My Journey of Self-Improvement

Well, I barely survived this weekend. Naturally, Sybil and I had two big arguments. As she sees it, they were all my fault. I see her points on both, but I'm having a hard time coping with the idea that they are this big of a deal.

Argument #1 was on Saturday afternoon. For reasons I won't go into, I had very little sleep the night before. Naturally, we had the whole day planned down to the microsecond. Long story short, Sybil suggested we start cleaning the house for the cleaning lady (don't get me started) instead of waiting for the last minute. I agreed that I didn't want to wait until the last minute but suggested to wait until Sunday (she comes on Tuesday), because we usually have less things going on. She became angry saying that I took what she said and "flushed it down the toilet." I countered by saying I merely contradicted what she said. I agreed about the last minute thing but not about the need to do it in the hour and a half "down time" we had before the next event. Naturally, she countered with the need to work on things with the time we have rather than procrastinate. Sunday rolls around, and we don't have time to work on the house because of church activities that had to be done right then (according to Sybil). The house cleaning was started by me in the hour I had between activities on Sunday. We still have a long way to go. On an aside, a cleaning person sounds great in theory but in practice seems to be creating more marital strife.

Argument #2 started last night. We finally get home around 8:30pm. Sybil and I had nothing to eat for dinner. Since she is taking some high dose antibiotics for a skin infection from a bug bite, she must eat every time she takes the medicine. There was some left over fried rice that I was hoping we could share. After getting all my stuff done and coming into the house, I notice that she had eaten all but 2 spoonfuls. I comment that she ate nearly all of it. She states that Son #2 helped. I say "whatever" and proceed to try to find something to eat. Which, by the way, was fruitless because Sybil doesn't grocery shop. My one word seemed to speak volumes to her. She decided I was being uncaring about her condition, I was being rude to her, and basically being a jerk. I explained my irritation of not having anything to eat. I did not mean it as a rude comment. I apologized more than twice. She did not accept it. Sybil felt I was not caring about her situation. I countered that I was the one who talked her into going to the doctor.

Apparently, my journey of self-improvement is going slowly. As I try to improve myself to make Sybil happy, I seem to take one step forward and at least two steps back. Not the way I had envisioned it.

Enjoying the Ride

Sybil has reverted back to her normal, loving, patient self. The week after her period is usually the best week. We actually enjoyed two days of great, wild, monkey sex. Unfortunately, she has some kind of dermatitis on her leg. The doc put her on high dose antibiotics, so much for the fun. The fear of antibiotics interfering with her BCPs put a damper on things.

As I walk through life, I learn that I cannot expect Sybil to change herself. Some (all?) is beyond her control. I'm convinced that her monthly cycle plays havoc with her moods and personality. Men really don't get it. At least I don't. This woman with the qualities I wrote about above will become some kind of demoness at the flip of a switch. Anyway, like I said, I can't change or control her. It is incumbent on me to be the best husband I can be. I must take responsibility for my faults, and there are many.

I must become more attentive. I must become a better listener. I must be more patient. When Sybil is again in the middle of her other self, I must not allow myself to be pulled into situations. It may be a Herculean task, but I must strive for it.

Although I will never be a perfect husband, that cannot be an excuse. If Sybil will not see how different she can act (I have discussed it during calm days) and understand the strain it puts on our marriage, I cannot change that.

Hang on tight! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

What is Wrong with Me?

I seem to have it all: a wife who loves me, very attractive, enjoys sex, etc. Although I complain about her, I do love her. Her nickname, Sybil, isn't too flattering, but I'm convinced it isn't her fault. Hormonal changes are hell. Now that the storm has passed (again), she is back to usual self. The woman I fell in love with.

However, I find myself waiting more. I find myself fantasizing about sexual practices Sybil will not participate in. I find myself checking out other women, although they are not as physically attractive as Sybil. Mentally undressing them. Am I never to be satisfied with what I have? I admit it is purely a physical thing. What does that say about me? Am I a shallow, empty vessel? Am I perverted? To confront Sybil with these thoughts would signal the beginning of Armageddon. I am not prepared for the end of the world. Yet, how do I turn these thoughts off? It has to be more than straight horniness, because I can have sex on a fairly routine basis. Have I become focused too much on sex? I seem to think on it often. Am I just bored?

As disturbing as these thoughts are, I will not act upon them. I love Sybil and my family too much to destroy it. The pain and suffering brought on by an action based on these thoughts is enough to keep me from doing anything stupid. At least I hope that's enough.

Digging up the Past

Well, last night was spent examining my past sex life prior to being married to Sybil. There's nothing like being under a microscope and/or being dissected for something that happened over 13 years ago. Like a lot of young people, I was a bit of a hedonist. However, I still had my morals and values. At least compared to many people I was around. Since Sybil had only 2 sex partners prior to me (although apparently they screwed like rabbits), she doesn't understand how I could be so shallow. This is especially in regards to my view on oral versus vaginal sex. As I stated before, I had the notion that oral sex (or any other contact other than vaginal) was, to me, less intimate than vaginal. The risks of pregnancy alone meant that vaginal sex was to be done only in a committed relationship. I can count on one hand the number of women I had vaginal intercourse with prior to marrying Sybil. However, she lumps all sex to the same level of intimacy. Let' s be clear: I was not some slut running around bagging every babe I could. For the most part, I could usually be found in a committed relationship. So last night I endured a two hour long interrogation into my past sexual proclivities. Fun stuff!

It started with her hearing from one of her girlfriends about some happenings at the local middle school. Apparently, some of the kids play a game called "rainbow." The idea is to get as many different shades of lipstick on a guys penis from as many girls as possible. She also learned about "tossed salad." The whole thing was both fascinating and repulsive to her. Sybil has a hard time understanding how people can be so blase about oral sex. These kids were going so far as to have anal sex to maintain virginity.

This led to the deep discussion of my rough and rowdy past. However, the biggest thing was the fact I couldn't remember the first time I had sex with my girlfriends (there were four of them). I told her that it was a long time ago for me, and I had closed that chapter of my life. I had chosen not to remember those days. She couldn't believe I had forgotten that. Next thing I know, she says, "If we ever got divorced, you'll probably forget ours too." Now, I haven't forgotten our first time. I even described it to her. Of course, I couldn't help thinking, "If we get divorced, I'm going to try to forget as much as I can." I doubt me saying that would have helped my cause.

Never a dull moment with Sybil.

Resentment and Letting Go

Had another one with Sybil last night. Basically, the thing was set into motion by my reaction. She had called to ask me to do something. I told I had already done it. She said, "Oh really, how did you do it?" Now, my little brain heard "Oh really, I bet you screwed it up." Sybil says she was not trying to pick a fight, belittle me, or anything. I told her that what I really wanted to hear was "Oh really, I was hoping you would do that" or something along those lines. She became extremely annoyed with me because I would not give the great detail she desired. She felt I was being defensive and had my shields up. Upon reflection, I guess I did.

In the past, I have had to endure criticism for everything I've done from Sybil. From the way I speak to people in public to the way I fold clothes. Forgive me, if I'm a little defensive. The sad part is I did this small, little task in love and hoping for acknowledgement. In that area, I failed. How does one let go of resentment? How does one change how one reacts to another person? How does one retool their thinking and behavior? How does one let go of the past?

I have not been the nicest person of late. My fuse has become exceedingly short. I do not like that about myself. Yet, I seem unable to change my reactions. As I ponder the causes, I can come up with a list of potential issues. However, I have to take responsibility for it. Living with someone with a short fuse is no piece of cake. I have first hand knowledge of it. Sybil's fuse has always been short. She has improved, but I've been to wrapped up in my petty resentment to see it. Now I must get better.

Sybil will always be a critic. I cannot change that. However, I must not allow someone else to dictate my behavior. That is the trick. The closer someone is, the more influence they have.

I'm Back!

Survived these few days off. Sybil and I only had a couple of minor blow-ups. As always, it boiled down to me saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I won't bore with details. Except, I was in the wrong. I apologized; she accepted; and we moved on. She didn't feel the need to deliver an hour long lecture on what I "should" and "need" do to better myself.

Also, I had a birthday during my time off. I'm old enough to know better, yet young enough to do it. It was low key. Son #1 had baseball practice.

We didn't really do much this time off. Of course, I didn't get to do enough of my "selfish pursuits." It's not my fault Sybil doesn't want to join in. I'm supposed to sit back and act happy about spending an hour and a half looking at athletic shoes with her. Unfortunately, she'll never use them as they were intended. If I brought this up, I'm sure I would have another lecture on what I "should" and "need" do.

On a happy note, Sybil and I had some pretty decent sex. That seems to be the one area where we don't have too many blow-ups. Except for oral sex: she is too self-conscious and doesn't want me to start expecting it. I did get a BJ on my birthday. I guess it'll be next year before the next one. I think it is a control issue for her.

Speaking of sex, Sybil and I got onto the topic of whether I prefer oral sex or vaginal sex. I stated oral. From a purely physical sensation, oral sex is much better (especially if she swallows...another post on another day). If that makes me perverted, sue me. I explained that the mouth is much more versatile than a vagina. The sensations are much more mind-blowing than vaginal. Personally, my favorite position is 69 with the woman on top. I let her know that, and I wanted to try it again. She said we had, and she didn't like it. Of course, that was about 10 years ago. However, I do think vaginal intercourse produces an emotional connection that is stronger than oral. When I was dating, I wouldn't have vaginal intercourse with a woman unless we were pretty serious. I'm not sure why this comes as a surprise to her. I've been very consistent in this view. I guess it's her "hang-up." We all have them.

I hope everyone has a great Easter holiday. See ya!

My 100 Things About Me

Well, I'm going to take a break from Sybil bashing and post my 100 things about me. Things are going pretty good between us right now. I am working on communicating and confronting my issues with her. She is working on patience and understanding. Anyway, I wanted to get this in before our next blow-up. Without further ado:

1. I am extremely likeable in person.
2. I can talk to anyone about anything.
3. I can be a great BSer, in terms of number 2.
4. Although I am sociable, I like my solitude.
5. I love the world, but I don't always like the people in it.
6. My kids are my foundation.
7. Sybil and I "had" to get married because she became pregnant after dating about 6 months.
8. Although we've had our ups and downs, I'd say we've done very well considering number 7.
9. All of my children were "surprises."
10. I love being outside.
11. My job keeps me inside.
12. I am highly educated.
13. Sometimes I'm not too bright.
14. I have a pilot's license and an instrument rating.
15. With a wife and 3 kids, I don't get to fly much.
16. I wish I had listened to my father and joined the Army.
17. I wanted to be in tanks and blow things up.
18. I have a tattoo.
19. It is my fraternity letters with crossed swords.
20. I did it before tattoos were "cool."
21. I worry about my past sins being visited upon my children (what goes around comes around).
22. This might be way too introspective.
23. My mother was a nut job until I moved out of the house.
24. I don't see the correlation.
25. I have communication issues.
26. I fear rejection.
27. I have self-esteem problems.
28. Numbers 25, 26, and 27 make it hard to open up with Sybil.
29. Don't laugh; you'll just encourage me.
30. I love baseball much more now that my sons play it.
31. I've always loved football ( both playing and watching).
32. I kind of hope my sons don't play it.
33. I have the habit of saying exactly the wrong thing.
34. I love to make people laugh.
35. I used to be laid back.
36. I don't know what changed me.
37. I'm trying to get back there.
38. I learned in college that love doesn't conquer all.
39. Indians can be racist.
40. I used to love to drink.
41. Not so much anymore.
42. I love a good cigar.
43. The public schools made sure to turn my children against my cigars.
44. I never smoked in the house.
45. I used to think of myself as perverted.
46. Thanks to some blogs I've read (not on my roll BTW, LOL!), I no longer do.
47. I believe pornography destroys.
48. Man, as I get older I get much more conservative.
49. I loath both political parties.
50. I voted Libertarian in 2004.
51. I'll probably do it again in 2008.
52. I think the government is evil.
53. I'm over half done.
54. I'm fairly easy to please.
55. I don't have high expectations.
56. I work too much.
57. I'm too much in debt not to.
58. I fear poverty.
59. I grew up poor (lower middle class).
60. My mother and father smoked like chimneys, yet mom couldn't afford a winter coat.
61. People have their priorities out of whack.
62. After New Year's Eve I can only drink beer.
63. Since getting out of college and earning an income, I can no longer drink cheap beer.
64. Sybil is Chinese.
65. Sometimes that creates friction because of different cultures, although she came to the US when she was six (legally, I might add).
66. My kids are better athletes than I was.
67. I'm wrapped around my daughter's finger.
68. I'm not sure I'll get to 100.
69. I don't have any regrets.
70. I think people get divorced too soon.
71. My family has communication issues.
72. I don't get enough exercise.
73. I wish I only needed five hours of sleep.
74. I love Spring.
75. My birthday is in the Spring.
76. I tend to be cynical. That's why I have low expectations of people.
77. I blog; therefore, I am.
78. I'm always surprised someone comments on one of my posts.
79. Sometimes I think this blog is too negative.
80. I am a closet optimist.
81. I wanted to be a marine biologist.
82. I sunburn too easily.
83. The only positive comment from my mother-in-law is that I have nice ears.
84. I'll take what I can get.
85. The good thing about my parents-in-law is that I can't understand most of what they say.
86. I dream of backpacking the AT.
87. With three kids, a lot of debt and a wife, it'll never happen.
88. Ironically, I'm a man of leisure.
89. Although it's near the bottom, I do love my wife.
90. Sometimes I wish she'd go away.
91. She can be a nag.
92. As I get older, I can't lay in the bed for very long.
93. That sucks.
94. One good thing about blogging is the catharsis.
95. It keeps me from getting much work done.
96. I need to take more time off.
97. I've never been to Disney World.
98. I received my first blow job whilst my family was gone to Disney World. I was 16.
99. I've loved them ever since.
100. Finally, my last one.

There ya go. Have a good weekend. I'm on vacation next week (finally). I don't know how much I'll be blogging.

Do Opposites Attract, and Is It a Good Thing?

How do we actually get to know our spouse? It is very hard during the dating time, because there is a lot emotion tied in with it. Also, we think these differences are cute and interesting. We fall into the trap of thinking we'll somehow change their mind (or them). We delude ourselves into thinking that the issue won't become a big deal. I'm here to tell you that after years of being together, they can become a real pain the arse.

Sybil and I have many differences. Naturally, we have some likenesses. Unfortunately, these likenesses are of a big picture, general sense. I can sum up Sybil's and my differences thusly: she lacks a sense of adventure. Examples:

1. I really enjoy backpacking. I could go every chance I get. There a "zenful" feeling of hiking 8 to 10 miles and then sleeping in a tent. Sybil has never and will never do that. I'm left going by myself. She feels it is too much work and effort for very little reward. Of course having never done it, how does she know?
2. I really enjoy roller coasters. We have a rather large amusement park nearby. They have two roller coasters and several other rides. Unless we go with some friends of ours, I usually have to ride them by myself. Luckily, Daughter also enjoys riding them, so that helps. Sybil has only ridden one twice, and it was like pulling teeth.
   
3. I enjoy flying. I've had my pilot's license for about 4 years now. I dream of loading Sybil and me up and taking off for some place fun. She always uses the kids as excuse. What will do about them (the planes I fly only carry 4 people not the 5 needed)? Of course, we could work around that, but she sees no point. It's a big hassle to her.
4. I would like to take the family to the beach. She sees it as too much effort. She sees it as too expensive. However, she will entertain the notion of spending over $2000 on a new couch for the basement, which is nothing but a playroom for the kids and their friends.
5. I enjoy sexual experimentation. I'm not talking about 3somes or barnyard animals or anything like that. I'd settle for oral sex or anything other than the missionary position she enjoys. I have to come up with anything new. I have to put the effort into it. Although she would let me have sex with her every day, willingly, I want more than that. I want her to take the initiative. I want her to open her mind up.
   

Now, before anyone says I need to tell her. I have. Many times. She will justify herself one way or another and refuses to listen. Sybil will barely entertain anything that upsets the status quo. She will not accept that side of me and want to share in it. She just writes me off as being crazy or weird. No matter how many times I talk to her about how I feel, Sybil will use any excuse to stop herself from doing it. It's like she has no zest or zeal for life.

Opposites may attract, but I'm not sure it is a good thing. Being in a relationship with someone completely different is normal. I wouldn't want to be married to someone just like me. However, there must be that common thread. That bond. That wanting to share in all of the experiences of being with the person one loves. Sybil has no desire to share in any of that with me.

Breakthrough

Well, Wednesday afternoon we finally kissed and made up. I opened up my inner problems of feeling stressed all of the time. The stress was/is making me have anger issues. Little things that Sybil does would irritate the crap out of me until I would make a snarky comment. Sybil was/is worried that I am shutting her out. Truth be told, I kind of was. Ironically, it is far easier to open up on a public forum than to the woman I love. Kind of sad in a way. She is also worried that I won't put her first or communicate with her about things. These things aren't even part of our emotional life but even mundane things (to me). Again, there is a lot truth to that. I have a definite problem with communication. Sybil says I treat her on a "need to know basis." I would say that I simply forget to tell her. However, perception is reality. I have things to work on.

Sybil has started to understand that she, also, has some responsibility for how things are. I have made it plain to her that she cannot talk down to me. Period. She seemed to have no clue that she did this. Again, my not communicating my frustrations and irritations to her doesn't help.

Despite our progress, I cannot help but wonder how much is hormonal. I doubt me bringing up this concern will be helpful. Sybil will say I'm shirking responsibility for my behavior. It is ironic that the calmness we are enjoying comes a day or two after her period is over.

Thank you for all of your comments and concern. The kind of strangers.

I Assume Too Much

Don't ever assume because that makes an ASS out of U and ME. Apparently, things are not all right. Sybil told me today that she is not over all the events that have occurred. She asked me if I had not noticed that she was less "touchy-feely"? To tell the truth, no. I've hardly been alone with Sybil, since last week. Let's run down the last few day's events:

• Friday - We had sleepovers, so instead of 3 kids, we had 3 extra kids.
  
• Saturday - We had 6 kids to deal with all morning.
• Saturday afternoon - I took Son#2 to his all afternoon baseball tournament. Got home around 9:00 pm and very tired. She took our other 2 kids plus the 2 others to the nearby city (around 40 minutes away) for shopping and to get out of the house. They got home around 10:30. We all went to bed.
• Sunday - I got everyone up and moving that morning. Sybil took the 2 extra kids plus our older 2 to church. I took Son#2 to finish his baseball tournament. Afterwards, I took him to grab a bite to eat and then to my office. I spent the next 3 hours shampooing the carpets. She took Son#1 to his youth activities, and I took the younger 2 back home. I came down with a massive cold that night and had no sleep.
• Monday - After work I ran a couple of errands (one for Sybil and one for me), went home, and went bed by 7:30 pm (no sleep the night before). She took Son #2 to another baseball game and didn't get home until around 10:00 pm.

Until today, I had been planning a trip to the beach during the kids' Spring Break. No one else in the family has ever been to the beach, so I figure it'll be fun besides we've never really been on a real vacation. Being the blissfully ignorant fool that I am, I think things are going along pretty good. Sybil informs me that she doesn't want to go on a vacation with me, especially given how I've treated her over the past. "Do you really think a vacation will smooth things over with her?" she asks. I tell her that I had no intention of using a vacation to butter her up but for the reasons given above. She tells me that she doesn't want to go with me and didn't I know from the way she has been acting towards me? I tell her that I've barely seen her, so no I didn't know.

When does it end? Sybil has already had her pound of flesh, right? To her I treat her badly and she treats me so well. Ultimately, it is my fault. I have not been demanding enough of her and have let her take me for granted.

Sybil, is that you?

Well, we survived the weekend with our marriage intact. I had my doubts, but here we are. Wife back to her normal self. She is happy and relatively easy going. I'm left asking WTF? She continues the pattern of approximately 5 to 7 days before her period of becoming a bitch from hell.

So, from now on her name is Sybil.

Developing...

Smackdown

Had it out with Wife last night. Nothing was really resolved. I'm still the reason our marriage is in the crapper. It seems I don't care enough. Why does she have this feeling? It has to with last week's comment. I showed her no respect in front of her friends at the spa. To top it all off, I did not keep bringing it up after Friday. She has declared our marriage dead. Wife will love me enough to go through the motions but not love me with her whole heart, whatever that means. But, the icing on the cake was my lack of caring about it enough to bring up the situation (again) after Thursday's and Friday's discussions. She said she basically wants a divorce (or will "love me just enough").

If Wife has a problem with me, shouldn't she be the one to bring it up? All of this over a comment. I asked her, if there was a chance of regaining her love. She answered with a cryptic, "What do you think?" She thanked me for teaching her to put her guard up and that was it. I can understand her frustration, but when does it end?

Developing...

Nothin' New

Not much different going on here. Wife and I are keeping things superficial. I really hate confrontation, but I know I will have to take initiative. The thing that happened last Thursday is still reverberating today. I'm not sure I can get over it.

1. How does one get over being called rude and inconsiderate at nearly every turn?
2. How does one get over being berated over a stupid comment over and over?
3. How does one get over the anger and blow-ups?
4. How does deal with the stress of work and the greater stress of living with someone like Wife?

I know Wife feels the same way in many ways. She blames me for all that is wrong in the marriage, not that I'm ducking responsibility.

I grew up living with a woman that threw tantrums on a fairly regular basis. Am I doomed to live with someone like that?

Happy Anniversary/St. Patty's Day

Today is my parent's 40th Anniversary. Pretty amazing stuff, when viewed in light of the high divorce rate that started in their generation. As I reflect on their marriage, I ask myself: how does a couple stay married for that long without one killing the other and trying to hide the body?

As chronicled here in this blog, my marriage has its definite ups and downs. Last night we had another fight until about 2:00am, so if my post makes no sense, please forgive me. What did we fight about? A very small comment made by me during a moment of frustration. It was snarky, but did it warrant an argument lasting until the wee hours? No. Wife was trying to find out how she can get her full spa day and get to Son #1's teacher meeting at the same time with me saying there is no way she can do it, she just needs to cancel it, and finally saying, "I didn't get to do what I wanted to, either" (that was the comment I made). It was out of frustration because she was did not want to inconvenience the spa staff (by leaving a hole in their schedule at the last minute), thought these meetings never start on time (we were a minute late and the teacher called her on her cell phone to check on us), and thought I could handle it (yes, but I doubt to her specifications). That was our fight.

This morning as I sit and think about my parents. I look back at the fights they had. I realize it is normal to some degree, but at what point does one say screw it and leave? Is there ever a reason for divorce? My faith tells me of only one: adultery. However, this morning as I'm dropping the kids off as she sleeps, I can only think of three reasons: my kids. As much as it pains me to say it, I am tired of being berated for comments made "in the heat of battle." I can understand her stating her irritation, which would be met with my heart-felt apology. However, I do not think I take much more of this.

It seems to me, dear readers, that the best way to screw up a relationship is to marry and have kids. The stresses of living with someone, raising kids, trying to further a career, etc. may be too much. All of this tends to kill the joys of being together. The lasting scars of these conflicts are becoming too much for me (and I think for her, but she will not bear any responsibility for her part in it and just blames me). I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually tired. I'll never understand how my parents did it.

Straw Poll

In a way I'm blessed with a wife that enjoys sex. Also, Wife is a knockout on the outside. Unfortunately, we're never happy with what we have, are we? The problem is that the sex is rather boring. I make a move on her, she takes her clothes off, and lays on her back, expectantly. She makes a move on me and the same thing happens. Although this is enjoyable after a dry spell, I would like a little more...um...effort. All of the foreplay is done by me. She would rather "get it on." Wife seems not to want/need much of a warm-up. Coupled with some serious hang-ups, and one gets boring sex.

The straw poll:

Would you rather have fantastic sex with an ordinary appearing person, OR would you rather have ordinary sex with a fantastic looking person?

Personally, I'd rather have the fantastic sex, because quantity is no substitute for quality.

Quandary

At first I was going to post about needs and expectations, but something happened this weekend to push that onto the back burner.

We have a church friend (friend 1), who went through a sudden divorce about 6 months ago. Almost immediately after the break-up, she started dating another guy. One thing led to another and now they are supposed to be getting married. Unfortunately, it has come to Wife's attention that the friend's boyfriend/fiance has issues. It has filtered to Wife that he answers the friend's cell phone, will not let her leave his sight, and, I think, physically threatened her. To complicate things further, Wife heard all of this through a mutual friend (friend 2). It is obvious to Wife and me that friend 1 is in an abusive relationship, if the facts hold up.

Friday Wife was alone with our Associate Pastor (AP) and told him the story. He became quite concerned and wanted to speak with Friend 2 to make sure he was getting the facts straight. On Sunday morning, after church, AP and friend 2 have a conversation. This conversation leads him to her that he will be contacting Safe Space and meeting with a representative at friend 1's workplace. The idea being to save her from the guy.

quandary: Wife is racked with guilt because of

1. Betrayed friend 2's confidence.
2. The situation may be nothing more than a misunderstanding.
3. Wife may be spreading rumors.

I have told Wife repeatedly that she did the right thing. If it is all a misunderstanding, then she can ask for forgiveness and all will be well. If not, then she may have saved someone from years of pain. I keep spouting the Edmond Burke quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." It may help, but seems to do little to assuage her guilt. I don't know what else to say.

Amazing!

WIND!


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Thanks to shining star.

Aftermath

After I posted the last entry, Wife woke up, when I came back to bed. We argued for about another hour or so. She apologized for waking me up and said that she was not trying to be critical but wanted to know what had not been done for the cleaning lady. The "discussion" boiled down to me asking her what she considered my obligations were. Is it fair to expect me to take on the stress of earning enough money to keep up our standard of living and do 50% of the domestic stuff. Her answer was vague. She considered my obligation to do whatever was needed for the family. I kind of thought I was already.

HTN made an interesting comment. Basically, since I work roughly 10 hours a day earning our money, how much time does she spend on domestic chores? Although Wife does work about 3 or 4 hours a day in the office doing bookkeeping, she does not spend another 6 or 7 hours a day doing domestic chores.

A good snapshot of her day starts with her getting out of bed at around 8:30 am. Wife says she is up at 7:30 (when the kids and I leave), but I rarely see that. She has to sip her coffee while she watches her inane morning shows. It takes her a good hour to get ready for the day, although I admit the effect is stunning. So it is now anywhere from 9:30 to 10:30 am. Now, she does not take time here to straighten the house. The same dishes in the sink will be there, when I come home tonight. For the next 5 hours she will either:

a. Come to the office and work on the bookkeeping
b. Go to the church to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
c. Go to the school to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
d. Shop
c. Anything else that will keep her from home.

At the 3:00 pm she picks up the kids and takes them to whatever after school activities they are doing. At 5:30 to 6:00 I help with running the kids around. Except the first Tuesday of the month. Wife does bonko on that night, so I have to run to all of the various activities without her help.

Yet, Wife will get bent out of shape, if I say she does nothing at home. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Now, don't get me wrong: if she were earning the money and I stayed home, then I would be expected to do the majority of the housework. I totally agree that housework is drudgery but so is any other job. Get over it.

I'm a little bitter. I do not think Wife is keeping her end of the bargain. Is it fair to expect me to earn all of the money and do half of the housework? You tell me.

She Won't Get It

After a long, hard day's work, I finally get to go to bed. I've been asleep for about an hour, when the Wife comes in. She makes a lot of noise in preparation for going to bed. See, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow, so we have to make sure the house is clean. Anyway, I am half asleep, but unbeknownst to me, I am getting the third degree. She, in her rapid fire way, asks, "What did you do, when you got home?" "Why didn't you put up the laundry, the dishes,etc." Meanwhile, I am laying there thinking, "What the hell is going on?" I even ask her twice is there a problem?

A little background information to help set the scene is in order. I work about ten hours a day in a rather stressful occupation which is also my own business. Wife is a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). Each day I get myself and our three kids up, ready and dropped off at school. Wife lays in bed. She might be conscious, when I leave (most times not). We have hired a cleaning woman to come every other week to clean the house; my dress clothes (for work) are sent to a laundry (no ironing); she never cooks; and we rarely have any food in the house.

Because of last fight, I went to this website and downloaded this questionnaire. We each filled it out. She basically said that I don't communicate with her and don't listen to her. Fair enough. I'd say that was a pretty fair assessment, and I am working to improve. My answers revealed that she doesn't show me admiration and does not provide for my domestic needs. She took great umbrage to me saying that she doesn't provide for my domestic needs. We argued for a long time about that. Wife could never really see the light.

So now it is very late (or very early depending on one's point of view). I am pissed off. I am unable to go back to sleep, yet Wife is sound asleep. I was rudely awoken out of a sound sleep and grilled about my activities tonight. When asked why she was home so late from a cooking class, Wife answered they stayed around talking about ghosts. When asked why she didn't call to let me know what's up, she answered that she didn't want to seem rude by leaving the conversation. Lame.

A lot of the blogs I read talk about the lack of physical intimacy, and that is important. In a marriage, there are other things that just as important.

Tagged

I've been tagged by shining star and daddy's lil girl for seven songs that I'm into right now.

In no particular order:

1. Wake Me When September Ends - Greenday
2. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
3. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
4. Flake - Jack Johnson
5. Carmina Burana: O Fortuna - Boston Symphony
6. Boom, Like That - Mark Knopfler
7. Float On - Modest Mouse

Now for seven people:

I'm not sure I know seven bloggers, so I'll send it out to seven people who stop by.

A Year's Worth of Bloggin'

What have I learned in a year's worth of blogging? Too much? Not enough? FTN wondered how blogging has helped me.

I started this blog because I needed a venue to vent my frustrations and emotions. Venting with Wife doesn't work too well. She, like me, wants to solve the problem rather than listen with a sympathetic ear. Besides, most of the stuff I vent about (~90%) is about Wife and our marriage. I want us to have a happy marriage, but it seems we are never quite there.

My list of things I've learned (in no particular order):
1. I'm rather lonely. Kind of sad isn't it? My life is spent working and running with the kids. I don't have time for relationships outside our family. I have one guy friend, and he works more than I do. Blogging has helped me feel connected.
2. I'm probably something of an enabler. I tend to let Wife run roughshod over me. At the end of the day, I simply do not have the energy to fight her over things that are annoying me. Someday I may have to face facts.
3. I'm patient. I can put up with a lot of crap. Self-explanatory to anyone who reads this blog.
4. Although Wife is borderline verbally abusive at times and has a definite psychoness about her, it could be worse. Right? I might not want to dwell too much into that.
5. I have a secret side. We all do. Wife could not handle the things I write here or the comments posted. Let's keep it a secret, shall we?

Writing this blog has been fun. I had a more political blog, but it became boring for numerous reasons. Since Wife and I tend to fight like cats and dogs (I haven't posted about this weekend's long, running gunfight), I'll never run out of material. Unless we divorce. I'm too stubborn to admit failure, so we'll keep plugging along.

HAPPY B-DAY

Shining star reminded me this blog is one year old.

In Summing Up...

Thank you for all of your comments.

So Gone, daddy's lil girl:
Yeah, I think her reaction was over the top. I've communicated that to her on past occurances and the answer I get is a defensive rationalisation: "You (meaning me) did this to me by _________ action." She refuses to see her dark side, or if she does she refuses to acknowlede it to me.

Dating Master, Jerusalem:
I've considered that. I've broached the topic, once. The reaction was a sight to behold. Instead of rationally considering the possibility, she lashed out and said my parents were never married.

Shining star:
Playing me? Maybe. Women are so much better with psyops than men. However, when she is one of her spells, I do not think she is rational.

Synchronicity II

Another suburban family morning
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies
We can't hear anything at all

Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration
But we know all her suicides are fake

Daddy only stares into the distance
There's only so much more that he can take

Many miles away something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark Scottish lake

Another industrial ugly morning
The factory belches filth into the sky
He walks unhindered through the picket lines today
He doesn't think to wonder why

The secretaries pout and preen like cheap tarts in a red light street
But all he ever thinks to do is watch

And every single meeting with his so-called superior
Is a humiliating kick in the crotch

Many miles away something crawls to the surface
Of a dark Scottish lake

Another working day has ended
Only the rush hour hell to face
Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes
Contestants in a suicidal race

Daddy grips the wheel and stares alone into the distance
He knows that something somewhere has to break

He sees the family home now looming in the headlights
the pain upstairs that makes his eyeballs ache

Many miles away there's a shadow on the door
Of a cottage on the shore
Of a dark Scottish lake

Many miles away...

In a Bucket

Well, the good feelings didn't last very long. Although I had made a reminder to myself to watch out (PMS time), I simply forgot.

There we were, Wife and me, driving to the movies to see Pink Panther. She was happily singing a song on the radio. After the song was over, she turned to me and asked me what I thought of her singing. Being the flippant person that I am, I said, "You sounded good even with a bucket." I was, obviously to me, referencing the idiom "can't carry a tune in a bucket." I thought my pithy comment was made in jest. Apparently, I was wrong. I got a three hour third degree.

A little background info might help. Wife is from another country and came to the US, when she was six. She did not have a lot of outside friends and worked in the family business after school from sixth grade to college. English was a second language. Although she has no accent from her native country (Hong Kong), she often times misses the meanings of idioms that I take for granted. There are a lot times that I use these phrases, and she will swear I made them up. I'm not that bright.

Since Wife had never heard the phrase: "can't carry a tune in a bucket," she had no idea what my phrase "can carry a tune even with a bucket" meant. To me the idiom is self-explanatory. No, we had to debate what it is that buckets do. I apologized for using my comment. I made the mistake of saying that she was being purposefully obtuse. As I pulled up to the theatre, I finally explained the phrase "can't carry a tune in a bucket." I apologized for my actions and went to see a mediocre movie.

Back at home, I can tell Wife is still pissed. We were watching one of her favorite TV shows, and I asked her if she was ok and would she like to talk about it. She said that it would make her cry to talk about it. Ok, fine.

Later, in bed she decides it would be a good time to talk about it. Of course, she doesn't have to get her ass out of bed before 11:00, so staying up and arguing is no biggie. It boiled down to me not being considerate of her upbringing and being cold hearted (I did not apologize during the conversation...I had apologized three times, at least, before). She was crying, upset, etc. I guess I am a little cold-hearted, because I thought she made a spectacle of herself. I mean a little bit irritated, sure, but to allow herself to be this emotional is insane.

Also, to top it off, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow, so instead of getting her lazy ass out of bed and straightening the house, she decides to lay in bed, drink coffee, and watch TV. Now, she is running the kids around on their activities, the house is a ruinous wreck, and I'm just sick and tired.

I Came to Praise Her

In a few comments in my posts, some have wondered about Wife being in a state of depression. I think depression is highly unlikely. Although she likes to sleep in and rarely gets moving before noon, she has no other symptoms.

This blog was my way of venting against my wife. This is a purely one-sided and narcissistic exercise. Obviously Wife has many wonderful traits, otherwise I would not have married her and stayed married nearly thirteen years. No, we do not have a perfect relationship, but who does?

Basically, our marriage can be summed up thusly: a Type A person living with a Type B person. Each of us are what we are. We must accept that and move on. I do not think people can change from outside influences, unless they allow it. I cannot expect her to suddenly start worrying less, "nagging" less, or any of the other aspects about her that drive me insane. Since I love her, I must accept her faults.

Concentrating on the positive:

1. Wife loves helping people. She spends a considerable amount of time volunteering at our church.
2. Wife is a good mother to our children. She strives to raise children that are considerate of others, smart, etc. To her credit, we are always getting complimented on our children's behavior.
3. Wife is very sexy. She enjoys the afternoon quickie. Although she may have some issues in bedroom, I cannot complain about the frequency of sex.
4. Wife is naturally attractive. She looks good with a minimum of effort.
5. She is smart. Wife is definitely able to see an issues from all sides.
6. Wife is tenacious. I am listing this trait on the positive, although it can be negative because it takes an inordinate amount of time and energy to change her mind.
7. Wife is supportive of me. My professional success could not have come about with out her.

On this Valentine's Day, I know that, for the most part, I am lucky to be married to Wife. After reading other blogs and seeing other people's issues, I see that mine can be dealt with.

Tagged

Daddy's Lil Girl tagged me with:

List 5 imperfections that you find annoying but could or have learned to live with. These are NOT deal breakers but they are irritating and annoying. But if your 8 perfect characteristics were met, you could learn to put up with these. Pass this on to 5 people. Preferably those with impossibly high standards

1. No sense of humor - I have a definte weird sense of humor. In other words, I get all of Dennis Miller's jokes. I like Monty Python. It's irritating to be laughing at something, look over at one's sweetie, and see them roll their eyes.
2. Lack of patience - We're all human.
3. Worrying about minutae - Wife is always worrying about every little thing. Her reasoning is that by doing this, the big things take care of themselves. Yeah, it also means that we're constantly fighting.
4. Lateness - Wife can't be anywhere on time. In all aspects of her life she is considerate to fault. She tends to put other's needs in front of my own. However, she has never been on time in her life. I try to keep her on a schedule.
5. Boringness - Wife seems to have no desire to experiment and do fun things. Not just sexually. I love to go on overnight backpacking trips. She won't consider it. I really enjoy roller coasters; she refuses to ride.

Now, I'm supposed to tag 5 other people.

1. So Gone
2. Danica
3. FTN
4. ZGD63
5. burbman

Sick and Tired

After two whole days of feeling total love and admiration for Wife, it was ruined this morning.

On Sunday I had indicated that I was in need of release. Wife happily obliged. Although she was on her period, she gave me a most wonderful blowjob and let me cum in her mouth (which is a rare occurrence). For the next two days, I was in total heaven. I looked at her with total love.

Last night she indicated that she had a PTO meeting at 8:00 this morning. Anyone reading this blog knows that Wife has serious issues with getting out of bed before 9:30 am. Since she had to be up early, I added getting her up in time to my list of getting our three kids up and ready. After the second time of trying in vain to get her butt our of bed, Wife says, "I don't have to go. It's not a mandatory meeting." I became irritated and replied that if she had told me, I would have let her sleep in, turned the light off and left.

On her own, she decides to get up and start getting ready. I go upstairs to finish getting myself ready to go to work. She starts giving me the attitude. Statements like I should've known her meetings aren't mandatory, it's a volunteer organization, she's only the depositor (assistant treasurer) were thrown at me. At this point I restate myself. Still I'm getting the attitude. I tell her fine, next time she can sleep in.

I'm getting sick and tired of the laziness and inability to get it together. She never cooks, she can sleep in until 3:00pm (kids get out of school) if she wanted, she doesn't have to work, she expects me to do half of the housework (after working 9 to 10 hours), she wanted a small exercise gym (bought a treadmill and a weight machine, installed DirecTV and she has never used it) and isn't conscious when I leave in the morning. Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to be helpful.

It's Better To Burn Out Than To Fade Away

Well, it seems Taja and Squared1 are signing off. Just as I was get to know them, they up and leave. That's the blogosphere for you. I have another blog that dealt more with political issues. Although it's still up and running, I don't write for it any more. I had lost the need. Foolish Mutterings started as a way for me to vent about Wife. It has been very cathartic. Wife and I will always have our ups and downs, but we'll make it (hopefully). Right now, I like this blog. I don't have any intentions of stopping it. As the manifesto says, it was always about venting my spleen. My spleen always has something to vent about.

So, I'll have to change the ol' blogroll to reflect the changes. I hope those two keep in touch, as they have been very helpful to me.

At Least an Ogre has Layers

Digger says he is becoming an orc. He relates an incident involving some differences of opinion about how to spend some money. He totally flips out. I can relate.

Naturally, children were involved. Wife was asked to help watch the nursery at church Wednesday afternoon. The kids were at their swim team practice. Since we go to church Wednesday nights and the community center (where they practice) is about a block away, she asked them to walk from the center to church and stay together. I must say our kids are awesome (aged 12, 9, and today 7). They are well mannered, smart, and a joy to be around. We have tried to instill a sense of responsibility into them. Anyway, I asked if I should leave work early to pick them up. She said no; they'll be ok walking. I leave work slightly earlier than usual. She calls to check on my status and asks me to keep an eye for the kids, since their route was on my way. Since they should have left 30 minutes earlier and their route is totally crime free (it runs by the police station), I said I hadn't thought about them and what was the big deal? She gave me an attitude and said, "Whatever." This provoked me for some reason. I became angry. When I got to church, she asked me to find the kids and make sure they are ok. I did but not in a pleasant manner. I acted like a total jerk (at church no less. Maybe I should go more often).

Although I should not have let my emotions get the better of me, I never worried about the kids' safety. As a matter of fact, a friend from said swim team (who goes to our church) tried to give them a ride. They were emphatic about saying no. They walked the whole way. Wife maintains I should have worried about the kids. What sane person wouldn't. I know times change and we hear about child abductions, murder, etc., but I knew they were safe. However, Wife totally fretted about it. Needless to say, we got into a major fight. I do feel bad about acting like an ogre towards her; I'm just not sure worrying about the kids was warranted.

Best Blond Joke Ever

As a blond (alas, with a sprinkling of gray), I have found the best blond joke around. This joke will really get you laughing. I'm usually the last person on the planet to hear a joke. Maybe not this time?

Enjoy.

Forgive but Forget?

The comments to my last post was enlightening. It seems that past history dictates the reaction to current events. In the past, I have been lax about calling Wife. When I am running behind schedule, I tend to get focused and totally block out other things that are going on. While this might have some advantages, one of the big disadvantages is forgetting to call Wife because I lost track of time. mom of 3 wrote: It sounds like something else is at the root of her bitchiness. Do you have a habit of not calling when you know that your wife expects a phone call? Does the lack of calling indicate to her that you don't care about her? This really struck home.

In the past I have been late calling. Instead of 5:30 it would be 6:00pm. I am at work. It's hard for me to stop what I'm doing, call her, and pick it right back up. Also, if I call her while I'm doing whatever, either I can't give her 100% of my attention (which really pisses her off) or it takes me longer to finish. It is not a situation of being out with the boys and coming home late (she does that with her monthly bonko night; a night with the gals means she won't be home until after midnight). So, after much discussion, she came realize that I get finished faster and am home faster, if she leaves me alone.

Does that make me selfish. Yeah, I guess so. I think a better description would be multi-tasking issues.

In and of itself, the episode has little meaning, yet it does. I've written two posts on the subject.

SSDD

First of all, thank you for those that bothered to post about Desperate Housewives. There is hope out there. Wife's friends might be a wee bit on the shallow side?

Today's post is about dealing with chronic bitchiness. We all do it, to some degree. Men do it as well as women. Do women do it more than men? I don't know. Men tend to internalize their problems. Verbally expressing himself is not a man's strong suit. Women are much better verbalizing. I think that is why women, generally, do a better job arguing.

The reason I bring this up is Wife's preponderance towards bitchiness. I might be waaay off base. I might be in the wrong. I don't know. Lemme give you an example. Yesterday, I was to pick up the two older kids from an after school event. Although I am usually finished with work by 5:00, I may not actually be out of the office until after 5:30. Anyway, I got the kids no problem. We stopped at a local fast food joint for greaseball food. Wife calls me for a status report. I tell her our status; I ask how things are going with her (youngest child was at a birthday party). Fine she says. Then she lets me have for not calling her and letting her know, if I had picked up the kids. I had some lame excuse, because it never really crossed my mind. I'm the type that if I delegate something, I tend to mentally cross it off my list.

Fast forward a couple of hours. I knew that she was irritated with me for not informing her of our status. Since she had not come home yet, I had the two older kids help pick up the house. I figured I might score some brownie points by her coming home to a neat house. No dice. She comes home and wants to continue our discussion about why I failed to call her about the status of the kids. I apologize and said I tried to make it up to her by straightening up the house. Wife makes a snarky comment about not starting until I heard her car. Again, I apologize and tell her that it never really crossed my mind to call her, but since it was a big deal to her, I will not do that in the future. Of course, this does not satisfy her. We have to have a 30 minute discussion on my failing to keep her informed and making her worry.

This incident, in and of itself, is no big deal. It is indicative of how things are between us. I can see her point, but she makes big deal out of everything. It has come to such a point that I'm starting to avoid her. I get tired of the constant conflict over miniscule crap. I get tired of rehashing old arguments. This is really taking its toll on me. I haven't posted a lot of what has been going on, because I get tired of sounding like a broken record.

Ironically, everyone loves her. Everyone thinks she is the greatest person. She is kind and patient with everyone except the kids and me. Especially me.

Maybe the problem is me. Am I inconsiderate? That's what she keeps saying. Yet, she has no problem with all of the good things I do for her. Who's the inconsiderate one?

Misogyny or Am I a Fuddy-Duddy?

Wife is off with some of her friends at a Desperate Housewives (DH) get together. My question is why do so many women watch this show? It does nothing but portray women in a terrible light. Every stereotype is on the show. She loves the it. We usually sit down to watch it. I watch it to be with her and to take part in an activity that she enjoys. I don't get the fascination. Do women really love to see other women fail? Do they really enjoy seeing other women in a bad light? If so, why? How true to life is this terribly popular TV show?

For those who've not seen it: DH is about four women friends and their trials and tribulations. One is an overacheiving women who was a SAHM but wanted to get back "in the game," another is a busy-body who is terribly neurotic and annoying, another is an uptight Christian (who helped her husband die and is battling her son's homosexuality), another woman who is a total mercenary (she has an affair and is a mutually loveless marriage based on control) and last but not least is the narrator who committed suicide because she stole a young woman's baby and raised him as her own. All of this occurs on the same road. None of the characters seem to be decent. All are conniving and out to only achieve whatever goal they have in mind.

Is this show a window into a woman's psyche? If it is, I weep for my sons and there is no hope for Wife and me. I am truly interested in what others think, because I don't get it.

Misc.

Hopefully, everyone survived the New Year. We barely did. We had some good friends over and had a good time...up to a point. Due to the stress this last year, the other husband and I decided we owed ourselves a good time. He brought stuff to make martinis. His wife, he and I got roaring drunk and passed out. Pretty sad, huh? One would think we were college freshmen. Wife had to take care of us. Not easy with us outweighing her by at least 60 pounds. This made for not a good New Year's Day on many levels. Very embarrassing. I will NEVER do that again.

The day after New Year's Day was terrible. Wife decided I did not love her, since I can't seem to remember anything. She points to this being a real problem with me not paying attention to her. I seem to be able to remember things I enjoy better than things she thinks are important. Possibly. I explained that I cannot remember anything "cold." I have to have something "jog" my memory. With my life, I have so many balls in the air at any given time; it is a wonder I remember to put on underwear. She did not buy it. We were up to 2:00am fighting about it. I REALLY hate when she chooses to do that. SHE doesn't get up early, take the kids to school, and go to work. Her day begins around lunch time. Anyway, we came to an accord. Patched things up and are moving on.

Sex was pretty good after the argument for a few days. Things seemed to be truckin' along. Unfortunately, my desire level has really dipped. I'm not sure why. I have a tremendous amount of stress at my office. Personal stress has barely diminished. Living with a type A, control issue, tenacious person can be taxing. Also, tax time is around the corner. This always adds to the tension.

I'm becoming more and more anti-social. When not at my office, I don't really want to talk to anyone. At times this includes Wife. Since I have to deal with the public in all its glory, dealing with the nagging from Wife gets to me after a while. I'm not like her; I won't stress out over everything. She does not understand. I feel myself withdrawing from her, the kids, even this blog. I try not to, but the daily grind seems to wear me down. In the Lord of the Rings by Tolkien, Bilbo states he feels like too little jam spread over too much bread. I know exactly how he feels. So what am I to do? Hang in there. It's like gas; it'll pass. Life is like a sine wave. There are highs and lows.

I think that's everything. I may have said more than I should have, but I feel a little better for saying it. Winter is so depressing.

Interesting comment

Satan seemed surprised that (S?)he has a "very well-developed sense of right and wrong". That struck a chord in me. Of anyone, Satan has intimate knowledge of the difference of right and wrong. Satan was God's favorite. His Morning Star. Satan had seen the wonders of God first hand. Unfortunately, Satan chose to be on the side of wrong. He hoped to dethrone God and take over. God gave him this world as his punishment.

Humans are always striving to do right. The problem is that humans are almost god-like. They can change the definition of right to whatever is right for them. This is the stumbling block of atheists. Since an atheist does not believe in a higher, benevolent deity, he/she can never truly know what is right (or good). He/she can only define it in terms that relate to him/herself. When man tries to define what is right/good in without knowledge of God, he will always fail. When man tries to make up what is right for him, we get war, the holocaust, income taxes, etc. Each of these examples were couched in terms that defined good without using God. Look where they have gotten us.

I do not believe there are any true atheists. A Satanist still believes in God. He just chooses not to worship him. Many may be agnostic. It seems to me that an agnostic is one that is afraid of the answers he/she will find in trying to find out, if there is a God or not. If there is truly a God, then everything he built his life on may be a farce. If there is not a God, then what is the purpose of life?

So when Satan made is post, at first blush it seemed surprising that Satan would have a "very well-developed sense of right and wrong". In reality, Satan would be have a very keen sense of right and wrong. He just always chooses to defy God and do wrong.

You are a Social Moderate (50% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (81% permissive) You are best described as a: Capitalist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Hiatus

I'm finally back with a little time for a quick post. Wife and I survived the move into our new office. We didn't kill each other. The only arguement was a 20 minute "discussion" of salad dressing. I brought take out from a local restaurant. We shared a gyro ceasar salad. I decided to play it safe and ordered the dressing on the side. Somehow this translated into me not really loving her. If I had, then I would have known she loves the salad swimming in dressing not on the side. I apologized for screwing up her lunch. The sarcasm was lost on her.

Otherwise the weight is starting to lift. This project has been so all encompassing that it had taken over our lives. We'll see how things go.

Right now, we're dealing with Wife having a problem with vertigo/dizziness. The GP thinks it may be viral. She has no other symptoms. She's on medrol dose pack and augmentin. She's been too out of it for the last week to cause a big ruckus.

It's late; I'll post more later.

Comment

Danica was nice enough to post to my last entry:

Can you tell me in your own words how your wife giving you MORE blowjobs would help her control you??? I need to hear a man say it so I can tell the next one. If you read my post on silence, you would understand why I need this information. Please oh please!!!!
Have you told her what a blowjob means to you?

She is so fortunate to have you. Gee wiz!

I decided to answer that in an entry rather than a comment.

I've expressed to Wife how much I enjoy BJs; I've been verbal during the act; and I even expressed my undying gratitude afterwards. It comes back to the same thing: she does not want me expecting to get a BJ and therefore, taking her for granted.

May be the real issue is Wife feeling like I take her for granted. She has said so during our conversations. Do I? Probably. That is part of being married. Taking someone for granted is not necessarily bad. It means I can depend on her for certain things. I bring coffee to her every morning. If I don't, she'll probably at least wonder why. She's taking me for granted. Anyone, who has read this blog, can see she does take me for granted in not so innocuous ways, so a few more BJs isn't uncalled for, right?

When I was in college, I dated a girl, who loved to 69 and even swallowed. That is every guy's dream come true (sorry Danica). She dumped me. That's ok. The problem with previous sexual experiences is that I want to take all of the good parts and incorporate them into my relationship now. It doesn't work that way. The more I think upon it, the more I'm going to tell my kids that premarital sex isn't what it's cracked up to be. Ignorance is bliss. Bottom line: I love Wife, damnit. I have to let a lot go. Although it isn't anything weird or kinky, I will curtail it, because I am married to her.

Compatibility

A lot of the blogs I read speak of issues of sexual compatibility. The author writes about being with someone, who has different sexual tendencies. This is one area of conflict that is very personal and very difficult to resolve. It almost seems that we end up with a person incompatible in this arena. Why is that?

With Wife and me, we are close to being compatible with the only major exception being oral sex. Wife will give me blow jobs, although she likes to withhold them. She is afraid I would start expecting them. Maybe. I think it is a control issue. Wife tends to be a bit of a control freak (Duh, right?). She likes to dish BJs out as some kind of reward for being a good boy. Well, anyone reading much of this blog will correctly surmise that I ain't been gettin' any. I truly don't understand it, but I don't have the same control issues that she does. I keep hoping that she will realize that giving more BJs will help her control me. LOL! Anyway, Wife does play a mind game with the subject.

As for me performing on Wife, I love it. I can reach orgasm by just performing on her. Wife seems to enjoy it immensely. The problem is I almost have to "trick" her into it. I can't just use it as part of my foreplay bag o' tricks. Actually, she's not much into foreplay. I think it goes back to her control issues. She is afraid of losing control. Wife will only allow it, if she is in the mood. Anyone that reads this blog will see that is rare.

The answer to the question is that love is more important than sex. We love people that are different than us. They can really drive us nuts with their issues. Love is the overriding factor. We can put up with a lot of disappointment and frustration in the name of love. But still, I would like more oral sex.

I'm starting to feel like this mouse. I try to fight it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. 

Change

Can people change? Can a leopard change its spots? I'm not sure. Wife and I, as anyone reading this blog can see, seem to keep going over the same ground over and over. She stays irritated at me for comments I make (or don't make); I stay irritated at her for being irritated at me. We are definitely different in many ways. She is a very detailed analytical person. She thinks about nuance. I, on the other hand, am much more of a big picture person. I really have to work to be detailed. I tend to say the first thing that pops into my mind. Invariably, this lands me in hot water.

Since the last post, things have gotten better. Wife did forgive me. Of course, we had to have a long talk into the wee hours of the morning. Who has to get up before the sun to get kids ready, self ready, and kids to school? Me. C'est la vie. Then she wonders why I'm so tired. She has no clue what it is like to survive on a consistent six hours of sleep.

Anyway, I do not believe people can really change. Just last night she gets irritated at me because she asked me what I thought of the Christmas card holder we used last year in the office. This was 11:30 pm, and I had been up since 6:30 am. I was tired. I said the first thing that crossed my mind, "I don't remember." She took umbrage to that, because I didn't even think for a few seconds before answering. OK, fine, whatever. The next morning she wondered why I didn't try to "get into her pants." She doesn't even realize what she does. But, neither do I. I continue to make the same mistakes with her as she does me.

The best anyone can hope for is to adapt to the situation. I must adapt to her and petty tirades. She must adapt to me and my verbal diarrhea. I think I can, but can she?

Forgiveness

One the greatest aspects of Christianity is the doctrine of forgiveness of sins. Jesus called us to forgive our brothers or we will not be forgiven. In this parable, Jesus talks of how we are called to keep forgiving those who do us wrong:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

It does not matter how large or how small the transgression. We are instructed to forgive.

Forgiveness can be hard to do. There may be a lot of emotion tied into the hurt and anger. Letting go of that, for some, is next to impossible. This hurt takes on a life of its own. It grows and breathes and before one knows it, it takes over. By putting things into perspective and seeing the bigger picture, forgiving someone can be easier.

What about someone, who keeps on hurting me? It, simply, does not matter. We are supposed to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times." In other words, we are to keep forgiving those who ask for it. Since we are all hopelessly flawed, we must forgive someone as another has forgiven us. We all go through life hurting others, either maliciously or inadvertently. Since we expect to be forgiven by that person and God for our transgressions and sins, we must forgive others theirs no matter what.

I bring all of this up because a successful marriage will need forgiveness. It can be needed from leaving the seat up to adultery. If one person in the marriage feels that he/she can no longer forgive, then it is in trouble. I fear that Wife is at this point. With my "foot in mouth disease" I am always saying the wrong thing. Sunday night, after much discussion, I said, "Alright, since you don't enjoy my mother visiting and it will be a stressful time, I'll tell her not to come." She, rightfully, say this as shifting the blame/guilt onto her. A huge fight ensued, and I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Two days later she is still barely speaking to me. They say time heals all wounds, but have I gone too far? What character flaw do I have to find the most assholish comment possible and say it? How can I over come this flaw? How do I get Wife to be a little more patient and understanding? Am I just screwed? Is she most of the problem? Does she need a pill? Do I need a pill?

Stress

Man, how stressed out Wife and I are! I've known about it for a long time, but it is starting to really create problems with intimacy. We find ourselves sniping at each other, easy to anger and generally no fun to be around.

Last night I managed to cause her to become quite angry (to the point of 30 solid minutes of her yelling at me). We about to move into a new building for the office. The stress created by the planning, construction, and then the decorating has been bubbling under the surface. Originally, my parents were invited to visit for Thanksgiving. Well, this is about the time we'll be moving into said new office. She was questioning whether or not to have her mother-in-law visit during this volatile time. I said, "Fine, I'll ask Mom not to come, since I know how much she stress you out." Wife went off. I had shifted all of the blame of the stress of guests onto her rather than seeing it as problem for both of us. During the drive home (with the kids in the back) she let me have it. She has a valid point. I apologized. However, she had to vent her frustration. It doesn't feel like venting; it feels like piling on. Anyway it wasn't good. I explained that I don't appreciate her yelling at me in front of the kids (not the first time she's done it). She came back with giving the kids realism as to marriage. No resolution there.

Stress does some amazing things physiologically, psychologically and emotionally. It frays the nerves. It becomes much easier to get angry. I cannot remember a time during our marriage where there was no stress. Neither outside nor inside. I'll be the first to admit that I am not fun to live with. I tend to be selfish (not mean spirited but literally thinking how a situation affects me first); I tend to be a poor communicator; I am very forgetful; the list goes on. However, I am the same, basic, person I was before I married Wife. Wife's biggest fault is lack of patience with me. She has a short fuse and will argue with a stump. She is stubborn to an extreme.

With these two flawed people, adding stress is like adding a match to tinder. A conflagration will occur. Wife does not want to think terms of stress creating problems. She feels that is a crutch, an excuse, for getting out of one's responsibility. While that may be true to an extent, stress does a lot of things, none good.

That is why it is important to have a chance to destress. It is important to find that activity that helps clear one's mind, at least for a short time. I hope Wife finds one.

Intimacy

The blogs I read all seem to have a running theme: intimacy. We are always searching for that connection with someone else. We want our spouses to be our most intimate partner. Some have a real challenge, while others don't. We go through spells where we feel very close to that special someone, and spells where we do not.

With Wife and me, we have our issues, like every couple. Thankfully, ours aren't so much in the bedroom. We enjoy sex for the sake of sex. Wife may actually want it to be a little quicker and rougher than me. I enjoy giving her multiple orgasms and trying to prolong things as long as possible. The trick is to find that middle ground. Sometimes that can be a real trick. Our issue tends to be our slightly differing views on sex. She tends to be more straightforward. I tend to want role playing and some variety. Our biggest difference is oral sex. She really has no qualms about performing it on me. But, she does have issues about having it performed. I think she is uneasy about that areas differing aromas. I have tried to convince her that in that regard she is perfect. She will allow cunninglingus on her, but she has to be in the mood. Wife does tend to see me as slightly kinky. I guess I am. Doesn't every man have fantasies about his wife in a Catholic school girl uniform with the skirt, socks, and plaid shirt? Is that just me?

Our problems with intimacy come outside of the bedroom. Any part time reader sees that we have our disagreements. She and I are very stubborn people. She can be especially passionate. That, at times, leads to breakdown in intimacy. We try to talk our way through it, and we usually succeed. It is very difficult. Being intimate was much easier while we were in the dating phase. We didn't have three kids, a business, a mortgage, etc. Life is very complicated and that stress spills over into our relationship. It can be very hard to keep it all in perspective. For us, we have started spending so much time shuttling children from activity to activity that there is so little time and energy for us. It has started to affect my libido.

We all are searching for and trying to maintain intimacy. It can be a real struggle. When we are left alone from that intimacy, we feel like an empty place is in our heart. All any of us can do is take it one day at a time.

Another Weekend from Hell

Another big fight with Wife this weekend. Although I have accepted blame, responsibility, and apologized profusely, that is not enough. Wife employs her "scorched earth" brand of arguing. Although she may win the argument by using this policy, she may lose in the end. When she does something and apologizes, that is the end of it (in her mind), yet I am not given the same courtesy. Last night at ~midnight, I finally gave up trying to convince her of my sincerity and went to sleep. After being up for seventeen hours with a good portion spent arguing, I was too damned tired to fight. I'm tired of it. After giving many pounds of flesh, I'm not sure I have anything left to give.

Disney: Is it the AntiChrist?

Took the family to see Disney Incredibles on Ice. It was ok. This was the first ice show I had been to. I appreciate the skaters' abilities. The routines were great. It was definitely geared towards the kids, especially pre-middle school. The problem is this: the pressure put on the parents to buy crap at the event. There were dozens of kiosks set up hawking items, which were over priced and cheaply made. Naturally, the children were wanting some things. Wife asked to buy some snacks and a drink. We had just eaten, but I grumbled my ok. I was in a constant state of amazement at the amount of stuff for sale.

On the way home, Wife asked me how I liked it. I said the opening part was kind of stupid (a grown up was trying to act cool and overdoing it), otherwise I liked it. She tore into me telling me that I ruined the kids' experience, because I would not let them spend a lot of money on stuff. I couldn't believe she actually had the gall to say it. As it was, we spent over $50 on a drink, cotton candy, bucket of popcorn, and a "claw" toy. Am I being unreasonable? I think not.

The next day we continued our discussion, since I was too tired to really talk the night before. She was pissed about me not broaching the subject Sunday morning. She purposefully made us VERY late for church, just to prove a point. I asked her when did she started playing games. Wife wasn't playing a game; it was a tactic to prove her point. Yeah, right. I guess two wrongs DO make a right. Also, I explained that talking about an incident is not a quick talk with her. It lasts hours. Am I going to start a long conversation in the morning? No. I'll wait until we have time to hash it out.

I blame Disney. They managed to suck Wife into their consumerism frenzy. Also, can I take down the last post? I don't feel that way anymore.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It seems all of my posts are negative about Wife. After reading them, why should I stay married? Well, I love her. There, I said it. Although she has many traits that annoy and frustrate me, she has many admirable traits. She is kind to a fault, generous, hard working, and loving (in her way). She may tend to be control freakish, but I owe her a lot. Without her, I would not be in the socioeconomic status that I am.

So...I'm going to try to modify this blog. I don't want it to be just about my problems with Wife. When I first started this blog, I wanted to jot down my frustrations about marriage. While I may still have them, I know there is no better alternative for me. Digger goes down the laundry list of possibilities, as I have in my mind. None are palatable. I must live with choice I made to love Wife. I must take her, warts and all. And, after 13 years of being together, she still makes my breath catch in my lungs. I still lust after her. I come in contact with many people during the day at my office, but I still truly lust after Wife. It's almost scary.

This brings me to my point. I have deep seeded desires that she cannot/will not fulfill. I think certain aspects of my psyche must remain in the dark. Sex seems to be constantly on my mind. Not sex with strangers, but sex with Wife. There was a month last year, when she was insatiable. We were doing everything within reason (no midgets or third parties but good not clean fun). I miss that month. I miss her text messaging me to ask for sex. During that time she performed oral sex numerous times, I miss that. We are back to the drudgery of missionary position: quick satisfaction, yet leaves me wanting more, different, better. Is this dangerous? Am I perverted? Or are couples destined to attach themselves to people who have differing sexual proclivities? The blogs I read seem to support this. What a cruel twist of fate.

Taming the Shrew?

The saga continues with Lil' Bro. His pending divorce has my household in an uproar. Although I think he is being a total jerk, that is his and his wife's business. Wife, unfortunately, does not see it that way. She wants my parents to go in with a heavy hand and talk some sense into the boy. She cajoles me into calling him and emailing him. All for the sake of his two year old son. The problem is I agree with her. Divorce should be "weapon" of last resort. He chose not to do that. He chose to leave his wife and child.

The problem is my parents. They have spoken with Brother and let him know they against his decision. That is not good enough for Wife. She wants them to harangue him until he understands and changes his ways. The one thing that is constant in my family is stubbornness. Brother will not change his mind. If anything, it will strengthen his resolve. I know that, parents know that, Wife refuses to see that. So I am in the middle. I'm the one that gets to bear the brunt of her anger and frustration for a situation that will not affect us one iota. I have explained that to her. I have explained that my talking to Brother will not change his mind. Unfortunately, I am weak, when it comes to Wife. After two phone conversations and two emails, Brother writes back to say he will be spending Thanksgiving with other people. Great! A few days later I get an email from my parents saying I hurt Brother's feelings and to lay off.

The frustrating thing is Wife. She refuses to let it go. She chooses to continue to beat the dead horse. I tell her over and over, ad nauseum, that my parents will not intercede. They, rightfully to some degree, see Brother as an adult living his own life. I feel we should have spoken to Brother once or twice and then let him lie in the bed he made. Wife refuses to back down. I'm sure this will only add to the resentment she already feels towards Mother. The fundamental problem is mine and Wife's upbringing was very different. Parents did not confront Brother and I too much, whereas, her family would have loooong conversations about every single problem. Wife expects my family to suddenly go from closed and non-confrontational to suddenly open and confrontational. She refuses to see that the scorpion never changes.

I thought that moving far away from the family would insulate me. Wrong.

Taming the Shrew?

The saga continues with Lil' Bro. His pending divorce has my household in an uproar. Although I think he is being a total jerk, that is his and his wife's business. Wife, unfortunately, does not see it that way. She wants my parents to go in with a heavy hand and talk some sense into the boy. She cajoles me into calling him and emailing him. All for the sake of his two year old son. The problem is I agree with her. Divorce should be "weapon" of last resort. He chose not to do that. He chose to leave his wife and child.

The problem is my parents. They have spoken with Brother and let him know they against his decision. That is not good enough for Wife. She wants them to harangue him until he understands and changes his ways. The one thing that is constant in my family is stubbornness. Brother will not change his mind. If anything, it will strengthen his resolve. I know that, parents know that, Wife refuses to see that. So I am in the middle. I'm the one that gets to bear the brunt of her anger and frustration for a situation that will not affect us one iota. I have explained that to her. I have explained that my talking to Brother will not change his mind. Unfortunately, I am weak, when it comes to Wife. After two phone conversations and two emails, Brother writes back to say he will be spending Thanksgiving with other people. Great! A few days later I get an email from my parents saying I hurt Brother's feelings and to lay off.

The frustrating thing is Wife. She refuses to let it go. She chooses to continue to beat the dead horse. I tell her over and over, ad nauseum, that my parents will not intercede. They, rightfully to some degree, see Brother as an adult living his own life. I feel we should have spoken to Brother once or twice and then let him lie in the bed he made. Wife refuses to back down. I'm sure this will only add to the resentment she already feels towards Mother. The fundamental problem is mine and Wife's upbringing was very different. Parents did not confront Brother and I too much, whereas, her family would have loooong conversations about every single problem. Wife expects my family to suddenly go from closed and non-confrontational to suddenly open and confrontational. She refuses to see that the scorpion never changes.

I thought that moving far away from the family would insulate me. Wrong.

Long Time No Post

Well, I've probably lost what little readership I had due to lack of posting. Oh well, I'll get over it.

The big new thing is my stoopid brother. It seems he wants to get a divorce. He tells me he has not been happy for a long time. He may have been unhappy with his wife during the engagement. Unfortunately, he was such a coward that he chose to get married and have a kid before deciding he really didn't want to be married. What an asshole. My parents are basically in denial. They don't want to push him for fear of alienating him. I sent two emails and had two phone conversations with him. He said he would consider counseling before taking that final step. He then sent me an email saying he would rather spend Thanksgiving with friends than have to see me. Well, excuuuuse me! I'll admit I wouldn't want other people telling what to do, but I'm not contemplating warping my kid and leaving the woman I took a vow to love and cherish. Of course, Wife has gone ape of this. She is totally against divorce for any reason. That's probably why she has stayed with me. Anyway, she has talked to Brother's wife and gotten all of the scoop. Brother came home, told his wife he didn't love her, and started packing. AND, during the conversations with him telling me he would consider counseling, he had previously talked to a lawyer. So much for thinking about it. The little shit had already decided way before telling anyone. Besides his son, he will suffer too. Since he has Type I diabetes, he runs a high risk of needing medical care. Which means mom, dad, or Big Brother.

Otherwise everything is all right. I got in trouble for telling a female colleague on the phone, in front of Wife, "smell you later" instead of "see you later" as I hung up the phone. Now, I am no innocent, but I never thought of that phrase in a sexual context. Naturally, Wife blew a gasket. I feel terrible. I apologized profusely and have vowed not to use that phrase again. Ironically, I heard from a guy friend of mine as he got off the phone with me, and I think I heard it on a kid's movie. I remember which one. Things are better now. In fact, with exception of that tiff, we are the best we've been in a long time.

I'll keep posting, but work schedule may not allow for regular posting for some time. Things really get busy for me until around Christmas. I still plan to read everyone else's Blogs.

Stress

Yesterday I had to fire one of my employees. I really didn't want to do it. I had given her many chances to shape up, but she chose to resent me. If you think my posting was less, it'll be lesser now with work becoming overwhelming.

The kids are back in school, which means we're even busier. We seem to have become, in a way, the overindulgent parent. We're not home any during the week with soccer, scouts, baseball, etc. By the time 10:00 rolls around, I'm barely conscious. Chronic fatigue is not good.

As for the Wife and me, we're doing ok. We had a blow-up Friday night. I even said may be these big emotional blow-ups are hormone related. Apparently, I'm an asshole. Oh well, things are fine now. I really think it is the hormonal roller coaster is winding down for another 3 weeks.

I still plan to read everyone's blogs and post my thoughts...when I have time.

Free Writing

Everthing here is peachy. Getting a lot sex. It may be a little vanilla, but like pizza there is no bad sex, just better sex.

No real fights with Wife. We've been doing really well, since our last conflagration.
Kids are back to school.

After reading several blogs with people having marital strife, I know everyone has it. I hope everyone will strive to work through it. It is worth it. It takes a helluva a lot of work.

The huricane thing is bugging me. I have another blog that is political. I quit writing in it some time ago, because I got sick and tired of the whole charade. However, George Bush did not cause the huricane, allow the looting or cause the flooding in New Orleans. In order of responsibility is the mayor and then the governor. They both sat with their thumbs up their ass doing little until it was too late. I did not vote for GWB. He is not my favorite president. People get over it. Do you REALLY want the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT to do everything for you? You can't have it both ways. Having the Federal Government doing things on a local level also means having the Federal Government prying in areas that it shouldn't. Besides, name me one time the Federal Government got it right. Can't. Too many politicians involved at that level. The mayor is in charge of the city. He should be in charge/responsible for its well being.

I feel better now. I know I started this blog as a way to vent about my situation. I'll try to stick to that in the future.