Hope for the Beast

Take heart you hopelessly men. If this guy can get an attractive ex-model, there's hope for you.

This image just reaffirms the stereotype of the ugly guy with the hot woman. Why is that? What does that guy have that enables him to get the girl?

Personally, I believe it's a combination of things.

1. Money. I know I'll come across as...well...old-fashioned, but women like to feel secure. Salman Rushdie is a successful author. He has made quite a living off of his books. When the Ayatollah "of Rock and Rolla" Khomeini issued his fatwa, that was the best publicity he could have gotten. Thus he was able to sell more books.
2. Confidence. Women are attracted to men that are confident, not necessarily cocky. A confident man exudes an aura that attracts women and other men. Think of Alpha Male. The main dog in the pack (there, that will score me some points with women).
   
3. He asked. How many times do attractive women sit around and whine about not being asked out? Many men are too scared of rejection to ask out a women that he perceives to be out his league. Men adhere to the "Ladder Theory". This ties in with #2. Also, men with money tend to be confident.
   

The Beauty and the Beast story has been around for ages. Yet, we are still fascinated by it. Gorgeous women (and maybe men) attached to shlumpy men.

I'm Back

Yep, like a bad penny, I keep popping up.

I got back home late Sunday night, but because of work and overall fatigue, I haven't posted until today. Sorry.

Sybil and the kids are still at her parents house and won't be home until Monday, so I've been livin' the dream of bachelorhood. Well, not really. Sybil can still reach out and touch me and does everyday. We've only had one argument on the phone. I'm sure that'll change when she comes back home.

Funny thing, my libido has come back with a vengeance. I wonder how long that will last? I'm feeling a little...er...anxious.

Nothing interesting to write about. Since this blog was a way to vent my frustrations brought on by my marriage, I have less to write about. With Sybil not around, I have nothing to blog about. I guess that means she is my source of excitement.

Sad.

I'm Outta Here!

I'll be gone until next Monday.

Sybil + traveling + her parents + kids + STRESS = a good blog post in the works.

Later.

14

years of marriage. Sybil and I celebrated our fourteenth anniversary yesterday. Who would have thought.

Ahh, I remember it well.

We were in grad school. She had not been feeling well. I told her she was pregnant and needed to get tested. She thought no it was a only a stomach thing. So one month later, we are at a Planned Parenthood place to get her tested. Yep, she's pregnant. Now, Sybil will say I took her to an abortion clinic to get tested. Although it was an abortion clinic, I took her to a place that offered free testing. We were poor students with no health insurance.

After much soul searching, I asked Sybil, "Well, do you wanna?" I know. I'm a hopeless romantic. We went to the court house and got married on the anniversary of the judge, who had also gotten married by a judge. For our reception dinner, we went to Wendy's. We topped it off with a Frosty. The next day we drove across the state for our honeymoon. Sybil had morning sickness the WHOLE TIME. It rained.

We've survived a lot: 3 unexpected pregnancies (she's Catholic...that's my story and I'm sticking to it), stress of grad school, poverty, success, etc.

I blogged about all of the crap I put up with with Sybil. I'm not truly over it, yet. However, I'd rather have to deal with her crap than learn someone else's. When someone here asks why don't I divorce her, it's rather simple: I love her.

Damn it.

"Knocked Up" a Movie Review

I don't usually do movie reviews, but Sybil and I caught Knocked Up last night. For those of you that don't know what it's about, the story revolves around a woman, Alison, that becomes pregnant from a one night stand. She tells the man and hilarity ensues. This movie struck pretty close to home because it a lot of similarities to what Sybil and I went through.

Although our first born is not the product of a one nighter (we had been dating for about 6 months), we weren't married nor prepared for her pregnancy. At first blush, one might think that I would most identify with the Ben, the man involved in the one nighter. He is a happy go lucky kind of guy. He is sailing through life rudderless. His main objective is to smoke dope and run a website that tracks nude scenes. However, as the movie unfolded I found myself identifying with Pete. Pete is Alison's brother-in-law. We learn that Pete and Debbie (Alison's sister) also "had to get married." The audience sees Pete and Debbie as two over-achieving persons. However, there is a lot of tension and conflict between Pete and Debbie. They are what Alison and Ben fear becoming. The line uttered by Debbie: "You criticize them a lot, and they get so down on themselves that they're forced to change." reveals her philosophy about being married to Pete. Debbie soon becomes convinced that Pete is having an affair and sneaks into the house where he is and confronts him. I won't give it away.

The rest of the story is typical. Alison and Ben have a baby and live happily ever after.

The reason I wanted to write about this movie is the relationship of Debbie and Pete. It struck very close to home. Debbie is a controlling harpy and Pete is a spineless noodle. Pete chooses conflict avoidance and turns to sneaking out of the house to get away from Debbie. Although it is apparent that Pete and Debbie love each other, they are doomed for marital struggle. Kind of like Sybil and me.

Sybil's constant barrage of criticism mixed with my tendency towards conflict avoidance is a volatile mixture. Instead of trying to be a little laid back and trying to accept each other for how we are, Sybil and I are constantly butting heads. When she gets on a roll, there is no stopping her. After a while I find myself wanting to tune her out. Since her main pet peeve is not being listened to, this only exacerbates the problem. Round and round we go.

If you want insight into my marriage, watch this movie. However, don't focus on the main story line. Instead, focus on the subplot as marriage is examined. Although this movie earned its "R" rating, it is a very funny movie. If you like 40 Year-Old Virgin, then this movie is right up your alley.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

*WARNING* Too much information.

I think now is a good time to revisit a subject that has been bothering me for a long time: by lagging libido.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty typical in that I wanted to have sex ALL OF THE TIME. Looking back, it seems that was all that was on my mind. Girls were developing all sorts of interesting aspects to their anatomy, and I was enjoying the development. The girls I dated usually kept the brakes on, so I was not having any sex (if you believe Bill Clinton). At least not sexual intercourse. It wasn't until I was a senior in high school that I had my first episode of sexual intercourse. It was less than I expected.

In college I had intercourse with 3 women, but did other things with about 3 more. I was still wanting it ALL OF THE TIME. However, I learned that sex usually came with an emotional price tag. I wouldn't have sex unless we both used the "L" word. I felt I was pretty normal in my desire for sex ALL OF THE TIME.

In grad school, the class work was much more intense. I took about 25 hours of classes each quarter. There was little time for meeting the opposite sex, except for those in the same grad school. Since it was a very small school and many were married, the odds were against me. I met Sybil there, and we became very serious. We had SEX ALL OF THE TIME.

Sybil became pregnant, I loved her and couldn't imagine not raising my child, so I married her. For the first few years we had SEX some OF THE TIME. However, it wasn't until we were married that Sybil showed "Sybil-ness." During this time I came to realize that she has a temper. A really quick, bad temper. Having grown up in a house with a woman that could quickly become unhinged (a topic for another post...Freud would love it), I learned to walk on eggshells. When Sybil is in her sweet mode, she is very caring and loving. When she is in her pissed off mode, there is nothing on this side of hell that would change her emotional state.

Today, I am facing a change in my libido. Why is this? I could have SEX ALL OF THE TIME. Sybil is accommodating. This has really bothered me. I've even talked to my doctor about it. He knows the kind of stress I have with my profession, so he chalked it up to that. I agree it is stressful, but I'm not sure it is work related. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing things. Work tends to stay at work, and home tends to stay at home. If I've had a really bad day at work, I may need about an hour to regroup. Afterwards, I'm fine. Nope. I think it is the stress and strain of home.

Home should be a refuge. Home should be a fortress against the world. For me home has increasingly become more stressful than anything at the office. There have been times that I would rather stay at the office than go home. That is one of the things affecting my libido.

My decreased desire to have SEX ALL OF THE TIME with Sybil has nothing to do with her outward appearance. When we go out, men turn their heads to watch her. She is still very attractive. In fairness to Sybil, it is not all because of her emotional issues. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of the work. I get tired of plain, ol' vanilla sex.

Her idea of foreplay: holding my hand right before she falls into the land of Nod. Wow. That really revs my engine. When we have sex, it is mainly on me. I have to be the one to take charge. I don't mind doing it some of the time, but all of the time becomes tiring. I have to deal with that in deciding what to have for lunch. Rarely does she decide that, much less how to have sex.

So that's the situation. What is to be done? Talking? Right, that always fixes things. I've done it until I could puke coat hangers. Unfortunately, we're dealing with basic personality issues. Those cannot be talked away. Confronting someone on every, single issue eventually will make that person avoid one like the plague. Compromise is good, when BOTH do it.

I hope you've enjoyed me venting my spleen.

Tagged

LBP has tagged me. He is interested to know who I've played or would want to play in some sort of drama. Since this helps to take my mind of the drama in my life, I'll play along.

In high school I was a thesbian. That's TH not L, although I enjoy having sex with women. I guess in that way I do have lesbian tendencies. But I digress.

I was involved in drama, and I was on the speech team in high school. I was pretty decent. My best friend and I did a duet acting piece and came in 6th in the state. It was pretty funny piece from a serious play dealing with Viet Nam veterans in a VA hospital. I played a dumb hick. I'm a character actor. I was also involved in the high school musicals. Since I can't sing, I was relegated to playing bit parts. The drama teacher promised my friend and me a play just for those that can act but cannot sing. Alas, it was never meant to be.

I'm not sure what character I'd like to play. Some of the characters I've enjoyed watching were: Josey Wales, Porter (Mel Gibson's Payback), etc. These characters share some common traits: a prickly nature, goal oriented, moral flexibility. Although I tend to be goal oriented, most people around me find me to be a lot of fun. I like cracking jokes and making those around me feel at ease with me. Go figure.

Pretty accurate

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Neo orthodox 79% Emergent/Postmodern 71% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Reformed Evangelical 57% Roman Catholic 54% Fundamentalist 39% Classical Liberal 39% Modern Liberal 29% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

This little quiz was accurate because I've been thoroughly indoctrinated by the Methodist faith my whole life.

Run Away! Run Away!

Came across this post. Amanda is complaining that her boyfriend won't do anything around the house, and the things he does do are not to her specifications.

This post brings up an interesting dichotomy in my marriage. Sybil is much more...shall we say...particular on how things are done. If I am folding clothes and do not fold UNDERSHIRTS to her specifications, then she gets her feelings hurt. If I am loading the dishwasher and do not PREWASH the dishes before washing them, then she gets her feelings hurt. I remember the time that Son #1, a friend, friend's son and I were going backpacking. Sybil was still sound asleep, when we left. Needing a spatula, I grabbed what was the oldest, most used one to take along. About 45 minutes into the drive, I get a phone call from an irate Sybil because I grabbed her FAVORITE spatula. Hell, I didn't know she knew how to cook (since we eat out ~99% of the time), much less had a favorite spatula.

Reading Amanda's post made me think of how things will go with her boyfriend. Since he will not do anything to her specifications, she will nag at him for not doing a good enough job. She will forget that he is trying to please her, and she will only focus on what a moron he is for forgetting that the proper way to fold clothes is her way. Said boyfriend will decide it isn't worth the aggravation and quit doing it. This isn't being passive-aggressive. There have been many "discussions" about these certain things. In order to maintain some semblance of peace, the boyfriend will, simply, stop.

Amanda will not see herself as being that anal retentive. She, instead, will focus only on the boyfriend and his apparent need to make her angry. As an aside, no man purposefully tries to make his wife/girlfriend angry, playful jibing, maybe but not angry. As time marches on Amanda will come to feel that her boyfriend is lazy and doesn't want to help out because he expects her to do everything. They will fall into the cliche of the woman doing all of the housework. Her resentment towards him will grow. Eventually, they will break up.

A few questions:

1. Why is HER way the ONLY way?
2. Is there no credit for the attempt or is it pass/fail?
3. Does Amanda (and women like her) need to grow up?

Avoiders Anonymous (AA)

Nag coiled himself down, coil by coil, round the bulge at the bottom of the water jar, and Rikki-tikki stayed still as death. After an hour he began to move, muscle by muscle, toward the jar. Nag was asleep, and Rikki-tikki looked at his big back, wondering which would be the best place for a good hold. "If I don't break his back at the first jump," said Rikki, "he can still fight. And if he fights--O Rikki!" He looked at the thickness of the neck below the hood, but that was too much for him; and a bite near the tail would only make Nag savage. "It must be the head"' he said at last; "the head above the hood. And, when I am once there, I must not let go." Then he jumped.

Riki-Tikki-Tavi
Rudyard Kippling

FTN's post about being an avoider for a day was quite the interesting read. His writing shows how a normally confrontational person tries to tone it down. He tries to not let Autumn in on every, single thing that is annoying him. Finally, he can stand it no longer and nearly explodes.

I am happy that FTN is able to be that confrontational with Autumn. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Being an avoider is no fun. Although confronting the person, who wrongs you, is the best course of action, that can lead to unexpected results. Both Sybil and my mother were (are) emotionally labile.

Although I don't want to turn this post into one about my mother (I'm saving that for later for all of you followers of Freud), I learned from an early age to avoid her temper at all costs. She was not an easy woman to live with. My father could seek refuge from her at work, but I had to wait until school to have my refuge. Sybil is a little like my mother. Whenever I confront her on an issue, I find myself being flailed around the room, metaphorically speaking. By changing the subject or bringing up my faults, she makes confrontation very difficult. In an effort to maintain peace and tranquility, I find myself swallowing my issues.

That was it means to be an avoider. By being non-confrontational, one tries to maintain the peace at any costs. Kind of like France. Intellectually, I know this will only lead to an invasion of Poland, but in the short run that seems easier. It's only Poland. Because I know what eventually happened in Europe by not confronting an aggressor until it was too late, I have worked very hard on improving my communication skills and confrontational skills.

AA people tend to become passive-aggressive. That is the pitfall of trying to maintain peace "in our time." The irritations are still there, but we don't deal well with them. Instead, we circumvent the confrontation process and use sneaky methods. I am ashamed to admit that I have caught myself doing that, rarely. That is something that I always guard against.

As hard it was for FTN to avoid all of his issues for a day, it is just as hard for a non-confrontational person to be confrontational for a day. It means we have to expect an unpleasant reaction. We must go against our conditioning. It is hard work for us too.

Law of Unintended Consequences

Things have calmed down to certain peace. Sybil apologized for her actions; I apologized for mine. Yet, there seems to be a lingering after effect. I'm not sure Sybil feels the same as me, but I feel a loss of connection. After all of the arguments and fights we've had, each one has left me feeling battered and bruised. I'm not sure I feel resentment towards her, but I feel trepidation about what to do or say. I feel that the reaction I'll get is more than I can handle.

Grabbing the tiger by its tail is a dangerous situation. To keep from grabbing the tail, I feel that I must act differently. I must watch each and every word and weigh its potential meanings carefully. I know that we all must do that in polite society; it is difficult to manage in the privacy of my own home. I cannot speak freely; I cannot act freely. Since I have not been one deal well with authority, this is a burden.

If one is in a truly intimate relationship, shouldn't that person be, relatively, free to speak and act? I could understand, if I were abusive. Am I this horrible person, or am I stuck in a hopeless situation? No one likes to think of themselves in a negative light. Am I in denial, or am I a selfish, unthinking bastard? Is Sybil right or am I?

Confrontation is a good thing, but over time constant confrontation over everything can lead to a feeling of despair. When something really important needs to be addressed, it can be lost in the noise of all of the other issues. The person being confronted begins to feel like a failure. I believe in carrot and stick approach can work, but what if there is no carrot?

Update

Thank you to those that commented on my last post.

Well, it was the calm before the storm.

Yesterday, Sybil and I had a huge fight. She was cursing (something she rarely does) and crying, and I was cursing (something I rarely do in front of her) and yelling. Nothing was resolved. I hope to smooth things over better today. I have come realize that I was wrong to reveal how I felt in public. I should have waited until we were alone and confronted her. Unfortunately, she never admitted to any wrong doing.

On the baseball bag incident, Sybil merely said that she misspoke, when she said "we". If she saw my point of view, she never indicated that to me. She could only see it as me blowing up for a comment that she made about "me" moving the bags. Towards the end of the argument, Sybil wondered why the kids and I think she is snapping at us, when she knows that she isn't. I thought that was telling, but I will wait until things are a little quieter to broach that subject. Anyway, I was wrong to show public irritation with her; I should have bit my tongue and confronted her later. However, she has indicated no wrongdoing.

As for the store incident, Sybil was stressing out because my parents about to pay for the items being purchased. She said what she said out of frustration. She really did not want my parents paying for anything, since they were our guests. I did get an apology of sorts. She did say she was sorry, but she yelled it at me with no remorse. Again, I should have not shown my irritation in public but waited until later. Again, she has indicated no remorse.

Lastly, Sybil did not wear her ring all day yesterday. Is it that easy to take off? I have not taken mine off for more than five minutes in nearly fourteen years. Sybil has always maintained that, although she may angry with me, she never stops loving me. Am I supposed to believe that? What I believe is that this supposed to make me be scared for our future. Even though I made mistakes in this, I do not feel the normal amount of remorse. If Sybil showed a little more responsibility for her part of the problem, I might be a little more contrite. Maybe I feel this is a bit of a tempest in a teapot? Maybe I feel that her behavior goes beyond the pale? I could understand if I was out all night and came home smelling of cheap perfume and cheaper booze (or versa visa), but reacting to how she was treating me? I feel as though my feelings are not taken seriously. When I tell that, I get excuses and other rhetoric. I do not get "you might be right. I'm sorry." After telling her that all I wanted was some acknowledgment of how she made me feel, I did not get that. I got excuses. I'm a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" would have sufficed.

Developing...

Silence is Golden?

Well, this weekend was almost fun with Sybil. My parents spent the weekend with us. Since the drive is about 6 to 7 hours, we don't see them too often. Son#2 had a baseball tournament, and it rained.

We had managed to play two games before the rain started to come down. Between games the players and parents were standing under an awning trying to keep dry. Sybil sees this and says,"We should move their baseball bags out of the rain and put them under this awning." I grab my son's bag first and put it under the awning. I turn to Sybil, and she was sitting in a folding chair. She sees me standing there and says something to the effect of "Well, aren't you going to bring the other bags in?" There was no mention nor any indication that she was going to get off her duff and help. I give my patented "Eat S@#t and Die" look and mumble a smart remark. I grab the bags and place them under the awning. Whatever.

Driving home from the game, we decide to stop at the grocery store to pick up some essentials. We are in the check out lane, and Sybil realizes that she doesn't have her grocery store member card with her. I know that this important because she loves the fact that she gets an extra few cents off per gallon of gas, if she puts so much on the card. I, happily, go out into the cold rain and get her other purse from the car. I bring the purse to the checkout lane and hand it to her. She says, "You didn't have to bring the whole purse. All I needed was the card." No expression of gratitude. I give her another look. Whatever.

When we get home, I notice that I'm getting the silent treatment. With my parents still there, I do not want to make a big fuss over anything. I wait until I know everyone is asleep, and I ask her what is wrong. Sybil is "disappointed" with me because of how I acted in front of friends and my parents. She makes no mention of her actions, which created my reaction. When I point out her actions and her rudeness, there is no apology, there isn't even a coherent excuse. Sybil is focused on how I acted in front others. Granted I could have acted better. I could have waited until no one was around and point out the error of her ways, but couldn't she have treated me better in front of others, too? Couldn't she have been nicer (or at least polite)?

We are at a stalemate. Sybil will not admit any wrong doing. Since my reactions were a response to her rudeness, I cannot admit any wrong doing. Also, I know that if I had done the same thing to her, I would have been chewed out. Although I could have handled myself better, Sybil has to realize that she not innocent either. So now she is not talking to me. I initiated conversation last night, which went nowhere. Silence is golden? Or, is silence the calm before the storm?

Dealing with Anger

so gone over you made an astute observation:

But seriously, if Sybil acts this way, somewhere along the line, YOU allowed it. People only treat you the way you allow them to.

I would agree that I enabled Sybil's bad behavior. When her vitriol is directed at me, I seem to have my shields down. After 14 years of marriage I, her verbal body blows seem to catch unprepared. I find myself reacting to her. My past mistake was not calling her on how she shows her anger. That was then.

I still have a lot of work to do in the arena of marital combat. However, I have started calling Sybil on her behavior. By doing this, I hope to be able to "nip it in the bud." I am not always successful. Being from a long line of avoiders, confrontation is not my strong suit. Confronting a volatile personality is even more difficult.

Sybil has started being more in control of her reactions. That is not to say that she is perfect, but it does mean that our conflicts are more of a small conflagration rather than a full blown smack down. I have also learned methods to help diffuse the situation. If she makes a coherent case for being angry with me, I'll apologize quicker than before. If she is just angry to be angry, then I do not respond.

No! Really?!?

Science has proven what I've always believed: women are angrier than men.

How often have we seen a wife talk down to her husband? Hit her husband for a silly comment? Have we come to believe nothing of it?

As cataloged here, my marital experiences mirror the results of the study. Sybil is allowed to get angry over any, little thing. Although she is not passive - aggressive, she has to really work to control her anger. Truly, she feels that she is justified in her behavior. Her reaction to me is my fault, I am able to control her emotions (apparently).

One of the comments posted on Dr. Helen's blog might shed some incite:

Well in a futile attempt at getting back to the question at hand, my experience has been that women behave passive-aggressively by demonstrating disapproval. For all our bluster, boys and men seek the approval of women. It begins sometime in middle school. I would venture that few men had girls falling at their feet but rather were consigned to trying to gain some girl's attention from amongst the multitudes of admires. This awareness of women's approval or disapproval becomes a primal force. Many women I've experienced understand this and use it as a weapon. It is usually worse when the man is not meeting some unspoken expectation of the woman. Not keeping her in the manner she feels she should or not having the job she feels is more socially appropriate. I know several men who found themselves divorced these very "failures." Not all women are like this mind you, a fortunate situation for us men. The longterm effect of this is that many men just stop seeking the company of women. At least, company not financially contracted. This generally leads to a vicious circle as women become "unhappy" at not getting the attention they desire from men at least on their terms. I experience this often in ballroom dancing, it seems many women can't suppress their displeasure at men who are learning and thus unable to produce the dance experience they desire. For some reason, they just can't comprehend that this attitude causes men to stop taking lessons and thus their are fewer men for them to dance with. I believe it stems from the habit learned in their teenage years that men exist to please them and by being petulant they get their way. They seem to not understand men adapt to this strategy by avoidance.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Digger in this post for as being on his list of thinking bloggers. That came as a surprise. When I started this blog, I never really expected anyone to read, let alone take the time to comment. I soon discovered there are many, who have issues in there relationships. Like me, they turn to the "blogosphere" to air their problems and try to work towards a resolution. Since my time is limited due to work and family obligations, I am unable to cultivate any real male friendships. I do not enjoy playing a round of golf with a friend. As my tag line says, I started this blog to vent my frustrations of being married to Sybil. It has been helpful, because I soon discovered that I'm not the crazy one. Anyway, I am very flattered to have been tagged in this matter. Now the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

The five bloggers that make me think are:

1. Joe Flirt makes me think, because he and I are in similar situations. Granted his is more extreme, but nonetheless his is a difficult situation.
2. Tajalude makes me see the other side of the coin of a male's low libido. Her husband seems to share a few traits with myself. Her blog helps give me another perspective.
3. Steve at Hog on Ice helps me think about food and cooking, which are one of my favorite things. In addition, he adds humor to social and political commentary.
   
4. Emily's Post is great blog. We see Emily struggle with her relationship and the testament that love is the glue that holds us together.
5. Although this author will not answer the tag, Vox Day makes me think due to quite different perspective in political and societal thinking. I don't always agree with what he writes, but he definitely makes me think.

I could have added other blogs, but I wanted to list those that weren't nominated (that I know of).

Back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Change of Plans

Originally, I had planned to write a post about my waning libido. Since Sybil and I had an interesting blow-up last night, you get spared that post...for a while.

Let me set the scene.
Daughter had a friend come over for an afternoon visit. It's now supper time, and we have no food in the house (naturally). Sybil recommends a certain restaurant, which everyone was in favor of, and we go eat. Around 8:15 pm we leave the restaurant to take the friend home. We arrive around 8:30 pm. We stand outside and talk for a few minutes, Sybil wants to go inside and look at our mutual friend's new cabinets. The friend and I chit-chat, and Sybil rejoins us. During the course of the conversation, the friend remarks that she is tired. I look at my watch, and see that it is nearly 8:45 pm. Since we try to have our kids in bed by 9:00 pm on a school night, I think it is time to go. I make a couple remarks to that end. Sybil indicates that it is time to go, so I get our kids loaded up in the van. The kids and I sit in the van for about 8 minutes. I see Sybil turn as if she is about to join us. She stops and resumes talking to our friend. Thinking this may be a while, I shut the engine off. Sybil gives a me a glance. After a few minutes, she joins us, being very silent. We go home.

Apparently, I am rude. I used shutting off the engine as a statement to let her know that I was more than ready to go home. When she told me that, it did make sense, and I told so. Although in my heart of hearts I did not mean that act to signify that, I can understand why shutting off the engine would be a signal. I, simply, did not want to keep the car running any longer than necessary.

As the argument progressed, I was told that I am a jerk for not having any faith in Sybil. It does not matter that a 5 minute conversation between these two women always turns into a 30 minute holding pattern. Always. I have no faith in her. Therefore, I am a jerk.

I was born a poor, black child.

Resentment

Things with Sybil are still doing ok. She hasn't had any major blow-ups in a while, to her credit. She has worked hard on realizing how her reactions get an equal reaction. Starting in "high gear" only leads another blow-up. She has worked on not allowing herself to react in that manner.

The problem, then, is me. I am have now become that which I disliked. I find myself with a short temper. I find myself on the defensive at every opportunity. It seems that I am just waiting for Sybil to become angry with me. Kind of a preemptive strike. Naturally, she reacts normally and becomes irritated with me. I am so conditioned to expect being yelled at or talked down to over small, trivial things that I tend to strike first. How did I get to this predicament? Have I always been such a jerk? Have my true colors been allowed to show?

That is the power of resentment. By not putting past events behind me, I am allowing them to dictate my present behavior. That is not healthy. By allowing this brewing storm to continue, I am adding to the volatile mixture. I know that it will take time for this to wash out of my system. I truly want this poison to leave me, yet I still have not mastered my conditioned responses.

Although I could blame Sybil for my current state, I must take responsibility for myself. I am not liking the person I have become right now. Blaming her and saying she conditioned me, is a childish reaction. Adults are supposed to own up to their part in the situation. I have not been doing that.

I want to love my wife. I want us to live to a ripe, old age together. I want us to be together as our children grow up and have children of their own. Unfortunately, right now I feel that I am faking it. I am not sure that I have an emotional connection with her. Am I "out of love" with her? I almost hesitate to think it, much less to say it. Hopefully, this is just a fleeting feeling.

Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?

I'm not dead. I'm not even very sleepy. I am EXTREMELY busy. It'll be a quick update for now:

1. Sybil is still being very amazing. I'm not sure WTF is going on, but never look a gift horse in the mouth (not that she is a horse).
   
2. My kids' activities are eating up a tremendous amount of time. Son#1 made his school's baseball team. Stole home in a scrimmage and...broke his ankle. Crap. Son#2's baseball is has been practicing for about 6 weeks and now is getting into high gear.
3. Work is keeping me very busy. By the time I get home it's usually after 8:00 (after work and kids' activities), and I'm pretty wiped out.
4. My libido is still pretty low. I'm a little worried about that.
5. I'll be posting more later.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sybil's 180 continued

We last left our intrepid husband wondering "What the hell?" Sybil had become someone else. Was this to remain or was this to change back? Which personality would he get? Would she continue in this vein of trying to be more loving and patient, or would her anger get the best of her? What brought all of this on?

Well, from that last post I can say she has worked on improving. Sybil has worked to being more affectionate and less angry. We still have arguments. We had a doozy last night over how to fold undershirts and making sure the correct boy's underwear goes to the correct boy. It lasted a long time. What sets this argument apart from previous ones is the aftermath. She did not seem resentful (digger wrote a good post on resentment that I'll add to soon). I did not feel that I was in a fencing match.

I wrote about some potential health issues, and how they may be contributing to Sybil's working towards change. I think that was only part of the reason. Although she may be seeing tangible, physical problems from the stress I have, Sybil also has seen many couples divorce lately. In our church there are 5 couples that have just divorced or will soon divorce for one reason or another. I believe that Sybil has been hit with the potential reality of us divorcing. Either she leaving me, or me leaving her.

Sybil has become realistic about marriage. She has started to understand that it isn't always fun. Probably, she knew that on an intellectual level but not emotionally. She was always looking at me as the source of her unhappiness (see above about folding undershirts and underwear size determination). The other day she said that she was happy about 70 to 80% with our marriage. I'd say that's not bad. Of course, I didn't tell her about me being happy about 50% of the time. In an earlier time I might have, but I see her making strides.

I understand that married people fight. I'm not asking for no fighting. I'm asking for less vitriol. Less anger. Less open hostility. So far, I seem to be getting it. Now it is up to me to work on my resentment.

Coming soon...
Resentment: It's What's for Breakfast
also I'm Ok; You're Freakin' Psycho!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Valentine's Day...an opportunity to express love OR another way for women to receive gifts? You decide.

I'll be posting more on Sybil's 180 later. For now, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.

180

Well, things are improving with Sybil and me, for now. She has really toned down her bitchiness. She has really worked hard to show her loving side to me. We've even had sex once, since the last post.

What brought this on? Well, it wasn't me confronting her. I did that. She apologized and then less than 12 hours later she was still snapping at me over little stuff. Confronting her is still a major chore. Sybil became very defensive, so her talking down to me circles back to it being my fault. No, she went into a 15 minute spiel about how, if I had only done A,B, and C, then she would not have snapped at me. Forget that is there a really a need to suddenly get up and make sure the kids have cleaned the basement? That argument lasted ~4 or 5 hours.

No, what brought this on was blood in my stool. It was enough for me to call her, slightly panicked. I'm healthy and not even 40, so I believe I am developing a bleeding ulcer. Sybil has finally realized that the stress of work and stress she creates at home may be taking a physical toll on me. Despite my efforts of telling her that constant arguing of stupid, small, petty shit (pardon the pun), is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. It seems I have to have something become seriously wrong to be taken seriously.

Now the question: is too late? I've posted on resentment. Unfortunately, I have a significant amount of resentment built up towards her. Although she has made strides in the past 5 days or so, am I able to just let it go? I know I should. I know I must for us to move forward. It is proving more difficult than I imagined.

How Much is a Future Spouse Worth?

And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.

Sybil and I were watching TV the other night, and one of those credit card commercials came on. It was the one about the mixed race couple that was about to get married. The future son-in-law has to meet the bride's parents at the airport. You know the one, right?

Anyway, during the commercial it was said that the ring was $9000. That's $9K. I commented (aside: I need to learn to keep my mouth shut) that it was silly to spend so much on a ring for a couple just starting out. I stated that the money would be better spent on a lesser expensive ring and the rest towards buying a house.

That didn't sit well with Sybil. It seems that I am a cold-hearted person. I only care about the cost of something, rather than whether or not it comes from the heart. If the perfect ring cost $20k, then that is ok, because it's perfect. After all, Sybil's sister has $15k ring. Of course, Sybil didn't say that her sister never wears it for fear of something happening to it. She actually wears a fake copy of the original.

This two hour "discussion" led to worry about a couple of things:

1. Sybil and I are very different in our approach to money.
   
2. We should have had this conversation waaaaay before getting married.

To me a $9k ring is like a $45k wedding. Only worse. The groom, in theory, can enjoy the wedding. With a ring, the only person enjoying it is the bride. With a ring that expensive, that becomes a female version of a "pissing contest." It's about status.

What's the answer to the question? I don't know, but apparently I was wrong to say that. At least out loud.

Taking a Break Part II

I'm back. Things have been very hectic here. Naturally, we're over-scheduled and over-stressed. Sybil and I managed to fight all weekend. I won't go into details right now. Most of it was petty stuff that only she and I can fight about (note to self: read those text message before seeing Sybil). I might go into detail some day.

Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.

Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?

As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.

Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?

Taking a Break Part I

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm pretty swamped at work, and kids' activities keep us hopping.

I'm not taking a break from blogging, just a break from "Sybil bashing." Sort of.

One of the running themes in the blogs I read is the clashing of libidos. In one of the extreme cases is Digger's. I haven't really talked much about our sex life. It seemed that I had bigger fish to fry. Personally, I do not think it is possible to have a completely matched libido for a couple. No couple agrees on everything, and sex is no different. However, if a pair's libido is two far apart, then problems can arise. The partner not getting satisfaction may come to resent the other partner. This resentment can affect other areas of the relationship. For the partner being "badgered about being buggered", he/she can resent the constant nagging. Resentment can then set in, and you know the rest.

In our case, Sybil would say that she has the higher libido. I would agree with that. She is either in the mood or can be put into the mood. She is very excitable. This would seem to be heavenly for most men. I read other's blogs and read tales of frigid wives. In that regard I am thankful.

I am amazed and a little concerned about my waning desire for sex. The excuse I used was stress. Having a stressful job, running to a thousand activities with the kids and having a stressful home life seemed to be the reason for my lack of desire. By the time I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. This lack of desire was such a departure from how I used to be that I was beginning to become concerned. Is it normal for a normal, healthy man to not want sex? Our society paints men as slobbering Neanderthals wanting sex all of the time. I admit to the slobbering part, but what about sex?

Over time I have come to the conclusion that my lowered libido isn't about stress at work. I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of my life. One of Sybil's favorite things to get mad at me about is my lack of communicating about work. When I get home, I don't want to relive the day. I just want to relax. She feels that I am excluding her, and to some point I am. As bad as that is, the reason for my lowered libido, I believe, is my home life. Our constant battles over crap leaves me battered and bruised and in no mood for any intimacy. Sybil's ability to sweat the small stuff constantly wears on my frayed nerves. I am the opposite. I really feel that my life is so much better than 9/10 of the world's population. What do I have to stress about? In the scheme of things, worrying about every, single thing is a waste of time. Even if we take care of everything in a timely manner, so what? We'll be dead in 50 to 60 years. Why can't we kick back and have a good time?

Let me give an example. Last spring, I was trying to plan a get away with the family during the kids' spring break. Every idea was shot down, because Sybil didn't want to go anywhere. I even scheduled myself off for a week. Losing money in the process. What did we do? Nothing. In over 13 years of marriage, we have NEVER had a real vacation. We take trips: conventions, family visits, etc., but never to just load up the car and go. My kids have never seen a beach. Sybil has never seen a beach. We never "de-stress".

Continued...

Ringing in the New Year

Sybil and I survived the New Year. We celebrated with some old friends, who live about an hour away. Nothing wild. I was asleep (not passed out) by 12:01 am. At 37 years old, I'm getting to old for that stuff. Everyone tries to get rid of the old stuff by making some New Year's Resolutions. I know, I know you all have been waiting with abated breath for mine so here they are:

1. I resolve to take a deep breath and count to 10, when Sybil starts her rants.
2. I resolve to improve my "active" listening skills.
3. I resolve to improve my finances.
4. I resolve to laugh every day.
5. I resolve to worry less.
6. I resolve to continue my workout regimen.
7. I resolve not to kill Sybil and hide the body.

Ok, that last one was a joke. I guess. Well, I'm not going to kill her. Maybe metaphorically speaking. Not in reality. I'm sure you understand.

The new year will be an interesting one. I have no doubt.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

A quick post to let everyone know that Sybil and I are ok for now. Thank you to those that bothered to comment on my last post. I plan to try making some changes in how I react, and hopefully, help Sybil with her reactions, too.

I wanted to leave this for everyone:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, [emphasis: mine]
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.

Refrain

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.

In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.

Refrain

From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.

Refrain

“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”

Refrain

The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding in tempest, storm and wind,
And went to Bethl’em straightaway this blessèd Babe to find.

Refrain

But when to Bethlehem they came where our dear Savior lay,
They found Him in a manger where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling unto the Lord did pray.

Refrain

Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface.

Refrain

God bless the ruler of this house, and send him long to reign,
And many a merry Christmas may live to see again;
Among your friends and kindred that live both far and near—

That God send you a happy new year, happy new year,
And God send you a happy new year.

Invasion of the Pod People?

Well, Sybil is living up to her name. It was only Sunday night that she was "done." She was tired of living with me. She couldn't take it anymore.

Flash forward to Tuesday morning and she asks, "Why didn't you try anything last night?"

WTF!!!

One minute she's "done" and the next she's disappointed because I'm not trying to get into her pants. I can think of lots of reasons but it boils down to frustration of living with her. She's either hot or cold: one extreme or another. There is no middle of the road.

It's getting to the point of I'd rather look at porn and beat off. Sad.

Sinking...

I was going to post on some the comments about Sybil feeling that she isn't being taken seriously. I will post about that later. It is an important topic and tends to be a running theme in our arguments.

Instead, I will post about my weekend. I know, faithful reader, that you have been waiting to see what comes next in the Aphron and Sybil saga. Well, wait no further.

In typical fashion, Sybil and I took one step forward and two steps backward. Friday night was met with a long argument complete with tears from both of us. Basically, she is feeling that she has come to the end of her rope. Sybil feels that she cannot continue with me. My selfishness has led to resentment of me on her part. What brought that up? Well, we had sex the night before, and she asked about why I initiated it. I explained that I am learning to cope with her emotional outbursts, and it had taken time for me to be able to do that. See, I had no right to feel anger at being yelled and embarrassed in front of Daughter and in the restaurant. If I simply stopped trying to defend my action of coming home for lunch based on an assumption from faulty information, Sybil would not have had to yell at me. If I had tried harder to see things from her point of view, then she would have accepted my apology and everything would have been fine. So the gist of this past Friday night was this: I made Sybil lose her cool, I would not stop thinking only of myself, and I refused to try to put myself in her shoes. She was done trying.

On Saturday, Sybil and I had a sort of reconciliation. She informed me that she wasn't going to leave or anything. I explained that I would work harder on trying to put myself in her shoes. Things were looking up. Then last night happened.

After coming home from church-sponsored caroling and hayride, we stopped at the house of Son#1 to pick him up. Sybil went to the front door of the house to get him. A few minutes later Son#1 gets out of the house, rides his scooter around a bit, and then gets into the car. I ask why chose the scooter over his bicycle, and we have a conversation about that. After about a minute or two, Sybil gets into the car. That's when the fun started. She asked why no one told her that Son#1 was in the car. She wanted to know, if Son#1 had told me that he hadn't seen her. He told her no and apologized. Sybil asked me, if I asked Son#1 if he had seen her. I said no because I assumed she was talking inside and knew that Son#1 was with me. I didn't apologize at the time. That was strike three.

Sybil became "mildly irritated" (her words), and we had a two and half hour argument. What came out of the argument is same stuff: I fail to put myself in her shoes, I fail to be put her first, and I fail to set a good example for my son. When she came to the car, that was my cue to ask about her knowing Son#1 was with me. I blew it by not asking, and therefore, failing as mentioned above.

How does one predict what someone would do? I would have to know Sybil inside and out. Although I feel that I know her pretty well, we are so different on our perception of how to handle details. I have a difficult time assigning the same weight to every situation that she does. If I had paid a little more attention to detail by confirming information and not assuming, I would not be in this situation.

The sinking feeling is Sybil is making noise about being "done." How do I make the necessary changes in my behavior? Should I make the necessary changes? Is a person able to make those necessary changes?

The Saga Continues...

To answer elise, therese in heaven, and trueself I decided to answer their comments in a post rather than a comment.

A lot of our arguments are centered around Sybil feeling that I am not listening to her. In fairness, I try using the best of my abilities to focus on what she is saying. There are times where I fail. Do we listen to our spouses 100% of the time? I doubt it. Unfortunately, Sybil doesn't see it as a human failing, nor that I have and want to improve. She sees it as a form of an attack. When the tables are turned and she fails to listen to what I am saying, I do not press the attack. I do not make it into a federal case. Is the point of a marriage to live with someone and try to have peace and harmony, or is a marriage to constantly bicker over little things? If the point is constantly fighting over whether or not I ceded her point about listening to Son #1 about the lunch plans or talking with her, then Sybil and I are doomed.

The reason the last two arguments escalated into a full battle was my lack of seeing her point of view. Of course, Sybil had no intention of seeing my point of view. Instead, she chose to assume that my explanation for my actions was some sort of an attack and become angry. As I continued to try to explain my position, she became more enraged. In each instance, the thing that set her off was the feeling of not being heard. I did hear her and was even able to repeat back what she had said. It wasn't that I didn't think she had a point. However, the point was lost in the yelling. If one is in a restaurant and the server is afraid to come to the table to take the order because one is having a melt down, one might want to reconsider how one approaches the situation.

Sadly, as I bring up how her reactions make me feel closed-off and defensive, Sybil will blithely push that aside with a "it is your fault that I am reacting that way." If I had only done XYZ differently or had not done ABC, then she would not have felt that she has to yell at me to be heard. Personally, I think the natural reaction, when someone is yelling at you, is tune them out. After each episode, I feel less connected to her. For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.

Feelin' Low

Well, that smooth period with Sybil is over. Yesterday we had huge fight. Today we had another one.

We always fight about me not listening to her. Earlier in our marriage I didn't always. I tend to have random thoughts running around in my head and am easily distracted (mild ADD?). However, over last few years I really worked on staying focused on her alone. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not be around a distraction (TV, computer, etc.). Until yesterday, things were running pretty good.

Round#1

Yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for a morning civic club meeting, Sybil asks me to take some stuff to Son#1's middle school for PTO. Now, she said "Could you take this to the school before your meeting?" What I heard was, "Can you take this stuff to the school?" The meeting ran a little long, and I dropped the stuff off afterwards. The problem is the person that needed it was looking frantically around for it for about an hour. As I was leaving the school and running to my next errand, I called Sybil to check in. When she found out what time I dropped the stuff off, she became slightly angry. I apologized for not getting the stuff there on time. I explained that I didn't know she wanted it there before the meeting. Her reaction was a shock to me. I became slightly angry and said something about her not even getting out of bed to talk to me. Now she went ballistic. She is screaming into the phone. I try to maintain calm. She is still screaming into the phone, and then hangs up on me.

I finish my errands and arrive home mid-morning. Syibl isn't there. I had no clue where she was, so I called her. She didn't answer her phone, so I left a voice mail apologizing again and closing with "I love you." I waited a bit. No return phone call. I am pretty keyed up by the whole thing. She eventually calls back and starts screaming at me. This time I hang up on her. She calls back and is a little more rational. We talk and talk and talk. It comes out that to her I really hadn't gotten any better. She still could not depend upon me to do things for her. This was a shock to me. I had been making a conscious effort to improve in that area. We kind of make up. I'm still a little shaken by my apparent lack of progress.

Round #2

The kids are out of school. Sybil decides to take them shopping at a local outlet mall, and I'll meet them for lunch. Lunch time rolls around, and I call her. Son #1 answers the phone and tells me they are at home. I am a bit surprised because of the plans. He says he isn't going out to shop and to lunch. He hands the phone to Sybil. I ask, if I need to bring any food home. She says no and then goes into a spiel about a bank statement. Now, I'm not driving anywhere, yet. I'm still in my car waiting in the parking lot. With the information that Son #1 gave and the conversation about the bank statement, it seems to me that the family is at home, and the plans have changed. I start driving home. As we're talking, Sybil asks where I am. When she finds out, she goes nuts. She starts yelling at as to why would I do that, when we had plans for lunch. I explain to her what our son said and her possibly needing my help with the statement, so I thought the plans had changed.

Things deteriorate from there. Sybil thinks that I have placed what Son #1 said as more important than what she said. Not true I counter. I just made a decision and thought the plans had changed. No avail. My mistake did not inconvenience her any. It was the principle of not taking her seriously or getting information from her, directly.

Despite what I feel like are my best efforts, I am losing ground. Things right now haven't been this bad for awhile. I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I'm not sure Sybil can either.

Horns of a Dilemma

I just found out last night that the guy from church I posted about earlier (remember Dick and Jane) has left his wife. He is no longer living at home with his three kids. At least that's the rumor. If true, he couldn't have picked a better time of year. Now, the problem is Sybil wants me to get involved. She wants me to call him up and dive into his personal business. I keep trying to tell her that:

1. I'm not his best friend or even a close friend. We do not hang out.
2. I do not have any place getting involved into the personal life of someone else.
3. If I were in the same situation, I would not want someone sticking their nose into my business.

Sybil is pretty adamant. Although not on the list, one of the problems I have is that I kind of don't blame the guy. Obviously, he should have face the issues WAY before bringing three kids into the mix. It isn't like his wife suddenly turned into a harpy. However, this is only what is seen in public. We cannot know the inner-workings of the marriage. Therefore, I don't have any right to insert myself into it.

Any thoughts on the matter?

Happy Holidays or Humbug?

Ah, the holidays. Sybil and I survived Thanksgiving, barely. I got myself a nice speeding ticket on the way to my parents' house, so that made for good conversation. Luckily, it was early in the trip, and Sybil was able to let me know how she felt. In her defense, I have an almost neurotic need to be punctual. Since we were already running over an hour late, I really put the pressure on myself. Good that's over, now I get to hear about how much the ticket cost.

It's that crazy time of the year. I HATE IT. So much of Christmas has nothing to with Christ Mass. Buying presents, shopping, fighting the crowds all make for a stressful time of the year. I never get into the spirit of the holiday until about five to seven days before Christmas. Usually, I have finished my shopping and am lounging about. Hopefully, that happens again this year.

For me the best thing is Christmas Day. I look forward to cooking the dinner all year. The menu is turkey (might be goose this year), cornbread dressing (I'm sorry, Yankees, but cornbread dressing is waaaaay better than stuffing.), mashed potatoes (is that with an "e"?), rolls, and maybe a salad. Nothing healthy. Last year's turkey was, in a word, awesome. I'm hoping to repeat. I gotta stop; I'm making myself hungry.

No! Really?!?

Women talk three times as much as men, says study. I thought it was my imagination. Little did I know that the incessent noise called mundane conversation has a biological link. Maybe that is why women feel that men don't really listen to them. The important stuff is lost in the static. Money quote:

Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices, a new book suggests.

After I have a conversation with one of my male friends, Sybil always asks what we talked about. I always say, "Nothing." I knew I was right. This explains the frustration Sybil has with me because she feels I don't tell her anything. I can't get a word in edge-wise.

Is Divorce the Answer?

Anon commented on my last post:

Dump her. Having to make her own living for a year might get her to pull her head out of her ass and be grateful. Or at least get her to act more mature than a 5-year-old.

Actually, my 5-year-old acts more mature than she just did.

Well, Anon, it isn't as if that thought hasn't crossed my mind from time to time. I'm thinking that he/she hasn't read my previous posts, nor my "Posts of Note." That's ok, because most of us don't do that with a new (to us) blog. I have brought up this question before. I have posed this question to myself from time-to-time. Why do any of us stay in a marriage that seems rocky? In comparison to some I read about, mine actually seems pretty good. Actually, if not for the petty bickering, it's really good.

For awhile on this blog, I referred to my wife as the Wife. As I wrote, read what I wrote, and thought extensively about her, I decided a new moniker was needed: Sybil. Sybil was the character played by Sally Fields. This was the supposedly true story of a person with multiple personalities. Early in our marriage, I would laughingly call my wife "Sybil" to her face. She tends to be emotionally labile. For someone like myself who tends not to display emotion, overt emotional displays are difficult to handle. Fortunately, the tempest that blows the hardest tends to wind itself down the fastest.

Now the question at hand: divorce. I hate divorce. Looking outside in, it seems that divorce creates nearly as many problems as it possibly solves. Divorced couples are still having to deal with the other person. If there was anger and resentment before divorce, just wait until afterwards. Throw in a long, drawn out divorce proceeding, and there will be no survivors. I'm sure with Sybil there would be a long, difficult divorce. Hell hath no fury like Sybil scorned. The end result, I'm sure, would be two people that can't stand each other, children that are alienated and think they have to choose sides, and financial ruin.

Would I be happier after a divorce? Obviously, I can't really say. Despite all of Sybil's warts, I don't want to find out. I'm mature enough to know that there is no perfect someone. The only enticement to divorce is the peace. That peace and quiet does come once a year, when she and the kids visit her family for a week. It's nice for awhile, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I find myself missing her and the children. After a divorce, I would not have my children around me as much. That would be too painful to bear.

In the end no marriage is perfect. Although my parents warned me that being married took an incredible effort, nothing can prepare someone for it. Experiencing marriage and living full time with someone is indescribable. No one is easy to live with after a life time. One has to make accommodations with their spouse, or there is nothing but stress and unhappiness. If Sybil left me (she has threatened on occasion), I would survive. Who knows; I might be happier? That has to be her decision. If she chooses to go down that dark path, I'll be saddened and wondering what I could have done differently (after 13 years, probably many things). However, I will not lay on the floor in the fetal position. I've never quit anything in my life. I'll not start now.

Crime and Punishment

I'm not rewriting a long, Russian novel.

Background: I finally came home Monday night at 9 pm. Left home at 7:20 am. That's over twelve hours (for the mathematically challenged). Not only did I have to get up and do my usual routine (get myself and three kids ready and out the door before 7:30 am) and work, but also I had an hour long meeting at church. Anyway, got home and helped with the domestic stuff a bit. After a long day I thought I would watch a little football and have a beer. Now, unlike many men, I do not do this on a regular occasion. Although I enjoy watching sports, I rarely do. Also, I hadn't seen Sybil all day, so I hugged her a bit and gave her a kiss prior to sitting down. She joined me in watching the game. I taught her what a fullback middle screen is (I love TiVo), played with her hair (something she really enjoys), and talked about the day's events. Half time comes, so I decide to get that beer and her a glass of water. Sybil asks if I'm ready to go to upstairs (to bed). Since I had just opened my beer and sat back down, I said if you're tired go on ahead, don't wait for me, and I'll be there in a bit.

The crime:
Thinking only of myself and wanting to isolate myself from her. The evidence is I missed the point of question "are you ready to go upstairs." Although we had been affectionate towards each other that night, I was unaware that it was a form of foreplay. Until she became pissed off, I had no idea. Sybil hadn't said anything verbally. The affection was there, but it is there many times (unless she's pissed off).

The Punishment:
A long argument ensued. We were at it until after midnight. Sybil had left the bed to sleep on the couch. Two days later, she is barely speaking to me. As of last night, she has said she regrets lowering her guard and would not do it again. I have apologized many times, and I do feel bad about disappointing her. I explained that didn't know that I should expect sex every time she shows any affection. My defense was to no avail.

Although Sybil has a right to be disappointed and hurt, she has decided that I should be punished. I'm beginning to feel that she is acting like a spoiled child. I feel that she is throwing a fit, when she doesn't get what she wants. Am I wrong? I always thought people in a marriage should try to reach an understanding and help the other person. I didn't know we could punish each other like children.

When's my parole?

Help Meeeeee

The Witches of Eastwick
written by Michael Cristofer, from novel by John Updike

(Daryl wanders in slowly, bewildered, bitter, very angry, shouting at times)
Daryl: Sorry. Just having a little trouble, a little trouble at home. A little domestic trouble. Nothing to be alarmed at, just a little...female problem. Hi! (vomits on the crowd) Don't pay any attention! It's a cheap trick! Anybody can do it, I taught it to them myself! Ungrateful little BITCHES aren't they? Can I ask you something? You're all church going folk. I really want to ask you something. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created...woman? Huh? No shit! I really want to know. Or do you think it was another one of His...minor mistakes like Earthquakes. Tidal waves. (kicks something out of his way) Floods! (pause) Think women are like that? (vomits again and looks around) What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Course He does. We all make mistakes! (pounding his chest) Of course when we make mistakes they call it evil! (grand gesture with mocking reverence) When God makes mistakes they call it nature! So what do you think? Women. A mistake?! Or did He DO IT TO US, ON PURPOSE? (pause) Because I really want to know! Because if it's a mistake maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune system! (laughing) Get a little exercise! You know, (grandiose) twenty push-ups a day, and you never have to be afflicted with women, EVER AGAIN!

Developing...

Everyone's a Little Queer

...but me and thee, and thee's a little strange.

That was told to me by a college friend. It was a saying his grandmother would use, whenever people were gossiping. Gossip. That ugly word. I don't know anyone that doesn't engage in gossip at least a little. Some do nothing but gossip. Although it may be based on truth, gossip usually doesn't get the whole truth. The damage done by gossip is irreparable.

A story that illustrates gossip is the preacher that was supposedly having an affair with the church secretary. All of the congregation were involved in spreading these rumors about the leader of the flock. There was talk of firing the preacher, or firing the secretary, or both. Well, lo and behold, none of it was true. No affair was taking place. In the spirit of Christian love, the congregation went to the preacher to ask for forgiveness. The preacher instructed the congregation to take a feather pillow to the top of the local mountain, rip it open, scatter the feathers, and pick up every feather. It cannot be done. The rumor will always float around on the next breeze.

I bring this up due to a couple with whom Sybil and I go to church. Let's call the wife Jane and the husband Dick (no pun intended). There is a rumor floating around that Dick is emotionally (for now) involved with a married woman. There are phone calls. She calls him numerous times throughout the day. Her husband is spreading gossip about his wife and Dick. Knowing Dick and Jane, all of this seems to be very hard to believe. Although Jane can be abrasive and tends to talk down to Dick, they have been married about 15 years and have three children. The gossip and innuendo swirling around Dick and Jane have been the talk of everyone. The problem is NO ONE knows what is happening, except the wife and Dick and maybe Jane. All of this talk is just that: talk. Destructive talk. Now, whenever we look at Dick and Jane, we wonder.

This got Sybil to thinking and imagining. She has a wonderfully active imagination and likes to noodle things about. She asked me, if I worry about her doing the same thing the wife and Dick have done. I answer that, although the thought has gone through my mind, I don't actively worry about it. I have had moments of concern but not actual worry. Wrong answer. I should be worried. If I'm not worried, then I don't care. Oops, my bad. Now, the conversation has taken a turn into the surreal. I keep expecting Rod Stirling to start his monologue. What's that sign post up ahead?

The problem was my focusing only on the word "worry." To me that means that one is in a state of angst. "Worry" goes beyond occasional concern or "what if." Worry, to me, becomes every waking moment, loss of sleep, weight pressing down kind of thing. Am I wrong? Am I being too literal, as Sybil says?

I know I did not do a good job of easing Sybil's insecurity. I was unable to convince her that, just because I don't worry, doesn't mean I don't care. Can another person allay one's insecurities? I didn't tell Sybil that I don't care. I did say that I had moments of concern, but it didn't fill my waking hours. Does that mean I take her for granted?

Damn feathers.

Spoke Too Soon?

Had a good one this weekend with Sybil. For some reason it's always the weekends. Anyway, it all started with Son #2's friend sleeping over.

First, a little background: Son#2's friend is, shall we say, high strung. One time while sleeping over, he refused to eat pancakes because we had the wrong syrup. He doesn't play well with others. Once he gets focused on something, he will not change course without a major blow-up.

Saturday night we had some friends over to hang out, watch football, and eat dinner. We had checked with this friend to see what he wanted for dinner. The first thing he said was "mushroom pizza from _____." This is very telling because he names the pizzeria and will accept no pizza from anywhere else. Since no one else wanted pizza, we asked if spaghetti with marinara sauce would be ok. Yes, that was acceptable. We placed the order (no food in the house, of course), and Sybil went to get it. When Sybil returned and we called everyone to dinner, this friend was told that we had gotten spaghetti for him. He walked off saying he wasn't hungry. He was not impolite nor did he pitch a fit. I tried to talk to him and explained that he said spaghetti would be ok. He refused to join us for dinner and stayed in basement away from everyone.

When I rejoined the group, our other guests were surprised by the reaction and were making comments about eating what was served, strangeness of the boy, etc. I made two comments: "when I was growing up, I was given a two choices: eat what was prepared or fix it myself," and "he is a little high strung." Now, Son#1 (who is 12) was there. He was making comments before and after I made these two comments along with the other people. Sybil did not like my comments. She, nicely, asked me to stop making those type of statements. I did not feel that I had done anything wrong and became a little loud in my defense. This only exacerbated the situation further. Sybil called me aside to talk to me. Long story short (too late, right?): we did not agree.

Fast forward to last night. Sybil needs closure on this incident and brings it up again. I, again, say that what I said was not all that bad. She maintains that it was not a good influence on our son. She adds that I only reinforced his bad behavior. I still maintain that what I did was nothing more than vent some frustration. We did not reach an agreement. Sybil thinks I am insensitive and was not a good role model in this instance. I think I made two small, innocuous comments.

Oh, the child in question got to eat his pizza. However, I'm still in the doghouse.

What Can I Say?

I don't have much drama with Sybil, so I haven't been keeping ya'll entertained with our hi-jinks. We had a decent-sized argument this past weekend. It was mostly about me not listening to her or taking her seriously. I think...I can't remember.

This blog was started as a way for me to vent my frustrations of feeling victimized. This process has taught me that I have to own my part of the problem, too. We all have personality problems. Some more than others. My problem is focus. I tend to lose focus and let my mind wander. Sometimes I wonder, if I have ADD. This personality flaw causes great friction with Sybil. She believes that I, purposefully, ignore what she says and don't respect her. While I don't consciously ignore what she says nor do I not intentionally disrespect her, I do admit to finding myself somewhere else during conversations. It takes a great deal of effort to remain with her and engaged at times.

Two things have helped smooth things over between us. I make myself stop whatever I am doing or thinking so I just focus on her, and I have come to realize that Sybil is a passionate person. Unfortunately, I am not. This causes great consternation on my part, since she is very expressive during a conversation. She feels that she is not "getting onto me," but her way of speaking and body language seems to suggest otherwise. When we are having these types of "discussions," I must remain calm and listen to the words and not read the body language. I'm surprised at how much Sybil's body language causes my emotions to flair.

Denial is a powerful thing and breaking through it is difficult. No one likes to look at themselves in a negative light. My journey of self-improvement continues.

A Nation of Pansies

With more and more schools losing recess in favor of gym, this story is indicative of the future. Is it any wonder that Ridalin and other drugs for ADD and ADHD are fastest growing segment of the pharmaceutical industry? When can kids be kids?

Now we find that the game of tag is outlawed. We are afraid that a child might get hurt. Give me a break! What are kids supposed to do? Are they that delicate? How are we going to raise a nation of entrepreneurs and risk-takers without giving children the chance to fail? We can't expect them to able to handle adversity without strength of character.

Am I alone in the wilderness?

YES! We should pay teachers more!

I hope my kids get this teacher. I may get flamed for it, but sending a kid to detention for being correct is too much. Although this happened awhile ago, I'm constantly amazed by the lack of learning my kids' teachers have. I can't tell you how many times we've gotten notes with typos and bad grammar. I can live with typos, but if a principal cannot make a coherent sentence, then she should be fired.

Resentment

Jesus said to him, "I don't tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:22.

I have a confession to make: I have been resenting Sybil. I have not been a very forgiving person. I have not confronted her enough on she makes me feel. Resentment was allowed to take hold and harden my heart. Sadly, it affected me in a way that I had never expected. I found myself not wanting to be near her, talk with her, touch her. I just wanted to be somewhere else. I would not let myself forgive her for her faults.

The weight was lifted, when I forgave her. Sybil is human. She has many more admirable qualities than I write about. Unfortunately, I chose to focus only on the things that were negative. The power of forgiveness of which Jesus speaks isn't necessarily about helping the person doing wrong, but it is also about healing the person wronged. Forgiveness liberates one from the past. I was shackled to my past dealings with Sybil. I had allowed these events to shape me and affect my behavior.

Achieving a state of Grace allows one to start loving that person. Agape love is much more powerful than romantic love. How can a person love another, when he has resentment in his heart? He cannot. There is only room for one not both. I am ashamed to say that I was not Graceful towards Sybil. One may say that she does not deserve my forgiveness. Who, among us, really does? We are all fallen creatures. Achieving love and grace is the closest we can come to being Godly.

I hope those who are that point of pushing out love from their hearts will rethink their feelings. Forgiveness is truly Divine.

The Rise and Fall of America

In these last few posts I have sounded rather depressed. I always get this way, whenever an election is looming. Although I didn't start this blog to espouse my political point of view, I am depressed. It has nothing to do with Sybil. We are doing very well, thank you for caring. She has loosened up with regards to sex, and I learned to let her rantings not get me riled up.

First of all a disclaimer: I did not vote for a major party candidate during the last election. I have come to view the two parties as an amalgamation of one ruling party. Neither the Republicats nor the Democans are worth a plug nickel. I do not blame them. It is our fault for allowing them to seize power. How did this happen? Well, this might shed some light. We, as a whole, have managed to raise a society of people that have been coddled from birth until the grave. We are ENTITLED to a job, health care, retirement, etc. It is only getting worse. This 15 year old girl has been glorified for the excess laid upon her by her mother. Parents are no longer parenting. Heaven forbid we damage our child's self-esteem. We MUST pave the road ahead for little Johnny. Oh my gosh! What if he skins his knee?

Personally, I'm a little sick of it. I am saddened by what I am seeing. Our duty as parents is to prepare our children for the rough road of life. Life is hard. Unfortunately, The Cult of Low Expectations has taken over, and the barbarians are at the gate.

I'll get off of my soap box now.

Bored

I'm bored with blogging right now. As if you haven't guessed! That's probably the main reason I haven't posted as much of late. Sybil is the same, but I'm learning how to handle her. After 13 years, it's about time. Basically, I just need to let her rant and vent, and then it's ok. When one is not a passionate person (outwardly), then one has a hard time understanding the passionate. Sybil is passionate. I realize her counting every little thing the same as big things makes it hard me, but it makes it harder on her. Alas, she won't change. Of course, neither will I.

Having been a little introspective over the last few days, has made me realize that a lot of my decreased libido was pent up resentment towards Sybil. Finding grace and letting it go is what I am striving towards. It isn't easy. I'm a "keep-things-bottled-up" kind of guy. Her libido is still higher than mine, but I am accommodating her desires.

I'm not shutting down the blog or anything. However, I reserve the right to change my focus. Since Sybil and I have really improved over the last six months, I find myself with less to post about. Also, I'm starting to feel that all I'm doing is whining about my situation. Therefore, I'll probably be posting on various relationship-type stuff.

I'm sure that I'll keep everyone entertained with a Sybil story now and then. She does like to create drama. I'll leave you with this example:
This morning she had to take the kids to school. I get out of the shower to see her using the bathroom. Instead of saying, "Would you mind leaving the shower on so I can use it?", she says. "You know, it'd be nice if you left the shower on for me. I did that for you yesterday." Nice.

Not Back in the Saddle Again

Thank you for being patient. I didn't mean to have a hiatus. It just happened. Honest. I've had some things come up, so my time available for blogging has diminished. Also, I felt like I was beginning to sound like a broken record. Although I started this blog to vent my frustrations with Sybil, my posts were starting to take on a "whiny" quality, to me anyway. The crossroads was what I could post about, besides the intermittent conflict with Sybil and me. I'm sorry to say that something else has come up: my libido has disappeared.

I'm not sure where it went. It didn't leave a forwarding address. I don't know, if this is a temporary holiday or if it left town for good. It boils down to being a little scary. Until this point, I felt that I was pretty average about my needs. I tend to be average in every way, and my libido was no exception. I was happy with my ~3 episodes a week. Unfortunately, these last few weeks I would rather sleep than get it on.

What are causes of a low libido in a man? This is uncharted territory for me. Is it stress at work? Work has been stressful, but I'm not sure it is any more stressful than usual. Is it stress at home? Well, reading my blog gives one the sense of how stressful home can be. After 13 years of marriage, I'm not sure it is any more stressful. Am I ill? I feel physically fine. In fact, I'm in better shape at 37 than at 27. Has Sybil let herself go? No, she looks great. Am I bored? Possibly. I can't imagine that causing such a lowering of the libido. As a test, I looked at pornography sites, and there was no reaction. Unusual for me. Am I numb to it? Maybe. I stopped looking at those sites for a long time, because I was afraid of what they might do. I was afraid of producing unrealistic needs.

At first glance, it would be easy to blame Sybil for my decline. Her boundaries are pretty tight. However, that seems like an easy way out. A cop out. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this problem I own and how much is hers. Maybe I'm being neurotic. If so, that's a new thing for me, too. I do think that living the stress at the office and then reliving it with Sybil doesn't help. By the time I have retold my day's exploits, I'm exhausted.

I sat down with Sybil last night to voice my concerns. She had noticed a decline, but she attributes that to us being tired. I have my days of being totally wiped out, and she definitely has to have about ten hours of sleep to function. The other thing she attributes it to are the arguments about her boundaries. We all have boundaries. I will, under no circumstances, engage in sexual activities with midgets. Sybil feels that I am uncertain as to what I can and cannot do. That's part of it too. When the clothes come off, isn't that when the fun begins? Do I have to worry about pushing her too far? I'm not talking about anything wild, either.

My heart goes out to the women with low libido men. I think their men are doing them a disservice. I feel that I am letting Sybil down in that regard. It isn't fair to not have one's needs met. I'm supposed to meet her needs as best as I can.

Maybe I'm thinking too much.

The Fork in the Road

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." -- Yogi Berra

That's kind where I'm at right now. Things are going ok. I'm not dead or even very sleepy. Kind of in a bit of a cross roads. I'll post more later. Just wanted to let all of my readers (both of them) know that I'm still alive.