The Long Awaited Drama Post

So Sybil and I are lying the bed watching The Nativity is on one of the movie networks. We come to the end of the movie, and Jesus is born. Sybil says, "God must like sin."

To me, that is a bold statement. I ask what does she mean? Sybil explains that in her bible study (which she went to all of twice) they studied about a prostitute whose decedents went to become an important group of people. I've read the bible, and I was racking my brain trying to remember who that was. I felt that by understanding this example of her statement, then I could understand her statement. Sybil is sadly uneducated about the bible and chooses to live in ignorance. She could not give me a name or any more of the story. As I began probing her about who this person was, she became more and more agitated. Finally, she gave up on that line of thinking and turned to the issue that started her thoughts: the conception and birth of Jesus.

Sybil felt that an unwed mother is a sin in God's eyes, and He used this sin to save the world. I explained that, actually, there was no sin committed at all. Jesus' conception was without sin. She stated that to everyone around Mary Jesus' birth would seem sinful. I said, "Yes, but sin isn't defined by what people think." I went on talking about how man's perception of right and wrong has little to do with what actual sin is.

By this time, Sybil is quite angry. It would seem that I was attacking her. I replied that I was not attacking her personally, but yes, I was attacking her position. There is a distinction. I never called her stupid or ignorant or anything. Instead, she kept saying that focusing on the facts and not how she came to her conclusion means I was attacking her. I answered her by saying that I was debating her statement, because I thought that was one way to discover truth.

Nope. I am attacking her. I am a sad man. I only live for facts. I cannot feel or have emotion. Sybil feels sorry for the person I am. I pointed out that her statement was a personal attack. Of course, that went over like a Lead Zeppelin. In the end I could not make her see that I was not taking the conversation into a personal level. Since Sybil is all of the time accusing me of not paying attention to what she says, I explained that I was taking great pains to understand her.

I guess I am not allowed to challenge her beliefs. I should just let her go about her life in ignorance. If I try to show that I am truly engaged in the conversation and really trying to understand how she feels, I am attacking her. Is it possible that her insecurities have made her a sad, superficial person? Any challenge to her beliefs or thoughts is met with personal attack. How is one supposed to have a meaningful relationship with someone like that?

Hopeless.

By the way, Happy New Year.

A Little Change for the New Year

I've changed my picture due to the drama that is my life. I have a wonderful post exemplifying that coming in a few days. I think everyone will be amazed.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was pretty good.

A Day Without Drama is Like a Day Without Sunshine

Well folks, I haven't posted in awhile. Too much stuff going on here. Running 3 kids around creation, working 10 hour days, etc. It's very hard to keep the blog up to the usual posting that I had so long ago. Of course it doesn't help that I seem to be blogging about the same things constantly.

Let's take drama, for instance. Why is it that many like to create drama in their lives? Why is it that women disproportionately do the creating? Is it the feeling of "victimhood" that drives them? Are they trying to get attention? Why do it? It seems to me to expend a lot of energy keeping that constant state of drama going. Am I the problem? Maybe I'm too lazy?

Let me give you an example. Last night after taking Son#2 and Daughter to buy a present for their teachers, picking up Son#1 from swim practice, getting Son#2 some McD's, dropping Son#2 off at basketball practice, going to Subw** with the other kids, I decide to call Sybil. Sybil was at church helping with an activity. I had no way of knowing when she would be done. I thought I could drop off Son#1 and Daughter with their food at church, so she could take them home (it was now about 7:45 PM). I would stay at Son#2's basketball practice, since it was not scheduled to be over until 9:00 PM. Anyway, I'm standing in line at Subw** having already ordered the kids' food and mine. I decide to call Sybil to see what she would want, and I would bring it to her. Little did I know I had become a contestant on "Guess What I'm Thinking."

Sybil informed me that I know what she wants. She wants the warm sandwich that she got last time, "You know the one." Now, Sybil really isn't into sandwiches. She rarely eats at Subw**. I think the last time was around 4 months ago. The last sandwich wasn't a warm one. Naively, I ask for more information. She gets irritated and tells me that I should know. It's what we always get. Um, that wasn't the case last time. She isn't helpful because she can't remember the name of the sandwich.

About this time, Sybil pulls into the parking lot and walks into the establishment. She looks at the menu and points out the sandwich in question and orders it. I knew I was in for it.

I have made her feel like a second thought. By calling her AFTER I ordered and not remembering the correct sandwich, I have made her feel unloved. I have confirmed that I really only care about myself. I have confirmed that she will always be alone in this marriage just like her aunt predicted, when she was a child. In just a few statements she made me feel very small.

Silly me. I thought I was trying to be helpful. She was stuck at church with no supper. The kids wanted to go home. I felt that calling her, bringing her the food she wanted, and letting her take the kids home would be a good thing. A helpful thing. Nope. How ignorant of me. I, obviously, don't really care about her.

Drama. A person that was not into creating drama would have seen another putting forth an effort to be helpful. A Drama Queen, a Sybil, would only see things as some other disappointment. No matter how things are done, it will never be right. Drama Queens cannot kick back and enjoy themselves. Life only has meaning, if there is conflict. Drama Queens love to stir the pot and create controversy. WHY? Can someone tell me why? Why? Why all of the fuss? Why make a big deal out of not remember a freakin' sandwich from this past summer?

Help me understand.

Drama Post Part II

Ok, I was wrong. After having a terribly long, painful, emotionally fraught discussion last night. Sybil was angry with my selfishness. When I chose to go home for lunch yesterday instead of meeting friend's mom for lunch at fast food restaurant (which I don't like), I was being selfish.

In truth, I was being selfish. I didn't want to spend my limited lunch time at this establishment, so I chose to go home. Sybil feels that I should have pushed my feelings about the fast food restaurant aside, had lunch with friend's mom, and taken Son#2 back to the office. Should I have? Friend's mom did not indicate any need to hurry and leave the eatery. As I said in the last post, she told me that they had just sat down and began to eat. It seemed, to me, it was a win-win situation. Son#2 got to hang out with his friend, and I got to go home and relax for lunch. Apparently, I only cared about myself.

Is it true? Probably. By nature, I tend to think how something will affect me first. That doesn't mean that I won't be helping others, or anything. That only means I think of myself first. In a strictest sense, I am selfish. However, does that mean I only take care of myself first? I don't think so. One of the reasons for my lack of posting here and commenting on other sites is lack of time. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't have time to post at all. Outside of work, I have about 30 minutes of free time a day (including weekends).

That's right 30 minutes. The only reason I have that is because I get up at 6 am. When I finally get home (usually after 8 pm due to kids' activities), I can't enjoy any "selfish pursuits." If I were to start reading a book, Sybil would get annoyed because I am ignoring her. If I play on the computer, I am being selfish for not spending time with Sybil. As I read that, it makes me wonder who is selfish?

What this all boils down to is "what's the big deal?" What is the worst that could happen? Is it the end of the world? I usually say, "No, it isn't that big of a deal." I think therein lies the problem. For Sybil EVERYTHING is a big deal. Kind of a "take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves."

By the way, the only person that was inconvenienced was me. I didn't get to have any lunch.

Drama Post

I haven't posted a drama post in a while. I've got a good one for today.

To set it up: the kids are out of school for Veteran's Day. Son#1 has a doctor's appointment at 11:00 am. Son #2 spent the night at a friend's house. I'm the only one that got up and went to work (I went home briefly for lunch; the house was still a mess).

It's 12:15 pm, and I'm leaving my office to have lunch. I check my phone for text messages and read:

Talked to friend's mom am. Still have son#2 and said she will dropoff son#2 @ office before going to place am. Just FYI! She called...going to fast food restaurant for lunch. Call to make arrangements. Piano @ 1:45pm.

Unfortunately, I haven't shifted gears mentally from work to personal. I skimmed the message. I missed "Call to make arrangements." I got hung up on FYI. Since Sybil and the other two kids are stuck at the doctor's office, I was on my own for lunch. Now, I hate going to fast food restaurant. The food is overpriced, doesn't fill me up, and the traffic to and fro is horrible. I decide to get gas and run home for a quick lunch and be back in time for friend's mom to drop off Son#2. I get a text message from Sybil instructing me to call friend's mom (Sybil is stuck in a doctor's office and doesn't want to use the cell phone). I call friend's mom, and she says they have just sat down and started eating. Well, I figure no problem. The SOP is eat and then play a while on the indoor playground. I've got time for lunch at home and be back at the office before Son#2 has to be dropped off.

I'm sitting at home about to eat lunch, when I get a voice call from Sybil. When she finds out I'm at home, she goes ballistic. She wants to know why I'm at home, when friend's mom has to go to
place! I should have gone to fast food restaurant and had lunch there and taken Son#2 with me back to the office to make it easier on friend's mom. I explained that I had talked with her, and she told me they had just sat down to eat. Sybil continues to go off. Didn't I read her text message? Didn't I see where they were going to place? I said I read it, but I didn't think they had to go to place right now. The kids had just started eating lunch. No! Friend's mom has to go now. I say "Ok, ok. I'll go and get Son#2. I've got time. I'm sorry. I must have misread the text message." Sybil says that she should have known better than to schedule something that has to have me involved in it. She should have known to make sure she can do it by herself, because I am unable or unwilling to help out.

I'm in dog house big time here. I should have taken more time and reread the text message. I feel that it is an honest mistake. However, I guess I make too many of those.

Really?!?

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.

Who's Your Inner European?

Marriage, Toughest Job You'll Ever Love?

It's been awhile, so I guess I should post something.

I once wrote that I needed to post something negative about myself, instead of focusing on Sybil's negatives. So you will be treated to a bit of introspection.

1. I tend to focus on something to the exclusion of everything else. If I am reading a book, I will close myself off from everything else. Since Sybil is not a reader, she gets very annoyed, whenever I am. This makes her feel ignored (a VERY big pet peeve).
2. Daydreaming. I daydream. I can get a little spacey. This causes me to miss parts of conversations. By missing parts of conversations, I miss important information.
3. I have problems with people telling what to do. A case in point happened last Thursday evening. I am putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. We have these plastic cups that we got from restaurants for our kids. Naturally, they are different sizes. I placed a smaller cup into a larger cup. Sybil did not like that and asked me to keep the sizes together. This rankled me. A fight ensued because I refused to be told how to stack plastic cups.
4. As demonstrated here, I have a fear of confrontation. I have a real fear of the emotions that go along with confrontation. I am afraid of what the end result might be.

These are just scratching the surface. However, these problems can and have caused real problems between Sybil and me. The first two alone account for an estimated 85% of our arguements. I seem unable to improve on them. It, defintely, keeps things interesting.

Letting Go

Thank you to everyone that commented on my last post. No, Sybil and I will not be divorcing anytime soon. I know, I know there are literally...one or two ladies that are saddened by this. A commenter suggested that I should just leave her, and my life would be better.

Ahh...if it were that easy. I'm sure anyone that has gone through divorce will tell you that leaving someone is not an easy thing to do. Yes, Sybil has a way of driving me insane. Yes, she can invoke a sense of quiet desperation. Is that a reason to leave her? Like any big decision, one must way the pros and the cons.

Now, I have done that before on this blog. To sum it up, the grass would not be greener elsewhere. The damage done to my children, my finances, is too great to risk. Also, what one sees on this blog is a small microcosm of my life. Remember, I started the blog to "vent my spleen."

One of the reasons for my lack of posting is my "letting go." I can't get bogged down in the petty drama that Sybil (and many women, in my experience) produces. Having "discussions" over petty, little things all of the time is counter productive, but that is Sybil. She worries about the little things in hopes that the big things take care of themselves. I've decided that she can worry about the small stuff. I'll let that be her "job." I find that people that worry about the small stuff tend to be stressed out all of the time. Whenever I do that, I know I am.

One benefit of this blog is letting me peek into other marriages/relationships. Having done so, I see that mine is pretty good. I read many that complain about their spouses (who doesn't). I guess I prefer the evil I know to the evil I don't know. Blogging has definitely helped me keep things in perspective. That isn't easy. We tend to get wrapped up in our own drama. We tend to forget the pain that others are suffering. Also, we tend to think we are alone in the struggle.

So, for the benefit of my marriage, my relationship with my children, and my mental health, I must work on letting some things go. Now, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm sure I don't have the readership that I did. I probably will continue posting, but the posting will be less about Sybil and my drama and more about relationships in general.

Until then, hasta la vista.

The Saga Continues

Last night Sybil came home from Bonko with an interesting observation: the other women were amazed that she wins all of the arguments. The running joke I have is that, when I said "I do," my balls were locked up with Sybil having the key.

That indicates to me that much of what Sybil is I've allowed to be created. By not standing up for myself, I allowed her to fill that void. The problem lies in our different personalities. In an old post I mentioned that Sybil has a "scorched earth" style of arguing. She is VERY persistent and stubborn. Once she stakes out her position, it is a monumental task to change that position. Unfortunately, I tend to try to be a consensus builder. I want everyone to be happy. I want both sides to be heard and to meet somewhere in the middle. Mix in an aversion to confrontation and that adds up to a monster that, although I didn't create, I allowed to roam free.

I need to improve my debating style. I need to stake out my position and, rationally, defend it. It stems from a form of laziness. When these arguments come about, it's usually at the end of the day, and I'm tired (Sybil operates on ~9 hours of sleep. I get ~6).

Honestly, if it weren't for the kids and my fear of poverty, I would have left already. I hate thinking that, much less typing that. I was brought up to believe that married people stay married, no matter how painful it is. Also, this goes against my Judeo-Christian beliefs. Probably the kids and the fact that divorce courts are stacked against men hold more power over me.

To be continued...

Meeting Myself Coming

Things are still pretty busy with work and personal life. Apparently, I'm down to monthly posting. Part of the reason is that Sybil and I are spending A LOT of time together. Since work has become more than I can handle alone, I've brought her in to help. With her detail oriented, micromanaging style, it's a wonder we're still together. Love is a many a wonderful thing.

Nothing exciting to report on the home front. We've had a couple of blowups but nothing major. After a lot of introspection, I'm beginning to think that my libido isn't down. I'm beginning to think its my desire for Sybil that is. Don't get me wrong, I love Sybil. I think I need a break from her. Not a separation or anything. Just some time to myself. I have a hard time being with the same person (friend or significant other) all the time. I just need a break.

Hopefully, I'll be posting more than monthly. We'll see.

Later...

Alive!

Sorry for the hiatus. I've been extremely busy, and Sybil has been with me at the office everyday. That leaves little room for blogging. I'm sure my readership is in about one a week. I'll be posting more in the future. Things will normalize once the kids are back in school, and the office becomes less crazy.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other, yet. We've had fewer incidents than average. The one that continues is my lack of interest in sex. I'm not sure what the problem is. I don't know, if it is all of the past 14 years' of crap, stress from work, boredom (her boundaries), or what. I know she is disappointed. Maybe I'm bored? I'm sure that some think I've got it great, but straight missionary sex with me doing all of the work becomes...work.

Gotta run. Both of you that are still reading my blog: good to see you.

I'm not Dead, Yet. I'm Beginning to Feel Better

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. We've been doing a lot of traveling. We took our first real vacation last week. After 14 years of marriage, it's about time. There's nothing like a seven hour car ride with Sybil to make me want to take up drinking.

Yep, seven hours of reliving my past mistakes. Reexamining my life under the microscope. I won't bore you with details, dear reader. I wish I could say I'm happy to be back at work. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, Sybil is having help out in the office. It's 24/7 stress. Great fun!

Oh, my libido? Dead.

I'll try to be more diligent in posting.

Hope for the Beast

Take heart you hopelessly men. If this guy can get an attractive ex-model, there's hope for you.

This image just reaffirms the stereotype of the ugly guy with the hot woman. Why is that? What does that guy have that enables him to get the girl?

Personally, I believe it's a combination of things.

1. Money. I know I'll come across as...well...old-fashioned, but women like to feel secure. Salman Rushdie is a successful author. He has made quite a living off of his books. When the Ayatollah "of Rock and Rolla" Khomeini issued his fatwa, that was the best publicity he could have gotten. Thus he was able to sell more books.
2. Confidence. Women are attracted to men that are confident, not necessarily cocky. A confident man exudes an aura that attracts women and other men. Think of Alpha Male. The main dog in the pack (there, that will score me some points with women).
   
3. He asked. How many times do attractive women sit around and whine about not being asked out? Many men are too scared of rejection to ask out a women that he perceives to be out his league. Men adhere to the "Ladder Theory". This ties in with #2. Also, men with money tend to be confident.
   

The Beauty and the Beast story has been around for ages. Yet, we are still fascinated by it. Gorgeous women (and maybe men) attached to shlumpy men.

I'm Back

Yep, like a bad penny, I keep popping up.

I got back home late Sunday night, but because of work and overall fatigue, I haven't posted until today. Sorry.

Sybil and the kids are still at her parents house and won't be home until Monday, so I've been livin' the dream of bachelorhood. Well, not really. Sybil can still reach out and touch me and does everyday. We've only had one argument on the phone. I'm sure that'll change when she comes back home.

Funny thing, my libido has come back with a vengeance. I wonder how long that will last? I'm feeling a little...er...anxious.

Nothing interesting to write about. Since this blog was a way to vent my frustrations brought on by my marriage, I have less to write about. With Sybil not around, I have nothing to blog about. I guess that means she is my source of excitement.

Sad.

I'm Outta Here!

I'll be gone until next Monday.

Sybil + traveling + her parents + kids + STRESS = a good blog post in the works.

Later.

14

years of marriage. Sybil and I celebrated our fourteenth anniversary yesterday. Who would have thought.

Ahh, I remember it well.

We were in grad school. She had not been feeling well. I told her she was pregnant and needed to get tested. She thought no it was a only a stomach thing. So one month later, we are at a Planned Parenthood place to get her tested. Yep, she's pregnant. Now, Sybil will say I took her to an abortion clinic to get tested. Although it was an abortion clinic, I took her to a place that offered free testing. We were poor students with no health insurance.

After much soul searching, I asked Sybil, "Well, do you wanna?" I know. I'm a hopeless romantic. We went to the court house and got married on the anniversary of the judge, who had also gotten married by a judge. For our reception dinner, we went to Wendy's. We topped it off with a Frosty. The next day we drove across the state for our honeymoon. Sybil had morning sickness the WHOLE TIME. It rained.

We've survived a lot: 3 unexpected pregnancies (she's Catholic...that's my story and I'm sticking to it), stress of grad school, poverty, success, etc.

I blogged about all of the crap I put up with with Sybil. I'm not truly over it, yet. However, I'd rather have to deal with her crap than learn someone else's. When someone here asks why don't I divorce her, it's rather simple: I love her.

Damn it.

"Knocked Up" a Movie Review

I don't usually do movie reviews, but Sybil and I caught Knocked Up last night. For those of you that don't know what it's about, the story revolves around a woman, Alison, that becomes pregnant from a one night stand. She tells the man and hilarity ensues. This movie struck pretty close to home because it a lot of similarities to what Sybil and I went through.

Although our first born is not the product of a one nighter (we had been dating for about 6 months), we weren't married nor prepared for her pregnancy. At first blush, one might think that I would most identify with the Ben, the man involved in the one nighter. He is a happy go lucky kind of guy. He is sailing through life rudderless. His main objective is to smoke dope and run a website that tracks nude scenes. However, as the movie unfolded I found myself identifying with Pete. Pete is Alison's brother-in-law. We learn that Pete and Debbie (Alison's sister) also "had to get married." The audience sees Pete and Debbie as two over-achieving persons. However, there is a lot of tension and conflict between Pete and Debbie. They are what Alison and Ben fear becoming. The line uttered by Debbie: "You criticize them a lot, and they get so down on themselves that they're forced to change." reveals her philosophy about being married to Pete. Debbie soon becomes convinced that Pete is having an affair and sneaks into the house where he is and confronts him. I won't give it away.

The rest of the story is typical. Alison and Ben have a baby and live happily ever after.

The reason I wanted to write about this movie is the relationship of Debbie and Pete. It struck very close to home. Debbie is a controlling harpy and Pete is a spineless noodle. Pete chooses conflict avoidance and turns to sneaking out of the house to get away from Debbie. Although it is apparent that Pete and Debbie love each other, they are doomed for marital struggle. Kind of like Sybil and me.

Sybil's constant barrage of criticism mixed with my tendency towards conflict avoidance is a volatile mixture. Instead of trying to be a little laid back and trying to accept each other for how we are, Sybil and I are constantly butting heads. When she gets on a roll, there is no stopping her. After a while I find myself wanting to tune her out. Since her main pet peeve is not being listened to, this only exacerbates the problem. Round and round we go.

If you want insight into my marriage, watch this movie. However, don't focus on the main story line. Instead, focus on the subplot as marriage is examined. Although this movie earned its "R" rating, it is a very funny movie. If you like 40 Year-Old Virgin, then this movie is right up your alley.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

*WARNING* Too much information.

I think now is a good time to revisit a subject that has been bothering me for a long time: by lagging libido.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty typical in that I wanted to have sex ALL OF THE TIME. Looking back, it seems that was all that was on my mind. Girls were developing all sorts of interesting aspects to their anatomy, and I was enjoying the development. The girls I dated usually kept the brakes on, so I was not having any sex (if you believe Bill Clinton). At least not sexual intercourse. It wasn't until I was a senior in high school that I had my first episode of sexual intercourse. It was less than I expected.

In college I had intercourse with 3 women, but did other things with about 3 more. I was still wanting it ALL OF THE TIME. However, I learned that sex usually came with an emotional price tag. I wouldn't have sex unless we both used the "L" word. I felt I was pretty normal in my desire for sex ALL OF THE TIME.

In grad school, the class work was much more intense. I took about 25 hours of classes each quarter. There was little time for meeting the opposite sex, except for those in the same grad school. Since it was a very small school and many were married, the odds were against me. I met Sybil there, and we became very serious. We had SEX ALL OF THE TIME.

Sybil became pregnant, I loved her and couldn't imagine not raising my child, so I married her. For the first few years we had SEX some OF THE TIME. However, it wasn't until we were married that Sybil showed "Sybil-ness." During this time I came to realize that she has a temper. A really quick, bad temper. Having grown up in a house with a woman that could quickly become unhinged (a topic for another post...Freud would love it), I learned to walk on eggshells. When Sybil is in her sweet mode, she is very caring and loving. When she is in her pissed off mode, there is nothing on this side of hell that would change her emotional state.

Today, I am facing a change in my libido. Why is this? I could have SEX ALL OF THE TIME. Sybil is accommodating. This has really bothered me. I've even talked to my doctor about it. He knows the kind of stress I have with my profession, so he chalked it up to that. I agree it is stressful, but I'm not sure it is work related. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing things. Work tends to stay at work, and home tends to stay at home. If I've had a really bad day at work, I may need about an hour to regroup. Afterwards, I'm fine. Nope. I think it is the stress and strain of home.

Home should be a refuge. Home should be a fortress against the world. For me home has increasingly become more stressful than anything at the office. There have been times that I would rather stay at the office than go home. That is one of the things affecting my libido.

My decreased desire to have SEX ALL OF THE TIME with Sybil has nothing to do with her outward appearance. When we go out, men turn their heads to watch her. She is still very attractive. In fairness to Sybil, it is not all because of her emotional issues. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of the work. I get tired of plain, ol' vanilla sex.

Her idea of foreplay: holding my hand right before she falls into the land of Nod. Wow. That really revs my engine. When we have sex, it is mainly on me. I have to be the one to take charge. I don't mind doing it some of the time, but all of the time becomes tiring. I have to deal with that in deciding what to have for lunch. Rarely does she decide that, much less how to have sex.

So that's the situation. What is to be done? Talking? Right, that always fixes things. I've done it until I could puke coat hangers. Unfortunately, we're dealing with basic personality issues. Those cannot be talked away. Confronting someone on every, single issue eventually will make that person avoid one like the plague. Compromise is good, when BOTH do it.

I hope you've enjoyed me venting my spleen.

Tagged

LBP has tagged me. He is interested to know who I've played or would want to play in some sort of drama. Since this helps to take my mind of the drama in my life, I'll play along.

In high school I was a thesbian. That's TH not L, although I enjoy having sex with women. I guess in that way I do have lesbian tendencies. But I digress.

I was involved in drama, and I was on the speech team in high school. I was pretty decent. My best friend and I did a duet acting piece and came in 6th in the state. It was pretty funny piece from a serious play dealing with Viet Nam veterans in a VA hospital. I played a dumb hick. I'm a character actor. I was also involved in the high school musicals. Since I can't sing, I was relegated to playing bit parts. The drama teacher promised my friend and me a play just for those that can act but cannot sing. Alas, it was never meant to be.

I'm not sure what character I'd like to play. Some of the characters I've enjoyed watching were: Josey Wales, Porter (Mel Gibson's Payback), etc. These characters share some common traits: a prickly nature, goal oriented, moral flexibility. Although I tend to be goal oriented, most people around me find me to be a lot of fun. I like cracking jokes and making those around me feel at ease with me. Go figure.

Pretty accurate

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Neo orthodox 79% Emergent/Postmodern 71% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Reformed Evangelical 57% Roman Catholic 54% Fundamentalist 39% Classical Liberal 39% Modern Liberal 29% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

This little quiz was accurate because I've been thoroughly indoctrinated by the Methodist faith my whole life.

Run Away! Run Away!

Came across this post. Amanda is complaining that her boyfriend won't do anything around the house, and the things he does do are not to her specifications.

This post brings up an interesting dichotomy in my marriage. Sybil is much more...shall we say...particular on how things are done. If I am folding clothes and do not fold UNDERSHIRTS to her specifications, then she gets her feelings hurt. If I am loading the dishwasher and do not PREWASH the dishes before washing them, then she gets her feelings hurt. I remember the time that Son #1, a friend, friend's son and I were going backpacking. Sybil was still sound asleep, when we left. Needing a spatula, I grabbed what was the oldest, most used one to take along. About 45 minutes into the drive, I get a phone call from an irate Sybil because I grabbed her FAVORITE spatula. Hell, I didn't know she knew how to cook (since we eat out ~99% of the time), much less had a favorite spatula.

Reading Amanda's post made me think of how things will go with her boyfriend. Since he will not do anything to her specifications, she will nag at him for not doing a good enough job. She will forget that he is trying to please her, and she will only focus on what a moron he is for forgetting that the proper way to fold clothes is her way. Said boyfriend will decide it isn't worth the aggravation and quit doing it. This isn't being passive-aggressive. There have been many "discussions" about these certain things. In order to maintain some semblance of peace, the boyfriend will, simply, stop.

Amanda will not see herself as being that anal retentive. She, instead, will focus only on the boyfriend and his apparent need to make her angry. As an aside, no man purposefully tries to make his wife/girlfriend angry, playful jibing, maybe but not angry. As time marches on Amanda will come to feel that her boyfriend is lazy and doesn't want to help out because he expects her to do everything. They will fall into the cliche of the woman doing all of the housework. Her resentment towards him will grow. Eventually, they will break up.

A few questions:

1. Why is HER way the ONLY way?
2. Is there no credit for the attempt or is it pass/fail?
3. Does Amanda (and women like her) need to grow up?

Avoiders Anonymous (AA)

Nag coiled himself down, coil by coil, round the bulge at the bottom of the water jar, and Rikki-tikki stayed still as death. After an hour he began to move, muscle by muscle, toward the jar. Nag was asleep, and Rikki-tikki looked at his big back, wondering which would be the best place for a good hold. "If I don't break his back at the first jump," said Rikki, "he can still fight. And if he fights--O Rikki!" He looked at the thickness of the neck below the hood, but that was too much for him; and a bite near the tail would only make Nag savage. "It must be the head"' he said at last; "the head above the hood. And, when I am once there, I must not let go." Then he jumped.

Riki-Tikki-Tavi
Rudyard Kippling

FTN's post about being an avoider for a day was quite the interesting read. His writing shows how a normally confrontational person tries to tone it down. He tries to not let Autumn in on every, single thing that is annoying him. Finally, he can stand it no longer and nearly explodes.

I am happy that FTN is able to be that confrontational with Autumn. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Being an avoider is no fun. Although confronting the person, who wrongs you, is the best course of action, that can lead to unexpected results. Both Sybil and my mother were (are) emotionally labile.

Although I don't want to turn this post into one about my mother (I'm saving that for later for all of you followers of Freud), I learned from an early age to avoid her temper at all costs. She was not an easy woman to live with. My father could seek refuge from her at work, but I had to wait until school to have my refuge. Sybil is a little like my mother. Whenever I confront her on an issue, I find myself being flailed around the room, metaphorically speaking. By changing the subject or bringing up my faults, she makes confrontation very difficult. In an effort to maintain peace and tranquility, I find myself swallowing my issues.

That was it means to be an avoider. By being non-confrontational, one tries to maintain the peace at any costs. Kind of like France. Intellectually, I know this will only lead to an invasion of Poland, but in the short run that seems easier. It's only Poland. Because I know what eventually happened in Europe by not confronting an aggressor until it was too late, I have worked very hard on improving my communication skills and confrontational skills.

AA people tend to become passive-aggressive. That is the pitfall of trying to maintain peace "in our time." The irritations are still there, but we don't deal well with them. Instead, we circumvent the confrontation process and use sneaky methods. I am ashamed to admit that I have caught myself doing that, rarely. That is something that I always guard against.

As hard it was for FTN to avoid all of his issues for a day, it is just as hard for a non-confrontational person to be confrontational for a day. It means we have to expect an unpleasant reaction. We must go against our conditioning. It is hard work for us too.

Law of Unintended Consequences

Things have calmed down to certain peace. Sybil apologized for her actions; I apologized for mine. Yet, there seems to be a lingering after effect. I'm not sure Sybil feels the same as me, but I feel a loss of connection. After all of the arguments and fights we've had, each one has left me feeling battered and bruised. I'm not sure I feel resentment towards her, but I feel trepidation about what to do or say. I feel that the reaction I'll get is more than I can handle.

Grabbing the tiger by its tail is a dangerous situation. To keep from grabbing the tail, I feel that I must act differently. I must watch each and every word and weigh its potential meanings carefully. I know that we all must do that in polite society; it is difficult to manage in the privacy of my own home. I cannot speak freely; I cannot act freely. Since I have not been one deal well with authority, this is a burden.

If one is in a truly intimate relationship, shouldn't that person be, relatively, free to speak and act? I could understand, if I were abusive. Am I this horrible person, or am I stuck in a hopeless situation? No one likes to think of themselves in a negative light. Am I in denial, or am I a selfish, unthinking bastard? Is Sybil right or am I?

Confrontation is a good thing, but over time constant confrontation over everything can lead to a feeling of despair. When something really important needs to be addressed, it can be lost in the noise of all of the other issues. The person being confronted begins to feel like a failure. I believe in carrot and stick approach can work, but what if there is no carrot?

Update

Thank you to those that commented on my last post.

Well, it was the calm before the storm.

Yesterday, Sybil and I had a huge fight. She was cursing (something she rarely does) and crying, and I was cursing (something I rarely do in front of her) and yelling. Nothing was resolved. I hope to smooth things over better today. I have come realize that I was wrong to reveal how I felt in public. I should have waited until we were alone and confronted her. Unfortunately, she never admitted to any wrong doing.

On the baseball bag incident, Sybil merely said that she misspoke, when she said "we". If she saw my point of view, she never indicated that to me. She could only see it as me blowing up for a comment that she made about "me" moving the bags. Towards the end of the argument, Sybil wondered why the kids and I think she is snapping at us, when she knows that she isn't. I thought that was telling, but I will wait until things are a little quieter to broach that subject. Anyway, I was wrong to show public irritation with her; I should have bit my tongue and confronted her later. However, she has indicated no wrongdoing.

As for the store incident, Sybil was stressing out because my parents about to pay for the items being purchased. She said what she said out of frustration. She really did not want my parents paying for anything, since they were our guests. I did get an apology of sorts. She did say she was sorry, but she yelled it at me with no remorse. Again, I should have not shown my irritation in public but waited until later. Again, she has indicated no remorse.

Lastly, Sybil did not wear her ring all day yesterday. Is it that easy to take off? I have not taken mine off for more than five minutes in nearly fourteen years. Sybil has always maintained that, although she may angry with me, she never stops loving me. Am I supposed to believe that? What I believe is that this supposed to make me be scared for our future. Even though I made mistakes in this, I do not feel the normal amount of remorse. If Sybil showed a little more responsibility for her part of the problem, I might be a little more contrite. Maybe I feel this is a bit of a tempest in a teapot? Maybe I feel that her behavior goes beyond the pale? I could understand if I was out all night and came home smelling of cheap perfume and cheaper booze (or versa visa), but reacting to how she was treating me? I feel as though my feelings are not taken seriously. When I tell that, I get excuses and other rhetoric. I do not get "you might be right. I'm sorry." After telling her that all I wanted was some acknowledgment of how she made me feel, I did not get that. I got excuses. I'm a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" would have sufficed.

Developing...

Silence is Golden?

Well, this weekend was almost fun with Sybil. My parents spent the weekend with us. Since the drive is about 6 to 7 hours, we don't see them too often. Son#2 had a baseball tournament, and it rained.

We had managed to play two games before the rain started to come down. Between games the players and parents were standing under an awning trying to keep dry. Sybil sees this and says,"We should move their baseball bags out of the rain and put them under this awning." I grab my son's bag first and put it under the awning. I turn to Sybil, and she was sitting in a folding chair. She sees me standing there and says something to the effect of "Well, aren't you going to bring the other bags in?" There was no mention nor any indication that she was going to get off her duff and help. I give my patented "Eat S@#t and Die" look and mumble a smart remark. I grab the bags and place them under the awning. Whatever.

Driving home from the game, we decide to stop at the grocery store to pick up some essentials. We are in the check out lane, and Sybil realizes that she doesn't have her grocery store member card with her. I know that this important because she loves the fact that she gets an extra few cents off per gallon of gas, if she puts so much on the card. I, happily, go out into the cold rain and get her other purse from the car. I bring the purse to the checkout lane and hand it to her. She says, "You didn't have to bring the whole purse. All I needed was the card." No expression of gratitude. I give her another look. Whatever.

When we get home, I notice that I'm getting the silent treatment. With my parents still there, I do not want to make a big fuss over anything. I wait until I know everyone is asleep, and I ask her what is wrong. Sybil is "disappointed" with me because of how I acted in front of friends and my parents. She makes no mention of her actions, which created my reaction. When I point out her actions and her rudeness, there is no apology, there isn't even a coherent excuse. Sybil is focused on how I acted in front others. Granted I could have acted better. I could have waited until no one was around and point out the error of her ways, but couldn't she have treated me better in front of others, too? Couldn't she have been nicer (or at least polite)?

We are at a stalemate. Sybil will not admit any wrong doing. Since my reactions were a response to her rudeness, I cannot admit any wrong doing. Also, I know that if I had done the same thing to her, I would have been chewed out. Although I could have handled myself better, Sybil has to realize that she not innocent either. So now she is not talking to me. I initiated conversation last night, which went nowhere. Silence is golden? Or, is silence the calm before the storm?

Dealing with Anger

so gone over you made an astute observation:

But seriously, if Sybil acts this way, somewhere along the line, YOU allowed it. People only treat you the way you allow them to.

I would agree that I enabled Sybil's bad behavior. When her vitriol is directed at me, I seem to have my shields down. After 14 years of marriage I, her verbal body blows seem to catch unprepared. I find myself reacting to her. My past mistake was not calling her on how she shows her anger. That was then.

I still have a lot of work to do in the arena of marital combat. However, I have started calling Sybil on her behavior. By doing this, I hope to be able to "nip it in the bud." I am not always successful. Being from a long line of avoiders, confrontation is not my strong suit. Confronting a volatile personality is even more difficult.

Sybil has started being more in control of her reactions. That is not to say that she is perfect, but it does mean that our conflicts are more of a small conflagration rather than a full blown smack down. I have also learned methods to help diffuse the situation. If she makes a coherent case for being angry with me, I'll apologize quicker than before. If she is just angry to be angry, then I do not respond.

No! Really?!?

Science has proven what I've always believed: women are angrier than men.

How often have we seen a wife talk down to her husband? Hit her husband for a silly comment? Have we come to believe nothing of it?

As cataloged here, my marital experiences mirror the results of the study. Sybil is allowed to get angry over any, little thing. Although she is not passive - aggressive, she has to really work to control her anger. Truly, she feels that she is justified in her behavior. Her reaction to me is my fault, I am able to control her emotions (apparently).

One of the comments posted on Dr. Helen's blog might shed some incite:

Well in a futile attempt at getting back to the question at hand, my experience has been that women behave passive-aggressively by demonstrating disapproval. For all our bluster, boys and men seek the approval of women. It begins sometime in middle school. I would venture that few men had girls falling at their feet but rather were consigned to trying to gain some girl's attention from amongst the multitudes of admires. This awareness of women's approval or disapproval becomes a primal force. Many women I've experienced understand this and use it as a weapon. It is usually worse when the man is not meeting some unspoken expectation of the woman. Not keeping her in the manner she feels she should or not having the job she feels is more socially appropriate. I know several men who found themselves divorced these very "failures." Not all women are like this mind you, a fortunate situation for us men. The longterm effect of this is that many men just stop seeking the company of women. At least, company not financially contracted. This generally leads to a vicious circle as women become "unhappy" at not getting the attention they desire from men at least on their terms. I experience this often in ballroom dancing, it seems many women can't suppress their displeasure at men who are learning and thus unable to produce the dance experience they desire. For some reason, they just can't comprehend that this attitude causes men to stop taking lessons and thus their are fewer men for them to dance with. I believe it stems from the habit learned in their teenage years that men exist to please them and by being petulant they get their way. They seem to not understand men adapt to this strategy by avoidance.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Digger in this post for as being on his list of thinking bloggers. That came as a surprise. When I started this blog, I never really expected anyone to read, let alone take the time to comment. I soon discovered there are many, who have issues in there relationships. Like me, they turn to the "blogosphere" to air their problems and try to work towards a resolution. Since my time is limited due to work and family obligations, I am unable to cultivate any real male friendships. I do not enjoy playing a round of golf with a friend. As my tag line says, I started this blog to vent my frustrations of being married to Sybil. It has been helpful, because I soon discovered that I'm not the crazy one. Anyway, I am very flattered to have been tagged in this matter. Now the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

The five bloggers that make me think are:

1. Joe Flirt makes me think, because he and I are in similar situations. Granted his is more extreme, but nonetheless his is a difficult situation.
2. Tajalude makes me see the other side of the coin of a male's low libido. Her husband seems to share a few traits with myself. Her blog helps give me another perspective.
3. Steve at Hog on Ice helps me think about food and cooking, which are one of my favorite things. In addition, he adds humor to social and political commentary.
   
4. Emily's Post is great blog. We see Emily struggle with her relationship and the testament that love is the glue that holds us together.
5. Although this author will not answer the tag, Vox Day makes me think due to quite different perspective in political and societal thinking. I don't always agree with what he writes, but he definitely makes me think.

I could have added other blogs, but I wanted to list those that weren't nominated (that I know of).

Back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Change of Plans

Originally, I had planned to write a post about my waning libido. Since Sybil and I had an interesting blow-up last night, you get spared that post...for a while.

Let me set the scene.
Daughter had a friend come over for an afternoon visit. It's now supper time, and we have no food in the house (naturally). Sybil recommends a certain restaurant, which everyone was in favor of, and we go eat. Around 8:15 pm we leave the restaurant to take the friend home. We arrive around 8:30 pm. We stand outside and talk for a few minutes, Sybil wants to go inside and look at our mutual friend's new cabinets. The friend and I chit-chat, and Sybil rejoins us. During the course of the conversation, the friend remarks that she is tired. I look at my watch, and see that it is nearly 8:45 pm. Since we try to have our kids in bed by 9:00 pm on a school night, I think it is time to go. I make a couple remarks to that end. Sybil indicates that it is time to go, so I get our kids loaded up in the van. The kids and I sit in the van for about 8 minutes. I see Sybil turn as if she is about to join us. She stops and resumes talking to our friend. Thinking this may be a while, I shut the engine off. Sybil gives a me a glance. After a few minutes, she joins us, being very silent. We go home.

Apparently, I am rude. I used shutting off the engine as a statement to let her know that I was more than ready to go home. When she told me that, it did make sense, and I told so. Although in my heart of hearts I did not mean that act to signify that, I can understand why shutting off the engine would be a signal. I, simply, did not want to keep the car running any longer than necessary.

As the argument progressed, I was told that I am a jerk for not having any faith in Sybil. It does not matter that a 5 minute conversation between these two women always turns into a 30 minute holding pattern. Always. I have no faith in her. Therefore, I am a jerk.

I was born a poor, black child.

Resentment

Things with Sybil are still doing ok. She hasn't had any major blow-ups in a while, to her credit. She has worked hard on realizing how her reactions get an equal reaction. Starting in "high gear" only leads another blow-up. She has worked on not allowing herself to react in that manner.

The problem, then, is me. I am have now become that which I disliked. I find myself with a short temper. I find myself on the defensive at every opportunity. It seems that I am just waiting for Sybil to become angry with me. Kind of a preemptive strike. Naturally, she reacts normally and becomes irritated with me. I am so conditioned to expect being yelled at or talked down to over small, trivial things that I tend to strike first. How did I get to this predicament? Have I always been such a jerk? Have my true colors been allowed to show?

That is the power of resentment. By not putting past events behind me, I am allowing them to dictate my present behavior. That is not healthy. By allowing this brewing storm to continue, I am adding to the volatile mixture. I know that it will take time for this to wash out of my system. I truly want this poison to leave me, yet I still have not mastered my conditioned responses.

Although I could blame Sybil for my current state, I must take responsibility for myself. I am not liking the person I have become right now. Blaming her and saying she conditioned me, is a childish reaction. Adults are supposed to own up to their part in the situation. I have not been doing that.

I want to love my wife. I want us to live to a ripe, old age together. I want us to be together as our children grow up and have children of their own. Unfortunately, right now I feel that I am faking it. I am not sure that I have an emotional connection with her. Am I "out of love" with her? I almost hesitate to think it, much less to say it. Hopefully, this is just a fleeting feeling.

Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?

I'm not dead. I'm not even very sleepy. I am EXTREMELY busy. It'll be a quick update for now:

1. Sybil is still being very amazing. I'm not sure WTF is going on, but never look a gift horse in the mouth (not that she is a horse).
   
2. My kids' activities are eating up a tremendous amount of time. Son#1 made his school's baseball team. Stole home in a scrimmage and...broke his ankle. Crap. Son#2's baseball is has been practicing for about 6 weeks and now is getting into high gear.
3. Work is keeping me very busy. By the time I get home it's usually after 8:00 (after work and kids' activities), and I'm pretty wiped out.
4. My libido is still pretty low. I'm a little worried about that.
5. I'll be posting more later.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sybil's 180 continued

We last left our intrepid husband wondering "What the hell?" Sybil had become someone else. Was this to remain or was this to change back? Which personality would he get? Would she continue in this vein of trying to be more loving and patient, or would her anger get the best of her? What brought all of this on?

Well, from that last post I can say she has worked on improving. Sybil has worked to being more affectionate and less angry. We still have arguments. We had a doozy last night over how to fold undershirts and making sure the correct boy's underwear goes to the correct boy. It lasted a long time. What sets this argument apart from previous ones is the aftermath. She did not seem resentful (digger wrote a good post on resentment that I'll add to soon). I did not feel that I was in a fencing match.

I wrote about some potential health issues, and how they may be contributing to Sybil's working towards change. I think that was only part of the reason. Although she may be seeing tangible, physical problems from the stress I have, Sybil also has seen many couples divorce lately. In our church there are 5 couples that have just divorced or will soon divorce for one reason or another. I believe that Sybil has been hit with the potential reality of us divorcing. Either she leaving me, or me leaving her.

Sybil has become realistic about marriage. She has started to understand that it isn't always fun. Probably, she knew that on an intellectual level but not emotionally. She was always looking at me as the source of her unhappiness (see above about folding undershirts and underwear size determination). The other day she said that she was happy about 70 to 80% with our marriage. I'd say that's not bad. Of course, I didn't tell her about me being happy about 50% of the time. In an earlier time I might have, but I see her making strides.

I understand that married people fight. I'm not asking for no fighting. I'm asking for less vitriol. Less anger. Less open hostility. So far, I seem to be getting it. Now it is up to me to work on my resentment.

Coming soon...
Resentment: It's What's for Breakfast
also I'm Ok; You're Freakin' Psycho!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Valentine's Day...an opportunity to express love OR another way for women to receive gifts? You decide.

I'll be posting more on Sybil's 180 later. For now, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.

180

Well, things are improving with Sybil and me, for now. She has really toned down her bitchiness. She has really worked hard to show her loving side to me. We've even had sex once, since the last post.

What brought this on? Well, it wasn't me confronting her. I did that. She apologized and then less than 12 hours later she was still snapping at me over little stuff. Confronting her is still a major chore. Sybil became very defensive, so her talking down to me circles back to it being my fault. No, she went into a 15 minute spiel about how, if I had only done A,B, and C, then she would not have snapped at me. Forget that is there a really a need to suddenly get up and make sure the kids have cleaned the basement? That argument lasted ~4 or 5 hours.

No, what brought this on was blood in my stool. It was enough for me to call her, slightly panicked. I'm healthy and not even 40, so I believe I am developing a bleeding ulcer. Sybil has finally realized that the stress of work and stress she creates at home may be taking a physical toll on me. Despite my efforts of telling her that constant arguing of stupid, small, petty shit (pardon the pun), is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. It seems I have to have something become seriously wrong to be taken seriously.

Now the question: is too late? I've posted on resentment. Unfortunately, I have a significant amount of resentment built up towards her. Although she has made strides in the past 5 days or so, am I able to just let it go? I know I should. I know I must for us to move forward. It is proving more difficult than I imagined.

How Much is a Future Spouse Worth?

And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.

Sybil and I were watching TV the other night, and one of those credit card commercials came on. It was the one about the mixed race couple that was about to get married. The future son-in-law has to meet the bride's parents at the airport. You know the one, right?

Anyway, during the commercial it was said that the ring was $9000. That's $9K. I commented (aside: I need to learn to keep my mouth shut) that it was silly to spend so much on a ring for a couple just starting out. I stated that the money would be better spent on a lesser expensive ring and the rest towards buying a house.

That didn't sit well with Sybil. It seems that I am a cold-hearted person. I only care about the cost of something, rather than whether or not it comes from the heart. If the perfect ring cost $20k, then that is ok, because it's perfect. After all, Sybil's sister has $15k ring. Of course, Sybil didn't say that her sister never wears it for fear of something happening to it. She actually wears a fake copy of the original.

This two hour "discussion" led to worry about a couple of things:

1. Sybil and I are very different in our approach to money.
   
2. We should have had this conversation waaaaay before getting married.

To me a $9k ring is like a $45k wedding. Only worse. The groom, in theory, can enjoy the wedding. With a ring, the only person enjoying it is the bride. With a ring that expensive, that becomes a female version of a "pissing contest." It's about status.

What's the answer to the question? I don't know, but apparently I was wrong to say that. At least out loud.

Taking a Break Part II

I'm back. Things have been very hectic here. Naturally, we're over-scheduled and over-stressed. Sybil and I managed to fight all weekend. I won't go into details right now. Most of it was petty stuff that only she and I can fight about (note to self: read those text message before seeing Sybil). I might go into detail some day.

Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.

Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?

As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.

Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?

Taking a Break Part I

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm pretty swamped at work, and kids' activities keep us hopping.

I'm not taking a break from blogging, just a break from "Sybil bashing." Sort of.

One of the running themes in the blogs I read is the clashing of libidos. In one of the extreme cases is Digger's. I haven't really talked much about our sex life. It seemed that I had bigger fish to fry. Personally, I do not think it is possible to have a completely matched libido for a couple. No couple agrees on everything, and sex is no different. However, if a pair's libido is two far apart, then problems can arise. The partner not getting satisfaction may come to resent the other partner. This resentment can affect other areas of the relationship. For the partner being "badgered about being buggered", he/she can resent the constant nagging. Resentment can then set in, and you know the rest.

In our case, Sybil would say that she has the higher libido. I would agree with that. She is either in the mood or can be put into the mood. She is very excitable. This would seem to be heavenly for most men. I read other's blogs and read tales of frigid wives. In that regard I am thankful.

I am amazed and a little concerned about my waning desire for sex. The excuse I used was stress. Having a stressful job, running to a thousand activities with the kids and having a stressful home life seemed to be the reason for my lack of desire. By the time I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. This lack of desire was such a departure from how I used to be that I was beginning to become concerned. Is it normal for a normal, healthy man to not want sex? Our society paints men as slobbering Neanderthals wanting sex all of the time. I admit to the slobbering part, but what about sex?

Over time I have come to the conclusion that my lowered libido isn't about stress at work. I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of my life. One of Sybil's favorite things to get mad at me about is my lack of communicating about work. When I get home, I don't want to relive the day. I just want to relax. She feels that I am excluding her, and to some point I am. As bad as that is, the reason for my lowered libido, I believe, is my home life. Our constant battles over crap leaves me battered and bruised and in no mood for any intimacy. Sybil's ability to sweat the small stuff constantly wears on my frayed nerves. I am the opposite. I really feel that my life is so much better than 9/10 of the world's population. What do I have to stress about? In the scheme of things, worrying about every, single thing is a waste of time. Even if we take care of everything in a timely manner, so what? We'll be dead in 50 to 60 years. Why can't we kick back and have a good time?

Let me give an example. Last spring, I was trying to plan a get away with the family during the kids' spring break. Every idea was shot down, because Sybil didn't want to go anywhere. I even scheduled myself off for a week. Losing money in the process. What did we do? Nothing. In over 13 years of marriage, we have NEVER had a real vacation. We take trips: conventions, family visits, etc., but never to just load up the car and go. My kids have never seen a beach. Sybil has never seen a beach. We never "de-stress".

Continued...

Ringing in the New Year

Sybil and I survived the New Year. We celebrated with some old friends, who live about an hour away. Nothing wild. I was asleep (not passed out) by 12:01 am. At 37 years old, I'm getting to old for that stuff. Everyone tries to get rid of the old stuff by making some New Year's Resolutions. I know, I know you all have been waiting with abated breath for mine so here they are:

1. I resolve to take a deep breath and count to 10, when Sybil starts her rants.
2. I resolve to improve my "active" listening skills.
3. I resolve to improve my finances.
4. I resolve to laugh every day.
5. I resolve to worry less.
6. I resolve to continue my workout regimen.
7. I resolve not to kill Sybil and hide the body.

Ok, that last one was a joke. I guess. Well, I'm not going to kill her. Maybe metaphorically speaking. Not in reality. I'm sure you understand.

The new year will be an interesting one. I have no doubt.

Happy New Year!