Interesting comment

Satan seemed surprised that (S?)he has a "very well-developed sense of right and wrong". That struck a chord in me. Of anyone, Satan has intimate knowledge of the difference of right and wrong. Satan was God's favorite. His Morning Star. Satan had seen the wonders of God first hand. Unfortunately, Satan chose to be on the side of wrong. He hoped to dethrone God and take over. God gave him this world as his punishment.

Humans are always striving to do right. The problem is that humans are almost god-like. They can change the definition of right to whatever is right for them. This is the stumbling block of atheists. Since an atheist does not believe in a higher, benevolent deity, he/she can never truly know what is right (or good). He/she can only define it in terms that relate to him/herself. When man tries to define what is right/good in without knowledge of God, he will always fail. When man tries to make up what is right for him, we get war, the holocaust, income taxes, etc. Each of these examples were couched in terms that defined good without using God. Look where they have gotten us.

I do not believe there are any true atheists. A Satanist still believes in God. He just chooses not to worship him. Many may be agnostic. It seems to me that an agnostic is one that is afraid of the answers he/she will find in trying to find out, if there is a God or not. If there is truly a God, then everything he built his life on may be a farce. If there is not a God, then what is the purpose of life?

So when Satan made is post, at first blush it seemed surprising that Satan would have a "very well-developed sense of right and wrong". In reality, Satan would be have a very keen sense of right and wrong. He just always chooses to defy God and do wrong.

You are a Social Moderate (50% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (81% permissive) You are best described as a: Capitalist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Hiatus

I'm finally back with a little time for a quick post. Wife and I survived the move into our new office. We didn't kill each other. The only arguement was a 20 minute "discussion" of salad dressing. I brought take out from a local restaurant. We shared a gyro ceasar salad. I decided to play it safe and ordered the dressing on the side. Somehow this translated into me not really loving her. If I had, then I would have known she loves the salad swimming in dressing not on the side. I apologized for screwing up her lunch. The sarcasm was lost on her.

Otherwise the weight is starting to lift. This project has been so all encompassing that it had taken over our lives. We'll see how things go.

Right now, we're dealing with Wife having a problem with vertigo/dizziness. The GP thinks it may be viral. She has no other symptoms. She's on medrol dose pack and augmentin. She's been too out of it for the last week to cause a big ruckus.

It's late; I'll post more later.

Comment

Danica was nice enough to post to my last entry:

Can you tell me in your own words how your wife giving you MORE blowjobs would help her control you??? I need to hear a man say it so I can tell the next one. If you read my post on silence, you would understand why I need this information. Please oh please!!!!
Have you told her what a blowjob means to you?

She is so fortunate to have you. Gee wiz!

I decided to answer that in an entry rather than a comment.

I've expressed to Wife how much I enjoy BJs; I've been verbal during the act; and I even expressed my undying gratitude afterwards. It comes back to the same thing: she does not want me expecting to get a BJ and therefore, taking her for granted.

May be the real issue is Wife feeling like I take her for granted. She has said so during our conversations. Do I? Probably. That is part of being married. Taking someone for granted is not necessarily bad. It means I can depend on her for certain things. I bring coffee to her every morning. If I don't, she'll probably at least wonder why. She's taking me for granted. Anyone, who has read this blog, can see she does take me for granted in not so innocuous ways, so a few more BJs isn't uncalled for, right?

When I was in college, I dated a girl, who loved to 69 and even swallowed. That is every guy's dream come true (sorry Danica). She dumped me. That's ok. The problem with previous sexual experiences is that I want to take all of the good parts and incorporate them into my relationship now. It doesn't work that way. The more I think upon it, the more I'm going to tell my kids that premarital sex isn't what it's cracked up to be. Ignorance is bliss. Bottom line: I love Wife, damnit. I have to let a lot go. Although it isn't anything weird or kinky, I will curtail it, because I am married to her.

Compatibility

A lot of the blogs I read speak of issues of sexual compatibility. The author writes about being with someone, who has different sexual tendencies. This is one area of conflict that is very personal and very difficult to resolve. It almost seems that we end up with a person incompatible in this arena. Why is that?

With Wife and me, we are close to being compatible with the only major exception being oral sex. Wife will give me blow jobs, although she likes to withhold them. She is afraid I would start expecting them. Maybe. I think it is a control issue. Wife tends to be a bit of a control freak (Duh, right?). She likes to dish BJs out as some kind of reward for being a good boy. Well, anyone reading much of this blog will correctly surmise that I ain't been gettin' any. I truly don't understand it, but I don't have the same control issues that she does. I keep hoping that she will realize that giving more BJs will help her control me. LOL! Anyway, Wife does play a mind game with the subject.

As for me performing on Wife, I love it. I can reach orgasm by just performing on her. Wife seems to enjoy it immensely. The problem is I almost have to "trick" her into it. I can't just use it as part of my foreplay bag o' tricks. Actually, she's not much into foreplay. I think it goes back to her control issues. She is afraid of losing control. Wife will only allow it, if she is in the mood. Anyone that reads this blog will see that is rare.

The answer to the question is that love is more important than sex. We love people that are different than us. They can really drive us nuts with their issues. Love is the overriding factor. We can put up with a lot of disappointment and frustration in the name of love. But still, I would like more oral sex.

I'm starting to feel like this mouse. I try to fight it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. 

Change

Can people change? Can a leopard change its spots? I'm not sure. Wife and I, as anyone reading this blog can see, seem to keep going over the same ground over and over. She stays irritated at me for comments I make (or don't make); I stay irritated at her for being irritated at me. We are definitely different in many ways. She is a very detailed analytical person. She thinks about nuance. I, on the other hand, am much more of a big picture person. I really have to work to be detailed. I tend to say the first thing that pops into my mind. Invariably, this lands me in hot water.

Since the last post, things have gotten better. Wife did forgive me. Of course, we had to have a long talk into the wee hours of the morning. Who has to get up before the sun to get kids ready, self ready, and kids to school? Me. C'est la vie. Then she wonders why I'm so tired. She has no clue what it is like to survive on a consistent six hours of sleep.

Anyway, I do not believe people can really change. Just last night she gets irritated at me because she asked me what I thought of the Christmas card holder we used last year in the office. This was 11:30 pm, and I had been up since 6:30 am. I was tired. I said the first thing that crossed my mind, "I don't remember." She took umbrage to that, because I didn't even think for a few seconds before answering. OK, fine, whatever. The next morning she wondered why I didn't try to "get into her pants." She doesn't even realize what she does. But, neither do I. I continue to make the same mistakes with her as she does me.

The best anyone can hope for is to adapt to the situation. I must adapt to her and petty tirades. She must adapt to me and my verbal diarrhea. I think I can, but can she?

Forgiveness

One the greatest aspects of Christianity is the doctrine of forgiveness of sins. Jesus called us to forgive our brothers or we will not be forgiven. In this parable, Jesus talks of how we are called to keep forgiving those who do us wrong:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

It does not matter how large or how small the transgression. We are instructed to forgive.

Forgiveness can be hard to do. There may be a lot of emotion tied into the hurt and anger. Letting go of that, for some, is next to impossible. This hurt takes on a life of its own. It grows and breathes and before one knows it, it takes over. By putting things into perspective and seeing the bigger picture, forgiving someone can be easier.

What about someone, who keeps on hurting me? It, simply, does not matter. We are supposed to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times." In other words, we are to keep forgiving those who ask for it. Since we are all hopelessly flawed, we must forgive someone as another has forgiven us. We all go through life hurting others, either maliciously or inadvertently. Since we expect to be forgiven by that person and God for our transgressions and sins, we must forgive others theirs no matter what.

I bring all of this up because a successful marriage will need forgiveness. It can be needed from leaving the seat up to adultery. If one person in the marriage feels that he/she can no longer forgive, then it is in trouble. I fear that Wife is at this point. With my "foot in mouth disease" I am always saying the wrong thing. Sunday night, after much discussion, I said, "Alright, since you don't enjoy my mother visiting and it will be a stressful time, I'll tell her not to come." She, rightfully, say this as shifting the blame/guilt onto her. A huge fight ensued, and I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Two days later she is still barely speaking to me. They say time heals all wounds, but have I gone too far? What character flaw do I have to find the most assholish comment possible and say it? How can I over come this flaw? How do I get Wife to be a little more patient and understanding? Am I just screwed? Is she most of the problem? Does she need a pill? Do I need a pill?

Stress

Man, how stressed out Wife and I are! I've known about it for a long time, but it is starting to really create problems with intimacy. We find ourselves sniping at each other, easy to anger and generally no fun to be around.

Last night I managed to cause her to become quite angry (to the point of 30 solid minutes of her yelling at me). We about to move into a new building for the office. The stress created by the planning, construction, and then the decorating has been bubbling under the surface. Originally, my parents were invited to visit for Thanksgiving. Well, this is about the time we'll be moving into said new office. She was questioning whether or not to have her mother-in-law visit during this volatile time. I said, "Fine, I'll ask Mom not to come, since I know how much she stress you out." Wife went off. I had shifted all of the blame of the stress of guests onto her rather than seeing it as problem for both of us. During the drive home (with the kids in the back) she let me have it. She has a valid point. I apologized. However, she had to vent her frustration. It doesn't feel like venting; it feels like piling on. Anyway it wasn't good. I explained that I don't appreciate her yelling at me in front of the kids (not the first time she's done it). She came back with giving the kids realism as to marriage. No resolution there.

Stress does some amazing things physiologically, psychologically and emotionally. It frays the nerves. It becomes much easier to get angry. I cannot remember a time during our marriage where there was no stress. Neither outside nor inside. I'll be the first to admit that I am not fun to live with. I tend to be selfish (not mean spirited but literally thinking how a situation affects me first); I tend to be a poor communicator; I am very forgetful; the list goes on. However, I am the same, basic, person I was before I married Wife. Wife's biggest fault is lack of patience with me. She has a short fuse and will argue with a stump. She is stubborn to an extreme.

With these two flawed people, adding stress is like adding a match to tinder. A conflagration will occur. Wife does not want to think terms of stress creating problems. She feels that is a crutch, an excuse, for getting out of one's responsibility. While that may be true to an extent, stress does a lot of things, none good.

That is why it is important to have a chance to destress. It is important to find that activity that helps clear one's mind, at least for a short time. I hope Wife finds one.

Intimacy

The blogs I read all seem to have a running theme: intimacy. We are always searching for that connection with someone else. We want our spouses to be our most intimate partner. Some have a real challenge, while others don't. We go through spells where we feel very close to that special someone, and spells where we do not.

With Wife and me, we have our issues, like every couple. Thankfully, ours aren't so much in the bedroom. We enjoy sex for the sake of sex. Wife may actually want it to be a little quicker and rougher than me. I enjoy giving her multiple orgasms and trying to prolong things as long as possible. The trick is to find that middle ground. Sometimes that can be a real trick. Our issue tends to be our slightly differing views on sex. She tends to be more straightforward. I tend to want role playing and some variety. Our biggest difference is oral sex. She really has no qualms about performing it on me. But, she does have issues about having it performed. I think she is uneasy about that areas differing aromas. I have tried to convince her that in that regard she is perfect. She will allow cunninglingus on her, but she has to be in the mood. Wife does tend to see me as slightly kinky. I guess I am. Doesn't every man have fantasies about his wife in a Catholic school girl uniform with the skirt, socks, and plaid shirt? Is that just me?

Our problems with intimacy come outside of the bedroom. Any part time reader sees that we have our disagreements. She and I are very stubborn people. She can be especially passionate. That, at times, leads to breakdown in intimacy. We try to talk our way through it, and we usually succeed. It is very difficult. Being intimate was much easier while we were in the dating phase. We didn't have three kids, a business, a mortgage, etc. Life is very complicated and that stress spills over into our relationship. It can be very hard to keep it all in perspective. For us, we have started spending so much time shuttling children from activity to activity that there is so little time and energy for us. It has started to affect my libido.

We all are searching for and trying to maintain intimacy. It can be a real struggle. When we are left alone from that intimacy, we feel like an empty place is in our heart. All any of us can do is take it one day at a time.

Another Weekend from Hell

Another big fight with Wife this weekend. Although I have accepted blame, responsibility, and apologized profusely, that is not enough. Wife employs her "scorched earth" brand of arguing. Although she may win the argument by using this policy, she may lose in the end. When she does something and apologizes, that is the end of it (in her mind), yet I am not given the same courtesy. Last night at ~midnight, I finally gave up trying to convince her of my sincerity and went to sleep. After being up for seventeen hours with a good portion spent arguing, I was too damned tired to fight. I'm tired of it. After giving many pounds of flesh, I'm not sure I have anything left to give.

Disney: Is it the AntiChrist?

Took the family to see Disney Incredibles on Ice. It was ok. This was the first ice show I had been to. I appreciate the skaters' abilities. The routines were great. It was definitely geared towards the kids, especially pre-middle school. The problem is this: the pressure put on the parents to buy crap at the event. There were dozens of kiosks set up hawking items, which were over priced and cheaply made. Naturally, the children were wanting some things. Wife asked to buy some snacks and a drink. We had just eaten, but I grumbled my ok. I was in a constant state of amazement at the amount of stuff for sale.

On the way home, Wife asked me how I liked it. I said the opening part was kind of stupid (a grown up was trying to act cool and overdoing it), otherwise I liked it. She tore into me telling me that I ruined the kids' experience, because I would not let them spend a lot of money on stuff. I couldn't believe she actually had the gall to say it. As it was, we spent over $50 on a drink, cotton candy, bucket of popcorn, and a "claw" toy. Am I being unreasonable? I think not.

The next day we continued our discussion, since I was too tired to really talk the night before. She was pissed about me not broaching the subject Sunday morning. She purposefully made us VERY late for church, just to prove a point. I asked her when did she started playing games. Wife wasn't playing a game; it was a tactic to prove her point. Yeah, right. I guess two wrongs DO make a right. Also, I explained that talking about an incident is not a quick talk with her. It lasts hours. Am I going to start a long conversation in the morning? No. I'll wait until we have time to hash it out.

I blame Disney. They managed to suck Wife into their consumerism frenzy. Also, can I take down the last post? I don't feel that way anymore.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It seems all of my posts are negative about Wife. After reading them, why should I stay married? Well, I love her. There, I said it. Although she has many traits that annoy and frustrate me, she has many admirable traits. She is kind to a fault, generous, hard working, and loving (in her way). She may tend to be control freakish, but I owe her a lot. Without her, I would not be in the socioeconomic status that I am.

So...I'm going to try to modify this blog. I don't want it to be just about my problems with Wife. When I first started this blog, I wanted to jot down my frustrations about marriage. While I may still have them, I know there is no better alternative for me. Digger goes down the laundry list of possibilities, as I have in my mind. None are palatable. I must live with choice I made to love Wife. I must take her, warts and all. And, after 13 years of being together, she still makes my breath catch in my lungs. I still lust after her. I come in contact with many people during the day at my office, but I still truly lust after Wife. It's almost scary.

This brings me to my point. I have deep seeded desires that she cannot/will not fulfill. I think certain aspects of my psyche must remain in the dark. Sex seems to be constantly on my mind. Not sex with strangers, but sex with Wife. There was a month last year, when she was insatiable. We were doing everything within reason (no midgets or third parties but good not clean fun). I miss that month. I miss her text messaging me to ask for sex. During that time she performed oral sex numerous times, I miss that. We are back to the drudgery of missionary position: quick satisfaction, yet leaves me wanting more, different, better. Is this dangerous? Am I perverted? Or are couples destined to attach themselves to people who have differing sexual proclivities? The blogs I read seem to support this. What a cruel twist of fate.

Taming the Shrew?

The saga continues with Lil' Bro. His pending divorce has my household in an uproar. Although I think he is being a total jerk, that is his and his wife's business. Wife, unfortunately, does not see it that way. She wants my parents to go in with a heavy hand and talk some sense into the boy. She cajoles me into calling him and emailing him. All for the sake of his two year old son. The problem is I agree with her. Divorce should be "weapon" of last resort. He chose not to do that. He chose to leave his wife and child.

The problem is my parents. They have spoken with Brother and let him know they against his decision. That is not good enough for Wife. She wants them to harangue him until he understands and changes his ways. The one thing that is constant in my family is stubbornness. Brother will not change his mind. If anything, it will strengthen his resolve. I know that, parents know that, Wife refuses to see that. So I am in the middle. I'm the one that gets to bear the brunt of her anger and frustration for a situation that will not affect us one iota. I have explained that to her. I have explained that my talking to Brother will not change his mind. Unfortunately, I am weak, when it comes to Wife. After two phone conversations and two emails, Brother writes back to say he will be spending Thanksgiving with other people. Great! A few days later I get an email from my parents saying I hurt Brother's feelings and to lay off.

The frustrating thing is Wife. She refuses to let it go. She chooses to continue to beat the dead horse. I tell her over and over, ad nauseum, that my parents will not intercede. They, rightfully to some degree, see Brother as an adult living his own life. I feel we should have spoken to Brother once or twice and then let him lie in the bed he made. Wife refuses to back down. I'm sure this will only add to the resentment she already feels towards Mother. The fundamental problem is mine and Wife's upbringing was very different. Parents did not confront Brother and I too much, whereas, her family would have loooong conversations about every single problem. Wife expects my family to suddenly go from closed and non-confrontational to suddenly open and confrontational. She refuses to see that the scorpion never changes.

I thought that moving far away from the family would insulate me. Wrong.

Taming the Shrew?

The saga continues with Lil' Bro. His pending divorce has my household in an uproar. Although I think he is being a total jerk, that is his and his wife's business. Wife, unfortunately, does not see it that way. She wants my parents to go in with a heavy hand and talk some sense into the boy. She cajoles me into calling him and emailing him. All for the sake of his two year old son. The problem is I agree with her. Divorce should be "weapon" of last resort. He chose not to do that. He chose to leave his wife and child.

The problem is my parents. They have spoken with Brother and let him know they against his decision. That is not good enough for Wife. She wants them to harangue him until he understands and changes his ways. The one thing that is constant in my family is stubbornness. Brother will not change his mind. If anything, it will strengthen his resolve. I know that, parents know that, Wife refuses to see that. So I am in the middle. I'm the one that gets to bear the brunt of her anger and frustration for a situation that will not affect us one iota. I have explained that to her. I have explained that my talking to Brother will not change his mind. Unfortunately, I am weak, when it comes to Wife. After two phone conversations and two emails, Brother writes back to say he will be spending Thanksgiving with other people. Great! A few days later I get an email from my parents saying I hurt Brother's feelings and to lay off.

The frustrating thing is Wife. She refuses to let it go. She chooses to continue to beat the dead horse. I tell her over and over, ad nauseum, that my parents will not intercede. They, rightfully to some degree, see Brother as an adult living his own life. I feel we should have spoken to Brother once or twice and then let him lie in the bed he made. Wife refuses to back down. I'm sure this will only add to the resentment she already feels towards Mother. The fundamental problem is mine and Wife's upbringing was very different. Parents did not confront Brother and I too much, whereas, her family would have loooong conversations about every single problem. Wife expects my family to suddenly go from closed and non-confrontational to suddenly open and confrontational. She refuses to see that the scorpion never changes.

I thought that moving far away from the family would insulate me. Wrong.

Long Time No Post

Well, I've probably lost what little readership I had due to lack of posting. Oh well, I'll get over it.

The big new thing is my stoopid brother. It seems he wants to get a divorce. He tells me he has not been happy for a long time. He may have been unhappy with his wife during the engagement. Unfortunately, he was such a coward that he chose to get married and have a kid before deciding he really didn't want to be married. What an asshole. My parents are basically in denial. They don't want to push him for fear of alienating him. I sent two emails and had two phone conversations with him. He said he would consider counseling before taking that final step. He then sent me an email saying he would rather spend Thanksgiving with friends than have to see me. Well, excuuuuse me! I'll admit I wouldn't want other people telling what to do, but I'm not contemplating warping my kid and leaving the woman I took a vow to love and cherish. Of course, Wife has gone ape of this. She is totally against divorce for any reason. That's probably why she has stayed with me. Anyway, she has talked to Brother's wife and gotten all of the scoop. Brother came home, told his wife he didn't love her, and started packing. AND, during the conversations with him telling me he would consider counseling, he had previously talked to a lawyer. So much for thinking about it. The little shit had already decided way before telling anyone. Besides his son, he will suffer too. Since he has Type I diabetes, he runs a high risk of needing medical care. Which means mom, dad, or Big Brother.

Otherwise everything is all right. I got in trouble for telling a female colleague on the phone, in front of Wife, "smell you later" instead of "see you later" as I hung up the phone. Now, I am no innocent, but I never thought of that phrase in a sexual context. Naturally, Wife blew a gasket. I feel terrible. I apologized profusely and have vowed not to use that phrase again. Ironically, I heard from a guy friend of mine as he got off the phone with me, and I think I heard it on a kid's movie. I remember which one. Things are better now. In fact, with exception of that tiff, we are the best we've been in a long time.

I'll keep posting, but work schedule may not allow for regular posting for some time. Things really get busy for me until around Christmas. I still plan to read everyone else's Blogs.

Stress

Yesterday I had to fire one of my employees. I really didn't want to do it. I had given her many chances to shape up, but she chose to resent me. If you think my posting was less, it'll be lesser now with work becoming overwhelming.

The kids are back in school, which means we're even busier. We seem to have become, in a way, the overindulgent parent. We're not home any during the week with soccer, scouts, baseball, etc. By the time 10:00 rolls around, I'm barely conscious. Chronic fatigue is not good.

As for the Wife and me, we're doing ok. We had a blow-up Friday night. I even said may be these big emotional blow-ups are hormone related. Apparently, I'm an asshole. Oh well, things are fine now. I really think it is the hormonal roller coaster is winding down for another 3 weeks.

I still plan to read everyone's blogs and post my thoughts...when I have time.

Free Writing

Everthing here is peachy. Getting a lot sex. It may be a little vanilla, but like pizza there is no bad sex, just better sex.

No real fights with Wife. We've been doing really well, since our last conflagration.
Kids are back to school.

After reading several blogs with people having marital strife, I know everyone has it. I hope everyone will strive to work through it. It is worth it. It takes a helluva a lot of work.

The huricane thing is bugging me. I have another blog that is political. I quit writing in it some time ago, because I got sick and tired of the whole charade. However, George Bush did not cause the huricane, allow the looting or cause the flooding in New Orleans. In order of responsibility is the mayor and then the governor. They both sat with their thumbs up their ass doing little until it was too late. I did not vote for GWB. He is not my favorite president. People get over it. Do you REALLY want the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT to do everything for you? You can't have it both ways. Having the Federal Government doing things on a local level also means having the Federal Government prying in areas that it shouldn't. Besides, name me one time the Federal Government got it right. Can't. Too many politicians involved at that level. The mayor is in charge of the city. He should be in charge/responsible for its well being.

I feel better now. I know I started this blog as a way to vent about my situation. I'll try to stick to that in the future.

Something to chew on

In this post by doctor digger, he goes over what many men grapple with. Essentially, men have a hard time expressing how they feel. From an early age, men are taught to "suck it up." Emotional men are looked down upon by everyone. Since men cannot verbalize their needs, they rarely get met. Women do a very good job of verbalizing their needs, so their needs tend to take center stage.

What is the answer? I don't know. After twelve years of marriage, we have far from a perfect marriage. Actually, there are times I feel we are sliding backwards. I do know I love Wife, and I know she loves me. For now that has to be enough.

Loss of Innocence

Around 5:30 am Son #1 lost his innocence. As I was trying to exchange a dollar for a baby tooth, he awoke and caught me. This is going to be an interesting year for him and us. He enters sixth grade this year, and we all know the changes that occur this year. For now we will have to deal with not believing in the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, etc. He will become a little more cynical and little more jaded. The little boy will slowly disappear. I was hoping for a little more time.

BTW, if he ruins it for his younger siblings, he will be in a world of hurt! LOL!

I'm Still Here

It's been a whole week! It must mean things are going well with Wife and me. Well, they are. Got the kids registered and back into school, so things are really becoming hectic.

I'd like other's feedback on the issue of parenting styles. For instance, yesterday was the first day of school. As I was dropping off the children at their respective schools, I noticed the parents parking, getting out of their cars and walking their children into school. This was not just at the primary school, but also at the intermediate and middle schools. Heck, even today parents were still going in with their children. Personally, I understand going, if the child is in kindergarten and maybe first grade. However, by the time of third grade and beyond isn't it time to cut the chord? My parenting style may need a little bit of work: I, essentially, pushed my first grader out the car door, in order to get the other two to their schools (at each child's drop off I waited just long enough for them to get out and then I moved along).
Is it me or are parents coddling their children? Aren't kids allowed to fall down and scrape their knee? Aren't children allowed to fail? Today's parents are trying to be Uber-parents, and they produced stressed out kids.

So Much to Do So Little Time

Light blogging for now...too busy with work and all.

Wife got her results on her biopsy yesterday. Everything is fine. Unfortunately, brother-in-law (also OB/GYN) wants to see her records to double check, so the pot keeps being stirred. Labs always have "false positives" on screenings, so no one will fall through the cracks. Developing...

Thank Goodness THAT Week Is Over

Last week was a long week for Wife and me. The kids were at my parents' house. Instead of taking advantage of a week with no kids, we decided to have a series of arguments. Everything, basically, centered around me not being sensitive to what she has to say, and her not being sensitive to what I have to say. In the end everything has worked out very well. We have made up (on a number of occasions :)). Hopefully, we have moved past the resentment we have built up with each other. We'll have to see. It is amazing how hard it is to keep little things from becoming a huge issue. Communication is a huge key, everyone knows it, but it is hard to stand back and not become defensive. It was being defensive that was causing a lot of problems for us. It is a shame that we wasted a whole week.

At the risk of sounding like a pig, it did not help that Wife was on her period. I still believe that one week out of the month I need to hide somewhere.

Also, her biopsy went well. We'll have to wait on the results.

Whatever

Well, I let the day slip up on me. I was not vigilant enough to stay out of trouble. I set off another "discussion", yesterday. It started with an innocent comment about a singer on the radio. I mentioned to Wife a few weeks back that it might be interesting to see this particular singer in concert. He was coming to a city near us. She didn't really seem that interested; she did not know who he was. Well, I pointed him out to her on the radio a couple of times. Yesterday, he came on, and I pointed him out. She said, "I've never been to a concert." My response was, "Oh, really." Little did I know that this was my cue to ask her to go with me, and I, apparently, know so little about her that I didn't know this fact about her. I did know this fact, and I had not forgotten. She's not buying it. This "discussion" culminated in her telling me that I do not care about her, I rarely talk to her about anything substantive, I have not been worried enough about her upcoming biopsy (because I have not mentioned it to her), and she said that the end of love is when people stop trying.

Of that list, I will say that I have not been stressing out about her biopsy (she's going to have a cone biopsy tomorrow). She has a stage III reading on her pap smear. Stage IV is pre-cancer then next is cancer. I knew she was worried, but I wasn't because I felt she has a good doctor, it was caught in time, and it was not Stage IV or worse. With everything else going on, I relegated that towards a lower level on my list of worries. I know this was wrong. I should have been more attentive to her fears. I apologized, but like all of my apologies, she didn't seem to buy it. I am truly sorry for my mistake.

The other biggee on the list, not talking to her about anything substantive, I told her that I have tried only to be met with resistance. The example I used was an incident that occurred a few mornings back. I had purchased a new electric toothbrush. I was using it like a regular toothbrush: moving it all around instead of letting it do the work. She jumped out of bed and began yelling at me to use it properly. Anyway, when I brought up her yelling at me, she became defensive and said she was not yelling but talking in a sleepy voice. After me repeatedly telling her that I happen to know the difference between yelling and speaking in another tone, she finally gave a half-assed apology. Way to build highways of communication.

This morning, prior to leaving for work, she was still in bed. I kissed her on the cheek and apologized again for everything. The response was, "Whatever."

Why I Like People Less and Less as I Age

Survived the weekend. The kids had a swim meet this weekend, so it means total chaos and confusion. This meet is the largest in the area. There about 10 teams represented with about a 100 swimmers per team. It marks the end of the summer swim season. The kids did very well. Daughter's relay team made it to finals, so we had to go back on Sunday. Son #1 had to be at a week-long camp yesterday, also. Anyway, we arrive at the meet at ~7:15am (after getting up at 5:30am to get everyone ready). They have warm-ups, and then we sit. Now, the meet is so big that the only space is outside, under a tent. For seven hours we sit and wait for her event. Meanwhile, one of her teammates has not shown up. The mother is a real nutcase. Needless to say, she never showed, we were scratched for the event, and our Sunday morning/afternoon was a total bust. We barely got Son#1 to camp on time.

Before leaving the swimmeet, another parent comes up to me and offers her condolences. I'm in a terrible mood, so I growl my list of grievances. Wife is sitting there telling the parent that it is no big deal. This makes me madder. Now, on the ride to camp, I get an earfull about my rude behavior. I am informed that I was yelling at everyone in sight and especially at Wife. Although I know I did not yell, I apologize to Wife and I will (rightfully) apologize to the parent that spoke to me. However, I feel totally justified in being angry and, to some extent, voicing my anger. Not only was our day wasted, but also (and most importantly) our daughter did not get to swim in the finals and, possibly, get a medal.

The mother that never showed needs to apologize to the other 3 girls that where there and ready to swim. Of course, she won't. She is one of those people that the world owes her everything. I seem to be running into more and more of these people. Just because you draw a breath does not mean you are owed anything. A little COMMON COURTESY would have totally fixed the problem. If something comes up, call us. We tried to call you but could reach you. WTF?!?!? People!

Nothin' Much

I haven't written in a few days, because not much to talk about. Wife spoke with her OB/GYN. He is still recommending cryopexy; hopefully, that will take care of it. She is still wondering why it is happening to her. We'll probably never know.

On the home front things are going well. Although we have had some intense discussions due to business stuff, we've not had a big time fight. She has been fairly nice to me. We still have problems with communication. In that, she says something, and I think she is talking about something completely different. This, of course, irritates her. This communication thing is very hard for me. I still think it is the wrong time of the month for a big fight. If my calculations are correct, I have about 10 more days. After that, I'd better watch my P's and Q's.

I've added another blog to my roll: Dysfunction Junction. It is the tale of a woman with many challenges.

In-Laws

My in-laws are stirring the pot, big time. With the pap smear results that Wife received, her OB/GYN has recommended cryopexy to remove the questionable tissue. She, I think, has a Class 3 (mild pre-cancerous). She thinks she is one step from cancer. Naturally, when someone says the "C" word, it puts a tremendous burden on the affected person. She is nearly distraught, because she cannot figure out why this is happening to her.

Wife called her sister and talked to her husband (also an OB/GYN). This wonderful man simply said hysterectomy. A hysterectomy at 33 will lead to many physical problems later (not to mention a lowered libido). Also, this is a much bigger procedure than an office cryopexy. Wife is now leaving concerned and arriving at freak-out. The cherry on the sundae was SIS (sister-in-law) saying, "Well, it is to be expected with your past."

Wife has had two sexual partner before meeting me. The first one used a condom and the second was supposedly a virgin. That leaves me. I may be the carrier of the HPV? I tell her that she notes that there is nothing abnormal about "down there." Although Wife may have had a lot of sex prior to me, she had only two partners.

My SIS's comment is infuriating. Wife's whole family is very good at lobbing "verbal handgrenades." Little comments that make a big impression. I resent what she said, because I feel it was made out spite. This adds more stress to an easily stressed out person, who worries for a hobby.

Anyway, Wife is going to call her OB/GYN for a phone consult and ask more questions. We'll see how it goes.

I May Be Changing My Name

Your Porn Star Name is: Jerry Jackme

Get your own Porn Star Name

Denouement

Things have been terrific since my last post. It's almost scary. I don't know, when the shoe will fall, but I am enjoying it for now.

Square1 has a very nice post on how things seem to be going. She describes very well what happens during a fight. With Wife, it isn't about the issue at hand; instead, it becomes about the issue at hand and everything that has happened in the last year. Sqaure1 links to this article from family.org.

This neatly sums up my frustration. I seem to never be forgiven. Although Wife is normally very nice and extremely accommodating, during a fight it is no holds barred. She comes at me with fangs and claws. The statement she said in my earlier post, hopefully, was made out of anger. I hope she doesn't believe I am a complete failure.

The whole reason of starting this blog was to vent my frustrations. It has helped me tremendously. I have read other people's blogs and realized that we all have problems. Marriage is damned hard.

Those Damn Hormones!

I'll never fully grasp how hormones affect people (men taking estrogen for prostate problems go through the same thing). Wife's period is over. She has been very nice to me. It is almost disconcerting. How do I react? She even made a pass at me this morning. I, being the weak schmuck that I am, accepted. So, we ended up doing a quickie before I left for work. Today at lunch she was very attentive and pleasing.

Question: can hormones do that much to a person? Can a person go from being bitchy to sweet at, basically, the flip of a switch? Are hormones this powerful? If so, how do I combat the effects? Do I steer clear until the hurricane flags are taken down? Do I confront the raging storm? Is there any hope? Maybe, I need to mark my calender and try to be as quiet as a church mouse.

As you can see, everything is peachy. No, nothing has been resolved, but I never thought it would be. I guess the best I can hope for is status quo

Interesting Article

Digger Jones has an interesting article on another one of blogs dealing with 10 signs one is involved with someone with a low libido. Reading that post made nod my head and say, "Yes!" Nearly every single item could be attributed to Wife.

The problem with low libido people is they do not see their lack of interest in sex as abnormal. The person with a healthy libido is seen as demanding, weird, kinky, etc. They can never take a step back and see that they are a major part of the problem.

Bad News

Things are civil here. Wife may have a sense that not everything is peachy. She has been especially nice to me. Going out of her way to say thank you for little things. I'm still trying to come to grips with being told that I do nothing right, in her eyes. Although I wish it were said in the heat of passion, I know that is how she feels. There is no middle ground. Grading is not done on a curve. One bad incident will wipe out 10 good ones. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I'm not at a good place in my marriage. Basically, it is something that I will have to live with. The knowledege of being a failure in my wife's eyes is very depressing.

The Bad News is Wife's pap results. She will have to go in for a freezing procedure in a couple of weeks. She'd had a Leap (?) done a couple of years ago. The OB/GYN has been keeping a close watch on her. Although we may have some serious problems, life would not be easy or good without Wife. Hopefully, this will not lead to cervical cancer in the future.

Another One

Another fight last night, Yah for me! Basically, what was stated was that I do nothing right, and she has lost faith in my abilities. Now, I admit to having moments. The thing is these moments have become cumulative in effect til now they have taken on a life all of their own. Although I try to please Wife (as any spouse should do), I always seem to fall short of her expectations. So, is it me or her expectations? I think it is a combination of the two. I admit to not giving 100% 100% of the time. I won't make excuses as to why, but there it is. Does anyone give 100% all of the time? I doubt it. But that is not good enough.

I can handle a little criticism, but when all one hears is criticism, it becomes too much. What separates nit-picking from actual constructive comments? For me, it has to do with context. Telling me to read the directions on a project, that is constructive criticism. Telling me I'm driving wrong in the Wal-Mart parking lot or blaming me for a restaurant's bad food is nit-picking. Unfortunately, Wife seems to not want to see the difference. They are lumped into the same category. Very frustrating.

The future does not bode well, if this trend continues.

Women's Peak...Fact or Fantasy?

Conventional wisdom says that males hit their sexual peak around 18 years old, and women hit theirs around 35 years old. I always joked that that was one of God's jokes. I remember being in my late teens early twenties and being ready to go at the mere suggestion.

In this post by ZGD63, he contemplates this and compares his libido to his wife's. When I read it, I thought, "Preach on, brotha!" After having several frank discussions with Wife, I have come to the painful conclusion that we are very different, sexually speaking. I'm not just talking about frequency, but also techniques. She has no wild fantasies, no kinky desires, etc. that much she has told me. Now, I find this hard to believe. To me, it is very natural to have these thoughts and desires. So, does that make me perverted or her inhibited? I think it is a combination of the two.

Women, generally, are more complex, especially emotionally. If Wife is having a bad day, she is totally not into me or sex. The cleaning of the house, taking care of the kids, etc. doesn't work. What works is spend all of my time listening and talking to her. In comparison, unless I am bone tired, all she has to do is look at me. Never mind parading around the bedroom in a G-string. Therefore, I have to believe my libido is much higher than hers, based on the amount of work that has to be done to get into the mood.

The interesting thing is that after 12 years of marriage, she is still rather prudish in comparison to me. I truly think it has a lot to do with our formative years. She was sheltered during her upbringing. She rarely had dates in high school and had only two serious boyfriends before me. To this day, she is very naive. During my upbringing, I was exposed to pornography, had three times as many girlfriends, and had a more varied sex life. I tend to think this has a lot to do with it. As for pornography, I get the impression that she would watch it but would never admit to it.

So to the question at hand, in my experience it is total fallacy to believe that a man's libido decreases with age and woman's increases. Of course this is a generality, but, based on the blogs I read, there are more men desperately wanting not only a wife but also a sexual partner as well (lady in public and whore in the bedroom). Maybe, it boils down to people are never satisfied with what they have?

Everyday Annoyances and Intimate Relations

It is ironic that, generally, men tend to put up with a lot more B.S., if they are having regular sex. The small annoyances (which we all have) are much easier to deal with. The ironic thing is women, generally, have to be put into the mood. This means the small annoyances that normally occur, may make them less want to have sex. So we have a situation where one person in the relationship needs that release, that intimacy, to relax and "go with the flow," yet the other needs to relax to become intimate.

For me personally, it stems from a lack of being able to be intimate, in a nonphysical sense. I have a very hard time expressing my inner most feelings and thoughts until after being physically intimate. The shields are down. Generally, men tend to have a hard time expressing themselves, especially when it comes to these feelings and emotions. Wife has stated that I am much easier to live with after having sex. I do not doubt it. I am much more relaxed. Of course, I try to tell to just have sex with me more :).

The Aftermath

First of all, thank you to all who bothered to give their opinions. I appreciate the sentiment. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going insane or fell into an alternate universe or whatever.

Wife did apologize, sort of. She textmessaged me to ask for a truce and to admit to being stubborn. Hell, I could have told her that without the fireworks. She and I are both stubborn. Anyway, she did not verbally acquiesce, but I'll take what I can get.

Otherwise, everything is same old stuff. Came home last night about 10:30 pm after kids' swim meet. Talked for awhile. Went to bed. She ate Cheerios (did not get supper) in bed. I tried to play with her breasts. She said she was eating. I asked which she would rather do. She replied that she was hungry, so I waited for her to finish. After resuming attention to her breasts and back of her knees, she fell asleep. No action for me.

Some may say that having sex three times is good, but I say I prefer more per month.

Can I Get a Ruling?

Things were going along too well. Last night we (I say we; she says me) decided to screw it up.

Wife had her Bunco night last night, which meant she would not get home until after midnight. No big deal. She asked me to call XYZ student loan company to get some information regarding problems we have been having with them and some other information. I do that, and some other things she asked me to do. Although she had been home nearly all day, I brought food home for me and the kids. I put all of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I went to bed about 11:30.

Wife came in about 12:45 am. She sounded happy and crawled into bed. She starts making a move on me. Now, I'm half asleep but I'm into it. A little groggy maybe but into it. Just as things were getting interesting, she asks me about the conversation with XYZ company. So much for being in the mood. I figure this is going to be a long conversation and get pretty irritated. I'm not mad per se, but I'm not happy either. We get into a discussion. No sex. The last thing she says, "I would have still done it, if you hadn't acted that way." She proceeds to go to sleep. This pisses me off. If she hadn't brought up the damn subject, I would not have gotten mad. I feel this is a spiteful comment. It was made to get the last word. I get to sleep around 1:30, even though I have to get up less than 5 hours later.

At lunch, I try to talk to her about it. I tell her that comment was out of line and a mean thing to say. She says, "Well, I wouldn't have said it, if you hadn't been rude last night." I explain that it was totally normal response. She tells me she just wanted to know, if I talked to the company, not have a long drawn out conversation. Normally, she is a detail person and needs all of the details. How the heck am I supposed to know this? She says I cut her off before she had a chance to explain. I explain that I was irritated by the bringing up of a complex subject in the middle of possible coitus. I explain I think that was a totally normal response. Anyway, we have a major blow out during lunch. She wants me to understand that I was a jerk for cutting her off and being understanding. I want her to understand her last comment was mean and spiteful. I do understand her point, but does she understand why I was acting like that and why I am irritated? Maybe. She did apologize, and then says she just had to get it out there in case she forgot. She keeps saying that she just wanted to touch base on the issue, and I blew it out of proportion. I say look at the situation and tell me am I not justified in my irritation? She does not see that her comment was spiteful and will not apologize.

I know I can be an asshole. She doesn't seem to know she can be a bitch.

Question: Should I have let that comment go?
Question: Am I justified or not in my irritation?
Question: Was her comment said in spite?

Happy Independence Day!

I meant to get this up yesterday, but with the family back, I am relegated to blogging from work. To celebrate I wanted to put up a portion of one of our countries most important documents.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these States. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

Let's try to remember what July 4th is really all about.

Money, Money, Money

Square1 wrote:

Sounds like fun! The shopping sounds worrisome... ever discussed a spending limit on the shopping trips? I don't have any credit cards and I purposefully take less cash than I am willing to part with. Window shopping is ust as relaxing as shopping and spending money. At least for me.

My reply was going to be too long for a comment, so I decided to write a post. I think money is a major problem in most marriages. In my marriage it has been one of the biggest. Wife and I come from very different economic backgrounds. I was raised in a household with no extra money. My mother had no winter coat. Although I had everything I needed, I did not have the new stereo, cool car, nice clothes, etc. My father has the amazing ability to fix anything. My stereo literally came from a junkyard and was repaired. When I entered sixth grade, I (like a lot of folks) wanted the nicer shoes, clothes, etc. My parents would not pay for a $50 pair of Nikes, when I could go to Wal-Mart and get a pair for $10. This instilled into me a sense of not wanting to buy anything. I still wanted stuff, but I didn't want to have to fork over the money to buy it. As I entered high school, things got better. Mom was able to go to work, since Bro and I were older. However, nice clothes were still a luxury. We would get them on birthdays and Christmas. I started working in sixth grade as much as I could and kept right thoughout school. I'm not complaining. It taught me a lot and helped develop me into a hardworker. In high school, I worked every Friday and Saturday night, played football, was into drama, and graduated with honors.

Wife had a different story. Although she worked in the family business from middle school on, her family had more money than mine. She never really wanted for anything. Her first car was new. The money she received came from Mom and Dad, so she never worked for anyone other than family. Like I said, she is a hard worker. She graduated valedictorian of her high school class. No schlep.

We have very different views on money. With me owning a business, she asks me for money for household bills. She says she knows how hard I have to work to keep us afloat. Yet, we have a woman to clean our house every other week, a guy to cut our yard every 10 days, she rarely cooks, the kids are signed up for every activity, we never have any food in the house (only snacks), etc. You get the picture. There is a little conflict on this subject. I have tried to put forth a budget. I asked her to stop using the credit cards. I wanted to use a kind of Dave Ramsey approach to spending. My plan was to put money that was not for household bills, loans, etc. into envelopes. By making us use cash, we would have a better understanding on where the money is going. It was like pulling teeth and never happened. She justifies her spending on the fact that the money is not used for her. The money is used for the betterment of the family, the kids, to help someone in need, etc. I cannot seem to make any headway. Plus, add her considerable student loans (six figures) and her unilateral decision to stay home has put a considerable strain on me.

Before anyone says to just talk to her, I have...ad nauseum. She refuses to see this as anything other than a personal attack. She gets angry; I find myself just agreeing to help end the conflict; and nothing changes. Been there done that, got the T-shirt. Like a lot of things, she does not want to see my side of the arguement. In the movie Spanglish, Adam Sandler is surprised when the housekeeper just agrees with him without a major fight. He is totally taken aback. He is so used to having to fight with his wife, it freaks him out. That is how I feel. Yes, I have told her about it to no avail. What will probably have to happen is personal bankruptcy.

Quite the rant.

Still Flyin' High

Well, I'm still "bachin' it." As a treat for myself, I went flying. I have my pilot's license with an instrument rating. With three kids running in three different directions, I don't get to use it a lot. Yesterday I did. Although the whole Atlanta area has cloudy with scattered showers, I got into Pine Mountain, Georgia. I had lunch at the Callaway Gardens (which is a very neat place, maybe I can get Wife to go next time...), and I flew back in 95%% clouds for 2 1/2 hours. It was extremely relaxing. When I got home, I felt really good. Euphoric.

Wife is sounding happy on the phone. She has been able to go shopping everyday, which has me more than a little worried. This week has allowed me to be very introspective and peer into he dark recesses of my personality. Hopefully, I can exorcise some demons before she returns Sunday.

Bachin' It

Wife and kids are away at the in-laws, and I'm all alone at home. The anticipation leading up to this was more than how it really is. I have changed. I was always independent and was perfectly happy by myself. With the family gone, I find myself missing them. The house is too quiet. The only communication is by telephone. I hate talking on the phone. The key is trying to keep myself busy. The main thing is how surprised I am in the change in myself.

I took off a post I had about hang-ups. I'm trying not to think about having sex with Wife out of town.

I'm Baaaack

I made it back in one piece. All in all it was not a bad trip. Not too many blow ups despite the stress involved with traveling. It was very educational.

I learned that the Wife is always on guard as to what to say and how to act. This is totally foreign to me. I come from a long line of loud-mouthed aholes. Although the folks in my family are extremely well-liked, we are constantly saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, my wife has felt the need to be completely perfect in everything she says and does from the day she was born. She has learned that she must always be on guard lest she offend someone or say something that makes her/someone else look bad. Totally alien to me. After 12 years of marriage it has finally sunk in. Talk about dense.

The incident that taught me this lesson was the arguement we had the day before I left. Wife, sister-in-law and I were sitting around chatting. The subject of my parents came up. My mother always seems to be able to push Wife's buttons like no one else. It comes up that my parents are always too hot when they visit. Sister-in-law (SIS) states that Wife should be more accommodating and turn the air up to cool them off. Wife laughs and says we put fans in the room to help, but she gets too cold if the air is turned down any lower. SIS says that Wife has always been the least accommodating of anyone in the family. Now, I think this conversation is still in the jesting mode. Wrong. I say that she seems to be very accommodating to others but tends to be less accommodating to family. Not quite the refutation Wife was looking for. I have stepped in it again. I tell SIS that Wife is accommodating, but seems less so to me. This is nothing new to Wife; I have told her this many times.

Apparently, this was a terrible thing for me to say. She tells me that she is disappointed in me because I sided with SIS. I tell her that I did not side with SIS, but told her what I felt to be true. I restated that I felt Wife is very accommodating just less so to me. If she has to pick between myself and someone else's inconvenience, she chooses mine. She stays pissed at me. As she sees it, I have confirmed to SIS that she is not accommodating. Period. I am totally bumfuzzled as to how that comment warranted such a tongue lashing. Wife states that she has been looked down upon by her siblings. They do not respect her, they demean her, and she always felt like she was second class.

She has said this before, but I did not understand the length and breadth of her conviction. What I have noticed is that each sibling feels the other is screwing up. It FINALLY dawns on me how much pressure she has put on herself, when she visits her family. It is totally the opposite with my family. We are very laid back and always tell folks what we are thinking. We'll never attain high office.

Naturally, this argument occurs the day before I am supposed to leave, so now sex for me for seven days. Rosy and Harriet, the Palm, sisters are my new, best friends.

The Crux of the Matter

Well, Saturday was the day we tried to get past what happened the other day (see post below). Although we had talked about what happened some Friday morning, I thought it was over. I made a snarky comment, she called me on it, I apologized, and that was that. Right...uh, not exactly. Saturday was the day we had to hash things out. It seemed Friday was too quick and too easy. After I came home from working all morning Saturday, we got into it. We had verbal fencing with me continuing to apologize for a comment that I thought, while adolescent, was made in a moment of frustration and weakness and her wanting to make sure I understood that.

Apparently, Wife had been carrying some deep resentment towards me for something that happened a while ago (several months). See, she generally does not like oral sex to be performed on her. Although it feels good to her, Wife is very selfconscious about hygiene, etc. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, she continues this opinion. Unfortunately, I LOVE to perform oral sex on her. She, definitely, does not have any problems down there. Anyway, one night I was a bit too aggressive in that department. She became pissed off and stopped the love making session right there. I apologized and changed my behavior by not forcing the issue since. She admits that I have been on my best behavior since. However, she still feels the need to keep her guard up. She feels that she cannot trust me.

So after many hours of discussion of what I thought was a rude comment made by me, her anger was probably not due to my comment but actions done many months ago. I still do not understand her hang-up on receiving oral sex (she allows it sometimes), but I will accommodate her wishes. So far everything seems to be back on track. The real test comes tomorrow and the following days because we are going to visit her family. This usually proves to be a stressful situation.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Last night was my one chance to make love to my wife for the next three weeks, and it did not happen.

So we finally get to bed at midnight after a full day of "fun." We got home from Son#1's baseball game (which he lost...thank goodness we're done) at 11:00. However, we had to clean the house because the house cleaner was coming (the subject of a future post), so we did not get to bed until midnight. We're laying there and Wife asks,"Do you want to have sex?" Just like that. That is the way she always phrases it. No warm-up or anything. Me being male and undersexed say, "Sure." Now, I know she has set herself up for failure. There is no way on God's Green Earth she is going to be able to stay awake that long. Anyway, she fondles me for about a minute and then has a sleep jerk (involuntary muscle spasm right about the time one is out totally). This irritates me no end.

Yes, I should have been more active, but I'm tired too. We had spent a whole day at a large, famous waterpark in town. She billed it as a family day. She did not mention that we would be bringing three other kids. This brought the grand total of people to eight. She knows I hate hassling with crowds, but I want to make her happy, so I try to put on a happy face and oblige. I did have a pretty good time. Aftwerwards, we went to our kids' swimmeet. I packed food for a picnic supper. We brought the other three kids with us. Now, I thought they would be going home soon, so I brought enough for the just the five of us. Although the extra kids did go home soon, she fed them anyway. Naturally, we ran out of food. She and I did not have supper. Son #1 left the swimmeet early for a baseball game (luckily, at the same park). We got home late.

So we are lying there tired and she asks me if want sex. She falls asleep while playing with me. In my frustration (a lot sexual), I say, "I guess you don't find me attractive." She says, "Sorry" in a tone bespeaking anything but. We go to sleep.

The main reason for my frustration is not just the lack of sex, but also this is not the first, second or third time this has happened. Before I started working out, she did this on a regular basis. It became, sort of, a joke. Now, she goes to bed and is totally out by the time I am finished (~11:30 pm). I know this is late. I don't come to bed expecting anything. But, I have curtailed working out to every other night. Hasn't helped. So, our sex department needs help (to me anyway). When I bring this up, she brushes it off as no big deal. Which is what usually happens, when I bring anything up.

This morning, as I am about to leave for work, she starts with how mean I was to say that. She still feels attracted, etc to me. I realize my comment was stupid. I apologized. However, I said but that was how I felt. I was frustrated, but I know it was mean and petty. She blamed me for her falling asleep. WTF? She asked me for it, and she falls asleep.

Weekend is Over

Well, we made it through the weekend. Our anniversary turned out better than expected. Wife did not keep the afore mentioned child. We took Daughter and Son #2 out with us for Chinese and Blockbuster. It turned out to be a pretty good time. The only cloud was when I went to fetch her cell (she forgot it at the restaurant) and came back to Blockbuster and did not check in. She was pissed, and I heard about it all night. The other was during the movie Bringing Down the House.

If one hasn't seen this terrible POS, don't waste one's time. It is truly horrible. Steve Martin must really need the money. In one scene he is about to meet a woman he met online. Since Martin has never seen her, he wants to make a good impression. He changed his clothes, like, 6 times. I commented that no hetero guy does that. She asked, if I had not even done that for her. Of course, I said no. Little did I know that meant I did want to impress her, and therefore, did not love her. WTF?!?!?

Anyway, Saturday went better and by Sunday everything was peachy. Even got a little last night. Hopefully, this week goes well. Next week we fly to visit her family. I'll be gone for a week and she and the kids for two. If I can get through these next two weeks, it'll be a miracle.

Happy Anniversary

Today is supposed to be our 12th anniversary. Twelve Years! To celebrate we get to baby-sit one of her friend's little shites. This girl is seven and extremely annoying. I do not think she remembered our anniversary. All week I have been asking her what to she wants to do and getting the "I don't know" response. Last night she tells me I never asked her. Very frustrating. I know, if the tables were turned, I'd be up shit creek with a barbed wire paddle. Been there done that.

About 4 years ago, I was taking flying lessons. I scheduled a lesson on our anniversary. It was Saturday, and I was done by 4 pm. We still had time to go out. But, I admit it was not one of my smartest moves. Fortunately, we joke about it (or at least I do). I had to work pretty hard to dig myself out of that hole at the time.

Flashforward to today, she basically was worse. I'm more frustrated not by the lame anniversary but by the fact she puts herself (and sometimes myself) out to help others. She will create a terrible inconvenience for herself and thereby myself to make sure to be helpful to others. As much as this can be an admirable trait, it creates stress because we spend too much time helping others and not getting our stuff sorted out. Another example: she allows son#1 to invite two other 11 year old boys to spend the night...without any food in the house. I had to run to the store at 10:00 last night because she was too tired and does not like to go out at night by herself.

I have commented to her about this sometimes good trait. I have let her know that it really creates a lot more stress for us than relieves for the other person. She does not see it.

Idiot!

Well, just to let everyone know, the Wife is not the only one at fault. This morning I managed to start a little row. It was all my fault; I apologized profusely; and everything seems to be ok now. Basically, I assumed too much (I know: makes an ass out of u and me). I thought I was being critized, when in fact it was Son #1. It could have been ugly, but we talked through it. Of course, I was late to work making me behind all morning. Anyway, the basic problem (as I see it) remains: too much stress. We're still running in a million different directions with kids' activities, work, etc. We need a time out.

Calm Before the Storm?

Well, things are much calmer since last time. I have been trying to be more attentive and putting her first. Things are easier. I do not believe it is anything I am doing. I beginning to wonder, if the birth control pills have anything to do with it. I am going to keep a log of our blow ups with the hypothesis being that they are worse and more frequent the week prior to her period. If that is the case, I am going to push for her to get off of the pill and me have a vasectomy.

I have offered on numerous occations to have one. I know it is far less invasive for men than women, the recovery time is less for men than women, and it has less likelihood of failure. Unfortunately, once a Catholic, always a Catholic. She is against any form of permant sterilization. It was rough to get her on the pill. With the surprise birth of our third child, she relented.

Hopefully, tracking the mood swings (that is what I call them) in relation to her period will guide us.

The Aftermath

Well, it seems we have made up? Everything is right as rain, now. The more I think about everything that has happened, the more I come to the conclusion that I'm dealing with a sort of Cybil. Three weeks out of the month she is awesome. She is caring, devoted, understanding, patient, etc. That fourth week is hell week. I mentioned this to her. Of course, that was an absurd statement. I mean, if I had only done what see was thinking (my psychic powers were on the fritz), none of this would have happened. I have communicated how I feel ad nauseum. It comes back to me being the problem and she being the victim.

The first time we had sex after the fight I really wanted to hurt her, to make her sorry (I didn't just wanted to). This is nothing like me. We are back to the three weeks. She is back to being patient, etc. I'm also back to barely getting any. In May we probably had sex twice. Usually she is too tired. Now, before anyone says I should communicate, I have expressly told her how I feel. To no avail. Yet, I must be the one to change to make her happy. It is all very depressing. So now I am posting on a blog. Talking to my wife seems to be getting me nowhere. She does not take my feelings seriously, because she sees me as the one causing the problem. Damnit, I am only half of the equation here!

What the Hell?!?

After last weekend, this is what I look like. It ain't pretty is it? Hopefully, the long weekend will put things in order. Hopefully.

She's Insane

So it was last Saturday and we were rushing around as usual. I had worked that morning and went home for a quick lunch and then to haul off some household trash. She went with the kids to Son #1's activity. There was much stress to be had by all. I called her to check in and see what was up. She informed me that Son #1 was being a jerk: complaining about being tired, no food, etc. She asked me what time his ball game was that afternoon. I looked at my PDA and told her. She asked me, "Are you sure, because that seems earlier than usual." I looked at my PDA again and said yes. I remember saying that is what it says on my PDA; she remembers hearing me say that's what it says. Now, unbeknownst to me, she had programmed all of the start time 30 min to 1 hour earlier than they actually started. I told her the time that was on my PDA then went about collecting stuff to be hauled off.

A few hours later she came home totally pissed off because of the afore mentioned Son. He had managed to push all of her buttons all day. As a matter of fact, I felt relief in knowing she wasn't mad at me and tried to keep a low profile. Anyway, she was still unsure about the start time and pulled that printout the coach gave us. Low and behold it was going to be another hour and half before game time. I said sorry but that what was on my PDA. Well, that signaled the start of it all. You see I should have known to double check my source. Obviously, I do not care about her, love her, or want to be helpful in anyway. When she asked me "are you sure?", I should have known to find that piece of paper (placed only she knew where) and double check the source. How thoughtless, how inconsiderate of me. It is obvious I do not care.

I do not get it. If she would have told me from the beginning that the times in the PDA were not the actual times, I would have a) told her what the source was (which I thought I did anyway) or b) double checked to see what time it started from the original source. This has precipitated a running fight for five days. The fight was exacerbated by the fact that I did not know what goes on her hamburgers (another long story). What the hell! How can one take that and extrapolate me not loving her or caring about her? I need a referee to give an impartial decision.

I have started to notice these outbreaks are much more frequent approximately one week prior to her period. Hormones must be powerful stuff.

Then, last night she falls asleep at about 10:00. I go do my usual Monday night workout routine, get finished about 11:15, take a shower, and am in bed by 11:40 or so. Today she asks me why I didn't try something. Well, let's see: your insane? I'm tired? If you want it bad enough, stay awake? Take your pick.

Open Letter to Single Men

For those men, who are single, let me say this: Stay that way. Although I believe in the sanctity of marriage, the reality can be a bitch. Today's marriage is tough. What is in it for a man to be married? Let's try to sort this out.

Free sex. That is the biggest lie out there. For one thing there is nothing free about it. Everything that a man owns is now 50% his spouse's. Ms. Ireland of the NOW may have been on to something to say that marriage is legalized prostitution. Also, the amount and the quality of the sex decreases. In all fairness this not directly related to the wife. When children enter the picture, there is more stress and less time. Suddenly, the carefree sex life is gone. No more fooling around in the middle of the day. Both spouses tend to work outside of the home. This creates even more stress. Ask anyone what stress does to your libido. It usually snuffs it out.

Companionship. Bullshit. Stewart Copeland of the Police said it best that "every girl I go out with becomes my mother in the end." This only becomes worse when married. That wonderful woman becomes a harpy. The nagging never stops. The making a federal case out of every situation escalates. This creates tension and stress in the marriage. See above as to what happens next.

Children. Although I love my kids and cannot imagine life without them, this is really the only reason to be married and stay married. I still cling to the notion that two parents are better than one or a village. Children are a joy and a blessing. If one is going to have children, then raise them and make their upbringing central to your life. Once a couple has children, the issue of divorce becomes very sticky. Of my friends, the ones from divorced families tend to have the most issues. I do not believe in divorce, when children are an issue.

In closing, hear me, when I talk about marriage. In theory it is a wonderful thing. However, in practice it can be a living hell. If you choose not to heed my advice, then woe be it unto you. From a man's point of view, marriage's stereotypes are totally true. Look around at the men who have been married for any length of time. They typically live in their wife's shadow. They will have that 1000-yard stare. These men are nothing but a hollow shell of their former selves.

Hollywood Catches Case of Oscar Blahs

In this The New York Times article, the author, Sharon Waxman, goes to great lengths to try to answer why no one cares about the Oscars. Well, let me take a crack at it. Maybe because a lot of the movies people enjoy are not nominated. I saw the Aviator; I was less than impressed. It was an ok movie, but I did not think it was Oscar material. Also, perhaps Hollywood lost some of creativity this year. We did not really get the huge block buster movie. There was no must see movie. Million Dollar Baby may be a good movie, but Clint Eastwood's last movie (Mystic River) was less than inspiring. With the exception of Unforgiven, I cannot remember an Eastwood directed movie I liked. I guess I am being a stick in the mud, but if a movie critic likes a movie, I try to avoid it like the plague. Hollywood was on a binge of remakes of late, and that hardly makes for Oscar material. It is my humble opinion that folks watch the Oscars to see the outfits rather who won what. Maybe it is not just Hollywood that has the blahs.

Battle Erupted

Well, Monday night was fun. My stay-at-home wife and I were cleaning the house in preparation for the housecleaner. This a whole other topic for a post. Anyway, as I am loading the dishwasher, she notices that I am not rinsing the dishes. Now, I usually rinse the dishes prior to putting them in the dishwasher, but the last time I was doing this she told me not to worry about, since we were going to run the dishwasher that day. In my state of being unaware, she freaks out and asks me why am I not rinsing the dishes. I explained that I was going to run the dishwasher and did not think they needed to be rinsed. She went off. We had an hour long argument about the freakin' dishes. Picture it: I have worked about 10 hours, have been up since 5:30am, it is now approximately 10:00pm, I am tired, I am trying to help my stay-at-home wife clean the damn house because I love her and all I am getting is static. Who needs this shit? Not me. I had a total break down like I had never had before. I told her I could not do it anymore; I would not do it anymore. As I am saying this, she still continues to argue with me. It is like I am not saying anything. I mean I have not been this emotional in the nearly twelve years of marriage.

Finally, at the end she did apologize and promised to be more patient. That is all I have ever asked for. I know I am far from perfect, but she still refuses to accept me for who I am. She asked if I want a divorce. Although the thought has crossed my mind, I do not believe I would be any happier from it, so I said no. Things are better, but the question must be asked: why did I have to have an emotional melt down to get that response? My only answer is she is stubborn and refuses to see my side of the issue.

The saga continues.

Right On!

I invite everyone to read this article at Hog on Ice. It shows a good grasp of one of the major differences between men and women. Women are big on nuance, body language, tonality of voice, etc. in communication. Therefore, when the wife and I have a conversation, I have to be careful, because she has not figured that men, generally, mean what they say. Men can and do BS. No doubt. I can be a terrific BSer. In my communication, the words are what should be focused on...not the hidden meaning. There is no hidden meaning. When men talk with each other, we do not later ask ourselves what he meant by that, or what was the hidden meaning.

Also, do not ask a man what he is thinking. It will either be totally inane and useless, or you may not like hearing it. I remember the wife and I were watching some special on sex in marriage. She asked me what I wanted. I told her to give and receive more oral sex. Although I knew she has a hang-up about cunninglingus, I never expected the outburst I received. One would have thought I had asked for a threesome with a midget. I learned a valuable lesson: she really does not want to know. Asking what you are thinking about is a way to fill the void for lack of conversation.

Look, I am more than happy to accept that men and women are different. Why is this a hard concept? It does not mean one is superior than the other. It simply means we are two halves of the whole. Women need to quit judging men with the same values that women have.

The Weekend

Well, this was one of the better weekends in a long time. The wife and I had a party to attend Saturday night, which was alot of fun. I got drunk became a little incoherent. Note: do not mix whiskey and beer. Anyway, we went home and I had drunk sex. Drunk sex really sucks because one can only remember bits and pieces and one thinks one is better than real life. Yesterday, we laid in bed and watch movies. All in all a great weekend. No blow-ups. Just relaxation. I hope to have more of those.

What the Hell?

Well, another row with the wife yesterday. She was pissed because she says I do not listen to her. I am guilty of this sometimes occurring, but not on the frequency (always) she insists. I apologized and told her I meant no harm. What set her off? I helped her fold clothes the night before. I was folding them wrong, and she was tired of telling me. Since I did not comeback with anything, she assumed I was not listening. My bad. I knew I should have said something, but I was so damned tired I could not. I did hear and listen to her, because I started folding the freakin' clothes the way she wanted. I thought everything was ok. Boy, was I wrong. I walked in the door yesterday morning, and she let me have it. I apologized. She stayed pissed at me the rest of the morning with a wonderful climax right before lunch complete with her yelling at me, pointing her finger and storming off. All I said was I was surprised to be yelled at this morning. She then proceeded to show me what being yelled at is like.

I had told her that I apologized wholeheartedly. This was not good enough, because she felt that I was just saying that to try to get out trouble. Well, no shit! Of course, that is one of the reasons I apologized. However, that was not the reason I apologized. I disagreed and explained that I knew what I had done, and that is why I apologized. Unlike her, I can apologize. On the other hand, we have a half hour fight to get her to apologize. She says that was different. Huh? When I do something wrong, I try to apologize and make up. When she does something wrong, she attacks me and tells me I am being ridiculous.

Ain't marriage grand?

Valentine's Day

Well, the wife and I took the kids to dinner last night to celebrate Valentine's Day. I gave her a bouquet of red tulips, which had just begun to open. She seemed surprised, because I generally don't do that sort of thing.

Maybe it had to with the fight we had earlier that day, which was about a conversation we had after watching the Stepford Wives remake. I really did not like the movie much. I explained that I thought it was full of stereotypes: gay stereotypes, career women stereotypes and, finally, men stereotypes. The plot was basically that men did not want to live in the shadow of their wives. These men preferred a woman, who was kind of June Cleaver and Martha Stewart rolled into one. This, of course, led to an hour long debate as to whether or not anti-male bias exists. She did not believe that any such bias exists. I asked her to look at nearly every sitcom. The father/man is a total idiot, who could not find his ass without the aid of his wife. Look at the several commercials: the Verizon commercial, the Dodge Caravan commercial just to name two in the last 1-2 months. We never really came to any agreement. She basically thought I was reading too much into it. I said maybe, but I think it is a valid hypothesis and should be tested. So I offered to watch TV for the next week and see how much bias there is. This brought our conversation to close or so I thought.

As we were getting ready for bed, the Munsters were on TV. She, sarcastically, pointed out that this show had an anti-ugly bias. Now, I realize this was meant as a joke, but it seemed she had no credence in the point I was making. I told her I thought that was belittling and rather insulting. This led to nice little spat with me going to sleep angry.

So, now it is Valentine's Day and I'm pissed. All she had to do was apologize for her remark and everything is hunky dory. Instead, she tells me to get over it. The comment was a joke. After a lengthy "discussion" she finally admitted that what she said could be construed as an insult. She did apologize, but not before she made admit to reading into her comments. She feels that I was angry because I did not agree with her assessment of me being wrong about anti-male bias.

Since I don't like confrontation nor my wife to be mad at me, I bought her tulips for Valentine's Day. What a puss, huh!

First Post

A new blog is born! So what. The world needs another blog like it needs a kick in the head. As with most bloggers, this is to feed my vanity. Also, I hope to use it as a way to vent from everyday life, especially married life. Anyone is welcome to leave comments or snide remarks. If anyone even reads the blog.