a condom.  She hates those, too.  Cognitive dissonance is her middle name.
4. Work is killing me.  With the baby, Sybil became less engaged at work and no longer comes to the office.  It is interesting to note that my blood pressure went way down.  It was borderline needing medication.  Now, it is normal.  I guess being around Sybil was, literally, killing.
5. Once upon a time, I had some readers of this blog.  My intention was not to have a large audience but to put in words my issues.  Now that I am not joined at the hip with Sybil, I expect my posting to increase.
6. Don't even get me start on finances.  Cognitive dissonance really shines with Sybil in this arena.  We will never be out of debt; she keeps wanting to spend money.  She justifies it with what she considers as a "need".  With the new kid, this has increased many times over.  Also, Sybil is at home unsupervised.  My goal is get us on a debt reduction budget.  Of all of the things we have fought over (the majority of which are trivial), this will be most major.

That is just a short list of things to grapple with.  Reflecting on things almost seems to make them worse.  Kind of like picking on a sore.  It just hurts without healing.  Depressing.  

Many times over I have come to the realization that this is my lot in life.  Nuke the marriage (permanently damaging the kids and going against my Christian beliefs) or try to polish a turd.  So far, the turd is very shiny.

Dearth of Posting

Not much new to report.  I thought I would check in, though.

Sybil almost nuked our marriage last month over some comments I made.  The comments were pretty bad.  I said things like...well...they were so bad that I can't remember them.  I remember thinking what is going on?  What kind of statement is so bad that one would threaten divorce?  I didn't say that I didn't love her, or I don't find her attractive, or her gaining 25 lbs. of weight is off putting.  It was pretty bad, though, because she told me it was.  It was so bad it made Sybil want to end a nearly 20 year marriage. They were that bad.  Too bad I can't remember them.

Throughout the ordeal I was not going to move out of the house.  I told her that she is welcome to move out any time.  Any divorce is strictly her decision.  I do not believe in divorce, unless adultery is involved.

We didn't get divorced.  I don't think because she started to see her lack of logic or she really loves me.  Nope.  It is purely mercenary: she would be broke and lost without me.  All of her income comes from me and, more importantly, her vocation.  Although she has a college degree, she has never had a real job outside of a family business.  Looking for a job in this economy for a 40 year old woman with no past experience would be daunting to say the least.  It would entail asking customers, if they want fries with that.  That killed whatever bug caused her to vehemently state that she wanted a divorce for my horrible comments, that I can't remember.

I Like to Abuse Myself

Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault.  If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.

On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid."  She was referring to me.  When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do.  Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete.  Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."

Today, things are at a standstill.  I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary.  Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did.  If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that.  Basically, it is all of my fault.

Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical?  No.  Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane.  However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.

It doesn't matter, really.  What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants.  While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic.  No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.

I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that.  That will be in less that 5 years.

Seriously?

This article published in New Zealand gives the briefest of glimpses into modern marriage.  It barely scratches the surface of what modern husbands have to look forward to.  However small, this article is a step into the right direction.  Sadly, few men will admit to the veracity of the article and fewer women want to admit to the possibility of this reality existing (see my last post about solipsism).

Is it any wonder that the birthrate of the Western world is dropping?  Seriously, this really isn't news.

Hat tip to Will S. at Patriactionary.

I Was Wrong...

I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Sometimes it takes a long time for something to sink into my consciousness.  I seem to hold fast to my ideals in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary.  After reading this post (and the second definition), I see that I was wrong to think that Sybil is narcissistic.  I thought that because she was incapable of empathy towards others, especially those closest to her, that she must be a narcissus.  I struggled with definitions of her personality and with trying to find out what is wrong with her.  The answer was staring me in the face.  She is like all of the other women that I have known: she is immersed in solipsism.  

Narcissism deals with loving oneself more than anyone else.  There is no room for anyone else.  While this does kind of define Sybil, it is incomplete.  I do not think she has total self love.  Instead, I think there is an underlying loathing because she cannot handle imperfection.  Since all are imperfect, she cannot totally love herself.  No, she is engaged in solipsism.  The reason she has no empathy towards others is because she cannot fathom anything outside of herself.  Every thought, every conversation, every gesture, every nuanced bit of body language is seen through a lens of how it affects her.  Like tumblers in a lock, it clicked.  No wonder she gets so angry over the wrong facial expression, the wrong comment, the wrong gesture.  Sybil default setting is to believe everything is directed towards herself.  

The reason I say I'm not the brightest bulb is because I have been seeing this pattern of behavior my whole life.  I just was so into the "now" that I did not stop and think about what I was experiencing.  All of the women that I am closest to are completely enmeshed in solipsism.  My mother laying on the couch complaining about her life while dad worked 50 hours a week.  Girlfriends that played with my feelings.  Sybil...well we know about Sybil.  Sadly, it has taken 43 years for me to wake up.  I will not say that all women are this way.  I can only say that all of the women I have experience with are this way.  To say that women are better than men in empathy, in compromise, in a general live-and-let-live attitude has not been my experience.

The curtain has been rudely pulled back.  The wizard is just a sad, little man.

Why I Blog

I wish things were improving with Sybil and me.  Unfortunately, they are not.  Why am I still with her?  Like everything else in life...it's complicated.  

First of all, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Looking back, I see a pattern of behavior that was there from the beginning of our marriage.  Sybil is narcissistic.  Only her feelings matter.  In the last post I wrote about the camping thing.  As it turns out, Sybil only "felt" that I had ruined the kids on camping.  She never actually asked them.  Since how she feels about something trumps everyone else's, she feels totally justified in LYING about it.  When confronted, she will say that I provoked her (made an ugly face, talked to her with sarcasm, whatever).  I have endured 19 years of this because I thought that was what I supposed to do.  I thought that two adults come together and try to iron out their differences.  If unable, then they just work on accepting the other person for who they are.  I know, I know...I'm pretty dumb.  Sadly, we all see the world through our own prism.  It's hard to really see the world for what it is.

Secondly, we have kids.  I strongly believe that becoming a parent means you have to set aside one's unhappiness to take care of one's kids.  The role of parents is to raise the kids.  That doesn't mean in separate houses.  However, I don't think I would have gone through all of this if we didn't have kids.

Thirdly, I am a Christian.  I take it to heart that God hates divorce.  The only reason for divorce is adultery.  Not because I am unhappy.

The reason I started this blog was to cope with being married to Sybil (Sybil may have a different take on things.  She can start her own blog).  It seemed that I was losing my mind.  I could not believe a rational adult could behave this way.  Of course, that assumes she is rational.  So, at first I started this blog as a catharsis.  Now the blog has become an actual log.  I am logging my situation, if divorce comes up.  This blog is a means to protect myself as I am able.  Although I will not file for divorce because of the reasons I have listed (being dumb is probably primary), I would not put it past Sybil.  It all depends on her FEELINGS.  That is the metric I am measured.  Since her feelings are always in a state of flux, I will always be short.

I appreciate those that still read my blog.  I appreciate even more those that comment.  I know what my choices are.  I have always known.

Stalemate

What to do when a couple is at a stalemate?  That is where Sybil and I are now.  Neither wants to budge about the latest explosion.  Frankly, I'm too tired of the whole drama queen act.  The toll it has taken on me emotionally has reached its limit.

How did this come to pass?  Like everything else it is my fault (at least in Sybil's eyes).  On Sunday we finished moving Son #1 into his dorm room.  It was getting late, he had stuff to do, and we have to be at our office early the next day.  We stopped at a fast food place for a quick bite before the drive home.  We had a pleasant time.  Chit-Chatting about stuff: first kid in college and all of the stuff that goes along with that.  Sybil complimented me on my being laid back about having to drive to the college, again, to finish with the room set-up.  I say "again" because we were there on Saturday.  Sybil did not like how the room was arranged, so we drove back there on Sunday.  No biggee to me.  Anyway, we gas up the car and get on the interstate to go home.  It's getting late, and I am driving above the speed limit.  I was doing around 80 mph (speed limit is 70).  This was the same speed I used to drive to our destination earlier, and I was driving the same speed back home.  No biggee.  Or I thought.  As we get closer to the medium sized city that close to our town, I have to slow down because of being cut off by another car.  I move around the car and put my cruise control back on.  Since we had slowed considerably, the car shifted to a lower gear causing the engine to rev at a higher RPM.  After passing the offending car, I moved back to our lane (here the speed limit was 65).  Sybil heard the engine noise and said that I am driving to fast and asked me to slow down.  I did not say anything, but I did make a face.  She asked me what the face was about, and I told her that it was for her nagging commentS.  Oooh, it's on.

First of all, Sybil becomes angry at me for saying commentS.  She only made one commenT.  Secondly, I was rude for making a face about her commenT.  She has a right to express herself and make a commenT about something that may affect her (driving too fast leading to death and/or dismemberment).  I tell her it's no biggee.  Wrong.  It is a biggee for someone with all of those speeding tickets.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  I ask her how many speeding tickets have I gotten in the last 10 years?  She says 4 or 5.  I inform her that I got ONE speeding ticket.  I ask her how many has she gotten?  She says it doesn't matter.  I push the issue.  We agree that she had ONE, also.  It still means that I was rude for making a face and stating that she made nagging commentS.  Fine.  I apologize, if I was rude and for saying commentS instead of commenT (she did only make one comment).  She rejects my apology.

We continue along this vein for awhile.  Then Sybil drops the bombshell: I not know how to compromise.  Actually, my lack of being able to compromise has led to the kids hating to go camping.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  There is a back story that is too long to get into.  Suffice it to say that I wanted to go camping this Labor Day weekend but cancelled it due to campground conditions.  It was difficult for me.  I struggled with it, but I DID MAKE THE CALL.  Anyway, WTF is going on?  She brought our kids into our argument.  Also, she totally contradicted herself.  It was just about two hours earlier when she was complimenting me on being so understanding and, oh I don't know, compromising.  I point out her cognitive dissonance.  Big mistake I know.  I couldn't help it.  She informs me that was to make me feel better but she didn't really mean it.  My last words on the subject was "I can't argue with that logic" and I left the room.

We haven't really spoken since.  Sybil's narcissism and inability to be a fully mature adult is astounding.    My mistake is thinking I am dealing with a rational, fair-minded individual.  It is my fault for not remembering who I am dealing with.  I will never get a rational, fair-minded response from Sybil when it has anything to do with me.

Joining the world of Twitter

Well...I'm entering the world of Twitter.  I kind of find it a waste of time, but I think Tweeting Sybil's rantings may be enjoying.  For me anyway.  Ha.  For those that care (both of you), it may provide some fun and take your mind off of your problems.  So look at the sidebar.  I hope to update when able.  Since we are moving our older son into college this weekend, I know there will be something to Tweet about.

Stay tuned.

Personality Disorders

Over the last few posts many have suggested that Sybil has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  First of all, I am not trained in either psychiatry or psychology.  Therefore, I cannot definitively say whether or not Sybil suffers from NPD or BPD.  May be Sybil is just Sybil?

According to PubMed Health NPD "is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves."  The article goes on to list a multitude of symptoms.  In the article, Sybil does not really fit into that list, except with "react to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation", "need constant attention or admiration" (at least the constant attention part), and "disregard the feelings of others (namely mine), and have little ability to feel empathy."  Sybil may have "unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment".  That one is less sure.  Therefore of the 10 symptoms listed, Sybil has, possibly, four.

Again, according to PubMed Health BPD is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.  This condition has the hallmark of shifting perceptions of others.  Much more emotional turmoil.  Other symptoms that Sybil has are "frequent displays of inappropriate anger" and "intolerance of being alone (of which this has greatly improved over the years)".  The shifting emotions thing is a big red flag for me.  I call her "Sybil" in this blog for a reason.

After studying both of these conditions, it is possible that Sybil has a bit of both.  There are times she has definite NPD: only worries about time when it affects her, not taking account anyone else's feelings, wanting to be pampered, yet not pampering others.  There are times she shows herself to BPD: fluctuating emotions, shifting perceptions of me.  After many months of contemplation, I believe that Sybil has traits for both conditions.  I doubt that she would be diagnosed with either, or she may be diagnosed with a mild form.  The problem with both of these conditions is that it is hard for someone to be diagnosed and seek help.

It doesn't really matter if Sybil has NPD or BPD.  Maybe she's just batshit crazy?!?  At the end of the day, I have to learn coping mechanisms.  Fortunately, the kids get to leave.  I often wonder if they will ever come back to visit.

Awww...Wedded Bliss

Had to take a road trip with Sybil this past weekend.  There's nothing I dread more.  Naturally, we got into it.  

A little back story here: we recently bought a car that has an adaptive cruise control.  It automatically slows the car, when behind a slower vehicle.  I love it.

Anyway, we hit a rain storm on the interstate.  Everyone is slowing down.  Until that moment, I was going about 78 mph.  When the car in front began slowing down to the huge downpour, the car automatically slowed to match it.  We slowed to around 55 mph.  The whole time the cruise control was on.  It functioned as it should by slowing the car.  I was aware of what the car in front and the vehicles to the side and back where doing at all times. My foot was poised over the brake to disengage the cruise control, if needed.  Eventually, it rained so hard our car could not keep the adaptive cruise control going and turned it off.  No big deal.  I took over and maintained proper space distancing.  We made it through unscathed.

When the rain stopped and the sun was shining, Sybil decided it was time.  She noticed that I did not turn off the cruise control.  A big discussion ensued.  I informed her that I was in total control the whole time.  I could turn off the cruise control in less than a blink of an eye.  It didn't matter.  "Would I be ok with our children driving this way?" she asked.  Since our kids are 18, 15, and 13 I said "no".  I have way more experience driving in these conditions.  It didn't matter.  Naturally, we went back and forth.  I did not agree with Sybil's premise that I should have turned of the cruise control immediately.  And then Sybil said, "That's why you're a jerk!"

I will be the first to admit that I did not take that well.  I shot back, "That's why you're a controlling bitch!"  I told her that having a debate about my driving is one thing but taking it to a personal level is out of bounds.  I asked why she felt that she should do that and her response was I made her do it by not admitting her point.  I thought, "Wow!  Isn't that what an abuser says to the abusee?"

It's my fault that she had to bring the discussion to a higher level.  If only I had listened to her wise counsel, I would not have made her call be an epithet.  Sad.  I didn't handle it well either.  I apologized for my language (I didn't say she wasn't a controlling bitch, though).  I said I should have used other words.  I'm still waiting for my apology.  Still waiting....Bueller...Bueller.

Not Much Has Changed

Digger is back to posting.  He's got two posts in 6 weeks.  That's a lot.  Sadly, like me, his situation hasn't really changed.

As I stroll around the blogosphere, I read many situations similar to Digger's and mine.  Either the wife is totally disengaged from the marriage and offers none of the physical side of it, or the wife is a harpy from hell that thrives on drama, any drama, and sucks her stupid husband into it.

I wrote this post back in 2005.  In it, I start the process of detailing why marriage is a not a great idea for men.  Sadly, my attitude hasn't really changed much.  It's all so depressing.  I don't think anyone really has a Great marriage but the lucky ones have a Pretty Good marriage.  Eventually, most come to the conclusion that we prefer the devil we know to the devil we don't know.

That's the main reason I slacked off on posting.  It seems so pointless.  The blog started making me feel I "must,  like a whore, and unpack my heart with words".  Nothing was changing.  I seem unwilling to bring the situation to head.  That's the depressing part of it all.  As I look back, I see that I have created this situation.  I did not put boundaries on bad behavior, and I allowed Sybil to dictate terms to me.  I, actually, thought that Sybil was a rational being that would find a way to compromise to make everyone...maybe not happy...but everyone as happy as can be.  Nope.  That was not to be.  


Now, I'm almost 20 years into it; I've got 3 kids; a mortgage; etc.  Maybe I'm suffering from the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I doubt it.  If I hadn't gotten married, I would have had to work less and take on less stress because of my profession.  I would have more peace at home.  As it is, I have stress at the office and a huge, heaping helping at home.  The good news is I'll probably die young because of it.

I Hate Anniversaries

Sybil and I celebrate our 19th anniversary this weekend.  I have come approach each anniversary with a sense  fear and loathing.  I should be excited.  Nineteen years is a long time in today's world for two people to live together.  Not many can say it.  It should be a time of celebration.  However, Sybil can be a buzzkill like no one else.

I assume that most people have anniversaries that are filled with joy and laughter.  A day of celebration.  Not us.  Sybil always feels a need to ruin it by dispensing with drama.  This one was no exception.  We had to argue about things that I thought were resolved.  Nopey.  We had to regurgitate past incidents like last night's expired milk.  I blame myself, really.  Sybil manages to suck me into her drama.  It is only after the fact that I notice.  She plays on my emotions and keeps me off balance.  It's truly remarkable.  I have to learn to be in control and not let her pettiness become larger than life.

So, true to form, this anniversary was horrible.

The End is Nigh?

Well, as the title should reveal the end is nigh for Sybil and my marriage.  At least that is what she has said.  We really haven't spoken about our marriage (or anything else) in over a week.  She seems quite willing to go Hiroshima and nuke our family.  What prompted such a dramatic action?  That's what this blog is for: a web log of our dynamic.

Last weekend, my parents were in for the weekend to celebrate my birthday.  That Saturday morning Sybil and I had to run to the office before going to Largish City close by to Son #1 play trumpet.  Our plan was to bring my parents along, also.  Anyway, as we were driving back to the house to begin our journey, we came upon a guy jogging down the road.  The road we were on has no shoulder whatsoever.  He was on the road side of the white line.  I noticed that as we came closer there would be hill coming up and there was no way to know if another car would crest the hill in the opposite direction.  This posed a bit of a conundrum: how to get past the driver and deal with the hill and the possibility of oncoming traffic.  I mumbled, "crud" under my breath.  Sybil said, "What?!?"  It was not quite yelling but was, definitely, not conversation tone.  In the moment of stress (caused by both the jogger and Sybil's demeanor), I said, "What do mean 'What'?  Can't you see the jogger and the hill?  What if another car hit us head on as I'm trying to not hit the jogger?"  I'm sure my tone was...sharpish.  The words I used (and possibly tone) caused Sybil to get very angry.  She said I was rude to which I said that the words were not rude it may have sounded that way due to a moment of stress.  This continued for less than 5 minutes on the way to my house.

Meanwhile, my parents are anxious to go see their grandson.  As we pull up to the house, I see them and my other two children standing outside waiting for us.  By this time Sybil is in one of her rages.  She storms out of the car, doesn't say anything to anyone, and goes inside.  Judging by the raised eyebrows of my parents, I'd say they knew that something was up.  I go inside to try talking her down.

Inside the house, she starts yelling at me for my rude behavior.  Now she has decided that we can go without her.  Basically, being her normal self.  I say that I did not mean for my comment to be rude.  I apologize  for it, but it was said in a moment of stress.  Sybil doesn't care and continues to say it's too late. She's not going.  This ten minute "discussion" eats up valuable time.  Everyone is still outside wondering what is the deal.  I finally talk Sybil down enough to get her in the car.  We drive to Largish City just in time to miss the performance.

As we are standing there, I'm still not in a good state of mind and Sybil is not in a good state of mind.  We kind of stand there looking at each other and elsewhere not saying anything to each other.  I'm thinking I've apologized and everything should be good.  Later, I will find out how wrong I was.  Anyway, Sybil wonders off to look at some shops are located in the area.  My parents and other kids wonder off to do their thing.  I'm left standing there by myself.

On the way home, I have to get fuel.  Our car is a diesel and requires a certain kind of diesel that was hard to get, when we first purchased the car.  However, that was five years ago.  Everywhere has the correct diesel.  I pull into a certain gas station that we had a problem getting diesel before.  Sybil starts yelling at me (in front of my parents and other 2 kids) to go to the one across the street.  I calmly explain that the placard indicates the correct diesel is sold there now.  Sybil is not having it.  We MUST continue to gas station across the street.  Finally, I say fine we'll go.  Sybil says that she told me before ever turning in to go to the other one but I didn't listen (that is possible...more likely she wasn't making herself clear).  Finally, we get the correct diesel and go home.  Sybil promptly marches to her room without a word to anyone.  My parents are wondering what just happened.  Very uncomfortable for me.

Finally, everyone goes to bed to conclude my parents visit.  They ask us not to try to get up to see them off.  They planned to leave very early.  I say good night and safe trip.  I go to bed.  Sybil is still awake.  I say that I am not happy with how she acted in front of my parents.  She really showed her "ass".  Instead of feeling remorse or anything, she says that she is tired of the act.  She pointed out that I have done the same before in front of her family.  I guess this excuses her behavior.  To tell the truth, we have had two blow-ups in front of her family.  I did apologize to her at the end (to date she has never apologized for her actions in front of my family).  We begin our long conversation (it takes over two hours).  Sybil contends that I was being abusive in the car, when I made the rude comment about the jogger and the hill.  I acted like an "asshole".  (Aside: I guess verbal abuse only means anything but name calling).  I was a jerk for not talking after we arrived at the Largish City.  It's my fault things escalated to the boiling point.  I should have listened better about the fuel.    We, finally, go to sleep sometime after 1:00 am.

The next day we have a five hour long continuation from the night before.  We had made plans to do some work at the office and run some errands, but these plans had to be delayed to have our talk.  In the car ride to Large Office Supply Box Store, Sybil continues the conversation.  By my count, the conversation lasted about twelve hours total.  In the Large Office Supply Box Store parking lot, we are still at it.  I'm trying to diffuse the situation, but Sybil is not having it.  Finally, she says that she doesn't think we should go on.  I say to her to be careful of starting down that path.  I tell her that starting down that path there will be no return.  She continues saying that it is pointless to continue the marriage.

This took place over a week ago.  While Sybil has not come out and said she wants a divorce, she hasn't come out and said anything is ok.  For my part, I'm feeling kind of numb about it.  When I weigh the pros and cons of divorce, I can say that the cons of staying together outweigh the pros.  Sybil has many negatives.  However, she is the mother of children and I made a promise.  Those are the two things that are keeping me here.  If she demanded a divorce and asked me to move out, I already have planned on what to take.  It amounts to very little.

Temptation

I felt moved to post another thought/situation. For those that are keeping up with this blog (both of you...eh eh), you know that Sybil's and my marriage is contentious to say the least. It has not been easy.

I have been grappling with temptation. What causes temptation? Does temptation just spring up out of nowhere, or is it nurtured and allowed to grow? We are all tempted in our lives. It is how we deal with the temptation that defines our character. Jesus was tested for 40 days and nights even with kingdoms of the earth. He prevailed. Humans, however, are not the son of God. We often times fail our tests with temptation.

What is my temptation? With the power of the internet, I have been able to track down an ex-girlfriend. I have not spoken to nor even seen her in 20 years. Using a social website, I was able to see a picture of her and her husband. She looks happy, and I am happy for her. However, the pangs of "what may have been" remain. That is my real problem. It isn't that I want to radically alter my life and hers by reaching out and contacting her. What is really going on is my disillusionment of my own life. I have chronicled it here.

As I have noodled this temptation in my mind, I came to the realization that I created my life. I can complain about Sybil and my predicament. However, I am solely responsible. I could have altered things between Sybil and me a long time ago. I didn't for various reasons (excuses?). Sybil and I are not in a good place. This leaves us open to temptation.

Another Post

I felt the need to post...so that's what I'm doing. Just a quickie update.

Things with Sybil are ok. Not great but not awful either. I guess I have come to terms with my lot in life.

Marriage is definitely difficult. I won't lie and say I'm easy to live with either. However, I've learned things about Sybil over the last 18 years that I didn't know, when we were dating. Kind of a bait and switch, really.

Ultimately, it's about control. Sybil loves to be in control (ironically, she hates making decisions, though). Case in point: we were at the Post Office early one morning to mail some packages. There are a couple of cars in the parking lot. As I was about to back up to leave our parking space, Sybil starts fussing about my plan to back out of the space. Why not pull forward and loop around? That's so much easier. Well, not really, but Sybil hates putting the car in reverse. That discomfort was transferred to me. Therefore, she nags at me about not backing out of the space.

Back when I was enamored with Sybil, that would have seemed like an isolated incident. Now I know her oh so well. It ties in beautifully with my last post about control. The problem is that I truly don't understand the need to critique everything I do. It's tiring.

See, the thing is I hate being controlled. I hate being told what I can and cannot do. I bristle at authority. Therefore, the thing with Sybil's need for control in all aspects really creates a lot of tension for me. It causes me to act out in ways that may be self-destructive. For example, Sybil's need to control our sex life. She has the need to control how it is done. I've taken to controlling the when. I know it's passive-aggressive. However, I've spoken to her on more than one occasion. Sadly, her selfishness can't see beyond her needs and into mine. So I don't try as much. It's isn't exciting. I used to try different methods, positions, etc. only to be rebuffed. So what's the point?

Quick update

Yep...I'm still alive and well. Things are coasting along. I am writing for myself, as always. My readership has dwindled to nothing. That's ok, because this blog was in the real sense a web log. I am logging my relationship with Sybil. My lack of posting has nothing to do with some big time breakthrough in our marriage. Nope. I just got tired of writing the same stuff. I'm coming to the end of the road.

But...I've got a little time, and I wanted to blog what happened earlier today. I'm always amazed at the ability people have to rationalize stuff. We all do it. All of us. We never seem to realize that we are doing it, either. Just today Sybil did it. She was talking about this woman we know. She has 4 kids from 2 different fathers, debt up to her ears, can't pay her rent, car has died, and divorced (again). However, she managed to find a guy to not only give her a car free and clear, but also pay her rent for the year. I made the remark of a sexual quid pro quo (involving her performing oral sex on him). Her only remark: "If you had played your cards right, you would be getting a bj too." Nice. Sex as a weapon. Nothing like trying to manipulate someone into doing your bidding. I don't think she saw how she sunk herself to that woman's level. The only difference is that Sybil chooses to use negative reinforcement, instead of positive reinforcement. The other woman is getting a free car and her rent paid. Sybil is getting my ire and resentment. Who is smarter? One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It's that kind of thing that has worn me down. Eighteen years of it. Nothing like being made to feel like a puppet on the end of the string. Naturally, if all I do is what she wants, she isn't happy with that either. Doing so means that I am not thinking for myself.

Seething Resentment

Sybil and I are coming up on 18 years of marriage. These days, that is an accomplishment. I am always wondering how other couples deal with past hurts both big and small. Do they forgive and forget, or do they use the hurt as a bludgeon? Do they use these mistakes as a way to win the argument, or are the mistakes brought up as a way to show a pattern of behavior? Or is this bludgeon a way to change the other's behavior?

I don't have the answer to those questions.

In this blog, I have written about Sybil's behavior. I have not posted even half of the stuff that goes on. "Mommy Dearest" comes to mind. Very similar behavior at times. At other times, she is nothing like that, hence the moniker of Sybil.

My question in this post is about the statute of limitations. I will be the first to say that I have made two huge errors in my marriage. They both were business decisions that were extraordinarily bad. One sprang from my pride, and one sprang from my not wanting to "upset the apple cart". I'm not talking about infidelity or anything that big. No, I am talking about two times that I failed to listen to Sybil and got bitten for it. I have admitted to my poor decisions. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that has been done. I cannot. I can only move forward and try to learn from them.

So what is the statute of limitations? When am I off of probation? Whenever a disagreement comes about, Sybil uses these two issues to undermine my position. Her resentment and even anger towards me is palpable, yet despite my best efforts, she will not forgive me. She says she does, but why bring these issues up at every turn? That tells me that she does not forgive me.

Between these decisions and Sybil's demeanor towards me, my self-confidence is at an all time low. Sybil has always questioned everything I have done and sought ways to control my behavior (I don't say the right thing, don't act the right way, etc.). With new ammunition, she is able to step up the assault on me. If she resents me so much, why not just do us both a favor and leave? Stubbornness. Sybil is stubborn (in fairness, I am stubborn also). Leaving would admit defeat. That cannot happen.

Although Sybil feels that everything wrong in her life is because of me, she will have to be the one to get over it. I cannot make her. She will have to be the one to either "fish or cut bait". Either way the resentment will end.

I'm Not the Only One

I read this post at The Good Men Project. It fits a lot of what I see/feel. I was such a laid back kind of guy. Sybil knows how to punch my buttons.

It's amazing how she complains about my lack of confidence, yet does everything in her power to make sure I'm torn down. A good example of a "death by a thousand papercuts": called to bring her lunch (it was lunch time, and she was at the office on Saturday). I had gotten up at 5AM to work at a charity event from 6AM to 12 PM. I called her to ask what she wanted, I bought her lunch, I brought the lunch to her, and she complained that I didn't get her fries (the same Sybil that complains about her weight). She didn't appreciate my efforts in caring about what she wants. I really don't care about this incident, because this is typical Sybil. I use it to illustrate how nearly 18 years of this and worse wears the other person down.

I have two choices: quit trying or quit caring. Since it's obvious that Sybil is a complete bitch and always has been, I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed.

I'm an Ol' Meanie

"You're so MEAN!!," yelled Sybil.

I had just turned off the TV and turned towards her as I prepared to go to sleep. It was late (~11:30 pm), and I had to get up early. Sybil had gone to bed around 7:30 due to a bad headache (combination of staying up too late the night before and stress at the office). When I came to bed around 10:00, she was sound asleep. I watched a little TV before going to sleep.

At one point Sybil awoke and asked, "What time is it?"

"Around 11:30," I answered.

"AM or PM?"

"PM."

At this point, I thought Sybil was asleep: she asked an obviously stupid question (it was pitch black in our bedroom) and had gone silent. Imagine my surprise, when she yelled, "You're so MEAN!!"

WTF?!?!? I literally jumped out of bed. I was almost asleep, and her exclamation was so surprising I reacted by nearly jumping out of my skin.

Since I turned off the TV and turned towards in preparation to go to sleep without asking about her headache, I just do not care. I only care about myself. I defended myself that she seemed about to go to sleep judging by her reaction and her inability ascertain whether or not it is PM or AM. Nope. I. Just. Do. Not. Care.

After that tiff, she might be on to something. I just about do not care. If it were not for the kids, I would be out of here. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me here. Sybil has created a home life that is just unbearable. It's not that I don't care about Sybil's well-being. I just don't care about the abuse.

I must maintain for the kids' sake. I am just an Average Married Chump.

Was: The Walkabout Continues

This is what I intended to write about

I have been away reading various blogs on what women want. I am familiar with the mainstream version: women want a nice guy that will listen to them and treat them special. This makes for a "Princess on a Pedestal". I have noticed a running theme in today's culture that says women are, somehow, superior to men. I see it in TV shows, movies, on the news, etc.

Now, the blogs I am reading are ones that run counter to what is in pop-culture. These blogs deal with doing exactly the opposite of what a woman tells you they want. Ideas are boiled down to "Alpha" behavior verses "Beta" behavior. Our culture says women want a Beta provider to take care of them, yet what men see are Alpha males getting the women.

Beta males are the providers. These men get up early and go to bed late. They work hard and die young. They see themselves as the provider for the family. They try to do what they're wives/girlfriends ask at all times. Obviously, the vast majority of men are in this category. Think of them as the steady, wage earner. Kind of dull but consistent and steady.

Alpha males are the "bad boys". They are only out for themselves and whatever they can get from others. They tend to treat women as objects and have a misogynistic streak. He would never treat a woman as the most important thing in his life. As a matter of fact, he expects the woman to treat him as the most important thing. He is not interested in a family life.

The idea that women are attracted to the Bad Boy is nothing new. I wish I had a nickel for every woman that said she wished she could find a nice guy, yet this same woman kept going after the Bad Boy. These women never seemed to be self-aware enough to realize they are responsible for the Bad Boy. Men are simple creatures. However, men are not stupid. If men start seeing that what women really want is a Bad Boy to move them, then that is what they will become.

Well, I'm not really in the mood. Yes, I've been traipsing around the "manosphere" with its men's rights. Too many times it seems too jaded. No, instead I'll talk about my favorite subject: Sybil and our Co-Dependent Marriage.

I'm really tired of being married right now. It is too hard. It is too hard being told that being decisive means I don't listen to her opinions. It's too hard being told that I'm not decisive enough. It's too hard having the feeling of Charlie Brown trying to kick that football only to have it pulled away. It's too hard having strict boundaries in the bedroom.

I think I could put up with a lot of Sybil's BS, if the bedroom stuff was ok. Type A, control freaks never shut that aspect of their personality off. It defines who they are. That aspect makes for a difficult living arrangement. They feel the need to ALWAYS be in control no matter the situation. Not only must they be in control but others around them must accept their control. If others do not, then they are selfish people. Sadly, these controlling people never see themselves as the actual narcissus. They never see that their mentality leaves no room for other's opinions or feelings.

The Ideal Parent

Amy Chua wrote this article in the Wall Street Journal about the supremacy of a Chinese upbringing. In it she describes her parenting style, and it being an anathema to Western thought. She compares and contrasts Chinese moms to Western moms. Since Sybil is Chinese (immigrated from Hong Kong when she was 7), I'll chime in, also.

Ms. Chua has a point about the positives of how Chinese moms parent. They are much more strict and take less B.S. than their Western counterparts. Sybil is a perfectionist, which goes along with the Chinese stereotype. She expects her children to as perfect as possible. Of her siblings, she is the least successful: oldest brother is a physician, second oldest is an aeronautical engineer, third oldest is an electrical engineer, older sister is a pharmacist, and younger brother is a pharmacist. Sybil by contrast was a stay-at-home-mom until our youngest was old enough to go to school. Now she helps me in my business. I have seen first hand how a Chinese mom can be. In a word, they are tyrants.

That does not mean that Chinese moms do not love their children. They express their desire to have the best for their children by trying to mold them into being the best. Chinese women have a control freakishness about them that is surprising. The stereotypical Chinese woman is subservient to her husband. That may be true in movies. I have never seen it. Not her mother nor her sister. This need to control extends to their children. Couple that need to status (having "face"), and that is can be a bad mixture.

This mixture makes Chinese people great employees. You want a software written without bugs? Get a Chinese person to do it. You want a doctor to operate on you? Get a Chinese person to do it. You get the drift. Sadly, this form of upbringing makes for poor entrepreneurs. The perfectionist, play-it-safe upbringing makes for a terrible skill set for striking out on one's own. The fear of failure and, therefore, loss of face is too great. A Chinese upbringing makes for too much emphasis to be placed on getting the right credentials and not developing a skill set.

What skills are needed? In my opinion, the ones listed below:
1. Self-esteem. To start a business or move up in the corporate ladder one needs self-esteem. Being a worker bee trapped in a cubicle, while safe, is a soul-sucking existence.
2. Networking. Controlling the types of people one's children come in contact with, leaves that person in a poor position to be able to relate to others. Many Chinese people have a hard time relating to non-Chinese people.

3. Broad knowledge. Thinking that one has the right credentials guarantees life long income and comfort is wrong headed. As the economy changes, getting more credentials only means one becomes more and more specialized. The more specialized one becomes the less able to adapt to change. Also, credentialism has little to do with intelligence or knowledge.

What happens to these Chinese kids in the real world? They've gone to be best universities and have seemingly successful careers, yet they are "socially autistic". They become disillusioned with their life's path, which leads to bitterness.

I think life has to be a balancing act. Only focusing on getting "A's" in school, being the best in piano, etc. with nothing else to make one a well-rounded person makes for a sad, shallow existence. Life is a challenge. Being so caught up being the best, creates more stress and challenges.

I'm Not Dead

Sorry for the dearth of posts. It seems that as a blog ages, the posts become less frequent.

Things with Sybil and me are pretty good right now. It comes down to acceptance. She is starting to accept my faults, instead of trying to change them. I'm starting to accept the fact that this is as good as it gets. With the exception of her over the top, exaggerated histrionics, she's a pretty decent wife. Naturally, I wish the sex was better. I guess vanilla ice cream is better than no ice cream.

After over 17 years of marriage, it boils down to love. What is love, though? It isn't that tingly feeling that one gets. It is much calmer. Although I wish the lust portion of our marriage was better, I think we are more in love now than we have been in a long time. We still have a our blow-ups, but she is more calmer. I think Sybil decided to make peace with me. I think I have decided to make peace with her. That is the key to it.

People spend so much of their time being resentful that it becomes like a virus. When a virus infects a cell, it takes over the machinery of the cell. The cell starts producing more viruses that are spread to more cells and so on. Stopping the process of resentment infection can be very difficult. Forgiving someone for a slight (either real or perceived) is very key. Oh sure we can say, "I forgive you," but until that is in one's heart, it's meaningless. Many people have resentment towards their spouse and can't let it go. This leads to divorce which is very destructive on so many levels. That destruction can be staved off by forgiveness. Sounds so simple, yet it is so hard.

That's why I haven't been posting much. Sybil and I have come to a consensus. This blog was about my struggles with Sybil. Since we haven't been struggling as much, I don't have as much to post about. I will be posting, periodically. The focus will, probably, change to other topics. Topics that I have been thinking about as far as marriage in general, rather than focusing on my marriage only.

Thanks for reading this pitiful wretch's blog. Life is a struggle. We must always endeavor to persevere.

New Horizon or SSDD*?

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":

1. Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
   
2. Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
   
3. On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
4. Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
   
5. Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."

Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.


*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.

This Sums It All Up

Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. His Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.